When she woke up the next morning to a knock on the door she groaned, her head aching and stomach turning from the late night binge drinking session she embarked on in her living room with nobody but the late night show hosts to keep her company.
She pealed herself off of her bed, where she slept on top of the blankets, wearing only a t-shirt and shorts. She didn't remember changing, but she was glad she at least had the ability to do it. There was more knocking, and she grumbled as she stumbled around, maybe still a little drunk. She couldn't tell. She peaked into the peephole and sighed.
"This is unexpected," she said, squinting against the lights in the hallway as she pulled the door open. All of her curtains were drawn and lights switched off, so the sudden brightness sent a shooting pain through her head.
Lee stood in the doorway with his hands in his pockets. "Are you- are you still drunk?"
She raised an eyebrow, feeling suddenly much more sober as she heard that little bit of anger on the edge of his words. She let go of the door and crossed her arms.
"No," she said, "hungover as hell, maybe. What's the matter with you?'
He took his hat off and revealed a nice gash across his forehead which was beginning to scab over. She winced.
"Got into a bit of a bar fight last night," he said with a smirk, "I guess we both had a rough night."
She sighed and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him in and locking the door behind him. She shook her head.
"Dammit, Lee, why'd you go and do that? Weren't you with the guys?"
"Yeah, they pulled me off of him," he said, "you should see the other guy."
She shot him a look and pulled a first-aid kit from her medicine cabinet in the kitchen, fighting the growing discomfort in her joints. She didn't hold her alcohol well.
"Not sure I want to," she said, forcing him to sit on an old wobbly stood while she pulled out some alcohol wipes, "why the fuck did you do this?"
He shrugged, and she could feel the weight of his eyes on her face. She tried really hard to focus on what she was doing so she didn't give anything away, but she suddenly felt very small next to him.
"Why do I do anything?" He asked, and his shift in tone made her look up at him and meet his eyes. They watched each other for a second, and she felt another ping of guilt grip at her heart. His words were calmer, not laced with sarcasm or anger, and much softer and sadder than she had ever heard him before.
"Is this about what I said?" She asked, looking at the bruising gash on his forehead while he kept his eyes trained on her face. She wiped the dried up blood away and accidentally picked the scab, a little bit of blood bubbling up. She reached for a gauze pad and held it there, trying to quell the bleeding before it got out of hand. Head wounds could bleed all day if you let them.
Lee let out a breathy sigh and she felt his eyes drop. She was relieved to not feel them glued to her anymore.
"I don't know," he said after a minute. "Maybe. I think it might be part of it. I don't know."
She drew in a careful breath as she pealed the gauze away, wiping the open wound with more alcohol wipes. He winced a little but hardly moved.
"Why'd you come here?" She asked, taking out some steri-strips and sealing off the wound. She went to the sink and washed her hands.
"I don't know," he said, leaning back on the counter, "I woke up in Tool's garage, I felt like shit, and nobody was around. Then the next thing I knew I was at your door."
She raised her eyebrows and dried off her hands, turning her attention to his bloody knuckles. She took a wet paper towel and carefully began to wipe them off.
"How sweet," She said, voice low while she inspected his hands to see if any of the blood was his, "you woke me up from my coma with that knocking. Did you get any blood on my door?"
"Nah," he said, shifting as she held his hand and cleaned his knuckles. "What'd you do after you disappeared?"
He was dancing around something, she could tell. She was still a little angry so she dismissed it, wanting to spare the both of them any other harsh words. The hangover was punishment enough.
"I came here," she said, grabbing another alcohol wipe and running it over his knuckles, "closed the curtains, put on some cheesy late night TV, and finished the rest of the vodka by myself."
He let her take his other hand after she finished the first one. His eyes were back on her, she could sense it, but she tried really hard not to make it obvious that she noticed.
"I didn't mean to take you by surprise last night," he said suddenly, and she looked up at him, brows twitching. She turned her attention back down to his knuckles, unsure of what to say. "I know how you all feel about her. I knew it before I said anything, so I don't know why I was so..." He trailed off.
"Look," she said with a sigh, noticing how his right hand was a bit more cut up than his left, "I'm not going to apologize for what I said. I might've lost my filter because I was a little buzzed, but I still think it's the truth. And I didn't say it out of some innocent jealousy, Lee. I said it out of respect for you, as my friend."
He pulled his hand away as she finished. She didn't find his eyes even though she knew he was looking for hers. She just picked up all the trash and threw it away and washed her hands again.
The anger was bubbling in her, though. He had a lot of nerve showing up at her apartment like everything would just be normal. She would do her best to make it that way, but that didn't mean she was okay with him treating her like a kid. He wasn't saying anything, and after a minute, she rested her hands on the edge of the sink to support herself. She thought over her words carefully.
"Is that who you really think I am?" She asked, closing her eyes to maintain her cool, "just some girl who'd let her selfish feelings get in the way of your life? Because, honestly, Lee, if that's what you think, then... God, I don't even know. Check your ego, I guess."
His lips parted as though he was going to speak, but after a second he snapped his mouth shut and she finally looked up to him, finding his eyes. He had the faintest bruise around his eye just under the gash, not quite a black eye, but it must've been a little sore. She went to the freezer and pulled out an old bag of peas and tossed them to him. He caught them and lifted them to his head.
"I'm not that person. There's more important shit in life than stupid crushes. And you're my friend, Lee. My friend. It really sucks to be dismissed as the little kid with a crush, because I'm neither of those things anymore."
His jaw tightened and loosened as he listened. She would always admire and have a bit of love for him, but she was content with the way things were. Well, with the way things were before last night, before he made such a stupid decision.
