Chapter 2
He couldn't think, he couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, at least, not without the assistance of the drugs administered by Bob Mathias. The face which looked back at him in the bathroom mirror was haunted and hollow cheeked with red rimmed eyes. He seemed to be surviving on coffee and adrenaline, both of which were now making him feel sick.
You've got to get a grip Koenig, Helena would be horrified at the state of you, he admonished himself but the thought of Helena wagging a finger at him didn't generate any humour, it just brought a fresh wave of misery.
He'd been here before, when his wife had been killed in the world war of 1987. Although it was devastating at the time, he didn't remember it being this painful. He'd been younger then, of course and perhaps more resilient. He'd cried, got angry, got drunk and threw himself into his work. As the war ended, his career in the space program literally skyrocketed. Eventually, when he felt able to get himself back into the saddle, there had been women. Some brief dalliances with women who enjoyed his company but also had one eye on what an association with him could do for their public profile. There had also been a couple of longer lasting relationships but he never allowed them to develop into anything serious. Having loved and lost so tragically he'd unconsciously held back from commitment which probably explained his reticence in admitting to himself that he'd fallen for Helena Russell. Also it would have detracted from his first and deepest love, space. Now he had it in abundance but had lost the thing that gave his life the most meaning and he wondered just how he was going to be able to get through his loss this time.
He knew he ought to be thinking about Alpha and the problems his people faced but he didn't have the energy, Paul was doing a great job and he didn't see why he needed to interfere. The Moon was still locked in space, Arkadia hanging like an ominous beacon over them. There was still insufficient power and there didn't seem to be anything they could do to rectify the problems despite Victor's theories and the best efforts of the technicians. The base was still too cold and dark, power was being diverted from non-essential systems into food production and maintaining the environment. Moonbase Alpha was slowly sinking.
Luke Ferro and Anna Davis remained under house arrest.
John knew his friends and colleagues were concerned about him too but he didn't want them to use up their energy worrying about him. He just felt detached from reality and he fleetingly toyed with the idea of hurling himself out of the nearest airlock into the void of space. However, he knew that he wouldn't do it, it wasn't in his make-up. He'd undergone numerous psychological evaluations during assessment for his various career roles and although his passionate nature meant he occasionally tended towards hot-headedness, he was considered stable, reliable and not likely to buckle when the going got tough.
He had been spending most of his time in his office with the doors closed but eventually he decided to venture out into Main Mission and talk to Paul, Sandra and the rest of his staff, as a show of support if nothing else. He saw the concern for him on their faces and felt embarrassed and before long he retreated back to the quiet sanctuary of his office, wondering if he was on a downward slide into depression. He thought that maybe he should make the effort to talk to Bob about scheduling in some counselling.
John took himself to Helena's quarters, he knew he would have to face it at some point. He both wanted and didn't want to be there in equal measures. He wanted to surround himself with her, to see her belongings, her clothes, to breathe the residual scent of her perfume, to be near her. At the same time he was afraid of the pain it would cause him and that her lingering presence would only accentuate his feelings of loss.
He had the code to her quarters programmed to his commlock, she had been happy for him come and go freely. He let himself in and felt a wave of longing rush over him. It was just as she'd left it, after all, nobody else had been in here, there was a coffee cup with a lipstick mark on it on a table, a cream satin robe draped over the back of a chair. He picked it up, feeling the silkiness of the fabric and remembering the smoothness of her skin. He pressed the robe to his face and it rasped uncomfortably against the stubble.
Her clothes hung on the rail with her shoes and boots organised beneath them. There were just a few ornaments on her shelves, she was by nature neat and tidy and she'd always disliked clutter. The picture of Lee with their dog stood beside the discarded cup and everything looked normal, just as if she would be walking back in at any moment.
There was a framed photo of John and Helena together on her bedside table. It was a candid shot, taken at an Alphan social event and they were dancing. They hadn't realised that they were being photographed and they were looking into each other's eyes, her hands linked around the back of his neck, his on her waist. They might as well have been the only people in that room, they were so lost in each other, the love they shared simply radiating out of the picture. The amateur photographer had thought it such a lovely image she'd wanted them to each have a copy of it.
