"I hate him! I hate him! And I - I miss her."
Brainy's words echoed in Lena's mind as she sat in her apartment, scotch in hand. Lena shut her eyes tight, hoping to blink out the memory of Brainy's anguished face. She had meant what she said about the two of them needing to be more open with their emotions, but even though she had convinced him to let her help, she wasn't ready to fulfill her own end of the bargain.
If she were being honest, Lena would admit that she was using Lex's trial and subsequent acquittal as a distraction from letting herself feel Kara's loss. She told herself that her priority was to make sure that Lex wouldn't be a problem when the Superfriends got Kara back, but now she has no Kara, no L Corp, and no idea where to start. There was nothing left to do but feel the weight of everything that had happened, and Lena didn't think she'd survive that.
Lena drained her glass and reached for the decanter next to her, hoping to drown out the voice repeating in her head. "I miss her, I miss her, I miss her."
"Me too," Lena said again, this time to no one. Lena raised the glass to her lips, her eyes catching the watch Supergirl had given her last year as a sign of good faith. Lena took the watch off and held it in her hand, thinking about all the time she and Kara had lost because of Lex. Lena wondered how things might have been different if Kara had gotten to tell Lena her secret before Lex did. Would she have reacted differently? Would she have been quicker to forgive?
Lena wanted nothing more than to tell Kara what she had said to her brother. "I do hate you. I just love me more." For the first time in her life, Lena really did love herself. She had reconciled all her anger, her losses, her grief. She didn't need to redeem the Luthor name or prove her value anymore. She knew her worth, she knew she was good, and could finally let everything else go. Lena knew she owed a good bit of that growth to Kara, but Kara wasn't there to see it. Lena ran her thumb over the call button on her watch. Even when she hated Kara, she took comfort in knowing that Kara was always at the other end of that button.
She couldn't bring herself to press it now.
Lena stood from her seat, the scotch rushing to her head slightly more than she expected. She hadn't had much time for food in the last couple of days, and she had to admit that her pours, while always generous, were even heavier than usual. Lena walked out to her balcony and stared up at the sky, thinking of all the times her best friend had landed right next to her in this very spot.
"I miss you, Kara," she whispered, as if saying it any louder would make her situation real. "I have so much to tell you. I'm so sorry I couldn't stop Lex. I-" Lena choked on her words, tears threatening to fall. "This is ridiculous," Lena said. "You can't even hear me."
Lena leaned against the balcony, dropping her head and closing her eyes. She was ready to talk about how she feels after all this time, but the one person she wanted to tell was trapped in a place worse than death. Lena felt even angrier that she was here, so sad that she couldn't talk to Kara when Kara herself was almost certainly dealing with much worse. Lena couldn't stand thinking about Kara in the Phantom Zone. They'd never had the chance to discuss what Kara went through before arriving on Earth, but the look in Kara's eye when she mentioned the Phantom Zone before the fight with Lex told Lena all she needed to know. She couldn't stand around while Kara rotted in that hell dimension. She wouldn't wait any longer.
Lena drained the rest of her scotch, pulled out her phone, and dialed. "Alex," she said, trying her hardest to keep her shaking voice from betraying her desperation. "Meet me at the tower in 20 minutes."