A/N: mention of suicide, torture, death, sexual content and explicit language.
I can't remember the last time I had clean hands, when my nails weren't caked in dry blood and dirt. It didn't matter how much I scrubbed the stains never left, especially the ones deep inside. Those ones were ingrained deep in my soul.
Can someone who has done so much damage to others still have a soul?
There has been so much pain and death. All for nothing. What a fucking waste.
The war raged on with no end in sight, but then even when war is over it is never truly over. People never truly get over war. It lingers on never truly leaving. It lies dormant waiting to strike.
Maybe it would just be better to kill ourselves, maybe those idiots had the right idea. Pick when to die and not wait for it to creep up on you, like a snake slithering up to its unsuspecting prey ready to kill.
Running and hiding was just delaying the inevitable. We. Were. Fucked. Plain and simple.
Maybe death was the sweet release, the salvation that we needed.
One boy, the boy who lived and fought for so long, dead.
His body now ash. Scattered by the wind.
What a fucking waste.
The other boy, from the wealthy pureblood family. Has destroyed all remaining hope now slumped in a chair in front of me.
Bruised, bloodied, ALIVE!
What a fucking waste.
"Oh look, if it isn't Potters mudblood whore." He snarled at me. One grey eye swollen shut, his lip was split and his once beautiful blonde hair was now lank and filthy.
"How is Potter? Still dead?" He smirked up at me. What a piece of shit Malfoy was. I fucking hated him, hated him for being a prejudice asshole, for being on HIS side, for being alive and breathing the very same air I was.
"You will keep quiet now Malfoy or I will remove that tongue of yours." I flicked my knife back and forth in my hand. I loved the way the metal felt in my hand, cool, smooth and sharp.
A wand could inflict a great deal of damage, it could even kill but using a knife you had to be closer, so close that you can see the fear in their eyes. See how fast their heart was beating. See the sweat run down their face wondering what she was going to do. Imagining what she could be capable of and she was capable of a lot of terrible things.
I had removed many a tongue and to take Malfoy's would be a pleasure. Maybe I could wear it as a necklace. Years of taunting and bullying at school would make it all worth it, see him call me a mudblood then.
Then again there was always the choice to send it to Lucius, he would never be able to tell his father anything ever again. I smirked, it could rival Malfoy's smirk. He was always smirking. No matter what they did to him he was always smirking. An arrogant smirking prick.
Ron looked at me and signalled. We both left the cell and the wards went back up.
"You know you cannot hurt him Hermione. You know she has forbidden it." I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Ah yes she who shall not be named. Was this person even real or just a way to keep us in check? I suspect the later.
I looked at Ron. Once the joker and less serious one in our trio he was now the one who would make me see sense, make me see reason and I hated it, hated him.
The war had not been kind to him. Molly and Arthur were dead, Ginny was in hiding and George had been captured what felt like a lifetime ago. No one was going to say it but he was probably dead by now. Another body to add to the ever growing pile.
Fred, Bill and Charlie were all he had. Percy had slithered away. Fucking coward. Why he was never sorted in to Slytherin was beyond me, he was more snake than he was human. It wasn't the first time the sorting hat had got it wrong.
I sighed and rubbed my temples. My mind battling to hold on to control. My head throbbed and not because Ron was getting on my last nerve.
"I know Ron, I am aware but he doesn't know that. He's seen my handy work. I hear Lucius still hasn't left the Manor since our encounter." I smirked. Oh yes I made sure Lucius would never forget me.
"You always get a bit much when the full moon is coming, have you taken the Wolfsbane Potion yet?" I sighed in annoyance, why was Ronald right more times than wrong these days? There was a time he had the emotional range of a teaspoon and now he was the one making sense and being the strong one. I looked at him. Had he really matured? Was that what the war had done to him? Gone from a boy into a man?
The Wolfsbane Potion helps, it helps to try and keep my mind stay me and not turn into a savage beast. That still does not mean I don't have some side effects. My temper is shorter, I can torture someone without a second thought and sometimes I must resist the urge to rip out someone's throat. I am a delight according to Ron. I don't fucking care.
So I was bitten by Greyback, a little parting gift from Lucius Malfoy. Unlike Bill Weasley every full moon I turn into a werewolf. The first time I turned it was horrendous, it was almost as painful as the cruciatus curse, no it was more painful. I tried to kill Ron and Charlie. Now every full moon I am put in the cells where they have so many wards on them I can't escape, I have tried and failed on numerous occasions.