Helena had been wearing a full length, off the shoulder, jade green dress and he liked her in that, it brought out the green of her eyes. He glanced up at her hanging rail but couldn't see the dress there, maybe it was just as well. He picked up the picture and held it against his chest, once again feeling tears prickling at his eyes and suddenly finding himself a little unsteady, he sat down on the bed.
He asked himself again, why couldn't she have just ignored the red alert klaxon when it sounded? She'd have been safe in Medical – and she'd have been here now. But that wasn't Helena's way and she'd paid the ultimate price.
This time there was no reset button, no turning back of the clock, no wrinkle in the space time continuum to make things go back to what they were before. No one to tell him to "see what he wanted to see….." as Lee had told Helena on Terra Nova.
He felt exhausted and lay down full length on the bed, his head on the pillow. Maybe he could sleep for a while…it might do him some good. He closed his eyes and tried to let his tense body relax…he started to drift off…..
"John Koenig…."
Did he hear his name? Did someone call him? He opened his eyes but he was in darkness, he couldn't make out any details of the room around him. Why was it dark?
"John Koenig…."
There it was again. He was sure he knew that voice, he tried to remember. He dug deep into the recesses of his mind. Then it came to him and he sat up quickly.
"Arra?" he said.
The voice had sounded more youthful and smoother than he remembered. When he'd met Arra, the Queen of Atheria, he'd talked with her onboard her spacecraft when the moon had been on a collision course with her home planet. She had appeared to be so incredibly ancient, sitting there on her throne, her skin had looked like delicate paper, her voice had been soft but rasping and weary.
"Yes, it is I, John Koenig."
"Where are you? Why can't I see you?"
"You cannot see me because I am not as I was, I have a different form now. The coming together of our two worlds brought about the mutation of our people and we have moved on to the next stage of our evolution. But now it has become necessary for me to speak to you again."
"What do you want from me, Arra?"
"It is not what I want from you, John Koenig. It is what I must ask you to do so that you continue to play your small part in the great chain of destiny. To veer from the path laid out for you would have far reaching effects, more than you possibly imagine…..." She paused, as if to allow her words to sink in. "Your moon is being held by the planet of Arkadia but it must be released as its odyssey is not yet due to end. Your people must be able to travel on, to fulfil their own destiny, to expand their numbers and populate the deepest reaches of space."
"But what can I do? I have no control over it."
"You are wrong, John Koenig. It was ordained before the beginning of time as you know it that some of your people would return to Arkadia, to the planet which is the very origin of your kind. You intervened and prevented them from settling on that planet. Your moon will not be free until you allow them to go."
"They would have ultimately caused the deaths of all of us on Alpha. We are struggling to survive now as it is."
"At our last meeting, I explained to you that our two worlds had to be allowed to touch but your people were trying to prevent it happening. Then, it was your faith that ensured that both our journeys would continue. Now I must beg you to do the same again. You must give these two individuals what they ask for."
"But just the same as before, even if I trust you, my people will not believe me."
"It was a test of your command then. You will be tested once again."
John released a heavy sigh before continuing. "I just don't know if I have the strength this time."
Arra was quiet for a moment. "You believe you have lost something very precious to you. But you must not despair."
"The woman I love is dead because of my actions!"
"You have not lost her, John Koenig. In time, you will come to understand. What you know as death is just the transition to a new level of existence."
"Then prove it to me, Arra!"
He waited in silence for a response. Nothing. "Arra!" he shouted impatiently. He felt himself starting to get angry. How could she say something like that to him and just leave him hanging?
"John?"
He froze, it was as though the air had been sucked from his lungs. He'd heard Helena's voice in the darkness. "Helena?"
A glow started to develop in front of him and he watched transfixed as it slowly grew in intensity and began to take shape, like a swirling mist becoming a physical form. Growing ever clearer, increasing in substance, until there, before him, illuminated as though from within, stood Helena in her long green dress.
"NO!" he shouted. "Go away! Don't torture me like this! You're a dream. Leave me alone!"
He covered his eyes with his hands to save himself from the agony of seeing her, expecting it to be an hallucination. When he took his hands away, she was still there.
"I'm not a dream, John, I'm here as you know me because I need you to trust me."
