"Et tu, Brute?" a girl muttered entering a store.
She had short hair barely reaching her shoulders, with a flowery clip on the right side. Both her hair and eyes were the color of tea. She wore a checkered blue skirt and a white blouse under a sandy jacket. On the left side of the jacket, there was an emblem – a red shield with what looked like a T over a clover, both in gold.
This was the crest of Tokiwadai, a prestigious middle school. One of the best in the city, it only had espers from Level 3 and above. The school was even graced with two Level 5s, the most powerful espers. With only seven of those monsters out there, it was quite an achievement.
And this girl with tea-colored hair was one of them. Misaka Mikoto, strongest esper controlling electricity and the third strongest Level 5.
She came to this store for one specific reason befitting neither a high-class lady nor a monster capable of taking down armies on her own. Like a cheapskate, she would stand read manga magazines. Not that there was a lack of money but rather a lack of space.
But now her retreat was sullied. Overnight, it had transformed into some kind of a gingerbread house. Mikoto felt a little betrayed, even though the manga was still there. But now there was this new section beckoning people in with sweet aroma and bright colors.
At first, she resisted the temptation and focused on the black-and-white pages. But with each minute her eyes kept darting to that section more and more. And then she put the magazine away and ventured into the forbidden zone.
I'll just take a look, Mikoto told herself. Just as she would before checking – and buying – something Gekota-related.
There was a myriad of boxes, in different sizes and shapes. The hustling notes in the corner… "All flavors in one bite", "Made solely with esper powers". Honestly, she didn't know where to look.
Oh, what was she doing? It's not like she was going to give someone chocolate on Valentine's, courtesy, friend or… the other one. In fact, she was more likely to get chocolate herself, with Tokiwadai being the all-girls school. At least one was guaranteed.
Mikoto pictured her slightly clingy roommate with one of these and smiled wryly. Oh well, no harm done, she thought turning away. Then one box caught her eye. Blue and yellow, checkered pattern. "Happiness distilled", the note said.
Before she knew it a certain spiky-haired boy popped up in her mind. Her cheeks flushed and she shook her head vigorously, as if to throw the intruder out. But she only ended up thinking more of him. The frustration was building up. White bluish sparks flew from her bangs. The lights in the store started flashing.
Her power was getting out of control. Not good. If it continued, she might cause some actual damage. The principle would not be pleased, and then the dorm manager would come up with a punishment out of the inquisition rulebook. At this rate she might not even get to the damn Valentine's!
Red as a tomato, Mikoto ran – first outside and then down the street. Away from the store, from the chocolate and the weird thoughts it was giving her. The next thing she knew she was on the other side of the district. Sometimes her athletic ability surprised even her.
That treacherous store was nowhere in sight, and yet she didn't stop to catch her breath. Instead, she kept on walking, putting even more distance. All while feeling a little hot – and not just because of that mad sprint.
Escaping your own thoughts wasn't as easy.
"Argh, why, why did chocolate make me think of that idiot?! I am not giving him any! No, no way!" she mumbled fanning her face with a hand.
The burning feeling gave in to the cool February air and with that her mind could calm down too. Soon Mikoto was thinking back to what had happened at the store. What a disgrace. One of the seven strongest espers in the Academy City, Number 3 at that, – and to lose control so easily! Just because a certain stupid face sprang to mind…
She had always been a little… feisty, but to give off sparks like that… And so often. Whenever that idiot was around… she just couldn't help it.
But to think her mind would try and add him and Valentine's chocolate together… What would they equal to? No, no! She shook her head feeling the heat crawl back. This was one equation she was afraid to solve.
"He is just a placeholder. The only boy I know well enough to hang out with. It's training… for the future…" she muttered her usual mantra. But this time her voice lacked conviction.
"Just… a placeholder… right?" she asked herself and put a hand on her chest. That eager beat of her heart said it all.
Those cookies she had made after the Sisters' incident – why had she been so embarrassed she couldn't give them to him?
And why had she bought those rings in Hawaii? "Cupid Arrow" rings! For couples!
Why would she follow him across the world? To the ends of it, breaking through any and all obstacle?
Mikoto sighed, "Oh, whom am I kidding?"
