Chapter 2: The Cracks Grow

Nesta

Nyx let out a delighted squeal of laughter as Cassian chased him through the garden behind the river house. The boy's wings flared as he leapt over a bush, his starlight-blue eyes alight with mischief as Cassian came barreling after him.

"Nice maneuver kid!" Cassian boomed with pride as Nyx continued to evade him. Nesta watched from a nearby bench, a small smile on her face as her mate and her nephew played. Rhys and Feyre were gone on a political trip to the Summer Court and had asked Cassian and Nesta to watch over Nyx until they returned.

They were both more than happy to do it. They adored Nyx, adored spending time with him. He was their bright future, a reminder of the payoff of all the pain and sacrifice they had endured to secure a peaceful world for him and others to grow up in.

That, and he was just a great kid.

Cassian pounced, reaching for Nyx's wings, and Nyx twisted, swatting Cassian's hands away before diving into a roll that got him far away from his uncle.

"Good!" Cassian grinned. "Protect your wings at all costs!"

Nyx sprinted over to Nesta and hid behind her, clutching at her shoulders and shaking with glee.

"Aunt Nesta is a safe place! You can't get me here!"

Cassian emerged from the garden, a wicked smile on his face as he stalked them. Cassian's games with Nyx, while fun for both, were often barely concealed training. Of course, they did real training as well, had started when Nyx turned 8, but this was the more enjoyable option.

"Your aunt can't protect you forever," Cassian smirked.

"Oh yes I can," Nesta shot back, putting a protective hand over one of Nyx's. "You will not lay a finger on my brave warrior, Illyrian."

It was part of the game, of course, but Nesta meant every word. She would protect Nyx till her dying breath, with everything she had left in her, she just hoped the boy knew that.

"Lady Death," Cassian swept into a dramatic bow, and Nyx giggled in Nesta's ear.

"Get him, now!" she hissed to Nyx, and he leapt out from behind her, tackling Cassian to the ground. Cassian's deep, rich laughter filled the air as he half-heartedly wrestled Nyx back, and Nesta let out a laugh of her own as she watched.

If only it could be like this all the time. Cassian rarely laughed like that anymore, and his smiles were becoming more and more rare. She missed her swaggering general, but whenever she went to ask him what was wrong, the words just never seemed to come out.

"Hey, why don't you grab some water kid," Cassian ruffled Nyx's hair, and Nyx nodded, bounding off to a nearby table where a water station was set up. Cassian brushed himself off as he stood, giving Nesta a sly look.

Nesta felt a twinge of lust in her core as she met his gaze, but then Cassian's look shifted, making her go cold. It was longing, but not for sex.

Nesta knew Cassian wanted children of their own one day, knew how important it was to him to be a father. But she couldn't give that to him, not yet. It's not that she didn't want to have children with Cassian, she had changed her anatomy to be able to safely deliver an Illyrian child for the Mother's sake, but every time she imagined herself pregnant it sent a chill up her spine.

Cassian never pushed her about it, never pressured her, but she often saw that look in his eyes when they were with Nyx, making her stomach writhe with guilt. She just wasn't ready. She needed more time.

Cassian

Cassian forced himself to stop imagining Nesta with their child in her lap and walked up to Nyx, getting some water for her and bringing it over. She took it with a strained smile, taking a sip.

"Uncle Cas?" Nyx asked, and Cassian turned to him. "When I'm older, can I be a general like you?"

Cassian and Nesta exchanged a look.

"Maybe," Cassian shrugged, "but probably not. Unless your mom and dad decide to have more kids, you'll probably inherit their power and become High King one day."

Nyx looked troubled by this.

"If they have other kids though, I could become the general?"

"Sure, if you put your mind to it, you can take over for me when I retire."

Nesta tutted and walked up to Nyx.

"Don't worry so much about what you will be Nyx," she smoothed some dark hair out of his face, "just focus on what you are right now, which is a little boy."

Nyx made a face at her before a mischievous grin spread over his face. The look reminded Cassian so much of Rhys it nearly knocked the wind out of him, and he resisted the urge to pull the boy into a hug. His brother, back before the responsibilities of his title crippled that smile forever, looked just like that when he was young. Cassian looked at Nesta and saw her frowning at Nyx, and Cassian felt a tension in his neck.

