The following chapter is where Filbert tells Ed the story of how Filbert tries to help Heffer get laid at a Christmas singles party. In Filbert's story, Heffer and Rocko hang out with Elkie, the female elk, and Alicia, the female kangaroo. Filbert monitors Heffer through the camera view of Heffer's "Z-Eyes." George Wolfe, the overweight, chain-smoking alcoholic, is going to start arguing with Virginia over stupid decisions their kids, Peter and Cindy, are making.
Chapter 2 - Filbert's First Story: Christmas Party Animals
*On a Christmas Eve, Heffer is at his bedroom preparing to put on a tie to wear to a Christmas singles party, while Filbert starts monitoring Heffer through his "Z-Eyes." Suddenly, Heffer hears a knock on his bedroom door.*
Heffer Wolfe: Yes, what's up?
Virginia Wolfe: How's it going in there, Heffer? Do you need any help?
Heffer: No thanks, mom. I got it all under control.
Virginia: Okay, Heffer, please text me if you need any help getting ready for the Christmas party.
Heffer: No problem, mom?
*Heffer picks up two ties, one with stripes and the other with polka dots, and looks at them with his "Z-Eyes."*
Heffer: Which of these ties would fit me better?
Filbert: Don't ask me, Heffer. Just please pick one, would you?
Heffer: I guess I will just go with the one with stripes. The stripes sure have Christmas colors, red and green.
Filbert: That's fine with me. Now, please look in your bedroom mirror, so I can make sure you tie your tie right.
Heffer: No problem, Filbert.
*Heffer looks in the mirror, and ends up tying his tie wrong.* Heffer: How does this tie look, Filbert?
Filbert: Geez, Heffer. You look like a hobo. Now try the fuck again! Heffer: Geez, Filbert, you don't have to yell.
Virginia (knocking on the door): Is everything alright, Heffer?
Heffer: Everything is fine, mom.
*Suddenly, Virginia hears a loud, abusive voice from Heffer's stepdad, George Wolfe.*
George Wolfe (yelling): Dammit, Virginia!
Virginia: Oh dear, what did I do wrong?
*Heffer overhears his stepparents, George and Virginia, fighting over Heffer's stepbrother, Peter, and Heffer's stepsister, Cindy, making decisions George does not approve of.*
Filbert: Don't mind them, Heffer. Just please focus on getting ready for the Christmas party.
*A few minutes later, Heffer ties his tie for the umpteenth time.*
Heffer: How's this, Filbert?
Filbert: That's fine, Heffer. Now, please hurry up and get out the door. Rocko is waiting to give you a ride in his car.
Heffer: No problem, Filbert.
*Heffer leaves his bedroom and notices everyone in his family yelling and cussing in the living room, especially with George drinking beer and smoking cigarettes.*
George (yelling): No son of mine is going to show up at a stupid ballet dressed up in a bitch-ass fairy outfit, and no daughter of mine is going out on a date with that teenage punk to the fucking movies.
Virginia: But, George, there's nothing wrong with our son, Peter, going to the Drag Queen Nutcracker ballet dressed as a fairy princess, and there's nothing wrong with Cindy going out on a movie date on Christmas Eve. It's just as long as everyone in this family is home on Christmas Day tomorrow.
George (yelling): It makes me fucking sick to my stomach see a boy dressed as a girl, and I have no time to end up with a grandchild from Cindy.
Virginia: But, Cindy will be home tonight, and so will Peter. Why don't you come with me to the ballet, while Cindy goes out on that date?
George (yelling): Fuck ballets! They're boring as shit! And I want Cindy to stay home and wipe that shitty make-up off her face! And I want Peter to stay home in man clothes, and do some man things!
Peter: Come on, dad! There's nothing wrong with me showing up to the Drag Queen Nutcracker ballet dressed as the Sugar Plum Fairy. If Virginia takes a video of me at the ballet, this video could go viral on Christmas Day tomorrow. I could become one of the most popular drag queens on TV and Internet media.
George: Don't speak unless you're spoken to, Peter! *George gulps down the rest of his can of beer.*
Cindy: Hey, don't yell at my brother and don't yell at me, dad. I just wanna go out on that movie date. I will text you, when I leave the movies.
*Grandpa Hiram Wolfe, the drug addict, snorts cocaine, interrupting the dysfunctional arguments.*
Grandpa Wolfe (being grumpy): You people should be getting along with each other better. Family brawls give me fucking heartburn!
*Heffer hears a ding on his smartphone. Then, he reads a text from Rocko that says "Hurry the fuck up, Heffer! We're running late for the Christmas party."*
Heffer: Um, guys.