Herself, it would seem…
That boy was important to her. Enough that she wanted to rush back into that store and buy that blue-and-yellow box.
But…
"I can't…" she muttered.
And it wasn't because she lacked courage…
Frustrated, Mikoto raffled her hair. She wished she could speak to someone but…
Family was a no. Mom would just end up teasing her. And the Sisters… whenever it came to that boy, they would get weird. Like a program infected with a virus.
Her roommate Shirai Kuroko… Mikoto wouldn't put it past her to teleport him to some deserted island. Or the moon. Even with that strange power of his, she would find a way.
Their friends? Uiharu-san couldn't be trusted, not after that advice of hers had almost sent Mikoto down a dark path. And Saten-san would be just like Mom… no, worse! With those inquisitive questions and knowing smiles… Mikoto would rather ask the dorm manager – and get her neck snapped, probably.
"Is there really no one else?" Mikoto wondered. "I just need… some… guidance…"
She trailed off. Before her was a peculiar building with a cross on top.
So, the city of science did have a church. It was in a desperate need of a fresh coat of paint but otherwise seemed alright. The small window was sparkly clean, too.
Well, she did ask for guidance… but she had never been to a church. Never prayed to God. Not even during that experiment. Her mind was filled with calculations and weirdly cute mascots leaving no room for religion. Then again, it wasn't just God people came to talk to at a church, was it? There were priests and nuns, too. Wise people with life experience.
Or so she heard, at least. After all, the only clergy she knew was that Silver Sister hovering around the boy. Not to mention her outfit looked more like some kind of cosplay…
"An esper walks into a church… Sounds like a start to a bad joke," Mikoto muttered and sighed heavily but then opened the door nonetheless.
The inside was also sparkling and there was this refreshing smell of detergents. As if a squad of maids from the Ryouran Academy swept through the place. An early spring cleaning? But where was everybody then? The church seemed to be deserted – and yet the silence was so welcoming, so serene. Mikoto almost felt guilty disturbing it.
Just then a noise rustled on her right. A wooden booth stood there. A confessional, was it? It had three doors and whispers were coming from the middle one set ajar.
Was someone praying? Maybe it'd better to leave them to it then… and go back to wallowing in doubts…
"Err, excuse me?" Mikoto called quietly. "I… I need help…"
There was a small commotion full of bumps and rustles. Then, after a moment of utter silence, a voice came.
"Walk into the confessional. Left or right, you choose," it said. It was so muffled Mikoto couldn't figure out if it was male or female.
With a small creak, the middle door closed. As if saying "time for business".
Finally, this was getting somewhere. But instead of anticipation Mikoto felt dread. She slipped into the left compartment and winced at the smell of dust. She ran her hand over the wooden seat but it was clean. With a shrug, she plumped down, then twisted about a little. Really, would it be a pain to put a cushion here?
A lattice window opened – but only for a few inches. Mikoto could have still taken a peek, probably. If her eyes weren't glued to her knees, that is.
"I'm terribly sorry, it seems this thing is stuck," the voice said and then quickly asked, "So, what is troubling you?"
Mikoto couldn't answer. How strange. Just a moment ago she had wanted to speak to someone and now her mind was drawing a blank. As if all those conflicting thoughts and feelings had scattered. But they hadn't really left. No, no. They were simply hiding. They didn't want to be dragged out to light. To be exposed.
They were afraid.
She was afraid.
Funny. She would jump into battle in a heartbeat, be it tanks, killer robots or a mummy that could topple over skyscrapers. But this wooden booth with a stranger lending an ear… Not even the "Great Demon" had made her want to run away so much.
"Is there something you wish to confess?" the person on the other side asked. They were probably growing impatient but their voice remained calm and soothing.
Confess… Yes, this was a confessional, after all.
Mikoto knitted her fingers and took a deep breath.
"I am… at a loss," she finally said.
Her voice was but a whisper, and yet the person replied right away, "The duty to guide the lost comes with the Сloth. Speak up, don't be afraid."
"You see… there is a part of me that wants… to do something. Something bold that makes me all light and cozy on the inside. But I can't… not until I get to that stage… I vowed…"
"So, your heart yearns for one thing while your mind holds you back with doubts and excuses. A tale as old as time."
