Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of these fabulous characters. I do however own this story, I wrote it and I do NOTgive permission for anyone to post it anywhere else. If you want to share it post a link.
A/N: This will be at least 40,000 words of angst without any guarantee of a happy ending. You have been warned, read at your own risk.
The night Hotch turned 30 a 16 year old boy sat in his dorm room alone at Caltech unaware of the significance of the day, listening to the sound of the party going on in the ground floor common room of his House. He could go down there. Nobody would send him away or be mean about it but they were all very conscious that the whole house would be in trouble if they let the underaged genius drink or if one of the guests didn't realize how underage he was and was caught trying to persuade him to break the rules or anyone approached him sexually and the easiest way for them to protect him was to encourage him not to attend their parties.
There was little reason for him to go to the party anyway, the whole point other than drinking was to meet people or try to hookup. He wasn't old enough for the latter to be legal even if for some miracle someone was interested and strangers didn't tend to want to talk to him in social situations. But he had to admit that he was lonely and it did hurt when he was deliberately encouraged to exclude himself from parties and other social events.
Spencer Reid would've been surprised to find out that several members of the house felt uneasy about encouraging him to seclude himself and some of them missed him being there, not to be the but of their baby jokes but because they genuinely liked the younger boy. Spencer eventually finished what he was reading and fell asleep with one hand over his heart, dreaming of the day a name appeared to lead him to his soul mate. Wondering who the perfect person for him would be.
7 years later
"Our new team member starts today. I told him to come in at eight thirty," Gideon said casually to Hotch out of the blue, one Monday morning, oblivious to the shock and disapproval of his audience.
"Don't you think that hiring a new team member is a decision we should have made in consultation? That we should have interviewed the Agent together and made sure he was a good fit for the team?" Hotch asked frowning.
"Why? He's perfect, a certified genius. He'll be a huge asset to the team, and there was no time to waste. Cryptography and White Collar and Counterterrorism all wanted him. It was just lucky that I found him first and convinced him to use his gifts to benefit the BAU," Gideon replied.
"And exactly where did you find this supposedly perfect agent?" Hotch asked in resignation. He knew that there was no changing Gideon's mind once it was made up. "Please tell me you didn't fill our empty position with a trainee?"
"I found him when we did that lecture tour last year. At Caltech of all places," Gideon said enthusiastically. "He's not a trainee, he passed all the advanced profiling courses with flying colours, even independently solved a couple of the supposedly unsolvable cold cases they used as teaching aides. He's being brought in as a full agent."
"But he is a new Academy graduate? He will still need a training agent to support him while he adjusts to the BAU. Where did he work before?" Hotch asked irritated, knowing that Gideon would not be the one providing the new agent emotional support.
"He was a TA at Caltech. He had thee PhD's and bachelors degrees in psychology, criminal psychology and in abnormal psychology," Gideon replied.
"You're telling me he is an academic with no law enforcement experience? He will probably lose it during the first case and quit, if he doesn't do something so monumentally stupid to put the rest of the team in danger," Hotch said disbelievingly, reaching up to rub the bridge of his nose.
"If that happens then you can pick his replacement, but it won't. The kid is made for the BAU," Gideon said refusing to back down.
Aaron just walked away shaking his head.
-o0o-
Hotch decided that the team deserved to be warned before the agent arrived and called the team together. If nothing else it would give them time to vent before the agent arrived to overhear the conversation.
"Do we have a case?" JJ asked confused. She hadn't seen anything come across her desk that she thought needed the whole team.
"No case, hopefully we'll have at least a couple of days downtime. We're getting a new team member starting in about an hour. He's Gideon's choice and will probably need quite a lot of support as he hits the ground. They're green, but Gideon saw something special in them so please give them a chance," Hotch ordered.
"How green?" Brannon asked.
"Neon green. He just graduated from the academy last week with no prior law enforcement experience at all. He was previously an academic," Hotch admitted.
"So you're asking us to babysit him?" Morgan asked irritated.