George (yelling): What the fuck do you want, Heffer?!
Heffer: I have to go to the Christmas party, now. I will text you, when I get home tonight, dad.
George (yelling): Get the hell out of here, Heffer!
*Then, George opens another can of beer, and starts chugging from it. And then, starts smoking a cigarette.*
Heffer: Ok, love you, dad.
*Heffer leaves the house, without his stepdad, George, saying "I love you, too, son." Heffer walks to Rocko's car, and gets inside of it. Rocko and Heffer are dressed casually, and Alicia, the female kangaroo and mail carrier, wears a short formal dress*
Heffer: Sorry to be running late, Rocko. There was a brawl in the family.
Rocko: That's ok, Heffer. We will make it to the party on time. We got my date, Alicia, with us. Alicia, this is Heffer. Heffer, this is Alicia.
*Heffer and Alicia greet and shake hands with each other.*
*Later, Rocko parks his car in front of a black gate, guarding a big, luxurious mansion with Christmas lights and decorations. Then, Rocko presses the call button on the voice box.*
Security guard (talking from voice box): Please provide your identification.
Rocko: This is Rocko Rama. I have my date, Alicia, and my friend, Heffer Wolfe. I believe we are on the guest list.
Security guard: Let me check...Alright, I will open the gate for you all, and Merry Christmas.
Rocko: Thank you, sir, and Merry Christmas.
*The black gate opens, and Rocko drives his buddies to a parking space at a small parking lot, located on the left side of the big house. Rocko parks his car in the parking space, and he and his buddies step out of the car. They all walk to the front entrance, and Rocko rings the doorbell. The party host in a tuxedo opens the front door.*
Host: Come on in! Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays!
*Heffer and his buddies walk into the Christmas singles party, and suddenly hear some obscure '80s pop music. Then, they all go to an open bar, and meet a bartender.*
Bartender: Merry Christmas! Welcome to the party! What will it be, guys? Heffer: I will have an extra large mug of Polar Bear Ale.
Rocko: And I will have a pint of Blue Shark Stout.
Alicia: And I will have a glass of Pink Flamingo Sparkling Wine. Bartender: Coming right up!
*The bartender serves the three alcoholic beverages, and gives one to each of the three guests.*
Bartender: Thank you, and enjoy! Please drink responsibly, and Merry Christmas! Heffer & friends: Merry Christmas!
*Heffer and his buddies all walk to the crowd, and suddenly, Heffer starts hearing Filbert through his "Z-Eyes."*
Filbert: Heffer, have you found your date, yet?
Heffer: Not yet, Filbert. But, I believe Elkie is around somewhere.
Filbert: What kind of a species is she?
Heffer: She is a female elk I met the other day. My stepdad tried to make me eat her. Then, I stood up to him and told him Elkie is my date.
Filbert: Viewing from your "Z-Eyes," I believe Elkie is in front of your nose, holding a champagne glass of alcoholic Christmas punch.
Heffer: No problem, Filbert. Thanks. I will walk straight to her.
*Heffer walks towards the female elk, who he believes is Elkie.*
Heffer: Elkie?
Elkie: Hi, Heffer! Merry Christmas! It's been a long time since we have seen each other! Heffer: I know, right. It's great to see you again. I've been missing you.
Elkie: Hey, wanna go make out in the Super Secret Holiday Suite? Heffer: Super Secret Holiday Suite? Sounds fun to me!
Elkie: Follow me. This suite has some special champagne.
Heffer: Cool!
*Heffer chugs down the rest of his ale, and follows Elkie up the stairs to a hallway. Elkie uses her smartphone to raise a secret elevator from the hallway floor. Heffer and Elkie enter the elevator, and they ride it hundreds of feet deep into the exquisite holiday suite. Suddenly, they leave the elevator to enter the suite.*
Heffer: Cool! This the best holiday suite I've ever been to!
Elkie: Welcome aboard, Heffer! I will get us some of that special champagne!
*Elkie picks up the bottle of champagne, and uses a bottle opener to open the bottle. Then, she pours some champagne into two empty champagne glasses. Elkie takes a glass of champagne for herself, and passes the other glass to Heffer.*
Elkie: Cheers to our date, and cheers to a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Heffer: Cheers!
*Heffer and Elkie clings their glasses, and Heffer takes his first big sip. Elkie does not sip at all for some reason.*
Heffer: You know, Elkie. I've been thinking about you a lot. I'm thinking maybe I can move out of my dad's house, and move in to live with you. We could go to theme parks, casinos, and other fun places. We could get married someday and...
*Suddenly, Heffer coughs up blood, and starts hacking.* Heffer: I'm not *cough* feeling *cough* so well.