"It's not an excuse! I… I just don't think it's the right time."
"And when will this right time come, exactly?"
A familiar back flashed before Mikoto's eyes. So close in the moments of peace, yet so far away on the battlefield.
"When… when no enemy can brush me off like an annoying fly," she said with a definitive nod. "When I stand on that stage… next to him…"
"Ohohoh. Him, huh?" the cleric mused in a strange tone. As if switching to a whole different personality. "And tomorrow is Valentine's… I see, I see."
"W-wait! It's not like that!"
"Oh, really? Then why deny it so strongly?"
"Because… because…"
Mikoto struggled to come up with a reason but it just wouldn't come to her. Maybe it was time to stop beating about the bush. How could she get guidance without properly explaining herself? After all, this person didn't know her, didn't even see her face. It was safe.
"Alright… Alright! There is… a… boy that I… might like… in a special way," she admitted practically forcing the words out.
"Yay, you said it! Good job!" the voice praised her gleefully. "Keep going. How did you meet? Was it love at first sight?"
"Hmph, more like an annoyance at first sight! That idiot butted in my business, playing a hero. Got me so riled up I ended up zapping everyone. But he somehow blocked my power… I suppose… that's how it started."
"Oho… go on, go on."
"Brushing me off like nothing – I just couldn't stand it. So, I kept picking fights with him. But funnily enough, we never fought seriously. I'd go all out and he'd just negate everything. Eventually, it turned into some kind of game. Chasing that idiot for hours, getting all worked up and frustrated but still looking forward to the next time… I'd collapse in my bed utterly exhausted – and content."
A small, warm smile lit up Mikoto's face. Those had been the days. No dark side, no gods, demons or magic. Just some delinquents in the back alley and the boy crying about misfortune.
"Then I found out… that I've created some bad situation. And I backed myself into a corner trying to stop it. On my own, without telling anyone, not even my closest friends. I kept bulldozering onward not seeing the cliff up ahead. And when I did see it, I didn't stop. Because I stubbornly thought that if I fall off it would solve all the problems."
This story had been locked away in her heart since the incident. Not even Kuroko knew it. But now the words were gashing out as she confided in a complete stranger. Because there was just no other way to explain what connected her to that boy.
"But then, in his usual manner, that idiot appeared in my way. Somehow he pieced everything together and my plan didn't sit right with him… He just wouldn't let me fall… Even though I tried getting through him… And again, he wouldn't fight me. Wouldn't even negate my attacks. Whatever I threw at him he took it head on. Shock after shock after shock… Until he wouldn't get up anymore… Until it seemed like I crossed the line… I watched him lie there motionless and thought that was it, there was no return for me anymore. And then his fingers twitched and he tried to stand up again. And I broke… I couldn't take him down with me… just… couldn't…"
Mikoto fell silent and after the pause got too long the cleric said, "That's… quite a story."
"And it's not even the end of it. Because that guy wouldn't stop there. Of course, he got himself involved – fully. Even though it had nothing to do with him, even though I already had a solution that wouldn't put him to harm… he still charged right in…"
Memories flashed before her eyes – a battered body lying on the ground in blood, a scream tearing her throat…
"Of course, he won… But the price…"
Shirt dyed crimson, cold hand, pulse so weak her own heart almost stopped because she couldn't feel it at first…
"You watched him fight and get hurt pushing himself over and over again. All for your sake," the cleric said and their simple, blunt words slashed her like a razor.
"He put himself in harm's way because I was weak. Titles and levels didn't matter in that fight. I couldn't do anything and I hated it… If he actually died… Seeing him in the hospital was bad enough…"
The brace around his neck, bandages glaring at her from under the robe… Even now the guilt squeezed her heart.
"He helps you, yet your heart still goes through a grinder… Quite a troublesome boy, isn't he?"
Mikoto chuckled bitterly, "I know, right? Seriously, does he think he is some hero from a manga? Well, he is not. He doesn't have a demon fox in him, his wounds don't heal. But that doesn't stop him. He'd still get in over his head and end up in the hospital. It's like his second home. And then he would run away from it, if he knows there is still someone needing his help… Bandaged up like a mummy, with electrodes stuck to him… He is just so… so…"
"Selfless?"
