Chapter 2: Hyacinths

A/N: Hi all, thanks for reading and following this story. It ended up being longer than expected, so I've split it into three chapters instead of two. Sorry for delaying the gratification, but I think it works best for the flow. Also, chapter 139 is almost upon us (or leaked, haha), but I will finish off the story as planned. I am almost done writing up chapter 3 so it will be out soon. Anyway, I hope you'll bear with me to the end, even if Isayama's version of events ends up much different to mine!

Happy reading and as always, all reviews/favs/follows are much appreciated! Please see the end of the chapter for plot points.

As Levi leaves the house, the wind rises, knocking a chill into his bones. He pulls his coat around him and makes his way to the only place where he can take refuge, the military headquarters.

As he walks, Levi reminisces on life behind the walls. Life then hadn't been easy, but it had been carefree and simple compared to the utter destruction of the world and the toxic politicking of the New Republic. Back then, he had had sanity, full vision, two hands with complete sets of fingers and full mobility in his leg. Now, he has sacrificed all these things, and for what? To be forced to work and breed like an animal for the sake of humanity?

He finds himself wishing that he had volunteered to fend off the titans instead of Hange. Or that he had led the charge against the Beast Titan instead of Erwin. A thousand 'ors' and 'ifs' plague the former captain's mind. Isabel, Farlan, Mike, Petra, Eld, Oluo, Hange, Erwin. The world would have been a much better place with any of them, yet fate had decided that he, a miserable, disfigured cripple chewed up and regurgitated by war after war, should be the lone survivor of the veteran Survey Corps. Sometimes, it hurts so much to be the only one left alive that he wishes he could just drop dead. But he knows that doing so would be as absurd as it would be comforting.

Whatever kills me in the end will have to be much worse than a thunderspear or a never-ending wave of titans, he thinks. And if I took my own life, the others would piss themselves laughing at me. The macabre thought cheers him up and he pushes forwards against the buffeting wind, warming himself with the happy memories of those he once fought beside and cared for.

The long, winding trail of memories eventually leads Levi to his mother, Kuchel. To Levi, she had been the light of the Underground with her gentle and kind temperament. Although they lived in squalid conditions and almost never had enough to eat, she always kept him close and protected him from her customers, some of whom were violent and rough. In those dangerous times, Levi never ventured to play with the other street urchins. His mother was his world, and he was happy.

Then one day, Kuchel's skin developed a sickly yellow tinge, and she came down with a fever. As weeks progressed, her appetite declined and she started vomiting, complaining about frequent stomach aches, and experiencing episodes of confusion. Levi had tried everything to save her, from asking the brothel owner to send doctors and medicine to pilfering food and drugs from merchants above ground. But when it became clear that she wasn't getting better, Kuchel had asked him to bring her flowers instead. That was when Levi found out his mother had an extensive knowledge about flowers. For a while, they made a game out of it. Him bringing her flowers, her describing their significance. Roses for love, pansies for consideration, poppies for remembrance, crocuses for hope and rebirth, carnations for longing. But the flowers he remembers best are the ones he brings her last.

-flashback—

"Momma, I brought you some new flowers!" Levi runs to his mother's bedside. "They look very different from the ones we normally get!" In one hand he waves a single plant. At the plant's base is a bulb, from which large, rounded leaves protrude. A single stem that shoots upward from this mass of leaves supports a dense cluster of purple, five-petalled flowers. Levi is pleased with his acquisition, as it had taken some quick and stealthy manoeuvring to retrieve them from a merchant's cart. Kuchel takes one look at the plant and smiles, patting her son's head.

"Well done, Levi. That's a hyacinth. Hyacinths grow in the springtime. White hyacinths represent prayers for someone, but purple ones like these represent deep regret and forgiveness. When you do something wrong to someone and you want to tell them you're sorry, you give them purple hyacinths."

Levi mulls over her words. "The world should give you hyacinths, momma. It made you hungry and it made you sick." Levi feels anger coiling in his chest and balls his fists, trying to stop hot tears from spilling out of his eyes. "No. All the flowers in the world wouldn't be enough. The world should burn for what it did to you."

A pained look crosses Kuchel's face, and for a moment Levi wonders whether he should get the bucket for her to vomit into. But she relaxes after taking a few deep breaths. "Levi, you are a good child, and I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you the best life. You have become so angry, and it's all my fault. But you can't be angry with the world for the way I am."

