"There are seat warmers," Elsa said as they both slid into the car. Elsa touched one button and the car turned on, accompanied by immediate warmth to Anna's chilled backside.
"Oooh," Anna said as she fastened her seatbelt and then squirmed deeper into her seat. "Elsa, I haven't been in a car for… okay, I suppose I take Uber cars sometimes from place to place, but in a car with a friend… maybe the summer? Oh. Oh, baby. That hits the spot." The seat beneath her had also started to subtly vibrate; Anna had a momentary and completely inappropriate thought about what would happen in this car should certain… ahem… adult enhancers of intimacy be used…
Elsa grinned, checked all the mirrors and then made a quick U-turn so she could get on the main road. Anna sat up in her seat and looked around her in curiosity, appreciating the simple pleasure of being a passenger again. "So, where do you live?" Anna asked.
"Barrandov."
"I've rarely been there. It's south of here, right? Above the Vltava river?"
"That's right."
"Do you have any flatmates?"
"Not exactly." Elsa glanced over at her and continued, "It's my family home. But my dad's currently in Bali. And my mom… she and my step-dad have their own place in Moravia. Have you been there? Moravia, I mean?"
"Moravia? Definitely. Kristoff and I have been there twice for the wine festivals in the fall. Where exactly do your mom and step dad live?"
"My stepdad has a vineyard in the Palava district, near the village of Pavlov."
"So that means that you technically live alone."
"Technically. Yes. I appreciate you not commenting on the fact that I might also technically live with my parents."
"Elsa. Inter-generational households are beautiful. Many of my students live with their children and grandchildren, not in the same apartment, of course, but in the same multi level home. I think it's lovely. Except that yours are, um, non-existent. How did you manage to stay sane throughout this entire fucking pandemic? Pardon my French."
"Maybe I haven't stayed sane. Maybe that's why I was desperate enough to go on a wintertime hike with a colleague I can barely stand."
"I knew it!" Anna crowed as Elsa got onto the main road that would lead them through some tunnels towards Barrandov. "I mean, I live with a guy I can't stand, just so I can pay the bills, right, so for the last few months I've been asking myself, what's the lesser of the two evils? Should I live alone and go crazy with isolation and loneliness or live with this guy who is just cuckoo bananas?"
"Logic would state that there is another option, Anna."
"Don't even mention going to America. I admit, it's looking slightly more rosy now that Biden is in office, and that they have vaccines, but...c'mon."
"Think harder."
"You mean new flatmate."
"Bingo."
"Not the best time to welcome a stranger into my hearth and home, present company excluded, of course."
"I'm the one welcoming into hearth and home," Elsa said with a smile. "So the world has turned into a… what phrase did I learn recently… dumpster fire?" Anna laughed aloud and Elsa continued, "that's no reason to lose your trust in people. Your flatmate and my work colleague notwithstanding, I think most people are deserving of some trust."
"Which is why you're inviting me, a stranger, back to your flat."
"Well, villa, but that's besides the point. Yes, I trust you. I trusted you the moment I saw you. You have a disarming way about you, Anna… What's your surname?"
"Did you say villa?"
"Yes," Elsa said abruptly, her body suddenly a little stiff again. "Anna, I'm…"
"Cute. You were going to say cute, right?"
"Not exactly."
"Charming, then. Anna, I'm charming, you were going to say."
Elsa smoothly changed lanes and then glanced over at Anna. There was a little anger furrow to her brow, the same Anna had seen when Elsa had kinda rudely punted Hans to the public transit. "Are you going to let me finish?"
"By all means."
"I'm rich."
"You say that like it's a disease."
"Maybe it is. It certainly split my parents up."
"Parents split up for all sorts of reasons."
"Are yours together?"
"Yes. Though, I'll admit, it's by the skin of their teeth sometimes." Anna sighed. "Elsa, it was one of the first things Hans told me about you today. Though I'm being a complete ass by telling you what he said."
"At least you're a cute ass."
"I believe you are flirting with me."
"I believe you're right."
They emerged from the tunnel and back into the leaden grey skies of Prague, but now all of Anna's vision was golden and bright; her heart sung a mighty song of validation as she savoured this sentiment. May it be what we talk about in years to come, as we regale our children with how we met…
"In fact, I have a Czech surname, courtesy of my grandparents. I think you'll love it, most people do."
"Go on, then."
"Sokol. Just Sokol, my legal name, though everyone here wants to say Sokolova because I'm a woman. And, with that last name, I get a whole lotta Czech from all sorts of people. It's been great incentive for my Czech lessons."
"Sokol. It suits you. Falcon."
"I've loved it forever. What's your surname, Elsa?"
"My dad's surname is Maki. Though the Czech government insisted on giving me a female surname because I was born here, so my name here is actually Makova."
"Wait. Mak means poppy seed. So your last name is about poppy seeds?"
Elsa turned her head and smiled generously at Anna. "So you have been studying your Czech."
"Don't blame me. In fact, it's because I've learned to hate those pastries with poppy seeds in them."
"Koláč?"
"Bingo. I eat one and I think I'm going to end up in an opiate den with incense swirling around my face… Okay, so I'm exaggerating, but I fail to see the allure of eating a paste made of poppy seeds when there are such nicer things to put in a pastry. Like nutella, for example."
The light-hearted banter continued, and so did the soaring nature of Anna's heart, as Elsa smoothly drove them up and into the neighborhood of Barrandov. She drove down street after street before pulling up in front of a stone wall with a gate. Elsa was already pressing a fob on her keychain, and the gate was opening.
Anna tried not to gawk, but… this villa was gawk-worthy.
