The rain clouds had started to part, the sun shone its light down on the world and made everything shimmer and shine as Subaru and Patrasche ran down the lush green mountain. "Faster, Patrasche! We don't know how much time we have left!" Subaru's hands whipped the reins as the green swayed with the wind.
Teeth gritting, eyebrows furrowed with a worried look on his face, Subaru began to bite his thumbnail. 'It doesn't make sense; I don't think Satella would do this. Isn't her primary goal to keep me alive? Then these strange events don't make sense, why would she want to kill me over and over again? She should know that I would definitely be killed or kill myself if I lose someone, then why would she…? Think, think, think, there has to be a reason. Why would she… why would Satella… what's the reason…' because of Patrasche's wind evasion blessing, he couldn't feel the wind against his skin, nor could he understand why Satella would do something horrible to him. Didn't she love him? Then why? 'Wait.' Subaru looked up, suspending his wet hand mid-air. His eyes widened in response to the epiphany he had had. 'What if it's not Satella? What if it's someone else? Satella would never do something like that to me, she's willing to let me restart but at the same time, she doesn't want me to die. But what if someone did? What if someone wanted me to die?'
The sun was getting higher and higher in the sky, it was going to be noon soon. Lugnica was still days away and Subaru had absolutely zero food. There was no way he would survive over ten days without food. His main goal, right now, had to be looking for food or at least water. He had 30 holy coins in his pocket but they wouldn't be of no use unless he came across a merchant.
'But then again, I don't have many enemies. Who would even have the heart to consider me, a useless waste of space, as an enemy? If they know about 『Return by Death』 then they would be long dead, but since the corpses keep popping up, I don't think they do. But then who?' Who would be willing to kill him? What would their motive be? If they know about 『Return by Death』 then whatever motive they have will be utterly useless because they know they can't truly kill him. But what if they had something else in mind? Thinking back, Subaru remembered what Roswaal had told him after the sanctuary had been liberated, 'Hey, that can't be, right? There's no way the —' his sentence was abruptly cut short by Patrasche's roar as she skidded to a stop.
"Eugh! What happened, Patrasche? Why did you sto —" As if in response to his question, a raspy voice called out to him, seemingly without someone belonging to it.
"What fun. To think you would fall for my trap. Truly foolish, you are. Truly foolish. You have done this so many times… so many, many, times." Subaru could feel Patrasche shivering and he immediately knew whoever this was, they were strong. Strong enough to kill him. But… What was the trap they were talking about? 'have done this so many times?' What? What are they referring to? What has he done 'so many times?' Subaru looked around. He had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed the fact that they were on the trade route, he couldn't see Flugels stump yet and the land was desolate for miles on end.
"Who was that…?" A raspy voice that seemed to come from all directions, a voice so gut-wrenching, Subaru couldn't help but feel his heart pounding against his chest, cold beads of sweat that glistened under the hot sun rolled down his forehead as he gulped, wetting his dry throat. "Really, who was that?' That guttural voice, the warm yet overflowing blandness, colourless yet colourful… Why was it so strange? He couldn't wrap his head around it. But he didn't have the time to worry about it either, the sun was directly overhead and since he gave his portion of food to Beatrice yesterday, his stomach was growling like a feral beast.
"Ah, I hope they are not worrying about me. I didn't mean to leave in such haste, I just couldn't bring myself to look at them after what I did…" remembering the feeling of cracking and crunching under his feet, Subaru shuddered, hoping that he didn't have to do that ever again. Hoping that he didn't have to hear the disgusting crush of bones under his feet ever again.
"Anyway, Patrasche," Subaru turned to look at his dragon who eyed Subaru with her orange eyes, now devoid of fear. "Do you smell any kind of food? Water maybe?"
In response to his question, Patrasche raised her snout and closed her eyes, trying to find something. She took in a few whiffs before turning to Subaru and then again towards the west.
"There?" Subaru held up his hand, pointing to an empty patch of land towards the west, strewn with nothing but yellow soil. The grassy area adjacent to this part of the land provided quite the contrast. "I don't see anything there tho — Gah?!" A confused gasp escaped his mouth as Patrasche suddenly moved, the inertia pushing him backwards as he tried his best to not fall off whilst grabbing Patrasche's reins for support.
"Sl – slow down!" He tensed his upper body, using its strength to pull himself back up. His hair was being swept back and his lips flapped around, exposing his gums and teeth, "Patrasche, what's gotten you so excited?! Seriously, slow down!"
"Guoah!" Patrasche motioned towards the now not-so empty patch with her head as she let out a shrill shriek.