"No I haven't yet. I have been a bit busy trying to get that ferret to tell us Tom's plans. We do not have time to waste if we want to strike." Ron came over and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"You need to rest Hermione and take the potion. Your not such an irritating bitch when you have had it." A growl came from within and he quirked an eyebrow at me.
"Oh for fucksakes fine I will go and take the damn potion." I cracked my neck and felt some relief. What I really could do with is some release but with Fred on assignment I didn't have someone to help take the edge off. We kept our little activities to ourselves. Ron did not need to know what we were up too. Not that Ron and I are an item. After Harry's death and my transforming every month our "relationship" if that's what you can call it took a nosedive. Ron was now with Luna. She was sweet and kind, everything I wasn't. They suited each other, she still had an innocence about her and Ron liked that in his women.
Innocence was a virtue she did not posses, not anymore. That 11 year old girl full of wonder and excitement who crossed the lake to Hogwarts was long gone. Standing now was a raw, hate filled woman who thrives on violence and power. Some would say it was a sickness but to her it was a hunger, a craving that she needed to fill. No matter what the consequence, no matter the pain she caused.
"Bill and Seamus are on shift next. I'll stay here and do the hand over." Breaking from my train of thought I nodded and made my way out the cells.
I entered my room and went into my potions cabinet and took the Wolfsbane Potition. The tension in my head started to subside. I cancelled the glamour charm I had been using and went over to my mirror. My once beautiful and youthful face had a hideous bite mark on it, I ran my fingers over the raw ugly scars feeling the bumpy jagged lines under my touch. I glamoured it every day. Only a select few knew about my condition, Ron, Charlie, Fred, Lupin and Tonks. I couldn't risk everyone knowing. I couldn't have people second guessing me. Have my motives questioned. That would not do. I needed to stay in control.
I stripped off and made my way to bed, the moonlight flickered through the curtains. 3 days and I would be locked in the cell, bones cracking and popping, fighting the beast inside my head. I closed my eyes, trying to remember a time when I was happy. That seemed like a fairytale. Maybe it was. For this life was not fairytale, no this was a never ending nightmare and there was no end in sight. Only death.
.
That mudblood bitch thought she would get away with what she did to my father. I will show her. They didn't catch me because I was actually careless, oh no they caught me because I wanted it. When the time was right I would have my vengeance on that bitch. I will make her bleed and scream as I cut into her. Oh yes Granger you better watch your back because I am coming for you. For all of you.
.
I walked into Malfoy's cell. The stench hitting the back of my throat, it's the type of smell that makes your eyes water and your gag reflex kick in. For someone that had been here for two weeks and had been tortured he still held an arrogance about him. Like he was superior to everyone in this place.
Malfoy was lower than dirt.
"Ah look the mudblood whore. Come back to play again?" His grey eyes danced in amusement. Sod cutting out his tongue maybe plucking one of those grey eyes out his head would be more satisfying. Surely that would make him scream.
"You know Malfoy you could just tell us Tom's plans and then you wouldn't have to go through all of this. Not that I don't enjoy torturing you, it's the highlight of my day if I am honest." I sat on a seat in front of him. I know he won't tell me anything but persistence is key.
"Who knew you were a sadistic bitch. That good girl, bookworm shit was all an act at Hogwarts? Who knew you actually got off on hurting people. I wonder what your precious Potter would think." He was trying to bait me and I knew it and he knew I knew it.
"Tell me Granger what would mummy and daddy think? Do mudblood parents bring up their kids to be torturing pieces of shit Granger? Hmmm. I bet they don't, no I reckon if your parents could see you now they wouldn't recognise the woman in front of them. Little Granger with the buck teeth and crazy hair is gone. Instead is this monster who probably gets wet just by torturing someone. Just as well mummy and daddy are dead isn't it?" He stared at me and smirked. Those grey eyes staring at me. Those eyes so like his fathers. The spell was on my lips. I flicked my wand.
"Crucio"
I had used all the unforgivable curses, if I had to pick a favourite this was it.
The red light touched Malfoy's chest and he dropped to the floor like a stone. Twitching, gasping but no screaming - how - disappointing. It was more satisfying when they screamed. It was almost like a sweet melody to my ears.