Not nearly as gawk-worthy as Elsa herself, but still…
Soft lighting illuminated the 1920s art-nouveau style three-story villa as Elsa drove up the driveway, the gate smoothly closing behind her. The villa was as ornate and intricate as most of the buildings in Vinohrady, the district Anna (and many other expats) called home. It was already starting to get dark out, so the peach-coloured villa was already gauzy and shadowed; there was winter ivy crawling up two sides of the building. Barrandov was a district on a hill, so it looked as if the house would have a lower level that opened onto the yard. Even from here the view was amazing, as this villa was situated above the sparkling Vltava River, which was dark and mysterious now in the pre-dusk winter light.
"Um. Wow?" Anna articulated as Elsa parked the car.
"Home sweet home. Come on in, Anna."
Elsa keyed a combination into the door lock, and then welcomed Anna into the foyer, which smelled faintly of jasmine or tea tree oil or something just as delicate and fragrant. She turned to deactivate the security alarm and Anna automatically shucked off her winter shoes; taking off her shoes when coming indoors had been a habit she'd been eager to adopt. The house was warm enough after the cool of the winter day; Anna took off her beanie as well, placing it on her backpack, which she put on the floor next to her shoes. Elsa took Anna's coat and put it into an old-fashioned wardrobe, hanging hers there as well. Anna was pleased to see that Elsa also simply dropped her pack on the floor next to their muddle of shoes.
"Can I wash my hands? I never used to be so fastidious, but now…" Anna asked with a shrug of her shoulders.
"Of course. There is a small toilet right over here." Elsa turned on some lights, and Anna saw a small, immaculate room to the side. She gratefully closed herself inside, used the facilities (beer really made her pee!), and gladly washed her hands. Then she tried to pat down stray wisps of hair with water and breathed into her hand, grimacing as she tasted 'mask breath'. As if kissing were somehow inevitable, now that Elsa had brought her into her home.
She was an eternal optimist, after all. Elsa had already confirmed that she had been flirting with Anna, so it wasn't much of a stretch to imagine that kissing could happen in the immediate future…
That, and more, Elsa had said. If you're interested…
Anna hadn't had sex for almost two years, since her last relationship of only four months had ended. She was definitely interested. Not in a one-night stand, though. Elsa appeared to be someone Anna would thoroughly enjoy dating. The question remained, what was Elsa's intent? Not everyone was interested in a relationship, Anna had learned.
Anna finally exited, and Elsa disappeared behind the door as well. Anna tried to rein in her rampant curiosity regarding this dark, gleaming, enormous villa that Elsa called home. She was a little saddened to actually feel emptiness around her, as if one life form amidst all this space just couldn't enliven it enough. How had Elsa stayed sane?
Well, maybe she picked up other women as handily as she had picked up Anna. A little pandemic 'playtime' to take the edge off…
She distracted herself from these thoughts by stepping a bit further into the house, listening to the sounds it made. She heard the flushing of the toilet, the sound of the sink, and then Elsa emerged, all smiles and adorable hesitation. "Don't you Americans have a saying for taking a tour of a house?"
"A penny tour," Anna said, her voice still somewhat dazed with the beauty of the villa. Okay, if she were to be honest, she was dazed by Elsa's presence, not her beauty, though she remained very beautiful. The radiant blonde fit into this home, in a way that the clumsy, careless, pigtail-braided Anna was somewhat envious of. She had a sudden desire to invite Elsa back to her sprawling ranch home, in the suburbs of Phoenix, where fireflies danced in the evening on the currents of the day's heat, spinning and weaving all sorts of fairy tales and wonders with their movements. Where space was an asset to be danced with, seeing as the sky was as broad as the day was long; Anna's childhood imagination had been as vast as that Arizona landscape. Her dreams even vaster. And those dreams, in their circuitous ways, had led her here.
To Prague.
And only here, in Prague, did Anna start to learn about the nuances, the intricacies, the history that could be brought into every cubic centimetre. Houses became steeped in story here, in a country where the castle itself had existed, in some form or another, for over a thousand years. A person had to consciously take their place in this city, claim a small portion of its storied landscape, or be forever lost in the very current of history itself. Just one soul among the masses. Barely to be noticed or recognised.
Prague was more than just a city. Prague was a woman. And she loved to be noticed.
Sometimes Anna felt as if this city, this place, noticed when Anna noticed her. Like how dreams, the best dreams, the dreams of your very life, noticed you noticing them.
Anna stepped into this place, right here on the immaculate tile, and felt, oh so strangely, and oh so small, a subtle click, as if she were meant to be here. Just here, just now. An American girl. In this old villa. With Elsa.
"Do you have a penny?" Elsa teased. Then she paused, and asked, "Wait. Was that a thinking face? Did I interrupt thinking?"
"I may practice meditation daily, but I still do plenty of thinking," Anna replied, her voice somewhat dazed.
"Your face…"
"You love faces, don't you?"
"Yes. You'll see. Share your thought with me, please?"
"I'm not sure if I can," Anna replied, before trying to explain with mere words alone what she had just considered, this idea of making a mark, taking space, making an impact in a cosmology as dense and rich as Prague's. How, perhaps, a place, or a dream, noticed a person noticing them. She concluded, backtracking with nervousness, "I mean, how does one even make a place recognise that she is here?"
"You speak as if Prague were living, had a spirit or soul."
"Doesn't she?" Anna replied. "Don't places have spirits or souls?" She then smiled, and continued, "I'll have you know that I'm nearly as cuckoo bananas as my flatmate, Duke." She took a deep breath and said, determined to tell the full truth and end all possibility of future romance if required, for such were the sacrifices to be made to personal truth, "I didn't tell you the full truth earlier, Elsa, when you asked why I came here. I came to Prague, because she called me. I came, because I was meant to be here."