Subaru's eyes followed hers and he immediately noticed — "Carriages! Merchants! You did great, Patrasche! Good job!" — brown carriages that were parked together in a circle, a camp set up in the middle of these and Subaru counted at least three people.
"OII," waving his hands like a maniac, Subaru and Patrasche quickly made their way towards them.
A man in green clothes and a thin frame turned to the sharp-eyed youth, the golden lining on his clothes glittering under the hot sun, "Oh, who might you be, young man?" He had a rather deep voice, but the kind look in his eyes reminded Subaru of Otto. In fact, both had ashen gray hair and kind eyes. But this man had a tough look to him, and he held his head up high, thus enhancing his toughness factor.
"I, uh, I'm Subaru. Natsuki Subaru. I wanted to ask if you've food. I've about 30 holy coins." Subaru dug into the pouch on his belt and pulled out 5 gold coins.
"Oh, Natsuki Subaru… I think I've heard that name somewhere… mmmmm, I can't remember, haha. Anyway, you said you wanted food, right? You couldn't have come at a better time, we were just about to eat."
"How much will it cost me?"
"Hm, since we have a lot of food, I don't think you need to pay."
"No, no, I insist. It'd be wrong of me to not pay for food."
"No really, it's okay."
"No, I insist on paying!"
"But I just said it's okay!"
"I will pay!" Screaming, Subaru thrust his coin-filled hand forward, punching the merchant in the face.
"Ow…" the merchant immediately began to rub his nose as droplets of blood flowed down. "You've got quite the punch there, Natsuki Subaru."
"Ahhh! I'm so sorry! I really am!" Subaru bowed as he apologized.
"Oh, it's okay. But truth be told, that part of you reminds me of my little brother." The merchant smiled as the corners of his mouth scrunched. 'A rather distant smile.' Subaru thought. It gave him the feeling that this merchant and his little brother hadn't met in a while.
"Ah, I see… you actually remind me of my friend too —"
Growl
Subaru looked down at his stomach. Embarrassed by the sudden growling sound, Subaru's face reddened. "I — I'm sorry."
"Haha, we should save our talk for later. You look like you haven't eaten anything in days. Please, go ahead and enjoy."
The stone arches were one of the most beautiful things Subaru had ever seen. They had beautiful designs engraved into them and the keystone was carved into a dragon head with golden eyes.
Although they seemed a bit old, they didn't seem like they would give away anytime soon.
But Subaru didn't stop to admire these intricate designs, instead he looked ahead at what was awaiting him.
『Death』
After parting ways with the merchant — Oslo, as he called himself — Subaru had travelled towards Lugnica. Of course, there were some major issues on the way, Subaru didn't really pay them much heed since they were in the middle of nowhere.
"But either way," Subaru turned his head to look at the canal and at the Whitestone bridge. "I should get going."
He should've known! He should've known that he was living in a cruel, cruel world. He should've known… but this was too much. He had killed them, all of them, there was no saving them. He should've known immediately! He should've known when Patrasche's legs passed over from the soil onto the stone bricks, he should've known that 『Death』was inevitable, even for him — Subaru's tired gaze shifted to the red-haired man who was lying on the gray brick stone road, crimson liquid dripping from his mouth.
"Not even Reinhard can escape…" who was this that was creating these things? Who was summoning his dead bodies to this world? Who?Who?Who?! "Fuck this! I need to know! I need to know who did this, but…" he looked at the absolute carnage, bodies of four, including that of the Sword Saint's, adorned the otherwise plain floor. The amount of red that leaked out from their mouths was enough to form a small pool of blood. Their eyes closed, never to open again.
All this because of him. He was the one that killed them. He had to die for this, he needed to redeem himself, he needed to repent, he needed to be ashamed of himself because of how weak he was. He needed to die, die, die!
He grabbed one of the many fire crystals he had carried with him. Jaws clenched, eyes filled with nothing but tears that overflowed with regrets of not being able to save anyone, Subaru looked at the corpse that had caused all this. Ah, Subaru remembered that loop, he remembered it all too well. It was in this loop that he had realised he could 『Return by Death』. It was in this loop that he realised that his pride and ego would get him nowhere. But he… he was not to be forgiven for the things he had caused.
"Please… I don't want to —"
He was going crazy, but yet, he was somehow still fighting. He was still trying to save everyone. In the end, Subaru was still Subaru. No matter how insane he was, no matter how many times he lost himself, Subaru will remain the same. Undying yet dying, a weakling yet a hero, un-knightley yet a knight. 'Get yourself up, do your best, save everyone.' will always be his hymn. He cannot truly die. He may never truly die, but if it's for others… Subaru was okay with that.
"If that's what it takes to clean all this up, I'm willing to do it. I just want to make sure they live."
