Warning: Slut shaming and whatever the opposite of that is. Its banter between two friends, but warning in case someone wants to be aware. Mention of sex toys. Lots of swear words. Once again, slight ignorance regarding 'gayness'. *I dont have a beta. All mistakes are mine.*

Chapter Two: You'll see H.E.A.V.E.N

"What the hell took you so long!" Kurt was officially pissed off. After waiting twenty minutes for her and completely misreading that entire situation with extremely-hot-extremely-straight guy, the last thing Kurt wanted to deal with was Santana. This night was going from bad to worse at this point so when she didn't respond, he screamed out his frustration.

"Jeez Louise. Calm down, Lady Hummel. I'm here now, aren't I?" She responded, completely unfazed by his attitude which only provoked him even more.

"Fuck sake 'Tana, could you for once call me by my actual name!"

She stopped fixing her dress then and walked as close to her best friend as she physically could. She wrapped her arms around his neck, "Kurt, I'm sorry okay -" she started.

Kurt looked at her, the annoyance on his face seemed to have been replaced by sheer shock because she just apologized, and she's The Mother of all things Evil: The mother of all things Evil, does not apologize.

She pulled him closer to her, making sure her lips were pressed right at the edge of his ear. "- but I just had the best fuck of my life." He tried to pull away, but she wasn't done. "Do you have any idea what that feels like?" she teased.

"Get off me, whore-bag," Santana released her grip around his neck, smirking at his classic, 'I fucking hate you, you satanic bitch' bitch face.

"I really fucking hate you sometimes, Satan." Santana cackled with laughter. She knew him so well and they both knew it. She thought it was hilarious, He did not. Especially right now.

"Fuck sake Kurtie, could you for once call me by my actual name!" she mimicked, smugly.

"I just did. Satan." he countered holding on strong to his expression.

Santana grins from ear to ear and starts fixing her dress again. And fixing in Santana's eyes meant bringing the bottom of the dress up and pulling the top of the dress down. "How do I look?" she asked rhetorically. She knew she looked great and didn't need anyone to tell her so. She was wearing a body-con, off the shoulder dress. It was a rich-red color with block, black, horizontal stripes running only through the middle. Underneath, she seemed to be wearing a black laced bralette that was showing just enough cleavage to blind a man, or in her case, several women, without giving too much away.

"Slutty" he chirped, not wanting to give her a compliment. But by the way her face lit up, he did in fact, just give her one. He rolled his eyes at her annoying smug face.

"Perfect" she beamed. "Okay, now you." She gestured for him to do a twirl. When he stubbornly remained standing in the same spot, she walked around him to examine his outfit. Both rolling their eyes at each other.

She pulled at the black top, hanging off his shoulder, underneath the vest he was wearing.

"What top is that?" she asked.

"My 'none of your business, Santana' top." he wasn't letting her of the hook that easily.

"Oh God, does momma have to do everything?" she attempts to unbutton the vest, but Kurt slaps her hand away to do it himself.

Once all the buttons were released, she looks at the black t-shirt recognizing exactly which one it was, after all, she had an almost identical one back at home. The one Kurt was wearing though was roughly two sizes larger than his frame and he had clearly tailored it so that one side hung of the shoulder while the waist was cinched, to show off more of his body.

"Subtle Kurt, very subtle." she says shaking her head.

He shrugs, "In case people didn't know."

She quirked her eyebrows at that. "Well, if people knew, then the top would be obsolete, no?" she tilts her head, watching as Kurt's face shifts from confusion to immediate realisation. "Besides," she continues, "Anyone that looks at you knows. Even Stevie Wonder knows. The top was not needed."

"I know this request is extremely hard for you, but could you be less of a bitch for say I dunno, five minutes?" He huffs out, exasperatedly.

"I'll stop being a bitch when you stop being a virgin." she counters, unwilling to let him win this battle.