This was not exactly the kind of conversation that was recommended for first dates. Those of the Tinder era should better stick to easier and more accessible avenues of communication and connection. Anna, bless her crazy heart, would have none of it.
"I didn't know it at the time, how could I?" Anna continued in a rush. "I only know that the desert had burned me, and it seemed that America had burned me as well, and primeval forests were calling me, the very roots of my DNA were tugging, and there was this longing, this yearning inside my soul to connect with part of my ancestral homeland in a way I'd never tried before… The endless sun and sky makes everyone in America pretend that things are cheerful, that everything is just fine. I came here and heard stories I could not imagine, though, believe me, America is not without its own worries and conflict. People here in the Czech Republic don't just go 'brave little toaster' about everything. If something is shitty here, we admit that it's shitty."
Noticing that Elsa was staring at her in incredulity, Anna continued, "Please forgive the royal we, I swear I'm not royalty. I just… I came here and instantly started to soar, as if these skies were only mine, soar like the falcon I was. I wanted to understand my grandparents, why they forged papers and found themselves in America in 1969. Life in America was not easy for them. But life here was not easy either, or so my students have told me. Forced communism. Labour camps. No democracy. No freedom. No bananas to buy, and getting a simple bicycle could take up to a painstaking year! My Czech grandparents died when I was little, I barely knew either of them. But I wonder. I wonder, Elsa, if they wanted me back here. To finally take the space that was denied them. To experience freedom in their own country when they could not. My own blood, my DNA, was screaming for me to return and redeem them. To live the lives that they couldn't live. They wanted me to fly. That's what they bought for me, Elsa. That's why I'm here."
The day was gloaming. That greyness, the filter between all sorts of worlds, was evident even here, even now, as subtle lowlights to Elsa's hair, to the seriousness of her chin as she stared back at Anna's face. Her eyes were shadowed and so deeply blue, looking at Anna with serious intent.
"And that's why I've stayed," Anna concluded. "Right now, even in the middle of a global pandemic, with the Czech government bickering and not enough vaccine to go around, with the districts about to close and part of the population pretending COVID doesn't even exist, there is nowhere on Earth I would rather be."
"You really mean that, don't you?" Elsa replied, her voice small, and filled with wonder.
"Yeah. I do. My parents scream otherwise on our weekly Zoom calls as they beg me to come back, but… I won't budge. This is my home, Elsa. For better or for worse. I mean, isn't this what relationships need? A mixture of better… and worse? I'm not going to give up on Prague now. I'll love her even when the chips are down. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I made a poker metaphor. Apparently I've learned nothing from three years of teaching English. And I'm a goddamn supervisor of other teachers! What do I tell them? No baseball idioms. Czechs don't play baseball. And watch the metaphors!"
Anna forced herself to take a breath and she gave Elsa a sheepish smile before miming zipping her mouth shut, locking it, and throwing away the key.
"Oh, no, you don't," Elsa growled. "I love how you talk, Anna. What you said just now… I've never heard anything like it. Bless your heart, be yourself with me, be natural, say exactly what comes to your mind. I've known teachers, Anna, I know how you 'grade your English' to make yourselves easier to understand. Don't do it with me, please, don't simplify your speech. I promise to tell you if you say something unfamiliar. Be yourself. Pretty please? Cherry on top?"
Anna unzipped her lips and took a deep breath. "Thank you, Elsa. That means a lot to me."
"What you said… about your roots, about coming home, taking a space here, making Prague recognise you… Anna, I was born here, but I've never felt truly connected to this city, this place, my own people. This may be my family home, but… can I tell you that I sometimes feel homeless?"
"Moving away from Arizona taught me my own true meaning of home," Anna said, happy to share this thought aloud with Elsa. "Ja jsem jako šnek, Elsa. I'm a snail who carries her home with her constantly. And I make my home in other people, like Kristoff. People I love carry a piece of my home with them. No matter where I am, no matter who I'm with, I'm always centered. I'm always home."
"Then Kristoff is a lucky man. And you… you are an amazing woman." The words were said with all sincerity, and Anna blushed. A younger Anna would have immediately added that Elsa was also an amazing woman, but this older, slightly wiser Anna knew that a more appropriate time would yet come to admit how enchanting she found Elsa; she would not cheapen Elsa's sentiment with a simple rejoinder, no matter how true it was.
They looked at each other in the dim lights of the foyer. Anna saw Elsa take a deep breath, and then swallow. She was wearing a light cashmere sweater, in a silvery blue colour that perfectly accented her eyes, her figure. Anna wished she were wearing something a bit more alluring than a long-sleeved green t-shirt with a prancing unicorn over her heart. Le sigh. "How about that tour?" Elsa suggested.
"Please. Astonish me."
Elsa smiled and gestured towards a stairwell that led down; Anna followed on her heels. "Hey Google," Elsa lightly called, "Downstairs lights on." Creamy and warm white light illuminated the staircase; for the millionth time that day, Anna tried not to gawk.
The circular staircase led down into an open area. Behind the staircase, Elsa pointed to a spare bedroom, plus another toilet and shower. Another room was built right into the rock of the hillside, made of mortared stone, and, when Elsa switched on the light, Anna saw a wine cellar filled with rack upon rack of wines. "It's what brought my parents together," Elsa explained as Anna looked at the array. "Dad got permission to work here for a summer, for a winery in Moravia, back before the revolution in 1989. My uncle's winery, to be precise. That's where my parents met. It was a whirlwind romance, or so they told me." Elsa looked over at Anna. "We can take a bottle upstairs to open, if you're interested."
