(Author's Note: Friendly reminder that if you want updates on when the next chapter is out, or a peek into my writing process, or any of my thoughts in general, you can find it all on my Twitter. Same username, same profile picture. Enjoy, Jell-O Squares! ~Doverstar)

Caitlin's apartment was cold.

Her bed was cold. Her bathroom was cold. The door handles were cold, the carpet was cold, the mug of tea on her nightstand was cold. You'd think she'd be used to it by now, and she was. She was used to the usual kind of cold. The kind that came in the winter. Or the kind that came from the AC unit being turned up too high. She was especially familiar with the kind that came from her nerves, from her metahuman abilities. From Killer Frost, buried deep within her.

But she wasn't used to this new kind of cold. The cold that came after she'd come home, home from Earth-66.

Caitlin lay in her bed, awake before her alarm was. She'd hardly slept. Cisco's words the night before kept ringing in her ears.

Something must've happened.

You can't be in the same room with Barry anymore.

It's all changed.

He was right, and it wasn't fair.

She had been back for over 7 months now. It didn't seem that long at first—reinstating herself on her home turf hadn't exactly taken forever, and being somewhere familiar often made the time pass by with ease. But around the 4th month, around the time winter started bowing out and spring came on the wind, things seemed to grow sluggish.

It wasn't that she didn't enjoy her friends anymore. It wasn't even that she was lonely—how could she be, with Team Flash at her side? If her ordeal on Earth-66 had taught her anything, it was how much she needed them, and how much human beings in general needed one another. You couldn't grow without help, and you couldn't survive without love.

Not lonely, not bored. But…restless. More and more as time dragged on.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. She should have been able to come home at last, feel that rush of joy at being with her family again, and moved on. Business as usual. She was so good at focus, so good at compartmentalizing. She was the queen of prioritizing. But the adventure on Earth-66 hadn't been like the others she'd experienced since meeting Barry Allen. Something pretty obvious was different about it, and it made her different.

"Nothing is wrong with Barry and I," she'd said.

Of course that wasn't true. She wanted it to be true. She'd almost convinced herself, but she could never hide anything from Cisco. Best friends seemed to gain antibodies against lying, stronger and faster the longer you knew them.

The things that had happened on Earth-66, months ago, had made being friends with the Flash a challenge, suddenly. It was frustrating to find herself constantly struggling with that particular face, no matter which Earth she was on. She'd thought it would be easier to come back to the original, but it seemed her emotions were stronger than she'd thought.

Every week that had passed, every hour, every laugh with her friends and victory on a mission—it reminded her of the people she'd left behind on Earth-66.

Talking to Harry didn't give her the rush her mind got, the shot of intellectual adrenaline, when she'd spent hours at that alternate version of Jitters planning things with Professor Stein. She could picture him now. The spectacles he kept readjusting, the smile he couldn't hide when he spoke of his wife Clarissa, the different ties he wore every day. She wished she knew how the Stein family was doing. Clarissa had to be fully back on her feet by now.

Seeing Wally on Earth-1, while he'd still been in Central City, before Jessie dumped him—it couldn't happen without Caitlin wondering how the Wally West of Earth-66 was doing. Was his father adjusting well to life out of prison yet? Was that Wally doing well in his engineering internship? Was Eddie Thawne-66 giving him the right advice, the correct amount of encouragement? Wally's self-confidence seemed to need so much more of a daily boost in that universe than it did here.

And Eddie—had the CCPD gotten back on their feet? Had they found a more permanent base of operations? Was Eddie himself still hanging around S.T.A.R. Labs? Was he rebuilding, now that his partner had been released? Caitlin remembered Eddie's smile, his determination to be the friend Savitar so clearly needed—

No. Caitlin rolled over, cutting off her alarm the moment it sounded. She wouldn't think of Savitar.

That, more than anything else, was eating her alive. Thoughts of the speedster a multiverse away, the one who looked like Barry Allen, the one who was Barry, a different Barry. If she let herself think of him the way she had in the first few months she'd been back—it was too much. Soon it was swallowing her whole.

Cisco's MP3 device had helped, for a while. She kept it firmly in her right pocket at all times, waiting to be used. To hear certain voices on the other end. But the more she communicated with that Earth, the less she could function on this one. How could she concentrate on one family when another was carrying on without her? In a different world?

I can't go back yet. She couldn't visit. She had promised to do so, and she'd keep that promise. Eventually, but not yet. No. Not until she'd gotten a handle on this—whatever this was. This desperation, this discontentment. Until she'd fully gained control of her emotions, learned to breathe Barry's air without symptoms of hunger, learned to be with her own team without missing another….