"I'm expecting you all to make him welcome, keep him alive and try to support him until he finds his feet or decides to transfer to something more appropriate for his skills," Hotch replied.
"Does he have a name?" JJ asked.
"I'm sure they do but Gideon didn't think that detail was important enough to tell me," Hotch replied drolly. "To be honest I'm not even sure if it is a man or a woman, Gideon was so excited about their genius and their three PhDs and three psychology degrees that he didn't talk about anything else."
"How old is this guy?" Morgan exclaimed.
"Three PhDs and three degrees in psychology. Not three psychology PhDs?" Brannon asked in shock.
"I don't have the details but I think Gideon would have mentioned a PhD in psychology," Hotch replied.
"So in his forties at least. Do you know what made him change career so late in life?" JJ asked.
"Forty isn't late in life," Hotch replied amused.
"But it is a bit old to suddenly decide to become a federal agent if you're not already working in law enforcement or for the justice department," Morgan said.
The others nodded, and Hotch had to admit he agreed with Morgan too. He wondered what had motivated their new agent to make such a drastic change as to move clear across the country and join the FBI, and why he'd decided to become an agent rather than a consultant or analyst.
"When you get to know them a little you can ask why. Back to work," Hotch said.
He watched the others leave the briefing room and all head to the break room with resignation, very little actual work was likely to be done until the team had talked it over.
-o0o-
Aaron had to admit he was shocked when he saw Gideon showing a lanky young man around the BAU offices. He looked more like a teenager than someone who was old enough to join the FBI, let alone to have as many degrees as he did. Hotch realised that to have accomplished what he had at his age meant that his level of genius was extraordinary, a mind like that they could definitely benefit from but on the other side of the coin, the boy looked like he'd need protecting from his own shadow, and he definitely didn't have the life experience needed to build the type of emotional resiliency needed to cope with this job. He didn't even look like he could look after himself. Hotch wondered just how many waivers Gideon had had to organise to get this kid through the 'mandatory' physical training at the academy.
As they got closer, he realised one other thing about the young man. He was truly beautiful, if he hadn't been so awkward in his posture and movements, he'd look like a top runway model or a picture of an angel. He pushed down the sudden rush of desire, and was annoyed that this was just another reason the boy wasn't appropriate for the BAU. Beauty like that would make him a target of their unsubs, and probably a target of bullying in the local stations they worked out of.
"Hotch this is our new team member Dr Spencer Reid. Reid this is SAC Aaron Hotchner, team leader of the BAU," Gideon introduced.
Hotch stuttered, his brain completely shut down for a minute or two. This young man, almost still a boy, in front of him was his soul mate?! Over the last seven years he'd thought that he had come to accept that he had a soul mate other than Haley but he had hoped that he would never meet them. To be suddenly confronted with the reality, and to have felt an immediate attraction to them even before he found out who they were, was more than he'd been prepared for.
Thankfully, the manners long ingrained in him from his strict southern upbringing stood him in good stead. While his brain was still busy processing the shocked 'WTF!' his mouth had apparently made all the right motions to welcome their newest team member to the unit.
The young man stammered awkwardly at Hotch but as he watched Gideon introduce him to the rest of the team he realised that it was just his normal reaction to meeting strangers, there was no outward sign that the boy was attracted to Aaron. Reid didn't know they were soul mates, or course he didn't, he wouldn't find out until he turned thirty. Hotch felt a dizzying wave of something almost like disappointment that was quickly drowned out by relief. He didn't need to do or say anything to the young man, he had time to get to know him and decide how he wanted to proceed from here before telling him or deciding not to tell him. He just needed to avoid introducing him to either of the two people who knew the name of his soul mate, Haley and Dave Rossi.