Saying the words that have always gotten him through everything, Natsuki Subaru swung the crystals towards the body. The crimson flames that reached the sky were nothing short of beautiful, the red tongues that licked the yellow buildings adjacent to the alley were being painted black from the heat. The bodies that were sprawled on the floor were burning, except for Reinhard. The flames didn't touch the young man. It was almost as if… he was protected by something invisible. It reminded Subaru of that Greed bastard, Regulus or something.
"But either way…" his eyes shifted to the flames, its visage reflecting in his eyes. "... Burning would be a slow death, so…" his gaze shifted to look at the burning bodies of the thugs. A knife — gleaming — besides one of the men made Subaru's eyes narrow in on it. "I —" he bent down, grabbing the knife. His teary, red eyes reflected in it. Whoever was making him do this was one of the most repulsive beings ever. He was trying his best to save them, wasn't he? He had suffered enough, hasn't he? He has cried enough, right? He has shed enough blood, hasn't he? Then why? 'Either way… I shouldn't waste my time.' Hands shaking, Natsuki Subaru raised his arm, holding the knife to his throat.
"— I don't want anyone to die." Blood flew, splattering itself on the walls and the floor as Subaru thrust the knife into his throat. Unlike the last time Subaru did this, he felt the sharp tip rip through his rings of cartilage and his oesophagus before coming to a stop after severing his spinal cord. Subaru's knees buckled, making him fall to the floor. As he lay there, his eyes wide open because he couldn't feel his eyelids anymore, he thought to himself, 'my thrust has gotten quite strong, strong enough to shatter my back —'
That's when the youth they used to call Natsuki Subaru lost his life.
As he opened his eyes again, he was subjected to the harsh afternoon sun. It bore into his eyes, making his retinas burn.
"Aaaaa! That fucking burns!" He closed his eyes, putting his hand over them whilst lowering his head.
"Natsuki Subaru?" The ashen grey-haired merchant tilted his head to the side, looking at him quizzically.
"Oslo-san… wait. I was sent back here?! This is not good, not good. I need to —" Shit, shit, shit, he didn't think he was going to be sent back to this point. This was not good, he was days away from Lugnica. He needed to go… now.
His eyes surveyed his surroundings, trying to find his black ground dragon. As soon as he found her behind him, he ran to her and jumped on her back. "I'm sorry Oslo-san. Thank you for willing to offer me food, but I need to go. A lot of lives are at stake." Saying this Subaru whipped the reins before steering Patrasche to the left.
"AHHH, FUCK! FUUUUUCK!!" Why was he sent back here?! Why the fuck was he sent back here?! He had to see it again. Why?! He didn't want to! That thing reminded him of how weak he was. How useless he was! Why in the nine circles of hell did he have to go back there?! Why?!
He didn't want this in the slightest. This was not at all what he wanted. Hell, he would rather wait for death than go and burn that again. 'Wait,' Subaru looked up at the moving sky, 'maybe I can skip it. I mean, it's so far away that I highly doubt anyone would notice it. Yeah, I can skip it… right?' Was that a question or a statement? Did he want to burn it or not? What if someone did stumble across it? Doesn't that mean they would die? What if that person had a family? What if they came in search of them? That'd just lead to a mass murder. He'd be a murderer.
But he didn't want to go there. It reminded him of how pathetic and weak he was. It reminded him that even if he held a power that could reset this world, not everything will go back to a time where she was still alive. It reminded him of her, not that it was a bad thing but… '—~hk.' The pain of thinking about her was always present in Subaru. But he liked this pain, it reminded him that he still had a lot to do. "But…" he looked up. The sun was going farther towards the west, it was going to night soon, he needed to find a place to sleep. '... No buts, you've to stop thinking like that, you've to save them. After all…' Subaru ordered Patrasche to stop near a grassy patch. "... I'm the only one who can." Continuing his thoughts, Subaru hopped off Patrasche and patted her head whilst thanking her for her hard work.
"Looks like I'll have to sleep here." Subaru pulled the zipper on his jersey and pulled it off his body. He then proceeded to throw the jersey on the floor before spreading it out.
That night, Subaru dreamed of a time where he was still happy, he dreamed of his parents, he dreamed of Emilia, Beatrice, Rem, everyone, laughing and having a happy time. Ah, if only… if only that was what his life in another world had been.
Subaru repeated this routine for three days. He would wake up early and would ride down the trade route. In the afternoon, he would pluck some weeds and eat them. If he was lucky, he would find some kind of fruit that he would save for later. Although water was scarce, Subaru made up for it with the fruits.
"Why did I just run? I should've taken the food Oslo-san and the others would've offered me." Regretting now wouldn't do him any good though, he was far, far away from the merchants and seeing that he had passed Flugels stump, he was probably hours away from that.