Elkie: Why don't you lay down on the bed?
*Heffer falls on the bed, and ends up coughing and hacking. Then, Elkie takes the unfinished bottle of champagne out of the bucket of ice and picks up a funnel. Finally, Elkie walks to Heffer.*
Heffer: Elkie! *cough* What are you *cough* trying to do to me? *hack*
Elkie (making an evil grin): Maybe you'd like a little more champagne, before our highway to hell!
*Elkie puts the funnel in Heffer's mouth, and Heffer shakes his head "no." Then, Elkie pours the rest of the champagne from the funnel into Heffer's throat, while Heffer screams in terror with his mouth closed. Finally, Heffer drops dead from the champagne poisoning.*
*Back in Filbert's office room at Filbert and Paula's house, Filbert notices Heffer's "Z-Eyes" close down on Filbert's computer screen.*
Filbert: Oh, fucking fish sticks! What the hell have I done to Heffer?
*Filbert looks at his FaceTime animal buddies on a flatscreen TV, and notices how upset they are to see Heffer get murdered online. Then, Filbert shuts off the TV, and puts his head down in front of the computer.*
Filbert (feeling upset): Oh, fucking fish sticks! I'm in deep cow shit! What the fuck am I going to tell Paula?
Dr. Paula Hutchison: Filbert, dinner's ready! Our kids are waiting for us!
Filbert: I will be there in just a minute. I just have to log off and shut off my computer.
*Filbert logs off and shuts off his computer, and leaves his office room. As Filbert walks his way to the dinner table, he keeps muttering with guilt.*
Filbert (muttering): Oh fish sticks! Fucking fish sticks! I'm guilty, guilty, guilty!
*Filbert sits at the table in front of Paula and the kids, and notices some take-out Chinese food.* Filbert: Chinese food on Christmas Eve?
Paula: Is that alright with you, Fil?
Filbert: I guess so.
Paula: Filbert, is everything all right? You look pale.
Filbert: I've just been busy getting work done on the computer. Now, let us all hold hands and say the Christmas blessing...Dear Holy Spirit, we are thankful for this dinner we're about to have, before we celebrate our Christmas Day together tomorrow. And may it all go great for this family and our generations yet to come. And I also wish us a Happy New Year. Amen.
*Later, Filbert and his family watch a Christmas special of a typical tv sitcom, and notices a breaking news flash interrupting the show.*
TV announcer: We interrupt this Christmas special with breaking news.
Newslady: Breaking news! There has been a murder at the Christmas mansion. The victim was Heffer Wolfe.
Filbert: Oh, fish sticks! Fish sticks!
Newslady: Heffer was murdered at the Super Secret Holiday Suite, and the O'Town police officers took Heffer out of the mansion to an ambulance. Suddenly, all the guests were escorted out of the mansion.
Rocko (sobbing in front of the news cameras): Heffer was a good friend of ours, and I am going to miss him.
*Then, there is another news scene where George and the Wolfe family stand outside their house.*
George (sobbing): Heffer was a good stepson of ours. *sob* I wish I would've said "I love you" back to him. And I didn't mean to yell at my whole family over our Christmas celebration issues.
Newslady: It has been reported that Elkie may have been involved in the situation with Heffer. Elkie mysterious disappeared from the holiday suite, without a trace, to an unknown location.
Filbert (sobbing): Oh fish sticks! I'm going to miss Heffer.
Paula: It's ok, Filbert. We will celebrate our Christmas Day tomorrow, before we go to Heffer's funeral.
*Then, Filbert's family scene fades back to the cabin scene with Ed and Filbert in it.*
Filbert: I did not know what I was thinking, when I tried to get Heffer laid. I never expected him to die from alcohol poisoning. Care for another glass of wine, Ed?
*Ed lifts his empty wine glass, and Filbert pours some wine from the bottle into the glass. Then, Ed sips his wine. Suddenly, Filbert hears a ding from the oven timer.*
Filbert: I think the potatoes are ready. And I will check on the turkey.
*Filbert notices the potatoes are ready, and pours the potatoes and boiling water through a strainer basket. Then, Filbert pours the potatoes from the strainer basket into a big silver bowl. Then, he uses a meat thermometer to check the turkey in the oven.*
Filbert: Our turkey is not ready yet. But while I mash the potatoes into the silver bowl, I will tell you a story about this past Christmas Day and the rest of the holiday break. On Christmas Day morning, my family and I got up to open the presents. Then, we, once again, turned on the living room tv and...
The next chapter will be Filbert's story about his past Christmas Day, a few years ago, and how Filbert and his family attended Heffer's funeral, the day after that Christmas Day.