Being his soul mate meant that Reid was supposedly his ideal romantic partner though Aaron still believed that Haley was perfect for him, but it didn't mean that the young man would manage to cope with being thrown from the world of academia into the horrors involved in working for the BAU though Gideon was right in that they could use someone with his intellect, reading speed, pattern recognition and knowledge if he did manage to survive his baptism of fire. Hotch couldn't decide whether he hoped the young man would cope with the psychological stressors of their caseload and become the asset that Gideon expected him to be or that he became one of the many young agents who decided that the BAU wasn't where they wanted to work and leave the FBI for a more lucrative career in the private sector or be transferred away from Quantico before Haley heard about him, he only hoped that the young man, his soul mate or not, wouldn't be too traumatised by the experience.
-o0o-
In spite of what had happened with his parents' marriage, and the fact he was still years too young to find out if he was one of the 50% of men to receive a soulmark telling him his soulmate's name, Spencer had always hoped that he would one day meet his soulmate. He was aware that his belief in soulmates being perfect companions for each other was probably driven by the romantic fifteenth century literature his mother had read to him over the years rather than reality. His soulmate who would fill the gaping hole of loneliness that he had felt all his life.
-o0o-
Spencer may be socially awkward but he was also a born profiler. He knew he was difficult for people to like, he irritated those around him and that even his fellow scientists found him frustrating and his new team only tolerated him and his rambling half the time because it was often useful during cases. He was well aware that his personality didn't attract friends or potential romantic partners but surely his soulmate would be different. They were going to be the one person in the world perfect for him, who would look past the awkwardness and truly see him, and would love and appreciate him just as he was. Be the someone with whom he didn't have to hide. To be the somewhere he was always welcomed. Who would share his passion for learning and enjoy listening to him ramble about the new things he had learned, and introduce him to new facts of their own. It saddened him that he had to wait to meet them but he remained hopeful with every new person he met they might be the one. He didn't talk about his hopes for a soulmate with anyone, he didn't want them to ridicule him for his rose coloured view of soul mates or remind him of the statistics of having and meeting his soul mate. He already knew all that and it wasn't as if he could ever forget it. He just desperately wanted to be one of the people that beat the odds because he couldn't imagine anyone other than his soul mate wanting to spend the rest of their lives with him.
All his life the thought of his soul mate had been a comfort for him. When he was bullied by his class mates he reassured himself that eventually he would have someone that would stand up for him and give him the strength to successfully stand up for himself. When he was humiliated by the football team he tried to believe there was someone who would be as appalled by their behaviour as he was and would make it feel alright. When fellow students refused his overtures of friendship he reminded himself that there was someone out there waiting to be his friend, and when pretty girls snubbed him he told himself that it didn't matter because his soul mate would find him attractive.
Spencer was pretty sure that his soul mate would be a man, and convinced that they would be at least slightly older than him since he had even less in common with people his own age than he did with older men. He wouldn't have minded even if his soulmate was nearly the whole thirty years older than him, in fact it gave him hope that he wouldn't have to wait until he turned thirty himself for his soul mate to find him.
-o0o-
Hotch stuck to his resolve of not telling Spencer that he was his soul mate for more than three months before he realised that in just under eight year's time if they were both still alive, his name would appear over Spencer Reid's heart, no matter what he did or didn't do in the meantime. Reid was doing very well as a profiler and fitting in with the team well, there was every chance he would still be in the FBI and potentially in the BAU when he turned thirty and that there was always the risk that he would be injured in a way that exposed his soul mark to at least one member of the team. He also realised that Reid would realise when the name appeared, from their age difference that Hotch would've known from the moment they met that Spencer was his soul mate and that the younger man would take Hotch's keeping quiet about it as a form of rejection. Which in fact it was, though it wasn't personal, Aaron didn't want to throw away fifteen years of marriage and leave Haley for this young man-child, no matter how beautiful and brilliant he found him even if the skin on his chest said that Spencer was his soul mate. He wanted a life with the woman he loved, a family. However, if Reid was still part of his team by the time he turned thirty and it was looking increasingly possible, then it would destroy their working relationship if he found out as his soul mark appeared and Hotch hadn't warned him and the longer he put it off the worse Reid's hurt would be. Aaron was convinced that the sooner he told the young agent the less the emotional fallout would be, but even after resolving to tell him it took several more weeks before he found the opportunity and the motivation to actually do so.
