Ibiki stared angrily at the blonde boy sitting motionless behind his desk. In the twenty minutes that had passed during the first portion of the exam, the brat had not moved a single inch since his initial cursory glance at the paper in front of him. There were no attempts to cheat, no endeavors to answer any of the questions, and not even a god damned reach to pick up his pencil.
The proctor supposed the boy must have given up after seeing the difficulty of the test. That didn't bother him, truly. He rather enjoyed when the games he played with the greenhorns got to their heads and made them lose all hope. However, that was only fun when their reaction to said loss of hope was visible. The orange monstrosity, on the other hand, hadn't twitched a muscle in what would have been a worrying amount of time had Ibiki given a shit.
What many of the examiners did give a shit about, however, was the child's unflinching, piercing gaze. None in the room could attest to whether or not the boy had blinked within the last twenty minutes. His eyes were solely focused on Ibiki, boring holes into the man's skull. The man had to admit, even if the kid had completely lost all hope, his determination and vigor to stand strong in the face of such an intimidating challenge gained him points in the eyes of many in the room.
More time passed and the blond – now named Naruto after the scarred man had checked the seating roster – still hadn't budged. A signal from one of the observing Chuunin told him that the boy hadn't written a single answer down nor had his eyes moved from their straight gaze towards Ibiki's own. The first portion of the test was nearing its end and the blond either had the utmost confidence that he had unfurled the exam's plot or he had completely lost it and was catatonic with shock.
Ibiki liked to think it was the ladder.
Soon the time for the first nine questions ended and the bandana clad Tokujo wasted no time in explaining the rules for the tenth. Moans and whimpers erupted from the classroom as team after team escorted themselves out.
It was the first time that Ibiki saw Naruto move, as the boy blinked slowly, glancing confused at all of the examinees exiting the building.
Ibiki could have almost smiled at that.
Confused why the others are leaving, brat? he thought. You've got guts, I'll give you that. More guts than many of the other Gennin here. Don't act surprised that others can't stack up to the challenge that you can. You have my respect, but from the look of your teammate it looks like my respect and your guts won't get you very far.
The pink haired girl had her hand nearly completely extended in the air, prepared to submit their team for withdrawal in fear of one of them not being able to answer the final question correctly.
Before she could complete the act, Naruto's confused gaze turned to her. Their eyes locked and Sakura's body stiffened, her arm no longer intent on going through with the act. Ibiki could see her confliction, wanting to believe in her team's abilities but at the same time not wanting to damn them for the rest of their futures.
Yet, an end to her conflict came abruptly when the blonde spoke a single sentence to her.
"What are you doing?"
The girl looked confused before her resolve steeled and she smiled with determination at the boy, lowering her arm and giving him a quick wink of acknowledgement.
Ibiki could hear it in the question. Naruto was completely and utterly clueless as to why the girl had raised her hand to withdraw.
The sheer confidence rolling off of Naruto was astounding to the older ninja, and Ibiki swore he could almost see the physical manifestation of their village's will rolling from his shoulders. To have the confidence to pass the test was one thing but having such faith in your team that even the possibility of not continuing was a completely foreign concept was admirable to the highest degree. He asked his teammate that question with utter cluelessness as to why she would even consider backing down.
Yes. Ibiki liked this Naruto kid.
With a rare smile, the man chuckled to himself before addressing the room full of wayward Gennin.
"Congratulations. You all pass."
Later on in the night, during a joint drinking session between the T&I department and the academy's educators, Ibiki had told the tale of how Naruto hadn't even touched his exam, instead staring the man down without fear for the entire duration of the test. Many were awed at the boy's tenacity, while Iruka decided that it would be more amusing to not tell Ibiki of Naruto's tendency to fall asleep with his eyes open – a skill that he had learned so that he could sleep in class while not being called out by the instructors.
Additionally, Sakura would never find out that Naruto hadn't questioned her intention to quit because he had such confidence in their team. No, he asked her what she was doing because he had just been asleep for the past hour and missed all of Ibiki's speech about the last question. He had absolutely no idea what was happening and wanted to know why she was raising her hand and whether he should be raising his too.
But it all worked out in the end.
Anko watched with interest as Team 7 trudged through the dense forest. After Ibiki's raving the previous night she had been absolutely dying to see this Naruto kid in action. After all, anybody who could get a compliment from Ibiki was bound to be special in some way.
