A/N: New chapter for y'all. Enjoy. R&R, but again, be nice.
Once Bucky gets settled on the couch, Dr. Christina Raynor sits in her chair and looks at the ex-assassin.
"So Mr. Barnes, are you still having nightmares?" She questions, however she is met with silence. Bucky is staring off into the middle distance, still distracted by his old love who had recently wormed her way into his mind. "James, I asked you a question. Are you still having nightmares?" Bucky remains silent for a moment before responding.
"No." Just from that one word, Dr. Raynor knows Bucky is lying.
"We've been doing this long enough that I can tell when you're lying." Dr. Raynor states, matter-of-factly. "Well, you seem a little off today. Did something happen recently?"
At hearing her ask this, Bucky almost wanted to say yes. Just so that way someone could tell him that he's hallucinating. But of course he decides to go in the opposite direction.
"No." Bucky calmly says.
"You're a civilian now. With your history, the government needs to know that you're not gonna…" She trails off and makes a stabbing motion with her hand to get her point across. Bucky nods in understanding. Honestly, he wouldn't trust him either. "It's a condition of your pardon. So, tell me about your most recent nightmare." He lets out a humorless chuckle before looking at the window then back at Raynor.
"I didn't have a nightmare." At this point, Bucky can't tell if he's trying to convince Raynor or himself. If she could, Dr. Raynor would have rolled her eyes, but she knows that would be unprofessional. Instead she decides that desperate times call for desperate measures. She lets out a deep breath before pulling her pen out. "Oh, come on. Really? You're gonna do the notebook thing? Why? It's passive aggressive." Bucky lets out an exasperated sigh. Trying to look anywhere other than the doctor, he decides that the flower vase in the corner is suddenly very interesting.
"You don't talk. I write." Dr. Raynor says with a shrug of her shoulders. Deciding to take the lesser of two evils between sitting in awkward silence and actually talking about something, Bucky concedes.
"Okay. Okay." Bucky sighs before continuing. "I crossed a name off the list of my amends yesterday." When the doctor lifts her head, Bucky can anticipate her next question. "Don't worry. I used all your three rules. Senator Atwood. She was a HYDRA pawn for years. Helped her get into office when I was the Winter Soldier. And after HYDRA disbanded, she continued to abuse the power I gave her." Bucky thinks back to his "activities" yesterday. From bugging the car to making his amends, knowing full well he had broken two of the three rules.
"So, rule number one, you can't do anything illegal." Raynor says.
"All I did was give some intel to the aide to convict her. And I wasn't involved in anything else." Bucky says, lying right through his teeth.
"Rule number two?" Raynor asks him. Deciding to be a smart ass, Bucky gives a smart ass response.
"What was rule number two?" Bucky acts like he's trying to remember the simple rule.
"Nobody gets hurt. It's a big one." Raynor responds with just as much attitude as he's been giving her.
"Then why isn't it rule number one?" Bucky is beginning to wonder if thinking about Madison so much is beginning to bring out the sarcasm in him. Even though she's not even there, she still has an effect on him. If Raynor could, she would have thrown her notebook at the stubborn 106 year old man sitting in front of her, but decides to take a different approach. "I didn't hurt anybody. I promise." Yet, another lie.
"And what about rule number three?" Raynor asks, a little concerned about what she might hear. "The whole point of making amends is to fulfill rule number three."
"You know, you're a cynic, Doc." Bucky has always found a way to deflect. It's something that he picked up from years of hanging around Madison. Whenever it came to something bothering her, she never let on how much she was hurting. It bugged the hell out of him because all he wanted to do was help but she was a very secretive person. He kind of adopted some of her personality traits in a way. "Of course, I completed rule number three. I am no longer the Winter Soldier. I am James Bucky Barnes… and you're part of efforts to make amends." He recited that little mantra, followed by a smile that anyone, blind or not, could tell was fake.
"So, you did it all right, but it didn't help with the nightmares." Raynor begins to put two and two together.
"Well, like I said, I didn't have any." Bucky is really trying to sell that lie to someone who just isn't buying.
"Look… one day, you're gonna have to open up and understand that some people really do want to help you and that they can be trusted." Raynor tried to reason with the man, but it's like talking to a brick wall.
"I trust people." Bucky says, trying to be confident. Raynor has officially had enough and decides to cut the crap.
"Yeah? Give me your phone." Bucky sighs, digs his phone out of his jacket pocket and hands it over to Raynor who puts her notebook and pen on the table next to her. Once she has the phone in her hand, she begins scrolling through it. "You don't have ten phone numbers on this thing. Oh, and you've been ignoring the texts from Sam. Look, you've gotta nurture friendships. I am the only person you have called all week. That is so sad." Raynor closes the phone and tosses it back to Bucky, who couldn't look any less interested. "You're alone. You're a hundred years old. You have no history, no family…"
"Aer you lashing out at me, Doc? Because that's really unprofessional, you know? When did that start? Yelling at your clients?" Bucky begins. As he continues to talk, Raynor grabs her notebook and slams it on her leg. "The notebook. That's great." Bucky sighs, knowing that this is getting him nowhere. "All right, give me a break. I'm trying, okay? This isn't…" Bucky trails off, not really knowing how to voice what he's feeling. "This is new for me. I didn't have a moment to deal with anything, you know? I had a little… calm in Wakanda. And other than that, I just went from one fight to another for 90 years."