"Alright, all I have to do is swing the fire crystal at it and run away. That's not so hard, right? Yeah, that's not hard at all. I just don't have to look at it. Just throw the crystal and run…" He pulled on Patrasche's reins as she came to a halt next to an abnormally grassy patch that had a lot of green as compared to the surrounding land.
But Subaru still couldn't wrap his finger around it, hadn't he died in the kingdom? Then why was his body in the middle of nowhere? In the previous loop, he had found out about it thanks to Patrasche's nose and due to it being 'fresh', but still, was it some kind of mistake? Or was it intentional? "Ahhh, it's too much work, I don't need to know why it's here, I just need to burn it."
Saying these words, Subaru got down from Patrasche's back, "stay here, I'll be back soon."
He walked on the grass, crushing it with his feet. A few metres in, Subaru saw it, lying there, with its back facing him… "Alright, just… close your eyes, walk… 1, 2, 3 steps and swing. Then just turn and run away. Don't look at it or let your curiosity get the best of you, got it." Talking to himself, Subaru did what he told himself to do. He closed his eyes, took three steps forward and swung the crystal. A huge 'fwom' erupted as he felt heat singeing the hair on his arms as he protected himself from them. 'Now just turn away… no matter what, don't look at it. It won't do anything other than bring you pain.'
'Do as you're told, do as you're told, do as you're told, it's for your own good. If you don't want to go insane before you go back to the mansion, just do as you're told.' And of course, Subaru did what he was told. Because he knew if he looked back now, he would be wracked with a guilt so overwhelming that he might just go insane. He knew that and he didn't want that, at least not when he still had a lot to do. So, to him, walking back to his dragon was easier than walking towards his corpse.
"Patrasche…" he called out to her in a low voice. Rather than sounding angry, Subaru sounded… scared. It was almost as if burning that single corpse brought back memories of numerous deaths that have traumatised him, haunted him, plagued him, tormented him to this day.
"Geez, doing this is hazardous to my health. I need to be more careful, don't want to go —"
"Guoah," feeling melancholy within her master, Patrasche nuzzled his neck, hoping that it'd calm him down.
"Ah —" shocked by the sudden affection, Subaru didn't know what to say, he was quite lost. Hell, he was very much lost. He didn't know what was happening, he didn't know who was doing this, he didn't know why this was happening, he didn't understand anything. Would he be able to finish cleaning them? Would he be able to see Emilia or Beatrice ever again? Why was this happening to him? He has suffered so much already. Why did he have to suffer more? "Hey… why?" A single tear that slid down his cheek was enough to convey what he was feeling, he was lost, he was frustrated, he was going crazy, insane even. Maybe he should let go, he was too tired of this. Maybe he should just give up, he didn't want to relive those memories again. Maybe he should —
"Get yourself together, Natsuki Subaru!" He was the only one who could offer encouraging words to himself right now. He was the only one now… he was alone except for Patrasche. He didn't have anyone to talk to, alone forever…
Subaru shook his head violently almost as if he was trying to get rid of those thoughts, but there was no way he would get rid of them in that way, all he could do was push them back.
He then proceeded to bring his hand up to his face. Wiping aways his tears, he smiled at Patrasche while patting her head, "thank you for being here, Patrasche." He needed to be more thankful for having her by his side. She'd done so much for him after all.
"Alright, I'm done here. Now it's time to head to Lugnica — wait, I've been riding for three days, so that means…" if his math and his previous loops memories were correct, then that'd mean he'd reach Lugnica in exactly three days, giving him two more days before he had to start the cleaning. "Maybe we should slow down, we don't have to be there as soon as we can. But then again, what if the person behind this decided to just materialise the corpse earlier? The situation he was in now, had a lot of unpredictable factors. All he could do was wait and watch. But no matter what, he shouldn't abuse 『Return by Death』.
"Ahhhh! Why is this so confusing?! I just want to go back to the mansion and sleep on Emilia's lap and hold Beako's hands. Why do I have to be subjected to this? Why did I just accept this was happening and I had to save people? Why does that even matter? Why do I have to be the one to save them? Can't someone else do this? Why?Why?Why?" This was idiosyncratic of him. Was he even him at this point? All he wanted to do now was go back.
"I mean, it's not wrong to think like that… is it?" Questions. More questions with no answers. That's all that was there to him now. Why was he like this? Why did he have this power? Why wasn't he strong? If he had been strong, he could've saved them without dying even once.