He wondered if she was also seeing Rhys on their nephew's face, and it didn't give her the same feelings of affection it did for him.

Nesta and Rhys got a long much better than they used to, but they still didn't particularly like each other. For Feyre and Cassian's sake, they kept the peace for the most part, but the tension was still there. It hurt Cassian more than he was willing to admit to her that they didn't get along, that they likely never would.

Nyx grabbed both their hands and started to drag them towards the house, interrupting Cassian's line of thought.

"Come on, I want to show you something!"

Nesta

Feyre and Rhys returned that night after Nyx was already in bed. Feyre swept into the river house, flushed with the warm glow of the Summer Court, and hugged Nesta tightly. Nesta patted her on the back in return, bemused.

"Good trip?" Nesta asked, and Feyre pulled back, beaming.

"Just perfect! Tarquin's wife is pregnant!"

"Oh, how wonderful for them," Nesta commented, trying not to glance at Cassian.

Great, another couple having a child.

"He must be excited," Cassian grinned, clapping Rhys on the shoulder. Rhys smiled airily.

"Couldn't be more happy." He looked between Cassian and Nesta, his gaze finally landing on Nesta. "Everything go well here? No problems with Nyx?"

Nesta bristled. Of course there were no problems with Nyx, otherwise they would have sent word. Why did he still not believe she was capable of looking after his son after all these years?

"Nyx was fine," she said coldly, unable to check her tone before the words came out of her. Rhys raised an eyebrow.

"Good, I'll go check on him." His voice was calm, but there was something simmering behind those violet eyes.

"Why? Need to see for yourself I didn't let him walk into a den of wolves?"

"Nesta…" Feyre sighed. "We just missed him, that's all."

Nesta's eyes flashed to her younger sister, and Rhys barely managed to not roll his own eyes before walking past Nesta dismissively and heading up the grand stairs.

"Well," Cassian put a hand on Nesta's shoulder just as Nesta opened her mouth to speak, "we will leave you to it. See you later my queen." He gave Feyre a mocking bow, which made her laugh, before gently guiding Nesta away.

Nesta glanced at him as they walked outside. Cassian wasn't exactly a subtle male, he had clearly wanted to get her away from her sister before a fight broke out. He didn't seem upset with her though, and she relaxed slightly as they left the house.

Cassian

Of course he was upset with her. Rhys hadn't meant anything by his comment, but Nesta had taken it completely the wrong way, and had been about to take it out on Feyre, again. Thank the Mother Rhys just let moments like that go these days, otherwise they would never stop being at each other's throats.

When they got outside, Cassian took Nesta into his arms before launching into the air to take them home.

All Cassian wanted to do was spend an evening catching up with Feyre and Rhys, to make his brother smile and hear Feyre's lovely laugh again. He didn't even really care about what they talked about, what boring political nonsense they had to tell him from the Summer Court, he had just wanted to talk to them...to talk with anyone.

But he knew that wasn't possible the second Nesta's mood had changed, knew he had to remove her from the situation before things only got worse. Years of experience told him that Feyre would have continued to try and smooth things over, and that would only have angered Nesta further, resulting in more harsh words exchanged.

It just wasn't worth it anymore.

They reached the House and Cassian gently set Nesta down. Straightening her dress, she strode purposefully into the dining room away from him. Cassian frowned, following after.

"Hey," he reached for her hand, stopping her. "Why don't we just relax for a little bit, maybe talk?"

Nesta arched an eyebrow at him.

"What do you want to talk about?" she asked icily. Her guard was still up.

Cassian shrugged, running a hand through his hair.

"Nothing specific, just wanted to spend some time with you, that's all."

Nesta's defenses fell, and she offered him a smile, which made his heart speed up in his chest.

"Alright."

They did not end up talking. In one of the House's sitting rooms, Nesta had joined Cassian there with a book in hand and had proceeded to curl up next to him on a sofa and start to read. Cassian felt a crushing weight on his chest as he wrapped an arm around her.