I leant down my mouth hovering over Malfoy's ear. I could hear his ragged breathing.
"At least my parents loved me, I wasn't just a pawn like you." I raised my wand.
"Hermione - you know we aren't allowed to do that." Fred stood in the doorway looking at me, disapproval evident on his face. His brown eyes taking in the scene before him.
I straightened up looking down at Malfoy who was staring up at me. A sharp kick to the ribs and I left Malfoy twitching and groaning on the floor as I stepped over him.
"Its not like you haven't thought about it Fred, his father killed your parents. All for trying to protect us. What about my parents Fred? MINE! He tortured them and butchered them. His aunt used this very same spell on me at Malfoy Manor. If you ask me fair is fair."
"It doesn't make it right Hermione. You know if she found out there would be consequences for you." I walked over to Fred. My fingers trailing over his chest. He visibly swallowed. I stood on my tiptoes my mouth hovering over his ear.
"Well I guess it's just another secret for us to share then isn't it." I kissed him on the cheek and walked out the cell leaving Malfoy to spasm and twitch on the cold, dirty floor. Like the piece of shit he is.
.
"How are you feeling today Hermione?" I looked up from my papers to see Lupin, I internally groaned. What did he want now? I had to try and not roll my eyes at him. Here came my daily dose of let's get Hermione to acknowledge she still has some good in her.
I looked at Lupin for someone who had lost the boy he saw as a son and also sent his actual son away he was holding up remarkably well, but it was all a facade.
"Oh Hello, do come in. I am feeling great, on top of the world Lupin. What about you?" Sarcasm hanging heavily in the air. He sighed and came and sat on my bed. I really wish he wouldn't sit on my bed.
"Truly Hermione, how do you feel? I heard you crucio'd Draco today. You know we have to keep him alive, we can't have you - well just try and keep your temper in check." I laughed, I was so past all his bullshit.
"Ok Lupin you really want to know? I feel like I want to rip his throat out, I want to feel his warm blood running down my hands and arms, to see the light fade from those eyes that look so much like his fathers. I want to send him back to Lucius piece - by - piece." I smirked at him.
"That is how I truly feel." He grimaced and took in a deep breath.
"What would Harry think?" My blood felt like acid in my veins, bubbling, burning, scorching. Why, why did they always do that.
"What would Harry think?" My voice getting louder, the anger and magic pulsing through me.
"HARRY IS DEAD!"
Lupin flinched at my words.
"Harry is dead and I can't help thinking he had a lucky escape. He doesn't have to put up with all this shit. No he's dead not giving a fuck about anything. We need to stop thinking what would Harry think because Harry isn't here, he is dead. We are the ones that matter now Lupin. What we think. No more Harry this, Dumbledore that. They. Are. Dead." I took a deep breath my heart battering away in my chest.
"Hermione I - you kids have been through so much." I stared at him intently and laughter bubbled and came roaring out of me.
"Kids - kids! We haven't been kids ever since we got to Hogwarts, since we walked through those damn gates. Child soldiers are more accurate description, Dumbledores puppets, but not kids. Our childhoods were taken from us and none of you did a thing about it."
"Harry was raised to only be slaughtered for the good of the Order, the good of the wizarding world and look where that got us. Hmmm... nowhere. Ron and I stuck by him through everything. Risked our lives and our families for nothing!"
My body was vibrating, emotions coursing through my blood. Anger, sadness, hate.
"Speaking of kids. You should have left with Teddy and Andromeda. You should have taken Tonks and escaped. Do you really want to know what I think Remus? What I really think? We are all going to die. It's just a matter of time. That is what I think. Now if you please get out my room. I can't stomach anymore bullshit today." Lupin stood and considered saying something but he just turned and walked out my door.
What can I say. The truth hurts, sometimes it hurts worse than a dagger to the heart.
.
The day of the full moon arrived and in this dank piss smelling cell I paced up and down like a caged animal. To think this cell was one of the nicer ones, not that there was anything in it. It was four stone walls with a small window with bars.
I looked out the window the sun was setting, beautiful colours streaked the sky. How is it that despite everything that was going on there was still beautiful things in the world.
It was going to be a clear night. The moon would be full and the stars shining bright. Hermione remembered how her and her parents would take a drive and go star gazing. Her dad would be telling them all the different constellations and her mum would have her wrapped up in blankets and offer them hot chocolate and cookies her and her mum had baked that day. She would lie between her parents and feel safe and warm.