Levi shakes his head violently. "No! When I grow up, I'll make the whole world suffer because it left you alone!"

"Is the whole world really to blame?" Kuchel asks, her voice suddenly cold. "If you do get revenge, will that make me better?"

Levi trembles, for he knows the answers to her questions but doesn't want to admit them.

After a moment of silence, Kuchel speaks again. "Do you know why humanity survives within these walls, Levi?"

Levi has never seen the walls, but he has heard stories about them from his mother. "Why?"

"Because humans worked together to survive. There are many good people in this world who want to help others, but we all have different strengths and different weaknesses. Levi, you are strong in mind and strong in heart, but you anger easily when you're hurt. Sometimes, people can become so weak that they hurt you, even when they don't mean to. You need to learn how to forgive them, because when you do, they will remember your kindness and help you in turn, and together you will grow stronger. Learn now to set aside your anger. Be gracious and forgiving, and you will be all the happier for it."

"Okay," Levi says uncertainly, as he doesn't really understand what Kuchel is saying. But she mentions that she wants him to be strong and to help others, and he will do anything for his mother.

Kuchel smiles and strokes his hair.

The next day, she is gone.

-end of flashback-

When Levi is old enough to recall their conversation and understand it, he first dismisses it as wishful thinking. His time with Kenny has taught him that, if anything, he can only rely on himself. His mother had at least been right about him being strong, though how she could have known that from the start was a mystery to him. But over time, he slowly came to understand the wisdom in his mother's words. With Isabel and Farlan, he learned how to trust others. In the military, he learned to rely on Erwin's strategic mindset, Hange's compassion, and the loyalty of his squads instead of his own cold fury and brute force. Then, as younger generations filtered into their ranks, Levi took it upon himself to train each of his chosen soldiers and make them strong in body and spirit. Eren had been one of those soldiers. So had Mikasa.

Still, Levi cannot reconcile everything his mother told him. He had tried his hardest to make Mikasa's life comfortable and even dared to love her. Yet she had pushed him away and even accused him of shaming her into having his child. Even now, as he tries to suppress his own tormented feelings and reminds himself that she is still mourning Eren, he is furious at her small-mindedness. After all, she isn't the only one who has lost someone important in the war. And she isn't the one trying to rebuild their lives. This time, he will not set aside his anger.

Be gracious and forgiving, and you will be all the happier for it.

"I am sorry mother, I will not."

For forgiveness is a luxury required only by those whose actions are single-minded and selfish. Levi won't trade forgiveness for happiness, a trivial emotion which always takes too much sacrifice to achieve, nor will he exchange it for the happiness of someone who is determined to see the worst in him, even if that person is his wife and the mother of his child.

When she hears the front door slam shut, Mikasa is suddenly overwhelmed by sorrow. But even as she trembles violently with the unexpected impact of her words, she cannot bring herself to cry. She wonders where Levi might have gone. The nights are cold, and she's almost sure he hasn't dressed warmly enough. Most people would be asleep by now. She imagines he has gone to the military headquarters. She considers running after him but dismisses the idea when she realises that doing so would be to admit she was wrong. She figures they will talk after they both cool down and he comes home.

But Mikasa barely sees Levi after that night. As the winter months drag on, the amount of time he spends at work becomes inversely proportional to the hours of sunlight in each day. These days, he only returns after she goes to bed and leaves before she wakes up. Mikasa isn't even sure that he sleeps at home anymore, as his side of the bed always feels cold to the touch.

One night, Mikasa wakes up. It is still dark outside. She notices Levi's side of the bed is still empty but hears the creaking of wood. Leaving the bedroom, she sees a sliver of light filtering through the trapdoor on the kitchen floor. Has Levi been hiding in the basement to avoid her? She hesitates for a moment, as she has never been down there before. But after a while, she musters the courage to open the trapdoor. Propping it open carefully, she descends towards the light, going slowly to accommodate her large belly and aching back. When she is halfway down the steps, she pauses to observe her surroundings.

The basement is small and minimally furnished. In the farthest corner from the stairs is a large desk with neat stacks of books and papers. Levi sits at this desk with his back to her, reading by candlelight. Behind him, she spots a bedroll and a coarse blanket in the corner. So that's where he's been sleeping, she thinks with a guilty pang.