So far it had been an utter disappointment.
The kid seemed absolutely average in every aspect. There had been no fighting, no scouting, no trap setting. Hell, the kids had barely even talked to each other the entire time they'd been together, simply moving further and further into the forest. The only thing she could gauge him on was his chakra use while jumping through the trees - which was, in fact, absolutely abysmal.
She finally trailed them to a small alcove hidden within the roots of one of the forest's massive trees. The three members of the team crouched low, scanning their surroundings carefully, and Anko leaned a bit closer to get a listen once the blond brat had opened his mouth.
"So, where are we gonna get this Earth scroll from?" the Uchiha asked.
Naruto looked at the boy in confusion. "What are you talking about?"
The pink haired teammate – apparently named Sakura from the roster she had checked – hissed at him.
"Idiot!" she nearly roared. "We're looking for an Earth scroll. Didn't you listen to a single thing the proctor said?"
Anko snickered to herself. This was the boy that Ibiki had promoted? A kid who didn't even know what scroll his own team had? Maybe the guy was losing his touch. Perhaps spending nearly every day of your life torturing or interrogating someone wasn't the best for your mental health. She'd have to put in an anonymous tip to have a psych evaluation done on the man. More bonding time with Inoichi could never hurt.
She was brought from musings when she heard his voice again.
"What? No, we have an Earth scroll already. Look."
The blond dug his hand into his pouch and pulled out one of the Earth scrolls that they had issued at the beginning of the test.
The purple haired woman was ready to take back what she said about the kid before she noticed the shocked looks on his teammates' faces as the girl shoved her hand into her own pouch and pulled out a Heaven scroll to complete the pair.
Anko gawked at the scene.
Had the kid sent those clones Kakashi was raving about to get a scroll for them? No, that couldn't be. She would have sensed the chakra usage and been able to follow its trail. Was it a fake? Possible, but unlikely. The boy definitely didn't look like a master of forgery and neither did his teammates. Besides, if it was a fake then getting to the center of the forest would be pointless. The necessary triggers in the sealing array wouldn't activate without its other half and the test wouldn't be able to be completed.
So what was it? How in the hell did this kid get and Earth scroll right from under her nose? She wasn't one of the best investigative ninja in the village for nothing, damnit, and he had made no moves while in the forest leading her to believe he had acquired one. That could only mean that he had gotten the scroll before the test even began, but all of the teams had their scrolls accounted for before they entered the training grounds.
So if he didn't steal it during the test and he didn't steal it from a team before they started then that means…oh fuck.
Anko, making a startling realization at what must have occurred, quickly turned on her heel and raced through the canopy, leaping from the edge of the forest and marching towards the nearly packed tent where the scrolls had been distributed. Before all of the materials could be packed away Anko snatched the inventory list and Scroll Designation document from the Chunin leading the scroll distribution team.
She perused the papers intently, noting that for each team in the exam, there was a corresponding missing scroll from the inventory list of the designated type – either Heaven or Earth. These designations weren't counting the teams that they had labelled 'Wild Cards', meaning that the team wasn't designated a specific scroll and could get either a Heaven or Earth scroll simply to spice the exam up and potentially make the search for a certain scroll a bit more challenging.
She finally found Team 7 on the Scroll Designation Document and wasn't much surprised to see Wild Card written directly next to their name. What was surprising was the fact that it was written that they had been assigned a Heaven Scroll, while there was an extra Earth scroll missing from the spare sets in the inventory catalog.
Anko surmised that meant either one of two things. One: the brat had somehow managed to sneak past not only her, but an entire team of chuunin as well to snatch an Earth scroll under their noses. She considered it unlikely, as the scrolls were securely guarded and there was no possible way that five highly trained ninja of the Leaf would miss that shade of orange sticking its grubby little hands into the pile of spare scrolls.
That left the woman with option two: Naruto had somehow either tricked or convinced the distribution team into giving him an Earth scroll knowing full well that his team already had a Heaven Scroll.
Anko was nearly astounded. Kakashi and the Hokage had warned the exam's proctors of Naruto's mind games but they hadn't listened, claiming that a kid of his age wouldn't be able to dupe two of the best that the Torture and Interrogation unit had to offer. They were masters of mental manipulation. How could it be that a kid so green you could still see the grass marks on his ass would be able to get one over on them?
They had obviously underestimated him.
