I'm aware some of the characters will seem OoC, but that's just because they haven't been developed into their canon versions yet. For example, a five yr. old Gai would probably not be anywhere as confident and flamboyant as he is as an adult. I actually imagine him as someone who might've been bullied as a child, someone who had to harden early on... but at 5 he would still have some insecurities because of his lack of chakra control, his appearance, etc.
Same goes for Kakashi being a little rule-abiding shit as a kid, and Inoue being kinda spoiled and a bit bossy. I promise these are just their childhood personalities tho, lol
Inoichi became a dad at 19 in this fic, so he's a lot younger than in canon, and likely more immature too

Misnomer

Kakashi was the worst tattle-tale in the history of ever . The worst, most infuriating, jerk-tattletale ever, to be exact. To explain the exact gravity of his crimes, I would have to recap a bit. You see, a few days before I was set to enroll into the Academy, Kaori-oba was once again scolding me for my tadpole stunt. She then informed me that, 'thankfully', kunoichi classes would soon 'beat all of that tomfoolery' out of me.

I asked why and was horrified at the answer: kunoichi classes were these girly girl classes that only girls had to take, where you learn about flower arrangements, sewing and other such dribble. When I asked my aunt how on earth all that would help me to become a fearsome shinobi, she laughed in my face. 'I could use them very much' she insisted, changing the topic, but I was not of the same opinion. It would be alright if everyone had to take them, but that wasn't the case. While the girls were stuck with kunoichi classes, the boys got sparring lessons and more combat classes! Now that's something a future hokage could use. That was something I could use.

If you haven't guessed yet, I was set on becoming hokage at that age (same as every boy in my class, I would soon find out) and nothing was going to convince me to settle for anything else.

It was thanks to my aunt's words that it occurred to me that there were no other girl hokage in the history of the village and when I asked Kaori-oba about it she told me that there wasn't a single village that had had a girl hokage, ever . She explained to me, with much more relish than necessary, that kunoichi, being physically weaker than their male counterparts, usually settled for support roles or in some rare cases espionage or undercover roles. Support roles! Bah. I couldn't believe it. It didn't take a rocket-scientist to realize that nobody would ever pick a support person to become hokage. I was not gonna settle for support , thank you very much. So the only course of action left to me was obvious. Well, at least to me.

"What are you doing here?" Kakashi asked me drolly. "And why are you dressed like that?"

I almost groaned. My luck was the worst . The only two people who could break my cover here were Asuma Sarutobi (unlikely since we'd never talked) and Hatake Kakashi (unlikely since he was in another class), and now he was standing there and staring at me with his typical dead-fish stare.

I decided to play it stupid.

"I… what are you talking about? My name's Inosuke, you know. Not whatever you're thinking about."

Kakashi's eyebrows arched. "Very convincing. And my name is Tarou Shibuimaru."

I blinked at him. "Was that supposed to be a joke?" Oh, wait. I wasn't supposed to know him! "I mean… nice to meat you, Taro!"

He stared at me. "It's called sarcasm…" he said slowly. "And you didn't answer my question, Inoue ."

Rude. Who gave him the right to use my first name like that? I almost told him as much before remembering that I was supposed to be undercover.

"Inoue who? I'm Inosuke Yamanaka so obviously I'm gonna dress like this!" This being: a hat I'd stuffed all my hair into so it would look short and then some boy clothes I had filched from my cousin.

In truth, my ruse had been rather easy to accomplish. Due to the war effort, anyone who wanted to sign up at the Academy would be allowed to without problems. No forms or paperwork were needed, one just had to show up; instruction would be provided. Because of this, all I had to do was hide my disguise in my school bag and change into it in the bathroom after saying goodbye to my aunt. Easy peasy. The sensei had just nodded when I'd introduced myself as Inosuke Yamanaka and that was that; everybody had just assumed I was a boy. Bathroom trips were kind of a nightmare but my cover had held so far… and I had gotten to skip kunoichi classes, which was the important part.