"ENOUGH! Just… enough… leave me alone. This is my fate, I need to do this. I'm the one who caused this after all." Grabbing Patrasche's reins, Subaru hopped onto her back. "I need to save them, I need to save them because I can. I have the power to do so. So shut up and leave me alone. It's not that difficult either, I just have to burn them. I'm doing nothing other than burning myself."
There it was. That feeling of 『Death』. "So it has spawned…" it had been quite some time since they entered Lugnica. Maybe an hour or so. And unlike the last time, the feeling of death was stronger. It was newer, more disgusting and absolutely formidable. Subaru immediately knew. Because he had been waiting…
Looking down at the corpse, he felt a huge array of emotions. Sadness, happiness, but the strongest emotion he felt was pain — in his back. Slowly caressing his back, Subaru stared at the corpse. It seemed like the knife which he had been stabbed with hadn't materialised along with his body. Of course, it didn't matter to him, but he could've used that knife… for a lot of things.
"Ah, whatever." His hands reached into his pouch. Grabbing a smaller crystal, Subaru began talking to the corpse.
"Burn, burn to ashes so that I can go back home. So that I can sleep on Emilia's lap. So that I can hold Beako's small soft hands again. Burn… so that — so that I don't have to worry about this anymore." Ah, five more to go, just five more. He would finally be free of this hell. Finally, finally, finally!
"Five more and everything will go back to normal. Five more… hahaha! I can finally go back home. Fuck the Pleaides, it can —" what was he thinking… didn't he want to save her… he couldn't just ignore the Pleiades… he needed to talk to the sage and find a way to save Rem… but doing this was tiring… he needed to rest… he needed it more than ever… 'Selfish. You're the very incarnation of selfish. You want to ignore the girl who saved you when you were at your lowest? Disgusting, revolting, repulsive. You're the lowest of the low. The scum of this earth. You're willing to toss aside saving someone's life just so you can rest? You deserve to —'
"— die?" Subaru questioned his conscience. "Yeah, I certainly do. But who is to say that my recent corpses won't show up here? There's always a possibility, right? You talk as if you know it won't happen, but you yourself know it is very much a possibility. Ever since this started, I've died a total of, what, 3 times now? If I die more… heh… you already know what's going to happen. So shut up; you know how it feels to die over and over again." Anger seething from every nook and corner from his body, Subaru posed his reply to himself.
Dying? He's done that so many times now. But the thing is, he didn't want to get used to it. He is not some protagonist that'll do anything to save them, even die for them. He was given a double-edged sword, nothing more, nothing less. It was strong enough to drive him to the brink of insanity. But not strong enough to push him over… probably.
"Either way, it's about time I moved. Next up is the —"
— loot house.
The silence in the loot house was more melancholic than peaceful. Blood smeared walls, guts spread out on the floor, the moonlight that streamed in through the open ceiling, the constant squelching that sounded in there was the stuff of nightmares for Subaru. With each step he took, he had to strengthen his resolve to not look below him, because he knew if he did, the food he had eaten in the restaurant would come rushing out.
"Two… I've died a total of two times here, eh?" He looked at the destroyed tables and chairs as memories of milk and wood strolled around in his mind. "At least Old man Rom and Felt are not here anymore; wouldn't want them dying on me after all." Ah, this was certainly a strange feeling. His memories from the fight he had with his conscience was still fresh in his mind. Why? He didn't know. Maybe it was because there was a hint of truth to his words. Why was he doing this? To save them of course. But what did they do to make him save them? Hell, he didn't even know half the people he wanted to save. It was almost as if he was the protagonist of a shonen anime that wanted to save everyone, even if it cost them their sanity. "Hah, I don't know if I like that idea, it's just me contradicting myself… but, if it's to save others…" he was willing to do anything.
Anything…
"Ah, right, I should not forget why I am here." His hands reached for the fire crystals in his pouch.
He repeated his actions. At this point, it was nothing but muscle memory. He could absent-mindedly reach for the crystal and just chuck it at someone.
But this time, Subaru felt something strange… something dangerous. As soon as the bodies erupted into crimson heat, Subaru felt the urge to reach out to these flames. He wanted to feel it… feel the warmth. It was so exhilarating, so beautiful, so… warm. He wanted to touch it, he wanted to feel the warmth licking his hands. He wanted it…
Subaru stared at the crimson fire with an empty look in his eyes. He was hypnotised by the very idea of being warm. Why was he so lonely? It was simple: At night, Subaru would always sleep with Beatrice. Subaru always made sure she wasn't alone and in return, Beatrice saved him from dying of mana poisoning and provided him warmth. But now… he was all alone. Feeling cold and broken inside. Nothing to provide him warmth except for this burning flame that stared back at him hungrily, waiting to claim it's victim.