The shitty brat had actually tricked them into giving him exactly what he needed and not a single one of them – not even his own team – had been any the wiser.
The purple-haired woman laughed in disbelief.
We gotta get this kid into T&I, she thought. If he got something like this over me and a tent full of chuunin, I wanna see what he could do to the prisoners we have there.
Yet, if Anko had stayed in the forest to observe Team 7 for just a moment longer, she would have heard the rest of their conversation – a conversation that would have extinguished all of the respect and admiration she was having for the blond boy.
The talk entailed Team 7 discovering that there had been some confusion between them as to who was supposed to procure the scroll for the team. Naruto had thought that he was to get the scroll while Sakura and Sasuke strategized. Sakura and Sasuke, however, specifically remembered the conversation designating Sakura to get the scroll while Naruto waited in place and didn't screw anything up. So, while Sakura had been one of the first at the tent and received a Heaven scroll, Naruto was one of the last in line and received an Earth scroll.
As for how the scroll distribution team hadn't caught this folly and turned Naruto away when he asked for a scroll?
Konoha was known throughout the world for their military strength, numerous prodigies, and unparalleled teamwork.
Not their ability to keep paperwork.
Kakashi had never been one for romance. Maybe it was the tragic loss of the girl who loved him at his own hand. Maybe his mind had been so saturated with erotic literature that his interest in actual women had been snuffed right from under his nose and was replaced with his favorite orange book. Or maybe - just maybe - despite the hundreds of places he'd visited during missions; despite the countless women he'd met and/or seen throughout the nations; despite the endless opportunities he'd had to find a partner and settle down, he had simply never found a woman amazing enough to catch his eye.
He'd never had a 'love at first sight' moment. In fact, Kakashi thought the entire idea was hilariously preposterous. First impressions were important, but far less valuable in the dog days of a relationship from his outsider's experience.
The cyclops wasn't one to respect the superficial looks of women simply for the sake of it. He admired beauty, sure. In fact, the Leaf Village had an astounding amount of dazzling female shinobi, and he couldn't deny stealing glances at them once or twice during training sessions or nights at the bar. He was a man, after all, and there was nothing wrong with appreciating the elegance of the fairer sex in a tame and reserved manner.
However, he would never go out of his way to suddenly adopt a chivalrous attitude at the first sight of an exceptionally attractive female. Kakashi had always acted the same with anybody that didn't immediately command respect due to rank. His lackadaisical manner wasn't meant to be purposefully rude. It was just how he conducted himself with everybody.
That attitude only changed once the silver-haired man considered you worthy to be held in his highest esteem. Truthfully, Kakashi would admit that there wasn't any one way to go about that trek. Jiraiya had his respect both as an author and a shinobi. The Third Hokage earned his respect through his strength and wisdom. Minato held his respect because of his compassion and unshakable morals.
Those men were different, and so Kakashi treated them differently. He listened attentively when they spoke. He both lent and accepted advice when necessary. To him, they were not only good shinobi, but good men to boot - something that many considered oxymoronic in a shinobi world.
To simply give someone the same amount of personal veneration as those sublime individuals because of charming appearances or societal expectations was horrifically outrageous.
Kakashi wouldn't treat you differently if you hadn't earned that right. He wouldn't superficially warp his values for no legitimate reason. Not for a person without his respect. Not for a world that had disrespect him. And certainly not for a beautiful woman.
Anyway, that's why he didn't put his porn away while standing next to Kurenai.
Apparently Naruto's match against Kiba was about to start and Kurenai had come over to give trash-talking the old college try.
She spouted something about 'deadlast' and 'Inuzuka Clan heir' and 'your student is about to get thrashed' or something of the sort. Honestly, it wasn't until that last remark that Kakashi had taken his full attention from the book.
It was her fault for trying to talk to him while the main character was about to have a foursome with the submissive princess, the dominant amazonian, and the well-endowed Geisha who really just kind of watches for most of the scene. Still, she was naked, so it counts.
Lugging his eyes from his novel, Kakashi peered over its pages to watch as the two boys readied themselves and the proctor started the match. Kurenai quickly followed Gekko's shout with another incredibly poor taunt.
"Your student has no chance, Kakashi. If I were you, I'd call the match now."
The room watched intently as each fighter prepared for their first move.
Kiba entered his taijutsu stance.
Akamaru matched his partner's form.
Naruto pulled out three rations of deer jerky.
"What the hell?"