"You're clearly the Yamanaka clan heiress," Kakashi cut me off drolly, looking patently unimpressed.

"I… I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Really now?"

"Yeah! You're delusional!"

Kakashi didn't seem to appreciate that declaration. "Well, then I'm sure if I go to your dad right now and ask if there's any Yamanaka your age called Inosuke, he'll say yes, right?"

My eyes widened. He had me. "No! No! Don't do that!"

"Ha. I knew it was you."

I glared at him. Smug butt wipe… "Well, fine. Just don't tell anyone and we won't have problems…" I tried to sound as threatening as possible, though Kakashi didn't seem phased in the least.

"You do realize that what you're doing is against the rules, right?"

"I don't see how it's anyone's problem but my own," I rebutted, trying to end this conversation as soon as possible.

"Actually, it is."

"Oh, yeah? Well whose problem is it?"

Kakashi glared at me. "It's my problem now, because I will not be caught breaking rules. Keeping quiet about this would constitute as such."

I was floored by that. He would rat me out?! "How about you take a hike," I settled for saying, rather diplomatically, in my opinion. I could've called him a goodie-two-shoes snitch, but I didn't. I can play nice.

"I'm telling your sensei," was his reply. "If he's okay with it, then you can keep up this weird ruse."

"No!" I cried. "Please, wait! You don't understand!"

"What don't I understand?"

"Kunoichi classes!" I exclaimed. "They would make me take them!"

"…so?"

"Well they're horrible! And I can't be hokage if people think I'm a girl!"

Kakashi stared at me like I was a loon. "Uh-huh."

"It's true!" I snapped. "There has never been a female kage and it's because girls are always forced into stupid support roles! I've got to disguise myself!"

"So what?" he said slowly. "Are you going to pretend to be a boy until they make you hokage?"

I opened my mouth to answer but then closed it again. Actually… I hadn't thought that far.

He snorted. "That is, if you manage to get appointed, anyway."

"Of course I will," I snapped at him.

"Heh. I sincerely doubt it," Kakashi said and then smiled slyly. "As long as I'm around, they'll choose me first."

What? No! I was horrified at this prospect, most especially at the probability of it being true. Kakashi was supposed to be really smart, after all. "No they won't! Nobody would want such a jerk as a hokage!"

"Pff. Like you're any better, frog girl."

"It was a tadpole!"

"You know diplomacy isn't really your thing, right?" Kakashi commented dismissively. "You'd probably cause a war on your first day in office by chugging pond animals at a foreign kage."

I glared at him. "As if you can talk! You'd make everyone stop coming to Konoha because your mask makes it look like there's a pandemic!"

"You do realize I'll be able to have someone operate on my split lip later on, right?"

I was so mad by that point that I could've probably led ships into port with my glowing cheeks. "Yeah, well, y-you're a jerk so maybe the surgeon will stitch your mouth shut instead!"

"See? No diplomacy." Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Also, I'm telling sensei."

This is why, after our second encounter, Kakashi had firmly cemented himself as 'jerk of all jerks' in my mind. The ass wipe had actually gone through with his threat and tattled on me!

As predicted, my sensei had not been amused at my covert operation and had given me an extremely embarrassing dressing-down in front of the entire class. Worse yet, he changed my schedule so I would have to attend kunoichi classes 'for my own good'. To my horror, the classes were the least of the damage. After being exposed, the girls refused to go near me because I'd pretended to be a boy and boys who I'd previously struck up a tenuous friendship with stayed away from me because I was a girl .