-o0o-
Spencer was surprised when Hotch stopped by his desk at the end of the day on a Friday afternoon before their mandatory weekend off. They'd been away on cases the last two weekends in a row and had arrived back that morning to finish their case reports before leaving. It surprised Spencer that Hotch came down to his desk rather than calling from the raised walkway near his office or calling him on the phone, but what really confused him was how uncertain his unit chief looked and sounded. He'd never imagined that Hotch could be insecure about anything much less anything related to himself.
"Reid, can we talk?" Hotch asked.
"Sure, just let me drop this off and I'll meet you in your office," Spencer replied signing his report and closing it to give to Gideon to look over.
"I thought I could offer you a ride home, you didn't drive your car in today, did you?" Aaron replied.
"Something you don't want to say here in the office?" Spencer profiled frowning.
"Yes," Aaron said tightly.
"Okay then. It will be good not having to deal with the metro on a Friday night but I live in DC, it's well out of your way," Spencer agreed warily. Spencer had been attracted to the older man at first sight and had been disappointed to learn that Hotch was married. He would never want to do anything to harm his bosses marriage but he did hope they could become better friends instead of just friendly work colleagues but the stress in the older man's voice hinted that whatever he had to say would be difficult or unwelcome. It certainly wasn't the casual overture of a work colleague wanting to move their work relationship from cordial to friendly or from friendly to friends.
"You catch the metro every day?" Hotch asked surprised. He knew the younger agent was cleared to drive the agency vehicles and he was shocked that the germ phobic, touch avoidant agent was prepared to deal with the close proximity of strangers for hours every day on the metro.
"Unless we're called in before it starts running of a morning, it's quicker than driving most of the time and I don't mind it, especially in the winter. I'm still not used to driving in snow and ice," Spencer replied.
"I would have thought you'd like to live near Georgetown," Aaron commented.
"I would if I could afford it," Spencer admitted.
Aaron frowned. The Bureau paid fairly well and he'd heard Reid had mention that he didn't have any college debts so he should have been able to easily afford to rent an apartment in Georgetown. He wondered why he felt he couldn't.
Spencer had gathered his things while Aaron was wool-gathering. "I'm ready to go," he said quietly.
Aaron started to head towards the lifts.
"Don't you want to take your briefcase home tonight?" Spencer asked, starting to worry. He'd never seen the unit chief leave or arrive without it.
"Oh! Yes. Excuse me a moment," Aaron said hurrying up the steps to his office. Spencer watched him go, too concerned to even appreciate the sight of Aaron's well tailored slacks hugging his bum as he climbed the stairs.
They arrived in the car and Spencer buckled up tightly. "Are you sure you don't want to just tell me what has you so distracted before you try to drive? It might be safer," he asked trying to sound like he was joking.
"I don't think it will help," Aaron muttered.
"Hotch. What's wrong? Are you trying to fire me? Asking me to resign? Have I done something wrong?" Spencer asked.
"Do you want to resign or be transferred?" Aaron asked.
"No!" Spencer exclaimed, sadly. "But I will if you really want me to. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. I have other options." It would break his heart to leave the team when he'd finally found a place he felt he belonged doing work he found fascinating and rewarding but he knew that he could easily find work in academia or in the private sector that would pay far better than the Bureau and ease the strain of paying for his mother's care, and he knew that he wouldn't feel comfortable staying if he knew Hotch or the rest of the team wanted him to leave. Hotch especially.
"No I don't want you to resign. You've settled into the team fairly well and done some incredible work. You're an asset to this team and I enjoy your company," Aaron said.
"Hotch. You're married. Please tell me you're not hitting on me," Spencer begged, blushing. As much as he was very attracted to his boss, he wasn't willing to begin an affair with a married man which would end both their careers if discovered, and he'd rather wait for his soul mate and potentially spend his life alone than be someone's bit on the side for a while. He was realistic enough to know that a relationship that required that much secrecy would be doomed from the start.