He was standing now, trying to back away from the apparition but she came closer, arms outstretched to him. He realised he was sobbing. She looked so serene and beautiful, her hair was a little longer, blonder and softer and her skin seemed to have a radiance all of its own. She was smiling at him, inviting him to come to her.
"It is me, my love. Please don't be afraid."
He tried to avoid her touch, telling himself that it was just a vision, there would be no physical contact…..until her hands pressed against his chest and he could feel the warmth of her skin. She slid her hands upwards until they were behind his neck and she gently pulled his head down towards her. He gasped as she lifted her face and kissed his wet cheeks, then moved to his mouth, her lips were soft, they felt as they always had. Her tongue sought his and deepened the kiss, it seemed sweeter than any other they had shared before, his arms went around her body, pulling her hard against him.
He still did not want to let himself believe this was happening but he wanted it so much. He surrendered himself completely to this exquisite torture, he needed her so desperately. He felt his body responding and pressed himself against her and somehow their clothing had melted away and he could feel her smooth skin against his. Then they seemed to be on the bed, kissing, caressing, their hands roaming over each other's bodies as their urgency intensified, he buried his face against the curve of her neck and shoulder, breathing in her familiar scent. He ran his hand down to a breast, cupping it, revelling in the feeling of her soft flesh yielding to his touch. Her hands travelled from his shoulders, down his back to his hips, guiding him, welcoming him.
He moaned aloud with his desire and they moved together, looking into each other's eyes, their breathing becoming faster, building to a crescendo and at their moment of release, together…such ecstasy, he could not ever remember ever experiencing this intensity before and in his euphoria he felt as though they were soaring upwards….still in each other's arms…..up, up through the confines of Alpha to the heavens. The stars were so numerous and close together that it bathed them both in a silver glow, he saw swirling gasses and nebulas of amazing colours and far below, was Alpha…. and as their breathing slowed, they started to float back, slowly, gently as though pillowed on soft clouds…
If this was a dream, he did not want it to end. He tried not to analyse it too deeply and marvelling at what he believed had just taken place, he held her close, cradling her, her head was resting against his chest, he kissed her hair. "Helena, How…..why have you come back to me?" he whispered.
"Arra called to me," she replied, twisting around in the circle of his arms to face him. He could see the starlight reflected in her green eyes. "I have left your world for a different plane of existence. I have come to tell you that you have to save our people, John, you must believe what Arra has told you and send Luke and Anna to Arkadia so that the moon will be set free."
"I just don't know if I can do it again, I have no fight left in me. I've let you down, I've let all of Alpha down."
"You can do it, my darling. I am giving you the strength."
"But Helena, you are…." he couldn't bring himself to say the word. "I made the wrong call. I might just as well have killed you myself. How can you ever forgive me?"
"Shhhhh." She touched his lips with her finger to silence him. "There is nothing to forgive. Soon you will understand, I promise, but you're not ready for that yet."
"But what does that mean? Helena, I love you so much. I'm no good without you."
"I love you too and I've missed you, it was so hard to begin with…..I was taken away from you so suddenly."
He bent his head and kissed her deeply and longingly, they clung tightly together, he was afraid to relax his hold on her. He wanted this moment to go on and on.
"So what will happen now?" he asked her.
"Once the moon has been released, I will come back for you and we will be together again. But this time it will be for eternity."
He didn't get the chance to ask her to explain further as she started to fade from his arms. "No…..don't go, don't leave me," he pleaded. "Come back…"
"…for eternity, John," she repeated, she grew fainter and fainter until she was no longer there, his arms were empty, her words echoing into the distance until they were gone and there was silence. He cried out in desolation at his loss.
Then he opened his eyes and found himself still lying on her bed, fully clothed, clutching the framed picture. Looking around, the room appeared to be just as it had been before…before what? He tried to make sense of what he had just experienced, had it been a dream, the ramblings of his grief stricken mind or some weird trip courtesy of the sedatives? He was sure he could still taste her and smell her and feel her skin against his. Something was different though, he expected to feel empty and bereft but instead he realised he felt refreshed and energised.
Knowing the scale of the challenge ahead of him, he put the photograph back on the bedside table and stood up.
To be continued...
Thank you for your reviews, I hope you are still enjoying the story!