"So, now that you've stopped fighting, what do you want?" That question hit Bucky like a ton of bricks. There were so many things that he wanted and a lot of it he couldn't have. He wanted Steve to be alive and well, he wanted to be free of his PTSD, he wanted to be able to sleep at night without having to worry that he'd wake up a few hours later in cold sweat because of another nightmare, he wanted to be able to enjoy his life without having to wonder where the next fight is, and most importantly, he wanted to be able to see Madison again. Even though he has only recently begun thinking about her again, that love is still there and is stronger than ever. There are so many things he wanted to be able to do with her and tell her, but he knows he'll never have the chance. He has been kicking himself for decades that he didn't tell Madison he loved her before he left.
"Peace." He calmly answers, summing up everything he is thinking about.
"That is utter bullshit."
"You're a terrible shrink." Bucky begins to clam up again and wants to recede back into his shell.
"I was an excellent soldier, so I saw a lot of dead bodies, and I know how that can shut you down. And if you are alone, that is the quietest, most personal hell. And, James, it is very hard to escape. Look, I know that you have been through a lot, but you've got your mind back, you are being paranoid. I mean, these are good things. You're free." Raynor finishes her little rant with a phrase that once brought Bucky joy, but now, he doesn't even know what that means.
"To do what?" That is a genuine question. Bucky has been led around and told what to do for as long as he could remember. He doesn't even really remember what it means to be free.
"Well, James, it means you can go order a coffee without having to shoot someone." Raynor jokes, but at the same time being deadly serious. "That is all the time we have today and we will talk again next week. Until then, stay out of trouble." Raynor closes her notebook and Bucky takes that as his cue to leave. After exiting the therapist's office, Bucky makes his way to his friend Yori's place and is greeted with Yori almost smacking a guy. After a few minutes of trying to settle the argument, Bucky finds himself at his usual Wednesday hang out with Yori, who is trying to see him up on a date.
"You should ask her out…" Yori says, referring to their waitress, Izzy. At hearing this, Bucky almost chokes on his food and gives Yori a look, warning him not to do anything. Of course, Yori doesn't listen and jumps the gun. "He would like to take you out on a date. Maybe to bingo or a night of pinochle?" If Bucky could, he would have run out of there screaming.
"I'm really sorry about him." Bucky apologizes to Izzy. She chuckles as she wipes down the counter.
"Why are you sorry? I'm game." Izzy responds with a sly smile on her face.
"Wow…" Bucky is taken aback by the fact that she acts so nonchalant about it.
"Tomorrow night, then?" Yori asks.
"Tomorrow night's great." She chuckles at the old man's boldness and Bucky's bashfulness. "Just maybe not pinochle."
"What's wrong with pinochle?" Bucky says, being a little bit of a smart ass.
"Yeah…" Yori chimes in, backing Bucky up. Izzy can't help but laugh at the relationship between the two men.
"I have a shift, but if you wanna come back here, I should be done around 10:00." After that, Izzy walks away to deal with another customer. Bucky gives her a shy smile, then turns his attention to the man next to him.
"I can't believe you did that. There's a dance to these things. You can't… You gotta warm up and I haven't danced since 1943… it feels like." Bucky takes a shot, then notices that Yori is zoned out a little. "What's wrong?" Yori mumbles something in Japanese about his son and how he loved the red bean mochi.
"He had a job with a consulting company and, uh, he was working abroad and he was killed. The police said 'Wrong place, wrong time,' but I will never know what really happened to him." At hearing the old man's words, Bucky begins to feel crushing guilt. "I felt it was strange. In here." Yori puts his hand on his chest, over his heart, and shakes his head. Bucky realizes what Yori is going through and it kills him that he is the cause of it.
"I've gotta go, Yori. Stay as long as you want and I'll see you later." Bucky finishes his final shot, drops some money on the bar and walks out. Bucky walks around the streets of Brooklyn for an hour and lets whatever he's feeling guide him. He somehow ends up in an older part of town that hasn't really changed since he was a child. Bucky takes a seat on a bench and it hits him like a ton of bricks. He looks around and immediately knows where he is and for the second time today he has a flashback, to when he met Madison for the first time.
*Flashback*
At fourteen years old, Bucky and Steve knew how to get into trouble. The two boys were running around in the nicer part of Brooklyn and they ran into a group of boys, who were a year or two older. The group of boys were picking on a group of four girls, who were the same age as Bucky and Steve and even younger, who couldn't look any less amused if they tried. The girls were sitting on and around some bench with books in their hands and looked as though they were ready to straight up smack the idiot boys in front of them.