Aaron blushed. "You're right I love my wife and she's expecting our first child, though please don't tell the others that it's still very early in her pregnancy and we're not ready to announce it yet. I'm not hitting on you or looking for a romantic or sexual relationship. I think that we work well together as colleagues and have the potential to become genuine friends, but there is something I need to tell you. Something that you deserve to know before we become friends or anything else, I really should have told you before this, I'm sorry that I haven't," He loosened his tie and started unbuttoning his shirt.
"Hotch?" Spencer asked shakily.
"Reid, Spencer... you are my soul mate," Aaron said, showing him the name written over his heart.
"You're serious?" Spencer began to hyperventilate.
Aaron bared his chest revealing the name and cupped Reid's chin turning his head to see it. "I'm sorry but yes, your name is written on my chest, but I'm sorry as you know I'm already in a relationship and I won't give Haley up for you or anyone. I had hoped that I would never meet my soulmate. I can't offer you a relationship. I love Haley with all that I am and I won't do anything to hurt her but you have a right to know, and a right to at least find out in private and not because I've been injured and one of the team accidentally sees my chest. I don't expect anything from you. I just realised that if I didn't tell you I would be lying to you by omission, and that's not fair to you. No matter how well we work together or how strong our friendship becomes, if I hadn't told you before you turned thirty you would feel betrayed and the longer I waited to tell you the harder it would become to say anything and the more you would be hurt by not having been told sooner. It's up to you if you tell anyone though I would prefer you not to."
"And you didn't think I'd be hurt by you telling me now that you're my soul mate but you don't want a relationship with me?" Spencer asked brokenly, reaching for the door handle. He'd never been able to maintain a relationship, those he was interested in had never been interested in him or his quirks had embarrassed them or driven them mad within a few weeks or months. He had thought that his soul mate would be the one true chance for him to have a life partner if he had one. Someone who was perfect for him surely wouldn't be driven mad by his need to learn everything he could and the way he would get excited by sharing that information. Now it seemed that he had a soul mate but they didn't want to be with him either. It hurt more than he would have thought, not just emotionally but his chest physically hurt too and he was finding it difficult to breath normally. He now understood how being rejected by his father had destroyed what was left of his mother's mind and will to live.
If Spencer had looked at him he would have realised that Aaron was feeling the same pain in his chest, but he didn't, not wanting his soul mate to see the tears in his eyes.
"No. I knew you would be hurt. I also knew it was unavoidable and waiting would only make the situation worse, particularly if you found out by accident before I told you. If you decide that you can't work with me and want to transfer I will give you a good reference. I don't want this to damage your career. Garrett expressed interest in having you work a few cases with the IRT if you just need a break to come to terms with the information. I'm sure he'd be happy to accept a permanent transfer once he's seen your work and your ability to learn languages and local dialects, if that's what you'd want," Aaron rambled regretfully.
"Does Haley know?" Spencer asked.
"She's seen the mark of course so she knows that I have a soul mate other than her, and she's read your name, but she doesn't know that I've met you, it actually hasn't occurred to her that my soulmate isn't a woman," Aaron said quickly. "I don't know how she would react, but this is her fourth pregnancy, we lost the other three just before the end of the first trimester. I don't want to do anything to upset her at this point. She's always felt insecure about the fact that I have a soul mate out there somewhere. I've loved Haley since we were in high school. We were both devastated that it wasn't her name that appeared on my chest, I really believed it would be."
Spencer just nodded.
"If the universe was fair, Haley and I would be soul mates and you'd have a mate that was free to fall in love with you. I'm sorry Reid," Aaron was honestly apologetic, he felt terrible for causing the hurt he could see and feel in younger man but there was nothing he could do differently he had Haley and the baby to think about.
"I think I'll catch the Metro after all. I'll see you on Monday," he said, pushing the door open and almost falling from the SUV in his haste to get away.
Aaron began to try to stop him but aborted the movement before grabbing Reid's wrist.
"I'll see you Monday," he echoed hollowly.
A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed followed or favourited this story for your support.
Stay safe everyone.