The sudden isolation felt like a slap in the face. In my clan, there weren't many children and none my age, but despite that, we often hung out together. They invited me to play with them, they were nice to me. But in the Academy? No Yamanaka were in my class and no one seemed to care who I was either. Most of the kids were almost two years older than me, aged six, and that only drove the wedge between us even further. After becoming the outcast, no one would risk talking to me either, none wanted to pair up for spars… I was really starting to regret my decision to pester my family into letting me enroll early. Many clan children did, yes, but the few clan kids in my class were mostly jerks. For some reason, in first year there were mostly civilians, while the clan children were more abundant in the upper years… and the civilians disliked me, whispering about how I was a spoiled brat that had everything she could wish for, how I'd been born with a silver spoon. It wasn't true. I refused to believe it, but their insults still got to me sometimes, when I was sitting on my own during recess. Was there a kernel of truth to them? Was I a spoiled brat? Someone would have told me if I was… right?

I had always been so confident in my ability to befriend others… but a cold suspicion began to dawn on me, one that I dreaded: what if that was just because I was important in my clan? What if they didn't want to be friends with me, but with the clan heiress? I'd called Kakashi stupid for not making friends, and now here I was, actually trying (unlike him) my hardest and still completely alone. Though that brought me to another point… this was all his fault. If Kakashi hadn't told on me, everything would be fine . Everybody would still think I was Inosuke. I wouldn't be the outcast. I wouldn't have to sit alone on recess, to pair up with sensei during projects because there was no one left, to slug through kunoichi classes that I despised. But noooo, Kakashi just had to go and be a tattletale! I was really itching to slap the jerk, consequences be damned.

Luckily, my suffering ended before I could do anything too drastic. My salvation came in the form of a new student transferred into my class. He was one year older than me but he'd been held back (after much deliberation) because he sucked at chakra manipulation. The fact that he was kinda funny-looking prevented him from making any normal friends… but he didn't rebuff my offer to spar together when I made it that first time, nor my offer to sit together during recess. He didn't look weirdly at me like the others and didn't seem to think I had cooties, and really, that was all I asked. This is how, after a rather rocky start to my ninja career, I made my first non-Yamanaka friend. Maito Gai didn't even know I was a clan heiress, bless his innocent heart, and that just made it all the sweeter in my mind.

A while later, daddy began acting odd. I didn't understand why. He hadn't seemed to mind my 'undercover operation' one bit, laughing as he ruffled my hair when he'd read sensei's angry note, whispering something about me being his daughter through and through… yet now, he kept asking me about my grades and stuff.

Much to mom's protests that I was still too young, it was decided that I needed to focus more on my schoolwork and training. Since she wasn't a Yamanaka by blood, there was little mom could do to help… except to suggest grandpa take care of teaching me, who was quite overqualified for the job. He was still kinda 'young' by civilian standards, having just retired, and I liked him a great deal. He was around a lot more than daddy. He also let me off the hook after a while of the extra lessons so I could go and play with Gai, taking advantage of the otherwise empty house. He'd told me not to mention to anyone besides mom that he was letting me leave early. I didn't, of course, but daddy found out anyway.

"She can't fall behind, Father! You have to go harder on her!"

"What? You want her to become kunai-fodder?" Grandpa's voice, colder than I'd ever heard it, followed. "The longer she gets held back, the longer the girl lives. This is a waiting game and the price of losing may well be death."

"The other clan heads are already throwing shade!"

"Trust me when I say this, Inoichi, you do not want the girl graduating during the war!"

"She's my daughter, old man, and I have influence! She wouldn't be sent to the battlefield!"

"You are just a boy!"

"I am twenty-three! I've been a jonin for years!"

"Heh. So? You still think you hold enough sway over the council to control Inoue's career if she graduates?" Grandfather sounded unkind and sharp. "Let me tell you – there's already talk of letting Hatake's brat graduate soon and you know as well as I do that he's scarcely got a year on her."

"But he won't. He won't! Not as long as Sakumo's there to keep the council's grubby hands off of him!"

"And?" Grandpa snapped. "Sakumo's just a man. He can die. So can you. A shinobi is a tool, tools will be used. If Inoue becomes a shinobi during the war, what happens to her might well be out of your hands, you foolish boy."

"Didn't you hear me?" Daddy snapped back hoarsely. "There's talk Inoue has no talent! That she's a simpleton! A simpleton, father! I cannot allow them to say such things! This could be bad for her future – Hizashi made me look–"

Grandfather seemed to lose his temper.