Levi doesn't seem to have noticed her presence, and this gives her courage to descend further. As she reaches the lowest step, she can see her husband in side-profile. Whether it's the sleep clouding her mind or the soft glow of the candlelight, Mikasa will never know. But in that tranquil room, she notices little things about her husband that she had never noticed before, like the slight flare of his cheek before it tapers to the sharp point of his chin, the dark rings circling his eyes, and the subtle movement his lips make as he mouths the words he reads. And even though they have lain together several times before, she is suddenly struck by the intimacy of these observations and feels ashamed, as if she has stolen something from him. She blushes, and her breath catches in her throat.

"Go to bed. I'm reading." Levi suddenly says without turning to look at her. Mikasa starts. He was once Humanity's Strongest soldier, of course he would have sensed her presence early on and simply chosen not to react. Somehow, that makes her perceived crime even more heinous. She searches for something to say, suppressing the urge to imagine how silly she must look right now.

"You should sleep, too. It's late, and you look tired."

"I sleep down here now. I'll be out of your way."

"But – "

"Go."

The command is uttered with such firmness that for a moment, Mikasa sees the image of a handsome captain defying all his short stature to stand tall, strong, and proud before her. She obeys his command and retreats up the stairs to the bedroom. But as her head sinks into the pillow for the second time that night, she feels sorry that she was unable to express her regret. She fears that, unlikely as she would ever have imagined it, her words have wounded Captain Levi Ackerman beyond repair.

Winter gives way to spring, bathing the land once again in a blanket of verdant green and beds of blossoms. Mikasa is in her final term of pregnancy, and as the pains and aches in her back, stomach, and feet worsen, she spends more time at home. Armin, Annie, Reiner, and even Pieck and Falco, whom she never really knew well, take turns visiting and helping her about the house. As Levi is never around, she welcomes their company.

One day, Armin and Annie visit, bringing along their baby daughter, Rose. They fawn over the baby together in the kitchen. Rose is a healthy, rosy-cheeked baby with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a round chin. Based on her features and her firm grip around Mikasa's finger, Mikasa can already tell that Rose will have the looks of her father and the strength of her mother. She thinks of her own child's impending arrival, and for a moment, her heart feels light.

Rose suddenly squalls, startling Mikasa from her pleasant thoughts. Annie takes Rose from Mikasa's arms and excuses herself to the bedroom to breastfeed. When she is out of earshot, Armin approaches Mikasa.

"I haven't seen Levi around these last few months. How is he doing?"

"He's busy with work," Mikasa tries to say casually, but Armin catches the subtle hitch in her voice. His brow furrows in concern.

"Did something happen between you two?"

Mikasa lowers her head. "A few months ago, he touched the scar on my face, and it triggered memories of Eren. I yelled at him. I accused him of separating Eren and me, and for trying to replace Eren. I said nothing he could do or say would make me love him." She pauses, pained by the memory. "I'd like to think that I said those things because of my mood swings, but that would be untrue and weak."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. It's normal to feel grief and anxiety after an event as traumatic as war, and it takes time to learn how to cope with that. For what it's worth, I think you're doing well. You picked up embroidery, you have a child on the way, and don't forget, you always have us," Armin says softly. He thinks sadly of the war veterans he visited at the medical facility a few days ago. Some of them had been so traumatised that they hallucinated, needed sleeping pills every night, and sometimes even erupted into shouting fits for no apparent reason.

"I wish I could move on, but I can't let myself forget about Eren."

Mikasa waits for Armin to berate her for being selfish, for deep down, she knows that is what she is. Selfish for choosing Eren and a future that might have been over the reality of her husband and unborn child. But when she looks into Armin's eyes she finds no judgement in them, only sadness.

"I still can't believe that he slipped through our fingers like that."

His words are like the bolt that opens the floodgates.

"If only Eren had talked to us," Mikasa clenches her fists, "we might have found a way out. Then he wouldn't have had to soil his hands with so much innocent blood, Levi wouldn't have insisted that he needed to die, and I wouldn't have had to kill him. Then he would still be alive, and I could have loved him."