"I'm not a –" he looks around quickly before whispering, "virgin."

She can't help but roll her eyes again. She's certain that at this rate, if she continues, her eyes will definitely fall out. But sometimes Kurt was just, ridiculous.

"When I say 'virgin', I mean prude, uptight, sexually inexperienced," he starts to protest but she quickly continues, "I know how much you love things up the fanny Kurt, trust me I've heard it all. Whether it's because you're too loud or because you're not loud enough, and I have to press a glass to the wall." He looks at her then, appalled but not really surprised. This is Santana here. "My point is, that thing living rent-free up your ass is a stick and not a –"

"SANTANA!" he screeches not wanting to hear the end of that sentence.

"All I'm saying is that stick is not appealing. To any-one." she draws out the last word. "No wonder it's been months since you got laid. You're so use to the stick-" she pauses, waiting to catch his eye and winking before resuming, "-that you've forgotten what the real thing feels like. You need to loosen up that's all I'm saying," she grabs his arm and turns them around, so that they are walking back down the alley to the club, ignoring his clear objections. "And that's why we're here."

"Meaning?"

"Why else would we be here? It's not for me. Do I need to remind you of why I was late?"

"Please don't," he pauses for a moment to look at her, everything she just mentioned clicking into place. "We're here for me to get laid?!"

Her only response was crossing her fingers and smiling, exaggeratedly. He was out of fuel to argue with her by now, so he just let it go. Just because that was her goal, it didn't mean he had to achieve it.

He couldn't help but think of the too-hot-for-his-own-good-straight guy and he found himself looking around to see if he were still nearby. Even if he had a girlfriend, there was no harm looking. As he was scanning the scene, Kurt remembered something else.

"Ermm, Santana. When you said this was a gay club, did you mean my gay or your gay?" There were far more women than men, and if she expected him to get laid, there had to be at least some gay men around for that.

"What's the difference?"

"About 8 inches," he snickered.

Santana really laughed then, loud and obnoxiously. "Yeah, like you'd know anything bigger than a three and a quarter inch. The guys you've been with? Not impressive." She started examining her nails and repeating '8 inches' under her breath, while looking back at him and shaking her head. She was still wearing that annoying smug look and he wanted to slap it right off her face.

With words, of course.

"Lesbians are not the only ones with sex toys. Thank you very much." He finally said, causing her to stop in her tracks. He lifted his head up in satisfaction and continued walking. Sometimes he could be crude too when the occasion called for it. Like wiping smugness off of one-smug-faces face.

Her eyes followed him, astonishment evident in them before pride and amazement took over. "Wankerdy, wank wank Kurt." she said, jogging to join him in the queue.

"Who knew you had it in you?," she felt her eyes widen at that, eyes glued to Kurt's face. She was expecting something catty to come out of his mouth.

They both just stared at each other with emotionless expressions, until Kurt burst out laughing at the accidental, double entendre. The couple in front of them joined in. They seemed to have caught half the conversation and was holding in their amusement, unsure whether it was appropriate to laugh or not. Kurt felt his cheeks heat up.

Once they all settled down, and Kurt and Santana were steady getting closer to the front of the line, Kurt started talking again. "Oh, and by the way, your directions were shit."

"'Walk down the alley, and you'll see a big blue door!' what part of that didn't you understand?"

"The part where there's about 10 different alleyways on this street alone." he looks at her as if she were stupid.

"Okay, but only one with huge blue doors with heaven above it." She mirrored the exact same look aimed at her.

"What are you talking about?" he asks, incredulously. She purposely ignores him.

He tries to get an answer out of her, but she remains silent.

"Look up," she says a few minutes later once they are right in front of the opened blue doors.

"What?!" He didn't appreciate being ignored and he was starting to get irritated with her again.

She just smiled, that smug look creeping back in, pointing above the door.

Kurt slowly looked up; eyes fixated on the word.

"H.E.A.V.E.N."