Why did this happen? He could've just ignored all the other corpses except for the ones in the mansion. Why did he want to save everyone? He could've just ignored this. What did they do to gain his help? Nothing. Nothing at all, and yet, here he was, waiting for warmth to engulf his entire being. He was alone, alone, alone. He was confused, infuriated, hurt, burning…
Burning?
Subaru's eyelids suddenly blinked as his gaze shifted to his blackened hands. Almost no flesh was left on it and the white of the bones showed up at the finger joints.
"Ah." Confused by what had just happened, Subaru's mouth opened to produce a low 'ah' sound. But as soon as he did, he realised what had happened, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Pain. Pure pain erupted in every part of his body. The smell of burning flesh was choking him, the feeling of not being able to feel his hand was crushing him and the bits and pieces of flesh that cracked away from his body was terrifying him. Was he going to lose his hand? No! He didn't want that! He didn't want to lose it! It was important to him!
He would never be able to comfortably hold Beatrice's hands ever again! He wouldn't be able to ruffle Petra's hair! He wouldn't be able to punch Otto in the face! But more importantly… he would never be able to touch Emilia's face.
He absolutely didn't want that! He wanted a redo! A redo redo redo! "Yeah, maybe if I die —" did he really want to die?
No.
Was there another way of regaining his arm —?
As if in answer to his question, a small circle of blue particles began to swirl around him. Although they were small in number at first, soon they grew into a full-on storm with Subaru as their center.
White. White everywhere. It felt like he was in an infinity room with nowhere to go. But he was so intrigued by the storm that he didn't notice the tendrils of flesh that regenerated on his arm, slowly twisting their way towards the tip of his fingers. As soon as the flesh attached itself, the skin that had been abruptly cut off at the elbow began to flow towards the fingers, slowly covering the newly regenerated flesh.
Although the feeling of loneliness had receded for a while when he put his hand into the fire, Subaru still felt coldness and the hostility the storm radiated. It was horrible, to say the least. The hostility, the cold-heartedness that oozed from it was terrifying. The nausea, from the feeling of infinity, was making his stomach do somersaults.
"Wher – where am I?" He asked almost to himself.
"Pristella." A voice answered.
It was the same guttural voice that he had heard back then. But unlike the last time, it had a hint of smugness to it. Almost as if it was having fun watching him suffer. But although it's voice had a different tone, the answer it gave him was confusing to say the least.
How could he be in Pristella if he was in the loot —
He felt like thousands of eyes were staring at him in contempt. The blood oozing from each mouth slowly snaked its way towards the canals, colouring them red. All of them stared at him… calling out to him... asking him to save them…
'Save us. Save us. Save us, Natsuki Subaru. Please save us. We don't want to die, so please save us. We don't like the feeling of death. Please save us, Natsuki-san. Please save us, cap'n. Please save us, hero. Please, please, please save us! We don't want to die! We don't, don't, don't!'
Subaru's knees started to shake at the sight, he no longer could believe this. Was this reality? Or was this just a hellish nightmare that he couldn't wake up from? He wasn't sure.
"Why?" Subaru's hands reached for his face as he started to back away from the mountain of corpses, he wanted to vomit, but he couldn't, he wanted to cry but no tears came, he wanted to — what did he want to do? He — he couldn't feel anything anymore, not a single emotion floated through his mind, his entire being felt empty as if he had carved everything out with his fingernails. As he looked at the mountain of corpses that he created, he couldn't help but wonder whether he should even care, after all they were already dead, would it even matter?
Subaru pulled his hand back away from his face, clenching it into a fist before punching himself in the face. Blood flew from his mouth as his lips raised, his teeth bared and his eyes filled with nothing but contempt, "GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT! YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SAVE THEM!" He needed to set this right, he needed to go back in time, he needed to —
Subaru's hands reached inside the pouch he had been carrying all around, grabbing one of the fire crystals, Natsuki Subaru looked at the canals longingly. Ah, how he hoped he could've taken Emilia on a boat ride. But it was just a wish; maybe once he was done here and with the Pleiades, he could bring Emilia back here.
"But right now —" Subaru looked at the ever-glowing crystal in his hand, smoking, burning away his skin, charring the flesh underneath. "— I need to save them."
Raising his hand up to his neck, Natsuki Subaru thrust the crystal into his neck as it began to burn through his vocal chords, snapping them in half. It slowly began to burn through his oesophagus, but before it could completely melt it, the crystal's glow became more and more bright, before long — "Oh." — it exploded in his neck, blasting his brains and his skull into a thousand pieces. Blood and flesh flew and splattered on the mountain of corpses that continued to look at him with soulless eyes as he fell motionless on the ground.