"Yes, that sounds lovely," Anna replied, "but please, you choose. I know next to nothing about wine."
"Do you prefer red or white?"
"Surprise me?"
Elsa smiled, then made a small show of picking through some of the bottles. Finally she selected one, and then ushered Anna out of the room. The rest of the open floor plan of the basement was pure recreation. There was a covered jacuzzi, a small gym, and a personal sauna. "My dad's other obsession," Elsa said as she waved at the sauna. "No home can be without. Have you had any experience with a sauna, Anna?"
"Only at the YMCA in Phoenix. And believe me, it's not the same," Anna said. "For one thing, we keep our bathing suits on."
"A practice we see as horrific. I'm constantly astonished, Anna, at how liberal Americans can be with some things, and how conservative with others." She waved at her practically perfect body as she continued, "It's just a human body. We all have them."
"I don't know who to blame, so let's blame the Puritans," Anna replied. "I've been here over three years, Elsa, and I'm still not ready to sit naked in a sauna with strangers. Some human bodies look a whole lot nicer than others."
"I'll give you time, then," Elsa teased. She waved at the small assortment of gym equipment, plus a treadmill to the side. "I'm not much for lifting weights, but I admit to working out on the treadmill. You'd think that a half Finnish, half Czech girl would be more… hmm… the Czech word is otužilá. Anna, what do you call those people who swim in frigid lakes in January?"
"Crazy."
Elsa laughed aloud. "It doesn't matter. It's not like I mind the cold. I just prefer watching whole seasons of Supernatural while taking long walks on the treadmill."
"I never got into that show."
"Your show was Buffy, or so I think I heard…"
"So you were listening!"
"I'd take your conversation over Hans any day. I appreciate you confirming what I had suspected and hoped; shy of wearing a rainbow coloured pride flag on my clothes, how are we supposed to recognise a sister when we see one?"
"It's infinitely harder here in Europe than at home," Anna replied, heart warmly burning. "Where all the girls have long hair and are thin and gorgeous. Despite all my social contacts, I have rarely met any other gay people through my friend networks. And Tinder? Well, either it sucks or I suck. Forgive my being blunt, but are you a lesbian, Elsa? You could be bi, or bi-curious, or any other word, to be honest."
Elsa smiled. "I have dated both men and women, Anna, but find I really enjoy the company of women much more than men. To put you at ease, I haven't dated a guy for over ten years. I don't like labels, but lesbian is close enough."
"Whew. At least that's out of the way. Now I can be awkward in other ways."
Elsa reached out and took Anna's hand. "Come on, let's see the rest of the house and open this bottle."
Anna was happy to be led back up the stairs, Elsa's cool hand holding hers as the tour continued. On the main floor was her father's room and study, a kitchen, dining room, and large living space. It was beautiful, pristine, and, as Anna had earlier felt, entirely lacking in zip and zing.
Elsa was perceptive, she could see the reservation on Anna's face. "A little sterile, isn't it?" Elsa said. "Up one more floor, it's where I live."
Still hand in hand, Elsa brought Anna up another staircase, which alighted on a much homier scene: the sitting area was cluttered and crowded, with a sectional couch (complete with lounger, Anna could imagine being so cozy with Elsa on a couch like that), an armchair or two, side tables and vintage, eclectic lamps. The ceiling had rafters of wood, which made the space feel much more organic. The space was irregularly shaped, and had a beautiful fireplace set in the central wall, with a loveseat in front of it. Elsa let go of Anna's hand so she could pick up a sweater and a scarf that she had left on the floor, grinning shyly as she did so.
Encouraged by the warmth and coziness she felt here, Anna continued to explore while Elsa adjusted a vase of flowers and turned on a couple lamps. In one corner, by a spacious window, Anna saw Elsa's home office working station, with laptop, monitor, office chair, printer, and so on. It, too, was cluttered and slightly disorganised. The artwork on the walls was also eclectic, showing a variety of styles and influences. Anna wondered if any of it was Elsa's.
"Is that a record player?" Anna asked as she spied a piece of equipment by the far wall.
"Yes. I play them sometimes, though Google can also just play a playlist for me as well. Listening to vinyl is another of my dad's hobbies. He's rarely home, so I confiscated it."
"And I see a guitar. Do you play, Elsa?"
"Yes, though not well and not often. Do you play any instruments?"
"I played the piano as a child, but I haven't touched a keyboard in years. I'm sure it would come back to me, though. Wait. Is playing an instrument like riding a bike?"
Tucking a stray tendril of hair behind her ear, Elsa grinned and blushed as she said, "Here, come to my room so I can put these away. I wasn't exactly expecting company today." She led Anna down a short corridor and opened a door to her bedroom; another large yet intimate space, also cluttered, slightly disorganised, and completely welcoming, so much more than the dead spaces downstairs. Her bed was king-sized, or so Anna believed, and a few more items of clothing were strewn on the floor here as well; Elsa handed the bottle of wine to Anna and quickly picked everything up. "Should I be embarrassed?" Elsa asked as she opened her walk-in closet to put the items away.
"Not at all. I'll show you my place sometime. You're not the only human who has ever left clothing on the floor." Anna looked around her in appreciation. "This is more like it. This is more… you." Anna took a few more steps into the room, noticing the bookshelves stuffed with books, and a window nook, deep enough to curl up in with a blankie and a book. There was more artwork on the walls; Anna was intensely curious, as these works of art seemed to have a common style or theme, and could be the progression of Elsa's own work.
She was no art critic, but these were bold lines, abstract somewhat, yet left nothing hidden. These were the lines and colours of someone who meant to leave her mark on the world, in one way or another.
