JJ stacks her files neatly on her desk, carefully pushing each piece of paper inside the folder so no whites are shown. As a profiler, she knows that she's trying to exert control in a time when she feels like she has no control. She knows that making everything perfect is a coping mechanism. She does it anyway.
"Hey," Emily's voice punctures her silent concentration.
JJ clears her throat. "Hey."
"You know, I was thinking," Emily says, walking around to the side of JJ's desk, "we should go out tonight."
JJ's eyebrows shoot up. "Go. . . out?"
"Yeah, when's the last time you've gone out, anyway? Henry's with Will, it's a Friday night, come on, what do you say?"
JJ lets out a shuddering breath. Of course she meant to go out as friends. What did I think she meant?
"Yeah, yeah that sounds good." JJ says, and stands, her arms oddly shaky. Her breath catches in her throat, and she can only inhale shallowly.
Emily promises to send her the address of her favorite bar and leaves. JJ sighs, not quite feeling up for getting hit on all night by men. Before she had a wedding ring, she was approached by men constantly. Now that her ring is gone, she'll be seen as a target again. Men are like unsubs in that way. They pick their victims carefully, knowing exactly who they have a chance with.
Why do I think things like that? Men aren't monsters, JJ thinks, some of my closest friends are men. They can be kind. She hardly believes herself, despite knowing that there are plenty of men who have the capacity to be good people. She just can't shake the discomfort she has around them when they flirt with her. It isn't that she hates them or wouldn't be their friend, but she's always had this deep, horrible guilt in her heart whenever she thought about being with a man. Even Will. Whenever they went to bed together at night, JJ felt like something was wrong. She would look at the man beside her and feel like she was lying to herself. While Will was horrible for cheating, JJ was not exactly committed to the marriage either. Not in her mind.
She puts Emily's bar into her GPS and starts to drive, calmly peering out the windows from time to time to gaze at the lights. JJ loves the way lights glow at night, especially ones of less common colors. A coffee shop close to the BAU has a glowing green sign, and she adores it. She smiles when she sees the comforting OPEN sign as she passes.
JJ pulls onto the side of the street when she reaches the bar. She takes a deep breath and shakes out her shoulders and arms. "You can do this," she says to herself. "You used to do this all the time. Emily will be there."
"JJ?" Emily stands outside her window and gives it a gentle knock. JJ's face lights up. There is something about Emily that makes JJ feel wonderful without even trying, but she can't put her finger on it. Somehow, seeing Emily makes her feel like every bit of stress she's ever had is gone, and everything will be okay. Her heart flutters, sparkles run through her veins. She is so happy to have Emily in her life, especially at such a horrible time.
JJ exits her car and is immediately enveloped in a warm hug. Woah, she thinks, she never hugs me like this at work. JJ returns the loving gesture, wrapping her arms around Emily's neck. They hold each other for a moment too long, and chuckle awkwardly. Emily places a hand between JJ's shoulder blades and guides her into the bar.
The first thing she notices are the couples. Of course, she's trained to be an observer and to see details, but this isn't' from the training. She notices that every couple is of the same sex.
A pair of women in a corner booth are making out, clearly drunk. Two men are holding hands and leaning on each other at the bar. A couple of women cuddle in their seat, practically asleep. JJ's heart races. She knows exactly what this is, and why Emily brought her here. Anger and shame bursts from her heart throughout her body.
JJ snaps her head at Emily. "This is a gay bar," she whispers viciously. "Penelope told you. She told you that she thinks I'm- well-"
"No, Penelope didn't tell me anything," Emily says, and tries to take JJ's hand. JJ quickly pulls away. "She didn't have to. I've seen the way you're torturing yourself over this, JJ, and I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to bring you to a place where it's okay. No one's going to judge you here. You're safe."
JJ takes a deep breath and glares at Emily. "How did you know?" she whispers, scared.
Emily shrugs, but wears a concerned expression. "I've been through it myself, JJ. I could see it in your behavior. The way you would force yourself not to look at women, the way you talked about Will, it was-"
"Wait." JJ puts up a hand and shakes her head. "You've been through it yourself?"
Emily laughs softly. "Yes, Jennifer. I'm a lesbian."
JJ blinks. She stares at Emily until they both feel uncomfortable.
"Look, I don't tell most people. You're the only one from work who knows," Emily says. "I just know that my secret will be safe with you."
JJ nods. "It will. It is. Thank you, Emily. For telling me."
The two look into each other's eyes. JJ offers a small smile, which Emily gladly returns. Emily nods to the bar, and she and JJ cautiously walk there, together. JJ looks around, and feels warmth. It feels like she's home. Like the people here would never hurt her, and that she's with family. She feels safe, secure. And it's all thanks to Emily.