She couldn't return to Earth-66. It wasn't fair to Team Flash, who had always been there for her. And it wasn't fair to Team Savitar, who needed to create their own lives without her.

Cisco would have to give it up. She couldn't talk about Savitar. She couldn't talk about Earth-66. It made everything worse; it wasn't helping her get a handle on things. It was shoving her backward, not pushing her forward.

And she couldn't tell Barry any of it. It was out of the question. She looked at him and saw darker hair, darker clothes, a milky blue eye, a longer shadow. She shouldn't have. She should have seen her friend—the forensic scientist with endless energy and unlimited hugs. Two green eyes and Iris West on his arm.

The closeness she'd had with Barry was being stunted—no—it was shrinking. And the bond she'd shared with Cisco, the one that said she could tell him anything and he would understand, was fading too. Knowing that scared her more than any of them could see.

It all had to stop. She had to get control. She could do it, on her own, if she just had enough time. If she had enough space. Surely things would go back to normal soon?

Going to Earth-66, getting attached to that Cortex and that Jitters and that Barry—maybe…maybe it had been a mistake. It certainly hadn't made life any easier.

Queen of prioritizing. Queen of worry.

Was she imagining the ice stuck to the carpet beneath her heels as she donned her makeup? Nerves and shortness of breath usually brought out the meta in her, and the longer she psychoanalyzed her problems, the brighter the snowflake pendant around her neck seemed to glow. Keeping her powers at bay.

She had to ignore this. All these thoughts, all these feelings. She had to keep pushing it down. It was like her powers, like Killer Frost. If only you could invent a necklace that dampened your yearning.

She couldn't go back, and she couldn't talk about it. Not yet.

Her phone suddenly burst into a tinny rendition of Summer Lovin', sitting there on the bathroom counter, and she glanced at the screen. Barry was calling her.

Caitlin let it go to voicemail, brushing her hair for the second time that morning. Trying to ignore the gray, lifeless look in her own eyes. No wonder her friends kept asking if she was okay.

Summer Lovin' came back, this time a little louder.

Caitlin looked down. Now Cisco was calling. She answered it, counting to ten inwardly. One…two…

"I was just about to leave," she said, skipping the usual good mornings.

"Caitlin, you gotta get here like now."

Her heartbeat picked up. She knew that tone. Something big had happened. "Is everything okay?"

"We got—"

"Barry? Is Barry okay?"

Suddenly Caitlin was shaking. The urgent pitch in Cisco's words was throwing her back to the early years, back to poison gas and sentient gorillas and Eobard Thawne. Barry had tried to call her. Why hadn't she answered? She was his physician! How could she let this…whatever feelings these were—how could she let them get between her and the safety of her friend? Of Central City's best hope? If anything happened to Barry, to her own personal superhero, with those puppy dog eyes and the constant concern for her well-being—if anything happened to Iris' fiancé—Joe's son—she didn't know if she could handle it. And all because she couldn't manage her emotions.

"What? Barry's fine." Cisco sounded distracted; she heard his voice grow further away, as though he were moving his head further from the phone to talk to someone else. It got louder as he added, "Curling your hair can wait though, all right? We got a message from Wally on the Waverider."

She could breathe again. Barry was fine. Everyone was fine.

Except maybe Wally.

"The Waverider? I don't understand." Caitlin grabbed her lab coat, fumbling to lock the door on her way out. "How did Wally contact S.T.A.R. Labs from the temporal zone?"

"It's a time-ship, woman, there's a lot that doesn't make sense about this, okay? Tell you more when you get here."

Caitlin slammed the door to her car, wishing not for the first time that Barry wasn't the only speedster in town. When it came to emergencies, her vehicle never seemed to move quickly enough.

"Caitlin?" Cisco's voice crackling through speakerphone made her jump. She'd forgotten, in her haste, that he was still on the line.

"Yes?"

"Don't forget my cruller!"

Things couldn't be all that bad, then.

Team Flash were all assembled by the time she got there. Caitlin was used to being the second person to arrive for work each day—Harry was normally the first, considering he sometimes just spent the night at the Labs. To see everyone there, standing around the white winding desk, this early in the morning set alarm bells off in her mind.

Joe and Iris weren't there, which must have meant Wally himself wasn't actually in trouble. If he had been, Barry would've sped both Wests in with him, but today he seemed to be allowing them to sleep in.

