A/N: The title is from Chasing Shadows (the Corrs, Jupiter Calling)

A Yamazaki 18. He has given her the expensive drink that she told him this morning she wants…with him. She told him she still has feelings for him. That was the truth. Is the truth. She still loves Connor and she wants him to know that she's trying hard to make him realise that. She wants to let him know that she's still available, if they have a chance. And then this happens.

Ava is the most careful surgeon in the hospital. She tries not to make any mistake – although Connor taught her that it is okay to make one. She needs to be perfect in every diagnosis, every cut, every stitch. Then she sliced herself with a surgical knife, a knife he just used to cut the marked skin of an HIV positive patient, Bode, seconds ago. She ran out of the OR in horror, not even looking at him, and kind Ms Goodwin explained to her what she needed to do. Now she needs to take antiretroviral meds to lower the risk of her contracting the virus.

The bottle of whiskey is sitting on her counter, unopened. She looks at it and sighs. She cannot drink it that much since it probably will have an interaction with her meds. She knows taking ART will have side effects and Ms Goodwin confirmed that. She reads more when searched for it after she went to the infectious disease unit.

When Connor gave her the whiskey a while ago, she wanted to know his thoughts on what happened. She wanted to talk to him about it. He told Goodwin and her that Bode has low viral load and that her getting infected has a very low chance. It still scared her – asked Goodwin about her career. If she gets HIV, then she's a goner. Connor knows that.

She thinks of why she wanted to be a doctor in the first place: she saw people getting hurt at home, getting sick, dying. Suddenly the scenery changes to a small room. There is a girl there, around nine years old. A young man enters the room and asks her what she is doing. Playing doctor, she moves her mouth, a silent answer. Can I join you, he offers. She doesn't hesitate. It then changes again to a posh restaurant and Cornelius is there, staring at her.

Ava is jolted back to the present by her phone vibrating. It is just a reminder that she needs to take another dose. She needs to take the ART twice a day. What a joy! She goes to the fridge to get a bottle of water and takes the meds. As she puts down the water, she glimpses her thighs when her robe opens a little. Fresh marks are there and she is very lucky that Connor didn't glance down at her legs. She has just taken a shower, to wash the grit of the day, when he delivered the Yamazaki and the news that Bode is awake. The razor blade is still where she left it the night before and the night before that. It stays there now. It's comforting for her. Bleeding is one side effect of taking the ART and she thought there goes her chance to draw beautiful lines on her skin again. But fuck it! She's scared that she can have HIV so she cut lines again on her thighs when she went to shower.

Connor. He thought that it was his fault she got cut since he was the one holding the knife. It wasn't and she assured him of it. In reality, when he walked away after she told him what she feels, her mind suddenly flashed back to the restaurant. It distracted her when they got back to surgery hence grazes the knife. She needs Connor. She just doesn't want him. She needs him. Her nightmares are getting worse and when she zones out, thinking on what to put on her surgical notes, they manage to creep in her psyche. But when she is with Connor, there is none. Even now, when they team-up with a patient (since she is the CT attending), it doesn't happen. It's all about Connor, who he is to her.

Shit.

She takes the bottle of water back to the fridge, the Yamazaki forgotten. She thinks about what Connor thinks of her now he knows she still has feelings for him. She thinks that he may think she has become…needy. She goes to her room, doesn't even look in the mirror nor change into her pyjamas. She doesn't turn off the lights. She needs her lights now because somehow, the dark scares her. If she can only sleep with her eyes open, like her fish, she will.

Unbeknownst to Ava, she's starting to fall apart.