Natsuki Subaru lost his life a fourth time. Ever since all this started, he had lost his life a total of four times now. Why was this happening to him then? Hadn't he died one of the most traumatizing deaths ever? He knew Emilia, Beatrice and everyone else died a lot in the sanctuary and the square, but he was explicitly subjected to their deaths here. He had watched them die, but his ability to 『Return by Death』 always came in handy, but this time —
His hands reached for his head to make sure it was still intact as he looked at the mountain of corpses. He noticed a lot of people he knew… Otto, Garfiel, Oslo-san — oh right, he remembered Oslo-san talking about coming to Pristella on some sort of business — all of them. Staring at him, without the slightest hint of life in their eyes.
"... How…" a single question escaped his mouth. 'How?' it was simple wasn't it? All of this was his fault. He had died and for that, he had made others suffer. He couldn't save Otto or Garfiel or anyone else anymore. They were long dead, they were not going to come back… but yet, he didn't want to give up… "maybe if I die again —" he grabbed the fire crystal once more, raising it to his neck and positioning it against his Adam's apple. "— the save-point will change."
A foolish expectation. But what Subaru wanted right now was hope. He wanted it more than anything. He wanted to hope that he would be sent back to some other time. He wanted to hope… but, "No, no, nonono!! Why?! Why am I being sent back here?! Send me somewhere else you goddamn witch! I don't want to lose them! I don't want them to be gone forever! Send me back, back, back! I don't want to be a murderer!" The fire crystal was once again raised to the youths neck. The youth thrust it in and before long, had his skull blasted away.
But each time he did, he was sent back to the same place, right in front of the 50-60 pairs of eyes that stared at him like he was some kind of incompetent being that was not capable of saving anyone even though he had the power to subjugate this entire world with his ability.
"Stop looking at me like that!" The youth yelled as he grabbed the crystal again.
How dare they!? He was trying to help them and they were looking at him as if he was some kind of weakling! Ungrateful…
"I'm trying my best here, so stop looking at me like I am useless. What do you know of how much I have suffered, goddammit!?"
No. He didn't want to give up yet. Even if they were looking at him like that, he didn't want to give up. He was going to die, no matter how many times, he was going to die until Satella changed the save-point.
"Goddammit, come on, come on, change it already!"
Why was she not changing it?! Why?! Dying was beginning to leave a bad taste in his mouth, there was no way he could continue. She needed to change this…
"Oi, Satella! Change it already! I'm waiting!" He yelled out at the sky hoping that she would hear him.
But it didn't change, no matter how many times he died, the save-point didn't change. He kept going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going until he no longer thought of what he was doing.
"Come on, change it…" his voice was growing weaker. He no longer needed to tell his mind to thrust the crystal into his neck, because, by now, it was muscle memory.
*
Each time Subaru felt the searing pain in his neck, he felt like he was being pushed further towards the brink of his sanity. He visualised what was below that cliff and he looked at nothing but absolute chaos. Subaru didn't wanna go down there. He didn't want to be pushed into it, but —
"— I can't get her to change the save-point and I don't want to go back home a failure."
By now, Subaru had killed himself a total of twenty-five times, but the save-point didn't seem to change.
What kind of fool did he have to be to not understand his very own ability of 『Returning by Death』? He had used this so many times as well. He should know better than to beg for a change. If the save-point was able to change then he would've been able to save Rem. But then, why was he killing himself over and over again now? This was the same case wasn't it?
Well, if Subaru had to put it simply: The sheer number of dead far outweighed that of the Greed and Gluttony attack.
*
"CHANGE IT, YOU DAMN BITCH! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM! THEY'RE PEOPLE WHO SAVED ME ON THE WAY! SO CHANGE IT! CHANGE IT! CHANGE IT!" His vocal chords shook as he yelled at her. Why was he being subjected to this? Why did he have to save everyone else? He could just go on without them. All that he needed was Otto and Garfiel.
A knight? Ha, that had to be a joke! No knight would act like this, "ah, Emilia would be disappointed."
*
"Hey… please… you don't have to give everyone back, just Otto and Garfiel… they've saved me so many times… let me at least save them…" He was not a hero either. What kind of hero would forget about saving others and only look at the people they wanted to save?
Subaru was standing on his tippy-toes now, just one push and —
The hands that once provided comfort were now being charred by the crystal. The neck that once delivered inspiring speeches now couldn't speak anymore. The eyes that looked mean, but held nothing but compassion were now empty and the lips that smiled every time he saw his beloved was now quivering with rage and pain. "Please, Satella. I — I just want them back."
— he would disappear.
Subaru stared at the corpses with lifeless eyes, "Oh well," he said as he tried to think but nothing came to his mind anymore. His hands raised once again and before long, he thrust his hand into his throat. Subaru no longer felt the burning sensation instead… he felt nothing.