It was Asuma who had spoken up, and the Copy-Ninja snuck a brief look to see the absolute confusion etched in his brows.
Glancing around the room, Kakashi saw many similar faces adopted by Genin and Jonin alike on the observation decks. Two months ago he would have had the same reaction. No doubt they were thinking that Naruto had gone bat-shit insane - that he was either pulling some prank or that the boy unironically intended to fight his opponent with dried meat and a healthy dose of elbow grease.
Kakashi knew his student better than that, though. This was most definitely some sort of trick - either to put Kiba off guard through sheer dumbfoundedness or to set up some elaborate gamble. Perhaps the meat was poisoned? Maybe its scent had some adverse effect on an Inuzuka's sense of smell? Or maybe-
The sound of Naruto's voice roused him from his theories.
"Hey Akamaru, I'll give you some deer jerky if you sit this one out! I've got even more in my rations pouch that you can have once we're done, too!"
Most of the spectators stilled in shock at the words. They absolutely couldn't believe that Naruto was trying to bribe a dog. A highly trained, military support dog. A dog that legally had a license to kill. A dog that was bred with the sole purpose of standing by its partner's side in both life and death. To anybody who knew even a sliver of information about the Inuzuka clan and their ninken, the strategy was absolute, unequivocal lunacy.
Which drove the audience into even deeper hysterics when Akamaru yipped happily, snagged the jerky, and jumped onto the observation deck and into Hinata's stunned arms, nibbling contently on the meat Naruto had given him.
The room was deathly silent, enough so that the dull hum of the lights on the ceiling were audible. Even Kiba had failed to find words at what had just occurred, only dawning a look of unmatched awe at what his brother-in-all-but-species had just done.
The silence was broken with Kakashi, and all eyes turned to him as he did something he hadn't done in a very, very long time.
He let out a loud, obnoxious guffaw at what his student had just pulled off, both in disbelief that it had been done and ripe satisfaction that it was a feat only Naruto could have thought of, let alone executed.
With his chortle, a few snickers from others near him kicked in, with more being added every moment. Soon, more than half of the spectators in the viewing hall were giggling in some form at the absurdity of what had just transpired. Far behind Kurenai's flabbergasted face, Kakashi even saw the Hokage let out an amused chuckle
A scream of rage tore through the laughter, and all eyes turned back to Kiba as he finally came to terms with the humiliation he was being subjected to. In a fit of frenzy, the brunette boy exploded towards Naruto, throwing any semblance of proper form, obviously intent on devolving the bout into an unhinged brawl.
However, five things happened when Kiba got within range to try and grapple Naruto to the ground.
1. Kiba breathed in sharply.
2. Kiba gagged and lost his footing.
3. Kiba puked on the floor.
4. Kiba's loose foot slipped in his own vomit.
5. Kiba landed head first on the ground, cracked his skull on the stone tiling, and went unconscious.
The spectators once again had no clue what had just happened, and even Kakashi was grasping at straws until he heard a deep sigh of listlessness from his pink-haired student. He tapped her lightly on the shoulder, silently asking for any explanation as to why she was showing no surprise at what the last three seconds had deteriorated into.
Meeting her sensei's gaze - all the while seeing the obvious eavesdropping of Team Eight's sensei, Sakura tiredly told what she knew.
"Naruto hasn't showered since the first day of the exams. He smells absolutely vile and Kiba's extra sensitive nose just inhaled all of that rancid stench."
And with that, Kakashi turned to Kurenai with a deceptively innocent smile.
"Well, well," he spouted with great mirth. "Not only did the deadlast find a way to separate your clan heir from his battle partner to achieve more favorable numbers, but he even had half a mind to consider he might fight an opponent with a heightened sense of smell and capitalized on that by using his body's own natural odors. Now, tell me, Kurenai...has your student been sufficiently thrashed?"
That Night, at Ichiraku Ramen with Iruka and Naruto:
"That was brilliant, Naruto. It was an unorthodoxly effective example of how to split up opponents in a fight. How did you think of bribing Akamaru out of the fight?"
"Oh...uh, I just really don't like hurting animals. I like Akamaru and didn't wanna have to hit him so I thought if I gave him some jerky he would leave."
"Well, I'm still impressed. Especially with your foresight that you might have had to fight Kiba. Not using the showers while at the tower in Training Ground 44 was a great strategy."
"THAT PLACE HAD SHOWERS?"