Anna recalled how Elsa had held her cheek earlier today, tracing the line of her eyebrow and face, and wondered if this was how Elsa assimilated her art.
Ha! Assimilated! As if she were Borg.
Then she spied one of her own favourite novels on Elsa's shelf; giving an uncouth little squeal of joy, Anna touched it and almost pulled it from the shelf. "Morgan's Run," Anna murmured. "Not nearly as well known as her novels about Rome, the…"
"Masters of Rome?"
"Yes. This novel about the colonisation of Australia by British convicts is simply brilliant. Impeccably researched. Beautifully written. I've read it probably ten times."
"I've read a few other Colleen McCullough novels, but this is my favourite," Elsa said. "I always had a soft spot for Stephen Donovan, who loved Richard Morgan from the moment they met, but knew that Richard would never return his love. For Stephen, it was enough that love existed…" Elsa tilted her head slightly and then smiled at Anna again. She had begun undoing her braid, picking it apart and then finger-combing the tendrils until it lay like a mass of gold-tinted snowfall over her left shoulder.
Elsa's smiles were radiant, beautiful things, each one tugging at Anna's heart. And lower as well, in that place in the stomach that all would-be-lovers know very well, the place that aches inside with every errant touch, every errant gaze.
Elsa took Anna's hand again and continued to lead her down the hall, showing her two more rooms, both guest rooms, murmuring that her mom and stepdad's family used them on their infrequent visits; she added that she had two half-siblings, twins, a boy and a girl, now aged 14. The last part of this floor was dedicated to a small kitchen and dining area; a small table with two chairs was in a little alcove on the side of the house with sliding doors that led to a balcony, and the dimming light of outdoors shone on a vase of forced spring flowers. Anna could easily imagine Elsa having her breakfast here. Elsa ducked into the kitchen to grab two wine glasses and a bottle opener.
"We can eat as well, if you're hungry. I'm not much of a cook, but there's always the Wolt meal delivery service."
"I'll be hungry in a while," Anna admitted. "Where would you like to sit?"
"The sitting room, it's far more cozy. And I can light the fire."
They returned to the sitting room, passing by one last set of stairs that led to the upper floor (where Anna hoped was Elsa's private art studio) and Elsa put the bottle of wine down on one of the side tables next to the small, intimate couch. She glanced at the large windows, and then looked back at Anna. "Wait, come out onto the balcony for a moment," she suggested, gesturing towards another set of sliding doors. Anna followed her outside; the March wind was even more brisk and biting than before.
Not that Anna minded. The view… was incredible.
The sun was setting behind the villa, and the river ahead of them was murmuring and morose, the gauzy light barely dusting the ripples of the current. Across the river was the Branik brewery; it looked more like a chateaux than a brewery, if one discounted the large tower that jutted above the crenellated and intricate baroque facade of the building. The entire scene felt otherworldly; as if they had stepped through some filter that momentarily separated them from reality.
Anna soaked in the scene even as she began to shiver with the cold. "It's beautiful," she whispered.
"I've seen this scene a million times and more," Elsa said. "But tonight… it's magical. This ethereal light… it's like a bridge between worlds."
"My thoughts exactly." Anna's gaze strayed down, and she noticed the large back yard of the villa, which included, of course, a wooden deck, and a swimming pool. She smiled and said, "A little cold for swimming, isn't it? Unless you're… what was the word? Otuzen…"
"Otužilá. The pool is divine in hot summer days. Well, if I'm here to enjoy it. I'm often away from Prague during the summer. Come on, Anna, come back inside. Let's warm up."
They came back indoors and Anna gratefully approached the fireplace and couch. Feeling awkward and a bit nervous, Anna sat down, feeling as if she were made of nothing but elbows and knees.
Elsa knelt down by the fireplace and swiftly lit it, then fed it carefully from the basket of firewood nearby until it was crackling and vivacious. She looked back at Anna. "Would you like a blanket as well?" Elsa asked. "I know that the chills can hit after a long winter walk."
"Yes, please."
Elsa rose and went to a cabinet in the corner, pulling out a beautiful fluffy blue blanket. Then she gave it to Anna as she sat down on the loveseat next to Anna. "Is it okay if we share the blanket?" Elsa asked.
"More than okay. Come here, you."
Elsa settled into the loveseat, moving until she could face both Anna and the fire. Anna fluffed the blanket over their legs, careful to make sure that no part of the blanket was close to the flames. Elsa showed Anna the label of wine, saying, "It's from my stepdad's private reserve. 2013. A white wine called Muller Thurgau. A very good wine year, if we do say so ourselves."
"Sounds amazing."
Elsa deftly opened the bottle of wine and poured a small amount into both glasses. Anna watched and then copied Elsa's movements; they first looked at the wine and its colour, then sniffed, then swirled, and inhaled. Elsa told Anna to take a sip of wine, swish it about her mouth, and then swallow it. "What do you think?"
"I wish I could say something bougie, like it has this or that hint of something impressive, but it tastes good. I like it."
Elsa poured more wine into their glasses, and then looked at Anna. "Na zdravi, Anna. I'm so glad that Fate brought us together today."
"Na zdravi, Elsa. Believe me, the feeling is mutual."
…
The talk flowed like the wine and even easier. Anna felt her cheeks getting rosy with the warmth of the fire and the deliciously cool, lively, slender Muller Thurgau. After two glasses of wine, she told herself to slow down; with very little food in her system, she could pass from tipsy to stupid with very little notice. Thankfully, Elsa soon opened her food delivery app and they ordered some pizza, which would arrive in thirty minutes.
