Pain and Scars

Description: What if Lauren didn't move on from Sambuca's death so easily? She is hurt and needs someone to comfort her and that person is Josh Stevenson, her best friend and crush

WARNING: DOES CONTAIN SELF HARM AND DEPRESSION, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF IT MAY AFFECT/TRIGGER YOU IN ANY WAY

It's been a year, a whole year since Sam died and yet nothing's changed. I still cry myself to sleep every night and it still hurts whenever somebody mentions her name. I know that I should be over it by now, that I should be back to normal, but does anybody really get over their best friend dying?

Nobody really understands what it's like, they were sympathetic at first, I was allowed to get away with a lot and not get told of because of what happened. But, as time went on, they started to get frustrated:

'What's wrong now, Lauren?'

Or..

'Stop moping around Lauren, its been months now'

Or..

'Cheer up Lauren, I'm sick of you being so sad all the time'

Or..

'Come on Lauren, you need to get over her now, otherwise you're going to lose the friends you have now'

Finn got over it, even though he promised Sam he'd never forget her. I can't help but feel angry at him for it, I know he has to move on at some point, but it just felt so quick. He started dating Trudi only a month after Sam's death and they've been together ever since. I pretended not to care when Finn asked me if it was ok, I wanted to be happy for him, and I didn't want to get in the way of his life but it still hurts me to see him with someone else. I still remember how he was with Sam, and how he told her he loved her.

I miss Sam so much, my heart aches whenever I think about her and all the funny memories we had together. Sometimes, I'll be doing something and I'll see something that reminds me of her and it'll bring tears to my eyes. I can't really talk to anyone about it because none of them were really that close to Sam, even Sam's mom seems to have gotten over her death by now, and she was her daughter. I'm not sure why it's taking me so long to get over it, but the counsellor said that losing a loved one can affect people in different ways (I didn't really believe her at the time).

I try not to be around people too much, because I'm afraid they'll see through my fake smiles and reassurances that I'm ok. I don't want them to realise just how depressed I really am, because then they'll worry about me and I don't want to cause anyone even more sadness.

My mom ignores me and pretends not to see when I cry because I think she knows I'm depressed but she's in denial. She's at work most of the time anyway, so I'm left alone in the house a lot, with just my negative thoughts.

The first time I started to self harm was two days after Sam's death. I was feeling so empty without her, and I missed having my best friend to talk to. My mom was out at work so I was all alone and wherever I looked in the house, all I could see was things that reminded me of Sam and it was all too much.

I felt the overwhelming urge to take the pain away so I locked myself in the bathroom and searched the cupboards for something to hurt myself with, anything to make the unbearable pain and sadness go away. I found my razor in the second shelf and I had stood over the sink, holding the razor in my hand.

I hadn't ever self harmed before and I didn't really know what to do, I wasn't really thinking straight though through the bad thoughts swirling in my mind. I did the only thing I could think of, and dragged the razor down my left wrist, watching as dark red blood appeared and leaked out of my veins. It made me feel good though, for the first time in days and once I had started, I couldn't stop, it was a bad habit I couldn't shift.

I'd keep a spare razor on my bedside table and everyday, when I was feeling down and began to think about Sam, I'd pick it up and cut myself with it. It started off as tiny cuts, but as time went on, they became full on slices, and sometimes I'd have to bandage my wrists up to stop the blood flow.

I became more and more distant from my friends, choosing to stay at home alone and cry whilst cutting than go out with them. They never really noticed though, as they all had their own lives and problems to deal with, just like how I had mine.

Josh was suspicious at first, not giving up as easily as the others did. He'd beg me to come out with him and he'd always try and include me with the rest of the group. But as months passed, he must have realised it was hopeless because he stopped bothering and I became more and more lonely and in need of Sam.

My pain and sadness built up over inside of me over time, until one day, it was too much for me to handle anymore.

I was feeling particularly low that day and my thoughts were filled with Sam and how she always used to make me laugh no matter how sad I was, I missed her so badly and I didn't want to live anymore, not like this. I wanted to go to a happier place with Sam so things could be just like how they used to be before Sam got diagnosed with a brain tumour.

I had never imagined that my life would become this bad, that I'd want to kill myself in order to feel happier but that's how it was and how it had been since Sams' death. I came to the decision that I was ready for my life to end, I had though it would get better after time but it had only gotten worse.

