Chapter Two.

A Woman's Burden.

Narah let him talk. For several minutes.

Even though she had learned about her pregnancy a few weeks ago, she was still uncertain how to feel about it. Alistair's rampant joy, however, the radiance in his eyes, moved her to tears. With a smile on her face, she put one of her hands on her tummy. It is a good thing, she told herself. For the tenth time alone on this day, but it was the first time ever she dared to believe herself. It is a good thing.

Possibly, she would start to doubt again tomorrow or in a couple of hours, but at least for now, all uncertainty vanished. She took a deep breath, sobbed quietly, which made Alistair fall silent. He froze and blinked at her in surprise.

"Narah? Are you okay, my dear?" He gently touched her arm. "Do you want to have a seat?"

She brushed over her eyes. "No, no. I'm fine. As fine as I haven't been in weeks." Then she embraced him. The momentum and the weight of her body almost threw him to the ground. "I was so afraid of telling you."

"Afraid of telling me? Why? That I wouldn't be excited?"

"I knew you would, without any doubt", Narah answered. "And I knew what marrying you means. I know Ferelden needs an heir for the throne. Still - now, as the moment has come, I'm uncertain if I want to be this heir's mother."

Alistair shoved her an arm-length away. "Are you serious? I've asked you so many times if you wanted to burden this duty before we-"

"Yes," she interrupted him, " Yes, I know. That's what scared me! That seeing your joy would show me how little I want it. That your joy would make me realize that I've gotten myself into something that I rejected from the bottom of my heart."

Alistair frowned. " Gotten yourself into something? Honestly? You're talking about our marriage."

"Do you know why men believe they can rule the world but women can't?" Narah asked and waited a few moments before she answered herself. "Babies." And reacting to Alistair's wondering look, she added. "My brother and I grew up very differently. Fight training, warfare, diplomacy, administration - all of this was reserved for Fergus. Our parents did anything to make him a good leader, an honourable warrior, a worthy heir for the duty to pass on the name Cousland. I, on the other side… The greatest honour they could imagine for me was marrying a glorious nobleman to bear glorious sons. They wanted to make me a desirable, yet chaste lady who is quiet and obedient, who only speaks when spoken to." Narah sighed. "I was supposed to find completion in being a tool for a man to pass on his name."

"A tool?" Alistair shook his head. "You know, I've never viewed you as a tool."

Narah smirked. "How could you after everything I've done during the Blight? But I've come a long way… When my parents didn't let me have the same training as my brother I looked for my own masters by sneaking from the castle and learning from the streets."

Alistair smiled. "That explains your talent for pickpocketing, I guess."

"Back then, I often stayed away for days and gave my parents' guards a hard time." Narah closed her eyes. Memories flooded her mind: she saw herself huddling beneath bridges and climbing walls while soldiers in the armour of Highever called her name. "With every escape, it took them more time and more skill to bring me back. So my parents took harsher measures to keep me in the castle: they locked me up and even posted guards in my room - day and night."

"Really? You've never told me."

"They're not exactly my favourite memories." Indeed, thinking about the nights having a man in armour watch her sleep through a closed visor, still gave her goosebumps. "However, the higher the obstacles got, the more I pushed myself. Nothing could stop me. Still, it took years before my parents bothered to change their strategy. Instead of locking me up, they asked me what it would take to stop me from running away. That was the day I started to train with the squires."

"Your tenacity didn't only serve you well during the Blight, I see."

"You could put it like that, yes. When I wore the armour with my family's crest for the first time, I was convinced that I had finally won. But... it was only a new battle beginning. The squires and knights didn't like me among them. They deemed me inferior and took every occasion to prove themselves right. My companions sabotaged my equipment and humiliated me - day in, day out. They threw me in the latrine. Twice."

Alistair pulled a face. "Come on, they didn't dare that. Even though you were the teyrn's daughter?"

" Because I was a teyrn's daughter. My parents still didn't agree with the path I'd chosen. So everybody knew I wouldn't complain. To tell the truth, I did my best to cover every humiliation." Narah reached for her hair and stroked the black strands. "One day, three of the squires pinned me down while a fourth one sheared my hair. For quite a while I was mocking-stock for Ferelden's nobility. They called me the Bald Virago. That's when I've finally learned: I had to be twice as good as any male knights in order to be half as respected. So, I got excellent until even the knights of Highever saw me as an equal. Even though I'd excelled them long ago."

"So that's why Duncan wanted you for the Wardens at all costs. Because you had to fight harder than any other warrior; because you'd never given up. That prepared you for the fight against the Dark Spawn."

"The circumstances that accompanied my joining were as tragic and cruel as they could be. But deep inside my heart, I know my parents hadn't tolerated it any other way." Narah took a deep breath. "The Grey Wardens liberated me. For the first time in my life, I wasn't viewed as a woman but as a Warden. For the first time in my life, no one mistrusted me because I was a woman. I finally got a chance to show what I got. I am the Hero of Ferelden, the Commander of the Grey and the Arlessa of Amaranthine. I've earned these titles and everyone knows it. My worth doesn't depend on my relationship to a man." She hugged Alistair and kissed him. "I didn't marry you because I was expected to or to higher my stand through your crown. I married you because I love you and because we are so much stronger together." She whispered these words against his lips while her forehead leaned against his. "And in equal measure, I'm not having this child to fulfil the expectations of any high or low lordship or for your duty to keep the Theirin's bloodline flowing. I'm having this child because there is so much I have to pass on myself . I'm having this child because every son and every daughter should have a mother like me who doesn't back down and is unafraid of living her life." Narah took a step backwards and crossed her arms over her chest. "That's why I'm telling you no."

"Telling me no?"

"No, I won't hand over any duties in Amaranthine or the order to focus on the baby I'm carrying. I mustn't take a break. Having a child will remind people that I'm a woman after all and they will make me work twice as hard to be respected. I'm not intending to lose what I've accomplished. I'm going to handle this pregnancy my way and I'm asking you to trust me with that."