They slipped from topic to topic as haphazardly as any forest bee seeking pollen, soon hitting upon those topics nearest and dearest to all those who were out-and-proud: family responses to coming out, first girlfriends, and relationship mishaps. Fortunately for both women, their families had taken their orientation as a matter of course and nothing to be fussed over. "Not like some other girls I met in Arizona, who grew up religious and faced complete community shunning by their bravely coming out. I admired them, Elsa. Being true to their highest selves came with a heavy price that I've never had to pay."
Elsa's own cheeks were beautifully flushed; one hand held the wine glass and her other arm was draped over the back of the couch, nearly touching Anna where she sat. Her face had been somewhat shadowed when she had mentioned one particular girlfriend of long ago; Anna dampened her curiosity and did not pry, hoping that time itself would reveal more. Nearly everyone had a wound in the heart from a previous love lost; Anna was no exception.
"I hope that, in coming generations, there will no longer be any question of 'coming out'," Elsa was saying, "that being born lesbian or gay or trans or any other form of non-binary is simply accepted. Though we seem to have a long way to go, when we still treat people differently based on the colour of their skin, not to mention their sexual orientation. Or political, I might add, seeing what happened in your country while Biden was elected. How did you manage to stay positive this last year, Anna?"
"I wasn't always, to be honest. I have my ups and downs, just like anyone else. But I've found many reasons to be grateful these last few months," Anna mused. "I have work that I love, I live in a country that is safe, I have access to public health care (something we Americans still haven't figured out how to do), and, despite the mental challenges of a global pandemic, I know that I'm rather well-off. Okay, let's not talk about the general ineptitude of the Czech government and just focus on what's here and now. And, here and now, I'm still optimistic about the future."
"Maybe what some people label optimism isn't just optimism," Elsa said, twirling the stem of her wine glass, her voice somewhat thoughtful. "I think there's a better word."
Anna, well used to how some students needed time and space to gather their thoughts in their native language before translating and sharing them in English, waited for Elsa to continue. After a time, Elsa sighed and said, "You seem like an optimistic person, Anna. But I don't see you as… fatally optimistic."
"Go on."
"Some blind optimists are so focused on positive thinking that they can't see reality for what it is. Optimism seems a bit… naive to me. I'm sorry. I'm trying to say something I don't know how to say."
"Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."
"It's… it's an attitude that we associate with most Americans. I don't mean to belittle your country, Anna, but it isn't always the bastion of hope and freedom that seems to be portrayed in the media or through Hollywood. Especially not with what happened to George Floyd and so many others. The idea that hard work and a 'can-do' attitude can affect real change is not really the truth. Not in the real world. I'd rather be a cheerful pessimist than a blind optimist."
"I agree. I'm not fatally optimistic. I don't automatically look for the silver lining. In fact, Elsa, I have learned that I would rather experience a true and authentic sense of entropy and numbness and despair than any fake happiness or 'bright side' thinking. I am grateful for many things. But I also recognise that sometimes… well… life is plain shitty. You can't decorate a pile of dog shit with roses and expect the essential nature of dog shit to change, can you?"
Elsa tilted her head back and laughed until tears came to her eyes; she moved her hand on the back of the couch so she could wipe them away. "Oh, Anna. Thank you for that. That's exactly what I mean."
"Here's the question I've been thinking about," Anna began. "What about hope? Can you be a cheerful pessimist and still have hope?"
"Oh, yes. When nurtured, hope can flower eternally. Though it takes courage not to be discouraged, to wilt in the face of enormous uncertainty and upheaval. There is progress and change happening all around us. Just the COVID vaccine by itself is an example of something that would have been impossible even fifty years ago. As you mentioned, it doesn't make sense to cover dog shit with roses. So the shit is there. Doesn't mean you have to step in it and track its stink everywhere.
"Life is full of darkness and suffering. It is full of pain and heartbreak and loss," Elsa softly continued, that shadow again upon her voice. "But hope… hope is like a fire in the heart that keeps burning even when the night is black and cold and there is no hearth or home to be found. Hope… shines a light on those dark places. Illuminates them. Shows their edges, their substance. Hope doesn't deny their existence, it validates it. What you said earlier about noticing, Anna… maybe these worn, dark, horrible things just want to be noticed and accepted. Not denied or rejected or… covered in roses.
"Just like how people want to be accepted. Take away all the window dressing, strip down to the skin as if entering a sauna, look past the body to the heart and soul and just accept it." Elsa finished speaking in a rush, and then she paused and smiled hesitantly at Anna.
Anna's mind was trembling as it expanded, inch by inch, towards some immeasurable crevasse that she hadn't even known was in front of her.
"It's about healing, right?" Anna began to say, trusting the wine to help lubricate her tongue and say what she wanted to say. "But what we're really talking about is healing the wounds of the heart. These worn, dark, horrible things are like wounds. And all wounds need to be seen accurately, in their entirety, before they can be healed."
Elsa tilted her head. The firelight was generous and lovely on her pale skin. "Go on," she murmured.
"What we do to each other, what we do to the world, these are all a form of heartbreak. This is a wound. But all wounds can be healed. Maybe hearts break open only to reveal the wisdom that was there all along. A wisdom that says that every wound has its medicine. And the best medicine is one that not only heals the wound, but heals the person holding the wound. God, am I even making sense?"
"I think so," Elsa said. "Like considering the wound as separate from the person is dishonest."
"Exactly. Because we're all connected, far more than most of us can ever realize. And the best medicine, as corny as it sounds, is simply love. Love for oneself, first and foremost. Love for one's dreams. Love for family and friends. And love for everything else. A person does not injure or hurt that which he loves. The world… the whole world would benefit from just a little more love."
Quiet now, broken only by the crackling and hissing of the flames in the hearth before them. Anna continued to feel this strange widening of her soul, as it tiptoed towards something as vast and infinite as the cosmos itself.