I arrived to school early, when there was no one there and found the cleaning closet with all the supplies in, and the door had been left open, luckily for me. I searched for what I was looking for and eventually found it, there stood up against the cupboard was a rusty looking 12ft ladder.

'Perfect' I thought, getting closer to the minute where this whole nightmare of a life will be over.

I lift the ladder, panting because it's extremely heavy and walk back outside the school's entrance, checking to see if anyone has arrived yet. No one has, so I lean the ladder against the brick wall and begin to climb it, hoping it won't fall before I've got to the top.

When I finally reach the top of the ladder, I crawl across until I'm on the school roof.

'Wow, it's higher than I thought' I think, looking down below at the ground, it's got to be at least 15 feet.

I gulp and try to ignore my fear of heights, remembering what I came here to do.

I look down below again, it looks so high from up here. The trees and cars look like little dots instead of the towering trunks they normally look like from on the ground. I

I cautiously take a few steps toward the edge, seeing how much of a drop it will be when I jump. Yeah, I'd definitely be dead if I jumped from this height, I think, suddenly unsure if this is what I want.

'Come on Lauren, are you really too much of a coward to jump?' the voices in my head say. 'There's no point in living anymore anyway, your friends don't care about you, your mother ignores you and your one true best friend is dead. Don't you want to make the pain go away?'

Yes, yes I do, I think. I remember the way everyone looked at me after Sam had died and how they all pretended they had other things to do and places to be just so they wouldn't have to be around me and my sadness.

'I will jump' I decide, imagining how much happier I'll be when all of the pain I've been feeling goes away.

I take a few more steps until I'm right on the edge and I put my foot out infront of me gingerly, contemplating how I should jump when a voice startles me.

"Lauren?" a voice calls from below, confused.

Oh no, I think, I recognise that voice. I look down and spot Josh glancing at me fearfully.

"What are you doing Lauren?" he says, sounding upset.

"I've got to jump" I say, trying to make him understand.

"But why?" he asks, with a hurt expression on his face.

"Because I want all this to be over with" I answer

"You want all what to be over with, Lauren?" he asks, confused.

"All this pain and sadness, I want to be with Sam again" I say, admitting my feelings out loud to someone for the first time since Sam had died.

"No, Lauren, please don't jump!" he shouts panicking.

"I have to" I say, beginning to cry.

Josh takes one look at me and starts to climb the ladder hurriedly, trying to stop me.

"What are you doing Josh? Get down, its dangerous, I don't want you to fall" I say with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

If he gets hurt because of me, it will be all my fault, I think, sadly.

"I'm not getting down without you" he answers, nearly at the top now.

"Please get down, Josh. You don't need to get hurt because of me" I say urgently.

"No, it's all my fault you're even up here in the first place" Josh replies, his voice cracking.

"What do you mean?" I ask, confused.

"Well, I've been ignoring you, just like the others. I thought you'd come back to us after a while and that you needed space but I was stupid, you were clearly upset and needed someone to talk to" he admits, starting to cry.

My heart breaks at the sight of him crying and I feel the need to comfort him and tell him everything's going to be okay even though it's because of me he's crying.

"Don't cry, Josh. It's not your fault at all, I should have talked to you instead of battling up all the emotions inside of me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I didn't know it had got that bad Lauren, I would have never wanted you to go through all this on your own."

Josh finally reaches the top of the ladder and climbs ontop of the roof with me.

"Please don't do this, Lauren" he begs me, taking my hand in his.

I look down and suddenly I don't want to jump anymore, I don't want to hurt Josh, he 's already lost Sam, he doesn't need to lose me too.

"I'm not going to anymore" I say, sitting down on the roof and curling up into a ball.

Josh sighs in relief and sits down with me, holding me closely and wiping my tears away.

"I wasn't there for you when you need me the most, Lauren, and I'm sorry for that. From now on, I'll always be there for you no matter what" he says, tucking my hair behind my ears.

"Thank you Josh, you don't know how much that means to me".

We stay there like that for a while, him holding me in his arms, both of us not wanting to let the other go.

Ok, so hope you liked this short story, I've been thinking of writing this for a while but I never got around to it. I didn't like how everyone (Finn included) seemed to move on from Sambuca's death so easily and so I made Lauren still miss her. I liked the whole idea of Josh stopping her from jumping and being upset over what she was going to do because I always loved those two as a couple and shipped them even though Josh was gay but hey, this is a fanfic, so I can change whatever I want lol. Please review