Cisco started talking as soon as Caitlin entered the room, handing him his donut as she came to stand beside him.

"Harry heard it first." The engineer pointed to Wells with the exact same flourish a 7-year-old might use when tattling on his big brother.

Caitlin's eyes darted to Wells, waiting for the usual gruff, hushed explanation.

Instead, Harry unfolded his arms and reached out, tapping a few keys beneath the nearest monitor. The screens in the room sprang to life, speakers on full blast. Only an audio channel appeared, a spiking line that leapt and dipped depending on Wally's tone.

"…Barry? Iris?" came Kid Flash's voice, out of breath. "Anybody there?"

This went on for a few more seconds, Wally trying to contact them. He must have called while everyone had been sleeping. As he realized no one was going to intercept the message, he quickly got to the point.

The trouble was, the feed was fuzzy. It cut in and out, and it was hard to make sense of each word. It would get too quiet, then full of static and some kind of whirring, like a blender being suddenly turned on and then burnt out.

"Listen—" Every few seconds, Wally cut out, replaced by the broken blender sound. "—felt weird, so we had—Ray scanned me to see wh—" A new wave of static drowned him out.

"Why isn't it coming through? Is it the temporal zone?" Caitlin asked Cisco over the noise. "And how exactly are they able to send us this message?"

Cisco raised his eyebrows at her, frowning as he strained to listen. "Oh, because I know all the secrets of the time-space continuum, Caitlin, because I watched all 38 seasons of Doctor Who? Right?"

Caitlin rolled her eyes at him. "Can't you try to focus on—"

Harry practically growled, cutting her off. "'Scuse me, is our attempt to gather crucial information interrupting your conversation? Ramon?"

And then they were talking over one another. Caitlin leaned her head back, breathing hard through her nose. Another Wells/Ramon casserole of bickering, and all overlapping the irritating white noise blazing through the Cortex.

"I was just saying—"

"Don't just say, just stop. You don't have a—"

"—asked me a question, Harrison, you think I'm—"

"—hard enough trying to decipher the message without your un—"

"—sense, and oh, I'm sorry, maybe you should adjust your hearing aid—"

Barry stuck both fingers in his mouth and whistled loud, louder than the feed, louder than the men arguing at top volume in separate corners of the room. He even vibrated his vocal chords so that the whistle shook and made their spines tingly.

"Guys. For real right now?" Barry gestured to the screens, the black background with the buzzing, agitated line of sound.

Harry and Cisco fell silent, glaring at each other. Just in time—Wally's voice returned, quieter than before. It was as if he were far away, shouting at them from a distance. They were still hearing every other piece.

"Listen, there's something—with the Speed Force. Something dangerous. Ray scanned—so we don't know why it's—. But you gotta watch out for it. Barry, look—."

Caitlin chanced a glance at Barry. His shoulders were tight and hard, but his expression didn't seem as concerned as she felt it should. Things had been so good for the team lately; he might not have been expecting anything truly worth panicking over. But Wally had said something dangerous was coming.

Even now, in that second as she watched him, Caitlin was drawn to the pinch of Barry's eyebrows, the way his knuckles got white as his fist blocked his mouth, rubbing thumb and forefinger together the way he did when he was thinking hard. His S.T.A.R. Labs sweatshirt looked darker in the early-morning dimness of the Cortex, with half the lights still off. The absence of black and the presence of that swoop in his hair was unfair. So was his smell. Even the way he shifted his weight was too familiar, made the pounding of her heart a little easier to feel.

Caitlin shook off the glittering, distracting rush of warmth. Embarrassing. Childish.

It wasn't really coming from Barry, directed at Barry. Not the Barry that belonged to Iris. She knew it was misplaced, a shadow of feeling, trying to find its way to the same face in a different casing. The one that lived on Earth-66. But for now, the sight of the Flash in this Central City was enough to set it off. It was like lighting a firework; once the sparks started racing down the wick, you didn't have much time to terminate the results. All you could do was hurry to get out of the way.

And that was why Caitlin looked in the other direction a moment later. It was also why she wouldn't hug him if she could help it, or linger on him anymore. Even meeting his eyes was a dangerous practice these days. She was so afraid her cravings might show on her face. And no one knew how to translate her expressions, her tones, like Barry Allen.

It was clear that the message from Wally wasn't going to reveal anything else.

Harry was still looking grumpy in the way he held his jaw and how his sleepy eyes sneered at Cisco as he moved. He shut down the monitors and the speakers as the static swelled.