"Selfishly selfless, I would say. Even when being chased by a crazy strong monster, he would stop and butt in a random mugging. Not turning a blind eye to the troubles of others, sacrificing himself for complete strangers… Seriously, he is… such an idiot…"
Despite the harsh words, Mikoto was smiling ear to ear. But then her face darkened.
"And so, I vowed – never again would he have to end up like that. At least, not for my sake. Never again would I be the protected heroine. And if, just if I ever stand behind his back again, it would be as his comrade, his partner. Back to back… Yes, above all, I wanted to fight alongside him, I wanted him to rely on me. Even… somewhere deep down I might have even wished for him to stumble and cower in fear, so that I could be his strength. Once… just once would have been enough."
The words kept pouring out of her mouth leaving a foul aftertaste. Was the person on the other side judging her? Condemning? Or, perhaps, pitying? She paid that little thought. Once starting something, she would go all out, no stops.
"But he never did. He didn't let me take him back to the hospital when he escaped or take him away from that flying city. And as I watched that cursed chunk of rock fall into the ocean, I finally understood. There is just no helping that idiot. He would throw himself deeper into danger rather than run or hide. Because he is so damn sure he can still do more."
"Leaving you behind to wallow in uncertainty… It was hard, wasn't it? Not to know his fate. You kept telling yourself he was taking his sweet time getting back but that hope just wouldn't warm your heart. Nor would it put a smile on your face. Instead, you restlessly wandered about thinking, asking yourself – was it, perhaps, you who could have done more? And then maybe he would've been here already. Doing his usual things, teasing and annoying you but also making you feel so cozy inside you'd get dizzy."
Mikoto's eyes opened wide. Those words ran too close to home. "How did you..?" she didn't finish, as the cleric moved the conversation on.
"So, what happened next? What did you do when he returned?"
"Well…" Mikoto fidgeted in her seat. "Nothing, actually… I mean… If it was a drama, we would've had a touching reunion. But he just appeared out of the blue with the same stupid face! I lost my temper and we had our usual skit… But then he headed off to another battle… and seeing him leave didn't sit right with me. And so, I grabbed his hand and said he wouldn't be alone!"
Looking back at it, she smiled smugly. The shock in his eyes was quite something. Did he really think the girl who had watched him crush into the ocean would stay in the sidelines forever? Honestly… such an idiot.
"Not that or any other time. Not when I am around. Two could play the game of getting themselves involved. I'd follow him – and see the side of the world I didn't even knew existed. The bizarre side where Level 5 matters so microscopically little. Every encounter was like a blow to my ego, a mockery of all my efforts. And yet he fights these monsters and wins."
"Battered, ragged and bloody, surviving by the skin of his teeth…"
"But surviving nonetheless. And winning. If I want to keep fighting at his side, if I am… not to be a bother… I have to catch up. I have to stand on that stage next to him."
"Oho, sounds like you two are already pretty close. Helping each other out, fighting together for the greater good. Honestly, you should confess already, Mi… bhegh!"
The cleric coughed as if chocking on air. But Mikoto was too focused on one specific word to notice.
"C-conf-fesss?! No way, no way! I can't… I vowed. Only when we are equal can I say… those words. Besides," her shoulders dropped, "we are not actually close. He is just some idiot that keeps bumping into troubles and I… I am just some girl that keeps bumping into him. I bet he would scroll past my name on his phone without a second thought."
"Dear me, what's with this dark energy oozing through the lattice? Should I pour some holy water on you? And here I thought you weren't the kind of person that would let something so silly bring her down. Then again, humans tend to get depressed over things they themselves imagined."
"I..! I… didn't…"
"If you really believe that boy cares so little for someone who is always there for him, then why do you admire him so much?"
"But… but I…"
"And if you are afraid your connection is so fragile, why are you keeping your distance? Why are you letting the opportunities pass by? You do realize that if it continues like this you two would just drift apart, right? Long, long before this right time comes. Do you want that?"
"No… But giving him that kind of chocolate… saying the words burning in my heart… I can't. Not until we are equal. Not until I can stop whatever monster comes for him next before he puts himself in the hospital fighting it again."