"I do love Lacy," he said, "and it's more complicated than just her cheating or not. I thought maybe you of all people would understand that."
She crossed her arms, unconvinced. He adjusted the peas on his head and she studied him, seeing that same shadow from last night dance around his features.
"If love were enough," she said slowly, glancing around his face because locking eyes was too much, "it wouldn't be so complicated. You could love somebody with every fiber of your being and your soul, you could go to the end of the earth and back for somebody, you could live and die for the ground that they walk on, but, Lee- none of that is enough if the other person doesn't feel the same. And just, from what I've seen, I don't know if she does."
He looked down and thought for a minute. She could tell he was working it over in his mind, but he needed to do that alone and not out loud. She turned to the coffee pot and started a brew, her head throbbing and heavy on her shoulders.
"Not to mention," she said, grabbing two mugs from the cabinet, "you didn't go to her last night or this morning. Maybe you came to me because you were still angry, or maybe you don't even know why, but... What you don't do says the same, if not more, than what you do."
She turned back to him, now on the opposite side of her little kitchen, and waited for him to respond. He glanced up at her, pulling the bag of peas from his head and setting it on the counter beside himself. Lee had made it a habit of stopping by Dusty's apartment if he needed fixing up, mostly because he was afraid of what Lacy might think if he had fresh wounds when he got home.
"I don't know," he said finally, leaning back. "I'm engaged to her. I wanna marry her."
They locked eyes for a long second before she finally broke away, turning to pour the coffee into the cups. She believed that Lee wanted to marry someone. He wanted a life with a house, a white picket fence, and maybe some kids. She just thought he was convincing himself that Lacy was the other half to the equation.
"What do you take?" She asked, not looking back at him.
"Black is fine."
She poured some milk into her own as well as some sugar and handed him his mug, the warm steam smelling fresh and waking her a little. She held the cup close to her chest and waited for it to cool before she sipped it.
"So why'd you beat the crap out of some guy?" She asked, watching as he sipped his slowly.
"I have a bad temper," he said after he swallowed, trying to force a bit of a smile. It was a sad attempt and she didn't reciprocate.
"I don't know about all that," she said. He raised an eyebrow, but she didn't elaborate. She just brought the cup to her lips and slowly felt how hot it was before letting it sink into her mouth.
"Maybe I punched that guy because I can't beat myself up," he thought out loud, sipping his coffee, "have you ever felt so sure of something in one moment, and so sure of the exact opposite the next? Say you're out on a mission, and you're sure one second that your plan will work, but then the next second you're sure everyone will die."
She let her head roll back, dizziness washing over her for a second before she spoke. "Maybe," she said, "but I think that's called doubt. Usually it means you gotta think about something a little more."
"Nah," he said, "I mean, when you are so sure about something that there is zero room for doubt. You're all in. The plan is a-go. But then one thing happens, one little thing, and all of a sudden you feel the opposite. You're sure, without any doubt whatsoever, that everybody is going to die."
"I don't usually come up with plans," she shrugged, "I just do what I'm told."
She knew he wasn't actually talking about a mission or getting anyone killed, it was just easier for him to relate to what he did for work instead of feelings. Even though he wore his heart on his sleeve, he wasn't great at understanding or deciphering his feelings.
He stood up and put his cup down, walking over to her and stopping right in front of her, maybe a little bit closer than he had ever been before. She looked up at him, taken aback and confused, using her mug as a barrier between them. He tried to string words together, but nothing he thought of made enough sense to say out loud. She finally broke the silence.
"Love isn't enough," she said again, "life isn't just about love. It'd be so easy if it was. And I know one day somebody will love you the way you're saying you love her. But she just isn't that person. She hardly knows what you do for a living, and even if you explained every detail of it to her she wouldn't understand. And that's good for her, but, Lee, for you? There are people out there that do understand and will give you what you need, not just what you want. And they'll know the difference."
He took the mug from her hands and looked down at her, into her eyes. She swallowed.
"And who can do that?" He asked. "You?"
She furrowed your brows, lowering her head and pushing him away. He stepped back, still focused on her face.
"Lee, you need... You need to figure things out with Lacy before you think about any of that."
"But answer my question," he said, "you think you could be that person?"
She had a splitting headache. She just wanted to sleep.
"Anybody with an expendable tattoo could be that person," she said.
He rolled his eyes, "yeah but me and the guys are never gonna be like that. I mean, you know that for sure. So come on, just tell me. Please?"
She swallowed and felt a pressure boiling up behind her eyes. Even if she admitted to herself that maybe she loved him, she knew that the exact same things she said about Lacy would be true. It wouldn't be equal, and she'd get burned. Just like she knew Lacy would never change, she knew Lee would never stop loving her, or whoever else came after her. Life wasn't about finding true love or whatever, it was about finding someone who could love her the same way and same amount that she loved them. That, and surviving.
"If love was enough," she whispered, shaking her head. He stepped back, seeming to understand. If love was enough, she'd be that person to go to the end of the earth and back for him, but like she said: it wasn't. Love wasn't enough for happiness when it would be one-sided.
"You are my friend," she said reassuringly, finding his eyes again, "I'm telling you all of this as your friend. You need to go figure things out. I need to go vomit up the contents of my stomach and sleep."
He watched her walk passed him, coffee cup in her hand, but he didn't say anything. She closed her bedroom door behind her and took a few deep breaths, fighting the urge to cry. He stared in her direction for a minute before he grabbed his keys and headed for the front door, locking it behind him and heading off into the day.