'Get up, do your best' was no longer his hymn instead all that was left of Subaru was 'save everyone.'
Dying was horrible, each time he thrust the crystal into his neck, each time it detonated, Subaru felt it. The feeling of a thread snapping somewhere in his body. He kept going until he had snapped at least a hundred of these threads.
*
"... Change it.." empty words echoed in the empty square. Subaru was no longer Subaru. He was just an empty husk that felt nothing and had carved everything out of himself except his saviour complex.
How did he even get to this point?
Well… he killed himself a hundred times. Each thread that snapped in his body was a part of his sanity. Each time he died, he began to forget something else. First was the mansion, soon the people in it followed, next he lost his feeling of pain and then his emotions themselves followed.
"Please…" with empty eyes, Subaru called out to her, her voice echoing in his head. Huh? Who was she again? Was she someone he liked? He didn't remember.
Subaru looked at the mountain of corpses again. Right, he needed to save them, what was he waiting for? He needed to die.
Subaru's hands lazily reached out for the crystals. Grabbing the biggest one he could find, Subaru instinctively raised it to his neck before pulling his hands back, "I swear, I will —" before he could finish his sentence, his muscles contracted as his hands moved at amazing speeds, thrusting the crystal into his neck, burning through the skin, making it black and brittle, melting his oesophagus, boring a hole through it and severing his spinal cord, before appearing at the other end of his neck.
Snap!
Oh… why did he kill himself again? Was the only question he asked himself before his head exploded into a thousand bits. Flesh and brains flew up before gravity took hold and pushed them further away from the main body as laughter echoed around Subaru… or what was left of him.
It was almost as if… the world was laughing at him. "This is fun. So fun. You truly are foolish, Natsuki Subaru." It said in the same guttural voice. The voice seemed to originate from everywhere, drawing itself out from the nooks and crannies of this world. "This is what you get for ignoring my rules. You and that witch… Tch, she was such a nice girl too. But either way, you ignored my rules so..." the world's words seemed quite cold. "Repeat."
"Ahhhhh, it feels so good to be out of the carriage again!" The black-haired youth stretched his hands out and looked at the glowing sun. Having gotten back from Pristella , he was quite tired… and quite hungry as well.
Author's notes: Welp, I'm sorry about the decreasing quality. I kinda got, uh, how do I put this, lost. I mean the basic premise was: Subaru's corpses start showing up and he goes on a journey to burn them, and try to save the people that have died from it. But somewhere in between, I seem to have deviated from it.Subaru has gone without any human contact for what, like 10 days in the starting and slowly that increases to fifteen days and since he's returning by death — including the first 4 deaths — to him, it feels like 20 days. And Subaru is dependent on others, so what do you think happens when he goes on without anyone to talk to for twenty days? He naturally becomes lonely. Thus the scene where he begins to lose his pace. You might've noticed how he had conflicting ideals. That's because of the witch factors affecting his mind. The guy that wanted to save everyone, even the ones he didn't know was being influenced by the greed factor, whereas the guy who was losing his mind over not wanting to save everyone was being influenced by sloth.Basically, what I want to say is, the Subaru you guys knew was long gone except for bits and pieces of him that persisted, lived on, and fought to keep themselves alive. And the kind of empty feeling in Subaru's words are a product of this.Being subjected to everyone's deaths in the mansion, it was natural for him to begin losing his sanity.Now let's look at the ending, I'm pretty sure it was confusing. Lemme put it like this, what's the 'world' here? It's basically Od Laguna. Thus the 'you broke my rules' part. What's happening here is basically Returning by death, but on a much, much larger scale. Subaru has done this a total of five times now, each mega-loop distinct from the other. To be honest, there are so many possibilities. As I said before, Subaru could've gotten to such a point that he could become the witch factors' host and they, in turn, would have pushed Subaru past the brink of his sanity. Basically, he will have no end because he ignored the world mana's rules.P. S. You must've noticed his selfishness and how everytime he died, there was a slight change in the death sentence, that's also because of the gradual change in his personality. If he had stopped dying in the 50s or the 60s in the Pristella arc, then he would no longer be Subaru.Minor trivia: You must've noticed that Subaru had to clean up six rather than five corpses. What happened is that he forgot about the Mansion x Elsa death. So… even if he hadn't been emptied out, even if he had somehow pulled himself together and had given up on them. Even if he had burned the corpses, the ending would remain the same. Subaru would end up killing himself over and over again because when he would get back to the mansion, the others would be long dead, and RbD wouldn't help either.The healing part was done by the dragon's blood and not the mana storm.