"Girls shouldn't read. It makes you less attractive." One of the boys, the leader more or less, sneers at the girls before snatching one of the books from a thirteen year old Madison.
"Give me the book before I hurt you." Madison threatens. The boys just laugh at her threat and actually ripped the book apart. Bucky then decides to step in with Steve following behind him, praying that his friend won't do anything stupid. But, of course, luck is not on Steve's side.
"Hey! Give the girl her book back, Richie." Bucky says, standing eye to eye with the boy named Richard, Richie for short. Everyone turns to look at them. The boys with annoyance and anger, Madison with intrigue and a little admiration and the other girls with curiosity and surprise.
"And what are you gonna do if I don't, Barnes?" Richie gives Bucky a slight push. Bucky goes silent for a moment and slightly turns, like he is about to leave. Before anyone can even move, Bucky's fist makes contact with Richie's face. The girls gasp as Richie's head snaps backward, the boys are ready to jump the boys and Steve is wondering why he was even here. "You're gonna pay for that." Suddenly it turns into an all out brawl in the middle of the street. It takes all four of Madison's older brothers to come running out of the house and yank the boys apart to keep them from killing each other.
"What the hell is going on here?" Madison's brother, Jack (age 21), yells. All the boys begin yelling, trying to tell the story.
"Shut it!" Madison's brother, Peter (age 18), shouts and the boys' mouths immediately snap shut. Three of the boys are wearing military uniforms, which strikes a little fear into the younger boys.
"Maddy, fill us in." Madison's brother, Edward (also age 18), looks at his younger sister who has been standing in front of her younger sisters.
"Well, Joyce (age 7), Kathleen (age 9), Virginia (age 11) and I were sitting here, reading and talking when Richie came up to us saying that it wasn't proper for girls to be reading and that we should be focused on other things like getting a husband. Then he took my book and started ripping it to shreds. That's when these two stepped in and then the next thing I know, it's a full on fist fight." Madison explains while looking at her brothers.
"Thanks Maddy. We'll take it from here. Go on inside." Madison's final brother, Mark (age 17), says and gestures for the girls to go back into the house.
"Oh… But I wanna see how they'll be punished." Joyce, says with a pout. The boys look at Madison with smiles on their faces, who nods in response and rolls her eyes. Madison picks up her sister and leads the others into the house. The boys wait until the door closes before turning back to the boys with scowls on their faces.
"Now that they're gone…" Peter says while cracking his knuckles, causing all the boys to shrink away. Edward nudges his twin in the ribs.
"Knock it off, Pete. Listen just get outta here and stay away from each. The last thing any of us need is you guys killing each other." Jack says. The younger boys nod and Richie and his gang walk away. The brothers turn their attention to Bucky and Steve, who were both pretty badly beaten.
"You ok there, kid?" Mark asks, putting a hand on Bucky's shoulder.
"Yeah. We've taken worse." Bucky says.
"Thanks for standing up for our little sister. We appreciate it." Edward says with a smile and the other brothers nod in agreement.
"My pleasure." Bucky returns the smile. Mark pats Bucky on the shoulder and the brothers retreat into the house.
"Why is it you get me in these situations?" Steve asks as he and Bucky are about to walk away.
"Hey…" They turn around to see Madison walking down the stairs of her house. When she finally reaches them she looks at them both, but focuses on Bucky a little more. "I just wanted to say thank you. You didn't have to step in but you did."
"No one should treat a girl like that." Bucky says with a smile. Madison returns the smile and Bucky's heart skips a beat. "I'm James Barnes, by the way, but people call me Bucky. And this is Steve Rodgers." Bucky gestures to Steve, who nervously waves.
"I'm Madison Brook." She waves back.
"Your brothers are in the army?" Bucky asks, stating the obvious.
"No, they just have the uniforms." Madison says while remaining dead serious. Both boys look at her strangely before she bursts out laughing. "I'm kidding. Yes, three of my four brothers are in the army and the second Mark turns 18 he's going to enlist as well." Madison tucks a strand of light brown hair behind her ear.
"I've always wanted to go into the army. We both want to enlist." Steve says with a smile. Madison looks at both of them.
"I wish you luck in enlisting, when the time comes." Madison smiles. "You'll both look great in the uniforms." Bucky and Steve look at each other, then back at Madison.
"Maddy, mom says dinner's ready." Virginia yells from the front porch.
"Ok… I'm coming." Madison yells back. "I'll see you guys later." Before she leaves, she plants a kiss on Bucky's and Steve's cheeks. "Thanks again." She runs back into her house and closes the door. Steve looks at Bucky, who is still staring after Madison with the biggest, doppiest grin plastered on his face.
"I think she likes you." Steve says, nudging Bucky. It didn't faze him in the slightest.
"What'd ya say?" Bucky says, sounding dazed and dreamy. Steve laughs before starting to walk away.
*End of Flashback*
Suddenly Bucky's phone buzzes in his pocket, pulling him out of daydream. It said it was from an unknown number.
'See you soon, Buck.'