She had rarely had the chance for such philosophical discussions; her mind too often revolved around the simplest of impulses: get up, hold it together while her students used the space she provided to vent their own frustrations and fears, take a walk (with her mask on, of course), eat some food, go to bed. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Elsa was looking at her, waiting for some sign.
Anna finally exhaled, long and soft.
"And do you love yourself, Anna?" she asked. "Forgive me for being so bold, but I must know."
"I am the love of my life," Anna replied in all sincerity. "My bond with myself has never been this true, this strong. I don't need anyone to complete me. I am magnificently, imperfectly whole."
Elsa seemed to lean back slightly, once again twirling the stem of the wine glass in her fingers. She studied Anna as if Anna were some work of art, enigmatic and inscrutable, like the Mona Lisa. No one had ever looked at Anna that way.
No one had ever noticed her like this before. It was… intoxicating.
Something passed behind her eyes; Elsa turned to set down her nearly empty glass of wine, and then she leaned forward. "May I touch your face again, Anna?" she asked.
"Yes."
They shuffled towards each other and Elsa slipped her leg underneath Anna's as she drew close.
Elsa then lifted her fingers, somehow still cool, and she touched Anna's brows, tracing each of them in a symmetrical motion. Those fingers dipped down, now following the curve of Anna's cheeks, and then the strong line of Anna's jaw.
Then Elsa held her there on her chin, her blue eyes now desolate and yearning and proud.
Without any notice, without any hesitation, her mouth descended, and she kissed Anna.
…
Anna felt Elsa's lips on hers; soft, firm, luscious. Elsa's cool fingers on her face, now sliding back to hold her in place as the kiss continued. Perhaps it was meant to be a short kiss, as many first kisses turned out to be, for Anna felt Elsa beginning to pull away; Anna lifted her hands and plunged them into the silver waterfall that was Elsa's hair and held her in place as she kissed Elsa back.
Elsa made a surprised and endearing little mew of sound as Anna held the nape of her neck, stroking her as their lips began to move against each other, slowly at first, then in increasing fervour and momentum. Elsa lifted her lips only to breathe, she sighed a soft and lovely, "Oh, Anna," and then tilted Anna's mouth and captured her lips again, this time with a hunger that was unmistakable.
Anna felt her entire body thrumming in response; she curled one ankle around Elsa's legs as she pulled the blonde even closer to her, now feeling the magnificence of Elsa's breasts pressed against her own. She ran her tongue over Elsa's lips and felt Elsa part them, she boldly touched the tip of Elsa's tongue with her own; Elsa made another beautiful sound of utmost hunger and enjoyment; then Elsa put her hand between Anna's shoulder blades, using it to pull Anna even closer to her. Crushed against each other, legs thoroughly tangled, kissing each other again and again, stealing sips of breath in between these fevered presses of lips, teeth, tongues… Anna's entire Universe was rearranging itself with each and every beautiful kiss.
By some mutual accord that predates history, both women kissed each other one final time and then parted, to look at each other in the glow of the fire. Anna knew that she was hooked; she wanted Elsa in her life, in her heart, in her soul, for as long a time as Life would allow them.
Elsa tilted her head and smiled, stroking Anna's cheek one more time before leaning back and taking Anna's hand to hold. "That was even better than I have been imagining all day," Elsa said quietly. "Anna, am I the first to tell you that you are a remarkably good kisser?" Her hands were still somehow cool, her fingers long and precious; Anna was glad to interlace her fingers with Elsa's and hold her in return.
"You are not the first," Anna replied, thinking in her mind, but will you be the last? "But Elsa, you are rather remarkable as well." Anna lifted her free hand to put over her heart; it was beating like a falcon taking flight. "I… I'm very turned on."
"I'm glad to hear it," Elsa replied, her voice husky. "I might even admit that was my intent. Anna…"
"Just kiss me again, please?" Anna asked, leaning forward.
Elsa hungrily met her there, over their joined hands, met her in yet another fervent kiss, slower and more decadent this time, as they learned more about each other, about their breath, their lips, the soft click of teeth as they tilted and kissed and kissed again. Elsa's hand began to slip down Anna's neck and shoulder; Anna knew exactly where that hand was going, and she wanted it there, there on the triumphant tip of her breast...
That was when Elsa's phone began to ring.
Elsa reluctantly pulled herself away; her breath bright and delirious, her eyes hooded and dark with arousal, she looked intensely at Anna before answering the phone with a quick spate of Czech.
Anna slumped against the couch, trying to get her galloping heartbeat under control, still tasting Elsa on her lips, wondering how she had gone her entire life without this, and wondering why they had wasted precious time talking when they could have been kissing!
Elsa hung up the phone. She touched Anna's cheek and quickly pecked her on the lips. "The pizza is here," she said, rather unnecessarily. "I'll be right back."
Anna nodded, and watched as Elsa sinuously extricated herself from under the blanket, taking long and confident steps towards the stairs and down, out of Anna's sight.
Only then did Anna blow out a long and slow exhale.
Her arousal was raging hot and fierce, that sweet spot below her lungs was aching and sighing and expectant. God, no other girl had ever made her feel quite like this! Like she was a masterpiece worth studying, like she was a goddess made flesh, like she was an unknown city and country to be thoroughly mapped and explored...
Anna quickly downed the last swallow of wine in her glass, noticing that the bottle was now empty. She sat up on the couch and adjusted the blanket, listening for any sound of Elsa.
A couple minutes later she heard the front door close, the little chime that was the security being turned on again, and then Elsa's footsteps back up the stairs. Elsa was taking off her face mask as she came up the stairs. "Stay where you are, you look comfortable," she said. "I'll bring some plates and napkins. More wine?"
