Jean's brow furrowed and she dropped her eyes to their hands as they rested on his knee. His thumb was moving along the back of her hand at the same time soothing her mind and making her heart flutter. When She looked back up at him the intensity of his blue eyes held her. "Lucien, I need to be where I'm needed. When you started on this crusade about your mother's death it was as if the rest of us just faded into the background. I won't be an afterthought and I worry that I will be the next time your attention is drawn away. You can't just push everyone away and then assume they'll be there when you decide you need something from them."
Lucien dropped his gaze. Is that why she was determined to leave? That she was merely an after-thought, a small little piece of his mind that he only acknowledged when it suited. He thought he'd been showing her she meant so much more to him and that he wanted to mean so much more to her as well. He tried to convey he was waiting only on her say so, that he'd do what ever she asked and wrap her in love and affection.
"Your very right Jean, I'm sorry. I guess I felt it was my own demons I was trying to exorcise. I didn't want to burden you, or anyone really, and I wasn't really sure I was right about her death in any case. I'm so accustomed to being alone and dealing with problems on my own I forget that I'm surrounded by people who can help."
"Remember, I took the message from the Department of Health denying your request and it was obvious that you weren't going to talk about it really. If we are to grow closer we can't keep things from each other."
"So tell me Jean, Let's see what we can do about your worries. I want to make sure, more than anything, that your happy. I want you to be happy. You deserve so much."
"You, your house" Lucien opened his mouth to protest, "OUR house." Jean corrected squeezing his hand. "The garden, my church, Mattie, Charlie all of it. I'll miss it dreadfully. This wasn't an easy decision for me Lucien."
"I know, I know." Lucien pulled her closer
"I need you to know that I decided to leave because, I felt we, well.. I, was getting too close and I'm not sure what that will mean."
"I'm hoping that will mean we can actually go to out together, that I'll be allowed to hold your hand and show you affection. I don't want to hide Jean. What I feel for you, I want share everything. I want to be able to kiss you and hold you when I want. I want to plan a future together. Do you want any of those things?" His pleading look, full of hope and fear acted as an anchor to her heart.
"I want all of them, but I can't move forward if you won't make sure that our relationship is the priority. What your asking, means we could be creating a lot of trouble for both of us." Lucien made to interrupt her, "I know you don't care about that but you need to." She gripped his hand tighter. "People are not going to come to a doctor who is stepping out with his live-in housekeeper."
"That anyone could think poorly of you Jean, I just can't see how. We'll just ignore the gossips. They can go to blazes."
"Lucien, they already talk about us. If we are seen stepping out together we'll just be confirming what they already think. We can't pretend it's not happening. How would that look at Sacred Heart? I can't imagine If I would be welcome there if people knew, I've gone to that church my whole life."
"Jean, I don't want to put you in a difficult position. I just want us to have the opportunity to get to be together. We don't have to date per se. If you don't want to be seen together in public we won't go to a restaurant or the cinema, but maybe we can be more creative. A picnic or walks, nothing salacious just two people taking a stroll. I would like to at the least sit in the evenings together and get to hold your hand while we watch tv or read or talk. Maybe we can go out of town together on occasion."
Jean's eyes widened at the last statement. Was he thinking of a dirty weekend? Her mind was trying to grasp the possibilities of what he was saying. It would be wonderful to be somewhere no one knew them or cared. Getting to behave as normal couples would while courting. Holding his hand as she was now, was rooting her to hope and thoughts of the future. As her heart pounded in her chest reflecting her imagining about all the possibilities, letting herself embrace this dream of being loved and held and finally a sense of belonging. She looked into his eyes and was pulled in. Her life had been so very predictable for the last few years that when he blew in thru the front door of his father's house she was stumbling along trying to guess what he'd do or need and felt she failed repeatedly. She grasped on the one comment he made that seemed to be obviously wishful thinking on his part.
"Lucien, I'm not sure either of our reputations would weather going away together."
"Jean we are on a bus, together, on our way to Adelaide right now. How do you expect everyone to think of that? Listen," He squeezed her hand, "I know there will be challenges but I think, I know, that being together would be worth the difficulties."
"I'm ready Lucien. I know what I want for my future." And she decided she wanted it all. Every touch, every smile he bestowed made her want to hold on to him with both hands. She'd never been as tactile as Lucien but she longed to run her hands thru his hair, to rest her head on his shoulder while watching the sunset, Kiss him good bye as he left the house to whatever case was drawing him away. Intimate dinners and even more intimate breakfasts. Being able to claim him as hers.
The smile on his face was luminous, "That's wonderful Jean. We can go as fast or slow as you want. I'll let you decide how we proceed. I don't know what I'd do without you, Jean."
"Well" Jean sighed, "Our first decision is what to tell Christopher. I can't imagine what he'll say when he sees you."
"He's a good lad Jean. I think he'd be happy for you." Then a thought struck Lucien. Is she afraid of what her boys would say? Jack certainly didn't like him but he thought that Christopher seemed to be agreeable. Of course, Christopher was just seeing his mother and her employer that night. "Do you want him to know?"
"Yes, he is. Oh, I don't know Lucien, I'm not sure what I'll be walking into at their house. I don't really know what is needed. He says that Amelia is healthy but Ruby did have a difficult birth. It might be a matter of just getting things situated and help with a routine. I'm not even sure where I'll be staying initially. I know that the housing on base is quite small so I may need to find some lodging. We'll certainly have to find you somewhere to stay." Ever practical his Jean, "How long do you intend to stay?"
Lucien fidgeted, "Yes, well, I didn't have a plan really. Frankly, my only thought was that I couldn't let you go and not see you." He smiled a sweet little smile and Jean felt herself smile back. "I'll have to call Mattie and Matthew and let them know when I get a chance."
"Well" Jean said finally, "I must say I was rather unsure of you when I was making the decision on whether to leave, but you chased down the bus…."
"Would you have stayed if I asked? I didn't want to pull you away from your children Jean. Finding Li was such a blessing even if we won't be able to be close. I know you love your boys."
"I do, I love them dearly but they are grown now. I wish we were closer, you know. Especially Jack, I don't know that he'll ever come around." Jean sighed and rest her head against Lucien's shoulder.
"You know, Christopher being in the service means he may have to move at any time anywhere. His being in Adelaide may be the closest he will be to you. You aren't thinking of following him where ever he is stationed are you?"
"Heavens no! I know that's not possible, I was trying to be prepared for anything really. The loan was to help give me more options. I knew that I couldn't live on base with Christopher and Ruby but I will need to make some sort of accommodation. Thank you for signing the papers without question."
Lucien looked down into her shining eyes "I could never say no to you Jean, I would give you the world if you let me." Jean couldn't keep the tears from falling. This man, this wonderful sweet man.
"Oh Lucien." She gave him a watery smile. "what am I to do with you?"
"I can think of a few things", he grinned and leaned forward to kiss her forehead gently. "but seriously," as he leaned back Jean raised her eyebrow, "why don't I stay a few days in Adelaide and we both can see what Christopher and Ruby need. I'll help any way I can and maybe it's just the nervousness of being new parents."
"Thank You Lucien, I would like to know nothing is medically wrong. I don't know what the base doctors are like."
"Well not particularly motivated to the care of new mothers I can tell you. We'll sort it out." He squeezed her shoulder. "Now, what our story." He looked down at her.