"You're right. But that all depended on Eren being reasonable. We did our best to reason with him, but he chose not to talk to us and to destroy the world. And in response, we collectively agreed to fight against him to save humanity." Armin pauses, and his eyes seem to gaze past the kitchen wall. "Even so, I think that Eren believed his actions would save us no matter what. If he succeeded, humanity beyond Paradis Island would be erased. If he didn't, he would become a common enemy for humanity to fight against, and in the aftermath, the remaining survivors would live in harmony. Either way, Paradis Island would be safe. Eren's plan worked, and we now find ourselves in the latter reality. Eren means a lot to you, and he means a lot to me. But he is gone now, and the best way to honour his sacrifice is to accept the future he gave us and enjoy it."

A lone tear slides down Mikasa's face. She had had these same thoughts many years ago, but she had refused to discuss them with anyone else for fear of being proven right. But as she sits here three years later, listening to her trusted childhood friend echo the very thoughts she had tried so hard to put away, she can no longer shy away from the truth. It is Eren's fault that things turned out this way, and in his beautiful yet terrible sacrifice he gave them all new lives. It is Eren's fault. Not hers, not Armin's, not Annie's, not Reiner's, not Pieck's, not Falco's. Not Levi's.

Levi. Mikasa tries to imagine his life. She doesn't know much about his childhood except that he grew up in the Underground in Mitras, lost his mother at a young age, and was taught how to fight before being abandoned by Kenny. What else? After joining the Survey Corps, he became close in his rough, endearing way to Erwin, Hange, and Mike, and commanded his own squad. He had lost all of them since, been crippled in the war, and been forced into a dead-end job and a loveless marriage with her, all in the name of humanity. And even as she had spent the last three years being angry and bitter, he had worked hard despite his own losses to earn a comfortable living for them and even tried to make the cold house they share feel like a home…good God.

Be free. Mikasa…please. Forget about me, Eren whispers.

A wave of sadness and guilt washes over Mikasa and she buries her face in her hands. If she had talked about this earlier, maybe she could have avoided the pain of the previous years. Somewhere in the background, she hears Rose finally quieten down.

"I should apologise to him," she mutters. "But after what I said to him, he only comes home at odd hours and pretends I don't exist." She is pulled into Armin's embrace. They don't hug often, but Armin is always good at reading situations, and this time she really needs it.

"Knowing the captain, he will be strong enough to look past his own feelings and return to your side if you reach out to him first."

"Thank you, Armin," she says quietly, though in truth she is at a loss for ways to make amends. After thinking for a short while, she hits on an idea and strengthens her resolve. She isn't confident that it will work, but she still needs to try, for his sake.

"You've done so much for me already, but if you can do one more thing for me…please…I'd be really grateful."

Armin smiles. "Anything for you, Mikasa."

It's late afternoon on a warm spring day. Levi strolls through the market square, observing the changes the season has brought. More people are out enjoying the warmth and extra hours of daylight, and loud-mouthed brats play and chatter on the sidewalk. The stalls also bustle with activity, selling seasonal vegetables, fruits, and flowers. Levi's head throbs when he hears the shrill cries of two loud fishwives fighting for the best rhubarbs, the best carrots, and the best artichokes.

He wants to go home, but it's not time yet. At this time of day, Mikasa would have sold her wares and returned home with fresh material to work with, though given how far along she is in her pregnancy she may also be at home resting or cooking dinner with Annie or Pieck. He will go to the tavern for a cold dinner and head back when it's dark and she has gone to bed.

"Captain Levi!" Levi turns to see Armin running towards him. Even though Levi is no longer a captain, Armin still insists on calling him by his former title. Armin catches up to him, then pauses to catch his breath with his hands on his knees.

"To think that you survived the war so you could bust a lung while running down a street."

"You always move too fast for me, captain."

"Ass kissing doesn't work on me, Arlert. I'm not one of your government cronies." Levi scowls. He hasn't quite forgiven Arlert for forcing them to breed like rabbits yet, but he grudgingly admires the brat's efforts to give the Eldians a better future in the New Republic. There are still many issues that need tending to, but they have come a long way from internment zones and convenient scapegoating.

"What do you want?"

"Mikasa told me you're not on speaking terms."

Levi arches an eyebrow, unamused. "Is Mikasa getting you to do her dirty work now? You should know better than to poke your nose where it doesn't belong."

"Mikasa is my childhood friend. With all due respect captain, I cannot ignore this."

Levi glares at Armin, but while the boy-now-man trembles slightly under his withering gaze, he does not back down.