The cleric sighed, "You are one stubborn girl."
Mikoto smirked somewhat proudly. After all, that same stubbornness got her to Level 5. But that shine was short-lived, as gloom clouded her face. Perhaps, coming here was useless…
And then the voice said, "But if I remember correctly, there are different kinds of chocolate you can give on Valentine's. Courtesy chocolate, friend chocolate… You don't need to break your vow to make a memory with him."
That was true. She wanted to give that boy chocolate and she would, but only as a friend. A small difference, really, a white lie that would not bother anyone. The status quo would remain unchanged. A win-win situation. However, her heart squeezed at the idea.
Could she actually deceive him like that? Because no matter what she tells him the feelings behind the chocolate wouldn't be those of a friend. And what if the lie becomes reality? What if he thinks she can only see him as a friend? Then it would be all over…
"Right now you are trying to calculate the results, aren't you? Oh, you espers," the cleric chuckled. "Life is not an equation. In your head, perhaps, adding that boy and friend chocolate together equals defeat. But no math can calculate a person's heart. You never know, he just might get smitten by your chocolate."
"Or he might not think much of it…" Mikoto mumbled.
"Or that," the voice readily agreed.
"And there is no way to know for sure…"
"No, there is not."
Mikoto grabbed handfuls of her skirt, "Gambling with this…"
"But don't we gamble with pretty much everything? We pour our hopes and efforts into something, be it studies, sports or business. But it doesn't always work out. We might get into an accident and miss our chance. Or somebody quicker might nab that chance right from under us."
The voice paused for a moment and then lunged right into her, "Are you, perhaps, afraid of messing up and regretting it later? Well, that's something you can't escape. Everyone has regrets. The question is – what kind of regret would you be ok with? The one where you tried and failed? Or the one where you were too afraid to try because of all the maybes and what ifs?"
In other words, damned if you do, damned if you don't. She didn't like either option. This particular matter was something she absolutely didn't want to mess up. The ideal solution would be to pretend she hadn't pulled her head out of the sands of self-delusion. To keep telling herself that boy was just some idiot she knew.
But perhaps it was time to stop running in circles… Before nausea gets her…
Mikoto jumped on her feet, like a soldier ready for battle. She bowed slightly to the person in the adjacent compartment, whoever they were.
"Thank you for your guidance."
With that she left. No, she stormed out giving little regard to the holy place. But that was not out of disrespect. The fire in her chest simply cut off the calm, rational mind that had been holding her down. For once, she wasn't fretting over possibilities. No, she was simply thinking of chocolate – and the boy's smile.
Speaking of chocolate…
Still running down the street, she took out her phone. The strap with a cute little frog mascot was tapping on her hand as she made a call. As if giving her an encouraging pat.
"Saten-san, can I use your kitchen?"
The door of the middle compartment opened and a head peeked out. It was a girl of Mikoto's age wearing a face mask. A bonnet kept her short blue-black hair swayed back.
"The coast is clear," she said and stepped out of the confessional revealing her maid outfit.
After pulling down the mask, Tsuchimikado Maika mused excited, "You know, when I said I was interested in how confessions went, I didn't expect to actually hear one. From Misaka-san no less!"
Another girl followed suit, but unlike the majority in Academy City, she was of European descent, with emerald eyes and silver hair going past to her waist. She wore a white habit and head cover adorned with golden lines. The patterns belonged more on a fancy teacup and the whole attire was held together by safety pins. If anything, it looked like some fancy cosplay. And yet Index was a genuine nun.
Like Maika, she wore a mask making it hard to figure out her expression.
"Say, the boy she was talking about… didn't he sound an awful lot like Kamijou-san?" Maika asked.
"Mmm," Index mumbled looking into the opened doors of the church absentmindedly.
"Oho, what a turn! Does Shirai know? Or maybe I should drop some hints to Kamijo…"
Before she could finish, Index pressed a finger to her lips.
"Maika, you might not wear the Cloth but you still listened to a confession. And what is said in the confessions stays between those who speak and those who listen. As for Touma and Short Hair… Some things should be left to the man and the woman. We gave Short Hair a push, the rest is up to her."