"So? Live with it or live without a daughter! Your choice."

I left by that point. I didn't understand what throwing shade or kunai-fodder was, but I'd understood their tone well enough. I had understood that people thought I was a… simpleton… a stupid head . I'd heard that while I was being whispered about for being stupid, Kakashi was being whispered about because he was already set to graduate. My teeth gritted and I felt tears prickling at my eyes. Dumb Kakashi…! How could he be so much better than I? At this rate, he'd be hokage by the time I made genin! I fisted my hands angrily, promising myself I'd show the butt wipe. So maybe I wasn't so good at schoolwork, but still! I was the person who could do most laps in class right after Gai, and I could even keep up with the boys during spars despite them getting extra lessons. That's what was important right? I would still have a chance, right? I had to. I'd find some way. I refused to be support . Ever. No matter what my aunt said.

Just you wait, Kakashi!

Since that day, I openly declared warfare on Hatake Kakashi. Well, I wasn't sure whether he knew it, but I'd made sure to tell Gai all about it. Whilst my general feelings for the jerk were that I was pissed at him, Gai always got an attentive expression on his face whenever he was mentioned. I'd gotten the impression that my friend admired the stupid butt wipe! Sure, according to sensei's copious rants about 'the prodigious Hatake heir', Kakashi was placing consistently in the top five of his advanced class for all tests, had remarkable chakra control, dexterous handsigns and knew every kata required to become genin. I wasn't blind, I could see why everyone else thought he was cool, but still, Gai's admiration threw me off.

More than anything Kakashi had done, I kept remembering my father's words, how people said I was a simpleton, and how I was falling behind. I was trying to learn how to read and write, but it was so hard. Every day, I'd see everyone doing better than me, finishing the reading faster and with less effort, and then I'd be faced with my own 'subpar' work even after trying hard. Without fail, sensei would hold me back during recess so I'd complete my work, stating that I shouldn't have goofed off during class… even though I hadn't. And in those moments, as I sat there, alone in the classroom, struggling with the stupid scribbles that gave me so much trouble and wishing for my bento and Gai, I would remember Kakashi and how great he was, how everything came easy to him, how he was the absolute opposite of me – a prodigy and I felt my feelings boil. I didn't understand how Gai could just admire him without feeling annoyed at all. At first I thought he was being polite, but then I realized that my friend's reactions to Kakashi's fame were genuine: he simply felt plain admiration and a drive to some day reach his level. I was really surprised and sort of humbled by that.

In a lot of ways, Gai had it harder than me. Well, scratch that – in every way. He was better at school work, yes, and outstanding at taijutsu, but chakra manipulation gave him a lot of trouble. Our classmates often laughed at him for his thick eyebrows and haircut, for his failure at the leaf exercise, for his voice that got too loud when excited or flamboyant speech that sometimes slipped out – but they especially teased him about his dad. Maito Dai was a career genin, stuck to running D-ranks for life, and with an 'embarrassing' personality. He wasn't from a clan that could help Gai with his schoolwork or buy him fancy training clothes. He wasn't even well paid even though he worked and worked… Most of Gai's belongings were rundown and his equipment while not exactly shabby, wasn't the best either, but he refused to borrow anything from me. He could be very proud when he wanted to be, that Gai. After knowing him for some time, I realized that he didn't have anyone who could teach him the way I had grandpa or Kakashi had his hotshot dad because Gai's dad didn't know any ninjutsu either, Gai's dad was a failure, according to everybody, and yet I'd never heard Gai complain. Not a single word. He would just keep going. Yes, Kakashi had skills but he was a jerk, that was obvious to anyone who'd had a conversation with him. After knowing Gai for a few months, I found that my friend, though he himself didn't know it, was much more admirable.