"Please talk to her, captain. I don't know the full story, but are hurtful words spoken in the heat of the moment worth ending a relationship over?"

"Is that what she told you?" Levi seethes. "Mikasa was stewing on those thoughts for several months straight. She made it more than clear that she doesn't want anyone by her side except a sorry excuse for a ghost. Trying to show her otherwise is pointless."

"She's had a change of heart. At least listen to what she has to say," Armin begs. "What she said before was hurtful, but anger is not the answer to saving your marriage."

Levi grabs Armin by the collar and rams him against a wall, causing passers-by to shriek and scurry off. "Just because the Colossal and Female Titans are happy in bed together doesn't mean all marriages are going to be as lovey-dovey. I certainly didn't think it would be when you persuaded me to get into this mess."

"Maybe not…look, I'm sorry I talked you into marrying Mikasa."

Levi's good eye twitches at Armin's insincere tone. The brat isn't even trying. "You're a terrible liar."

"You're right. Sorry." Armin looks at him with renewed determination, and Levi's eyes narrow as he recognises the look. He has seen it before in the eyes of a certain commander, once upon a time. "I asked you to marry her because I knew you would look out for her. And you did, knowing that Mikasa might never stop loving Eren. You married her despite knowing she would blame you for being insensitive to her feelings. You told her you would rather be the father of her child than give her to a stranger. You worked extra hours so you could earn enough to keep her comfortable. And I know you asked the others to visit and keep her company so she wouldn't feel lonely. So really, captain, I don't know why you did all of that for her only to cut her off when her emotions got the better of her one time."

"Tch. What are you, the domestic affairs police?" Levi growls. He knows Armin has a knack for gathering intel but swears that some of the information that falls into his hands can only come from military-grade espionage. "I don't think I'm the villain here, Arlert. And I sure as hell don't need your pity or your insults." He gives Armin another push and then stands back, glaring. Armin rubs his sore shoulder.

"I'm being honest and telling you what I've seen and heard. You're a good husband and I know you'll be a good father. Please don't give up on Mikasa now, because there is another reason why I asked you to marry her… because I wanted it. I know I was being selfish, but Mikasa is the closest thing to a sister that I have. I wouldn't have given her away to a lesser man. So…sorry, but not sorry."

Levi is utterly furious. He'll be damned if he peels off this brat's face and finds anyone other than Erwin fucking Smith staring back at him.

He opens his mouth to retort, but Armin suddenly tosses something his way and he catches it on reflex. He glares at the package in his hands.

"Thank goodness you caught it. Mikasa would have killed me if you hadn't." Armin straightens. "I won't intervene again, but I only ask you to set aside your anger, take Mikasa's package, and let her repeat to you what I've already said when you go home tonight."

Levi blinks, momentarily caught off guard by Armin's words. Set aside your anger.

"Anyway, I should get going now. Excuse me." Nodding slightly at the captain, Armin takes his leave.

Levi examines the package. It is wrapped neatly and secured in place with a blue ribbon. If all his love and attention in the past year hadn't been enough for her, what made her think that one petty little gift would be good enough for him? He rips it open, determined to hate whatever is inside, but what he sees makes him freeze.

It is a clean, white handkerchief made of cotton. It's good quality cotton, judging by its soft texture, and must have been difficult and expensive to acquire. But what makes him stare is the embroidered motif. In each corner, thin, green leaves unfurl to the sides, revealing two stems sporting dense clusters of light purple florets that protrude towards the centre and curl away from each other (1). Although the embroidery lacks resolution and takes some artistic licence, Levi recognises the plants and their message by their unique shape and colour.

Hyacinths, purple.

Along one edge, he notices delicate, wine-coloured lettering embroidered on a single, neat line.

To Levi, From Mikasa.

He lets the soft material glide over his calloused hands. It feels like cool, clear water washing all their sins away.

Set aside your anger.

His eyes burn.

Be gracious and forgiving...

His fist clenches tight over the handkerchief, and the angry red rays of the setting sun blaze his shadow into the dusty ground of the chaotic market square.

Plot point:

(1) I don't embroider, so forgive me if the details seem unrealistic or unfeasible! I used an image of a vintage tray cloth as inspiration (see link). I hope the link doesn't break before you read this: in-en/listing/601855127/vintage-hyacinth-embroidered-tablecloth