That was another lifetime ago and now I was in this cell, cold and awaiting the beast within me to show.
.
I fell to the floor, vibrations coursing through my body. My blood felt like acid as if it was rushing up and down my body. Then pain, the pain was like knives were being dragged deep into me, tearing at my insides, ripping me apart. Holy fuck the pain.
My bones snapped and popped taking on a life of their own, I could feel them moving on their own under my skin, like snakes slithering in me. So much pressure in my head. I felt like I could explode. I looked at my hands my nails beginning to extend, they felt like someone was trying to pull them out. I threw my head back and screamed as the beast within me tried to break free.
.
I was startled awake. What the fuck was that? Screaming? It sounded like someone was being tortured, it sounded like - Granger. Maybe I was going to be found. Maybe I would finally be free of this rancid smelling hellhole. Hopefully someone was torturing her. A manic smile spread across my face. I hope she was still alive I would love nothing more than to slice and carve into her skin. To hear her scream for me. To see the fear in her eyes.
The noises had stopped. I could only hear the dripping of water and then a howl. A long, torturous howl - a howl of a - werewolf. They had a fucking werewolf. Then another long howl but this one was different. Two, they had two fucking werewolves. One must be Lupin but the other, who could be the other? I was used to werewolves, the Dark Lord sullied the ranks with them but I didn't realise the Order had two, one yes but not two. Could the other one be that filthy mudblood? Could her blood be even dirtier? Could Harry Potters mudblood whore really be a werewolf?
.
I was lying on the cold filthy floor, I felt weak and my body ached all over. The door clicked open and Fred walked in shooting me one of his trademark smiles.
"You look like shit darling, not surprising you were very feisty last night." I carefully stood up and I didn't miss the way he looked at my naked body. I quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Did you bring me any clothes or are you just going to stand there and eye fuck me all day?" He came behind me and helped me into a robe.
"Maybe later you'll let me do more than eye fuck you?" He nipped my earlobe and I could feel my nipples pebble and rub against the fabric. Desire pooling between my legs.
My hand reached behind me and I started to massage his cock through his trousers. A hand came up and grabbed my hip.
"If you don't stop that I will fuck you right here in this filthy cell. I know you would much rather have a shower right now." Truth was I wanted both. I wanted nothing more than anything for Fred to pin me against one of these filthy cell walls and fuck me so hard that my back would bleed, feeling the bite and sting as my body was pushed up and down the wall.
On the other hand I wanted a shower. To clean myself of last night. I felt dirty but it was a kind of dirt you could never wash away.
I moved away from Fred and smirked at him.
"I'm already dirty." I dropped my robe. Standing naked in front of him again. I could see hunger flash in his eyes.
"Why don't you come and be dirty with me?" I leaned against the wall. My back was going to be in ruins and I couldn't wait.
.
This fucking hellhole. I couldn't wait -
"Fuck yes, fuck just like that."
I stopped my brooding and listened.
"Right there, fuck me."
A woman's voice, Granger's voice. Someone was fucking Granger. Oh fucking Salazars beard. What? Why? Who - the fuck would - no I didn't need to hear this. I didn't want to hear that mudblood getting fucked.
"I'm - I'm going to come, keep going. Fuck that's it. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Going to come all over your cock - right - now. FUCK!"
.
The water washed over my body, I stared down and watched as the red and black watered swirled around the plug and disappeared. My back stung, it felt like the water was biting into my skin. Pain and anger was all I felt now. Love, happiness, joy all replaced by pain and anger.
Falling into bed and going to sleep wasn't a problem it was the nightmares, they were my biggest problem. Seeing my parents, seeing what happened to them, hearing what happened to them and not being able to do a thing about it.
"Hermione, Hermione darling don't look. Close your eyes darling. Remember we love you. We will always love you." The gurgling scream of my mum woke me with a start. Sweat was pouring off my body, my heart beating so fast. I sighed the nightmares were so vivid like I was reliving it again and again.
I dragged myself out of bed and looked in the mirror. I traced the scars of my bite with my fingers feeling the raw bumpy uneven lines. Seeing these scars everyday brought the memories flooding back, the whole damn thing. This was my own personal hell.
A/N: What do we all think of the first chapter?