Even so, I wasn't like Gai. I couldn't turn off my annoyance at Kakashi being everybody's favorite, at him tattling on me… the jerk still occupied my thoughts a lot. Besides, telling Gai my strategies so I'd beat Kakashi to the hokage seat was always preferable to morosely talking about my lacking academics. Gai agreed with me that Kakashi was like the 'final boss' because of how hip and cool he was, so of course it was unanimously decided he'd be the main villain in our make-believe games, under the alias of 'the Weird Scarecrow', the name courtesy of me of course. Gai, also known as the Lotus Samurai, seemed to view Kakashi as more of a 'cool rival' than the actual villain, but he never minded when I exclaimed over the Weird Scarecrow's wickedness for dramatic effect.

Being the lucky girl that I am, one day, while we were once more enacting the defeat of the Weird Scarecrow down in the fields, I suddenly stopped jumping around when I noticed Gai staring wide-eyed at something behind me. Loo and behold, the actual Kakashi was standing there, looking at us with a raised brow.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

I stared at him, refusing to be embarrassed, even though I'd just been shouting about him. "Hm, nothing. I wasn't talking about you." I turned around. "Come on, Samurai Lotus, we should get going! Our quest awaits."

The jerk stared after us with narrowed eyes and, while I made a titanic effort at continuing our quest against the Weird Scarecrow as if nothing were amiss, however, Gai was now distracted. The traitor kept shooting glances back at Kakashi, who was still staring fixedly at the back of my head while I pretended not to notice.

"Really?" Kakashi questioned condescendingly, after a while of listening to me prattle about imaginary battles and quests. "You're pretending you can summon demons?"

I scowled. "I'm not pretending at anything!" I pointed at the mouse I'd picked up. "He's my demon familiar Grangr, show some respect."

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "I thought you just called him Ivra."

"Shut it, you! Gren's got many names!"

"Right. I should've known."

"Yeah. You should have."

He glanced at my hat. "And what are you even doing with those rags?"

I was prepared to snap something back, but Gai cut me off before I could get around to insulting him. "These aren't rags, it's a witch's hat, my rival!"

Kakashi quirked an eyebrow at Gai, then turned back to me. "I thought you were a demon summoner."

"Yeah, well I'm not," I informed him. "I'm a witch who can summon demons. There's a difference."

"And I'm a werewolf samurai!" Gai added happily.

"Yeah, he's the Samurai of the Lotus. When he transforms, he–"

"Like I care," Kakashi deadpanned. "You two are ridiculous."

I glared balefully at him. "Then why did you talk to us in the first place huh? Jerk face."

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you were shouting my name ?"

"Well, I wasn't referring to you ," I said with an eye roll.

"Then who?"

"I was talking about the Weird Scarecrow, obviously."

"The what ?"

"The Weird Scarecrow is a villainous fiend who routinely attempts to destroy the world with his hip straw strikes!" Gai exclaimed. "It is my duty as Samurai of the lotus to foil such evil-doer's plans," Noticing Kakashi's glare, he added, "ah, but he can still do a very impressive crow repelling attack."

"And that's supposed to be me ?" Kakashi asked incredulously.

"I said it wasn't you," I sniped.

"There isn't anywhere else you could've gotten that name from."

"Well, so what? We based our villain off of you, since you're like the epitome of jerks all over, even if you are a goodie-two –"

"–If you based him on me, then you would know that I would never lose to you , for starters. And I refuse to believe anyone trying to conquer the world would use straw attacks."

"Well, maybe you're too stupid to think of a way to use straw murderously," I told him defensively, "but the Weird Scarecrow isn't! And besides, he can frighten crows with a glance, which is useful since he can use them like an army."

"Ha. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, frog girl."

I felt my face heat up. "Like you're one to talk, butt wipe!"

"Who's the butt wipe, fartknocker?"

"You shouldn't curse!" Gai intervened at this point. "It is most unbecoming!"

"I'm supposed to be the villain, aren't I?" Kakashi replied flippantly. "I'm sure the weirdo witch here can handle it."

I gave him an annoyed look and stomped on his foot. "That's the Demon Witch Chieftain to you, butt wipe."