This is not what he had meant. He specifically said he wanted to talk, why had she brought a damn book?

"I was thinking, there is a match in a few days down in the city," Cassian began. "Maybe we can go? Azriel and Amren's teams are playing against each other, so we can try to convince them to come along. Should be funny seeing them get into it."

Nesta gave him a confused look.

"You know I don't care about sports," she said idly, returning to her book. Cassian, deflated, fell silent. But after a few minutes he tried again.

"Helion's general accepted my invitation to train some of their new troops next month. Apparently some of his inventors came up with a new weapon, but they are having a little trouble developing tactics for it. He is hoping I'll be able to figure out something for them, in return the Night Court gets access to the weapon of course. I brokered the deal myself."

"That's great." Nesta patted him on the knee, and Cassian noted that her eyes never stopped moving back and forth across the page while he had spoken. She wasn't even listening.

"Would you like to come with me?"

"Where?"

"To the Day Court."

Nesta finally looked up, a distasteful look on her face.

"So Helion can try to convince us to join him in bed again? No thank you."

Cassian clenched his jaw in frustration.

"Helion hasn't made a pass at either of us in years."

But Nesta wasn't listening again, and Cassian had enough. He stood up abruptly.

"I'm gonna head out, see what Mor and Emerie are up to tonight. Maybe they want to go out."

"No," Nesta said sharply, and Cassian looked down at her, confused.

"Why not?"

"You don't need to be bothering them Cassian, they don't exist for your entertainment," was all she said. Anger flared in Cassian's chest, and he stormed away. As soon as he cleared the room and was in the hall, he sagged against the wall breathing hard.

Why was it like this? Why couldn't she just talk to him? Why was something as simple as spending an evening with his mate that wasn't about sex so hard?

Tears pricked at his eyes, and he wiped them away slowly, surprised at their appearance. Staring at the slight moisture on his hands, a horrible realization hit him.

By the cauldron, he was lonely. He was so lonely it was suffocating him. Isolation had crept into his life, separating him from his friends, his family, and he couldn't quite put his finger on when it had happened.

They were all mated and settled down, so of course the original inner circle was spending less time together than they had for the previous 500 years, but this was different. He rarely saw them anymore, rarely spent time with the people he loved most and his mate...he couldn't even remember the last time they had a real conversation, had spent time together alone where they weren't having sex that hadn't left him feeling empty inside.

Cassian hadn't felt this alone since...since he was a boy in Windhaven, sleeping in a tent on the edge of civilization, struggling every day to survive, no one caring if he lived or died.

No one was reaching out for him now, no one seemed to see how miserable he was. He was alone, completely and utterly alone.

Nesta

Nesta snapped her book shut, frustrated. She couldn't let Cassian bother Mor and Emerie, not tonight anyway. Emerie had a very special evening planned for her mate, and if Cassian barged in on it...well, all three of them would likely end up traumatized for a very long time.

Rubbing her forehead, Nesta felt angry tears springing into her eyes. Why was Cassian acting like this, talking to her about random shit he knew she didn't care about? Why couldn't he just enjoy sitting together, just being in each other's company?

It wasn't fair, she thought to herself, it wasn't fair that he was expecting her to change. That's what this was, wasn't it? They had been together for ten years now, he knew who she was when he had fallen in love with her, why did he suddenly want her to be someone she wasn't?

Cassian wasn't Emerie or Gwyn, their relationship wasn't one where they could just sit down together and talk about nothing for hours. What would they even talk about anyway? She didn't want to talk to him about sports, or other court's armies, or the Illyrians, or his brothers, or whatever random thing he wanted to ramble on about.

Why, after all these years, was she not enough for him? She was trying, by the Mother she was trying to be a good person, a better person, to be someone worthy of him, but what did this have to do with being good? She hadn't been mean, she hadn't lashed out, why had he gotten upset?

Nesta curled up in a ball on the couch, clutching her book to her chest, a cold pit opening up in her stomach.

Mating bond or not, maybe she would never be enough for him, no matter how hard she tried, and that was not fair.