"Should I say no?" Anna asked.
"I would say yes, but I don't want you to feel pressured."
"Sure, if you have some nearby."
"I have my own private stores. Be right back." Elsa dropped the pizza on her side table and then disappeared into her kitchen. Anna heard some general bustling about, and then Elsa returned with plates and napkins and another bottle of wine tucked under her arm. She sat down on the couch and handed Anna the plates. "I guess it's a good thing that pizza came," Elsa said, also taking a moment to refresh the wood on the fire. "I find you… extremely kissable."
"No rush. I'm not going anywhere. We have all the time in the world," Anna said, watching Elsa put a slice of each kind of pizza on the plates.
When Elsa sat down again, rearranging herself under the blankets, she seemed to be lost in thought. Anna decided to tuck into the pizza, in case Elsa needed time to say something. She found Elsa's leg under the blanket, wrapped her own leg around it, and continued to eat. A moment later, Elsa also began to eat.
"Music?" Elsa asked between bites.
"Sure."
"What's your fancy?"
"Surprise me."
"Hey Google," Elsa called out again, and the smart home system came to life. "Play Spotify playlist Norah Jones radio." A moment later the chewy, warm voice of the jazz singer suffused the room.
"Excellent choice," Anna said. They ate in somewhat tense silence; Anna's elated mind kept spinning a dozen, nay, a hundred different scenarios of fantasy and bliss, only to have the Anna of now who was a practiced meditator bring all those dreams back down to roost, telling them sweetly, calmly, all in good time, all in good time.
When the pizza had been eaten, and another glass of wine drunk, and various bits of small talk about pizza experiences exchanged, both women relaxed back into the couch cushions, their legs still tangled, the fire still bathing them in warm tones of light and warmth.
Now that their hands were no longer occupied, they held hands again. Anna, daring greatly, decided to shuffle close to Elsa and rest on her shoulder. She felt Elsa wrap her arm around her, holding her close. "Oh, Anna," Elsa breathed again, squeezing Anna's hand. "You feel so good next to me…"
"From the moment I saw you and thought Hans may be an asshole but he has excellent taste in women, I wondered, Elsa… I wondered and I imagined us like this."
"Did you imagine more?" Elsa quietly asked. Her thumb was stroking Anna's hand. Her other hand slid up Anna's arm, until she encountered one of Anna's braids; she lifted that braid aside and then bent down to kiss Anna's neck.
Anna's entire body cascaded in a momentous shiver, displacing her now and forever. Her senses increasingly muddled as Elsa kissed yet another part of her neck, Anna told the truth, saying, "No, I didn't imagine more, Elsa. I may want more, but in its own time, in its own way. I've wanted to kiss you ever since you helped me regain my balance after slipping on the ice this afternoon…"
"I hope I have not disappointed you," Elsa purred. "Such sparks I felt flying between us, Anna! I was determined to bring you home. And, as you see, I have." She kissed Anna's neck again.
"Am I to be a one-night stand, Elsa?" Anna asked, her heart fluttering with a tinge of anger. Was this part of Elsa's character, to just assume that she could always get what she wanted?
"Why not?" Elsa whispered. "We're both adults. We're both attracted to each other… I can imagine that you would be… forgive me… fantastic between the sheets."
Anna fought through the fog of arousal and warmth and quite literally pulled herself away from Elsa, twisting until she could see the other woman. Elsa's eyes had gone wide, and soft, and confused.
And a little wary, and guarded, as well.
"Elsa," Anna said gently. "I don't have one-night stands." Her heart started to break as she saw Elsa's body stiffen and withdraw. "It's just… not me. Believe me, I don't think that commitment has to last a lifetime. But I want to be at least a chapter in someone's book, not a line or a paragraph. Even if a relationship only lasts a month or two, I prefer it to a single sexual encounter." Elsa's face was falling, and there was a hint of shame in her features.
Shame that Anna could not bear to see. She lifted her hand and held Elsa's cheek. "I find you enchanting, Elsa Makova. I want to hear your stories, I want to see your art, I want to be let into the soft dark places of your heart, just as I want to let you into mine. I want to know you. I'm not asking you to commit to me right this moment, this isn't a fairy tale. We won't be carving our initials on tree trunks after one date." Anna blushed. "I guess what I'm asking is, would you date me? Can we see where this could lead? We both know that … um… more will happen rather organically."
Elsa was looking at her with such a complex expression on her face that Anna couldn't interpret it. Her heart bathed in a sudden ice wash of fear, she said in a rush, "I'm sorry, Elsa. I just want to be honest with you. I want more, but just not tonight."
"You don't have to be sorry," Elsa said. "I'm the one who is sorry."
"Why? What reason do you have to be sorry?"
"Because I'm leaving for Bali in three days."
…
Author's Note: Dear readers, for those who are new to my writing, my name is Jen. I'm a Canadian who is now an English teacher in Prague (surprise surprise). I wanted to bring you these stories to share a portion of my life with you, to give you a little dose of hope amidst the storm that has been this pandemic, and to bring myself joy (writing this story has been incredibly fun for me). These thoughts are my thoughts. Living my lockdown life in Prague has taught me to love myself, deeply and fiercely, and to believe, with no hint of irony or sarcasm, that love can heal all sorts of wounds. I hope this little story of mine has brought you a sliver of satisfaction. If you have read The Weight of Snow, you'll be happy to know that I am working on the sequel, and hope to start sharing it with you later this summer. If any part of this story has touched you, please send me some love in return. From my cheerfully pessimistic yet hopeful heart to yours. - Jen