"Ha. Lamest name I've ever heard," Kakashi replied, even as he moved to stomp right back. And succeeded, much to my toenail's dismay.

"Oh, I wanna play too!" Gai exclaimed, stepping on my foot also, though more gently.

"No, not mine, Gai!" I snapped. "He's the enemy! Don't let his tactics fool you…"

Kakashi was looking at us like we were lunatics and slowly inched back when we jointly turned to stare at his sandals. We didn't get to step on them or even attempt to, though, because the jerk promptly walked up the closest tree, much to our enraged gaping. Instead of leaving, however, Kakashi surprised me by staying with us, though not to play nice, oh no. Instead, he endeavored to comment on what we were doing every waking second, looking for plot holes in our battle story and made up skills, his favorite pastime being to point out applications to the Weird Scarecrow's powers (that would mean he could beat the Lotus Samurai and the Demon Witch Chieftain) with that smug, lazy tone of his. I was quick to tell him that he was making powers up which was cheating, to which he replied I was cheating too, because I had too many power buffs to begin with. (Needless to say, half of the time we could've spent playing was spent with me shouting up Kakashi's tree and Gai cutting in to say something about rivalries.)

Surprisingly, that wasn't the last we saw of the jerk. In fact, from that day on, he would often show up while we were playing in the meadows or empty lots of Konoha and shower us with his usual delightful comments.

"Why are you trying to fight me with a stick? Aren't witches supposed to not own katanas?"

"I think if I have the ability to scare crows, who are pretty intelligent, I should be able to scare you easily."

"You know that's a pine tree, right? Not a dragon?"

And he also liked to step on my toes, literally, while pretending it was an accident when we both knew it wasn't. And then, when I tried to return the favor and step on his toes, he'd walk up another tree and smirk down smugly, like the jerk he was.

"Just go away, butt wipe! We're busy!" I would yell at him. (We had many iterations of the same conversation.)

"Inoue-chan, you shouldn't call him that! It isn't right!"

"Like I'd leave just because you told me to, frog girl."

"Then stay in your tree for all I care, that way you won't get to step on my sandals again by accident, you jerk!"

"Ha. And you want to be hokage? You do realize that someone stepping on your dainty toe will be the last of your worries, right?"

"Take a hike, Kakashi!"

When he was around, I was terrible at controlling my temper, even though with just Gai there this had never been a problem… but Kakashi just got under my skin. Why was he such a fan of annoying me, anyway? Couldn't he get a hobby? It occurred to me at some point, however, when the jerk wasn't there to distract me, that maybe Kakashi Hatake didn't have a whole slew of friends, and that maybe he was trying to befriend us, in his own weird way. Why else would he hang out with us so often? I remembered my own loneliness. Perhaps – perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to have him around…? It was better to keep an eye on the competition, anyway, I justified to myself. So from then on, I stopped complaining about him as much and also stopped calling him butt wipe, since that was the most offensive insult that I knew and Kakashi didn't deserve to be compared to toilet paper… though Gai still complained that my replacement insult, 'maskey mantis', wasn't a nice thing to say either. Still, I thought it was an improvement, just in case Kakashi was actually trying to be friends and didn't know how. Then again, it was just as likely that he was simply a jerk who enjoyed pushing our buttons for his own amusement.

We had settled into something of a balance in our tentative maybe-friendship when the jerk of all jerks suddenly stopped showing up to our field. To my surprise, as much as I'd complained when he'd joined us initially, now I was very put out by his absence. After three days, I asked daddy about it, but I hadn't been expecting his answer. Though I barely knew him, the news hit me hard – Sakumo Hatake was dead. He was never coming back. Kakashi… Kakashi didn't have a daddy anymore… that wasn't right. I remembered that his mom had passed away, too. I now knew what it meant. Kakashi didn't have a family anymore. Kakashi was all alone.

Sooo? What did you think? They are brats aren't they? Cute brats, but brats nontheless.