"That's it," Cisco said, glancing at Caitlin. "That's the third time we've heard it. We tried contacting him earlier, tracing the signal back, y'know, return to sender. But we can't get through. He just talks about Ray and scanning and danger—" He waved his hands, obviously exasperated with the lack of information at their disposal.

"And the Speed Force," Barry finished, straightening. "He said he felt something off about the Speed Force."

Caitlin's teeth caught at her lower lip again, gaze on the blank screens. "Do you feel something off about the Speed Force?" she asked him.

Barry shrugged, and she saw him trying to catch her eye in her peripherals. Her hair fell into the perfect place, shielding her. "Not really. I mean, how would I know what that's like? I'll go for a run, do some tests. Try to pay extra attention to it, I guess."

"Speaking of running tests," Cisco announced, pointing in the team's general direction. "I've been dying to make something to analyze your Speed Force connection. Whatever makes it tick. At first it was purely for scientific reasons, discovery—"

"And you were bored," Harry muttered.

"Did I ask for your input, abuelo, no, I didn't? Okay. Cisco is talking." Cisco didn't look at Harry, palms pressed together in a mocking attempt at patience. "Thank you."

"Okay, so—" Barry gestured for Cisco to continue. "A Speed Force Analyzer?"

"That is a truly pitiful name, but I'll allow it for now. If I can get one up and running, I'll bet we can use it to figure out what Wally was trying to tell us. If there's a blip in the Speed Force—"

"Something dangerous," Barry offered.

"—something dangerous, right, whatever—we'll know about it."

"Do you need any help?" Caitlin asked. She was sitting on the white winding desk now, ankles crossed. Getting out of the Cortex, getting her hands dirty—it might've been just the project she needed to get her mind off of…more weighty things.

"No worries. I got Einstein over here," said Cisco, jerking his head toward Harry. "Come on, Harry, your boy's already got blueprints all made up downstairs. What are you doing?" He paused on his way to the hall, raising an eyebrow at Wells.

"Calling my daughter." Harry was holding his multidimensional cell phone; he'd tricked it out himself. It only sent and received calls between Earth-1 and Earth-2. "Jessie Quick is connected to the Speed Force, in case you've forgotten, and if there's anything threatening inside it, she's at risk." He lifted the phone to his ear, listening to it ring.

"Yeah, well, in case you've forgotten, reception's just as good here as it is in the engineering lab. We out." Cisco planted both hands on Harry's shoulders and propelled him out of the Cortex.

"Actually, Cait—" Barry paused, waiting a heartbeat until Caitlin looked at him. "—I mean, Harry's got a point, all speedsters are connected to the Speed Force. Contacting Jessie might give us more info on this whole thing. Maybe she's got answers we don't."

"…What does that have to do with me?" Caitlin's mouth twitched into a baffled smile. She ran out of emotional endurance and her eyes finally bounced to the white winding desk, the pile of papers and schematics cluttering its middle.

Barry leaned slightly, still trying to look her in the face. When it didn't work, he gave up, replying as if it were obvious, "You should see if you can get a message to Savitar."

Caitlin's hands tightened on the desk.

"Who knows, I mean, if it's affecting Wally in the time stream, it could affect other Earths. Like Jessie's. Like Earth-66, right?"

Caitlin was nodding before he'd finished speaking, wishing he'd stop altogether. Barry's back was against the desk, his shoulder near hers, and it was making her insides want to be on her outside. He isn't Savitar. Caitlin had to keep repeating it, willing her hormones to face the facts her mind so firmly knew. She could swear ice was forming on the table where her palms gripped it, though the necklace was still working hard as ever.

"They're busy," she mumbled, as though her mouth were full of cotton. Her voice was light, wispy, as though Barry's suggestion were a bit silly. "I haven't gotten in touch with them in a few weeks. And…" she hesitated. "The Speed Force is sort of a touchy subject with…with Savitar."

"I know. But we gotta explore all our options," Barry said, undeterred. "We need to figure this out. If we can…avoid another threat to Central City, to the team, we have to try. I'll stay here, see if we can get in touch with Wally."

Caitlin looked over at him again, one more time. To let him know she understood how important this was.

Barry seemed to relish the eye contact, taking full advantage of it. His posture slackened; she watched his breathing slow. He seemed to have had a small weight taken from him, just by meeting her gaze. He had noticed, he was still worried about her. Caitlin wanted to melt into the floor, feeling more foolish than ever.

But maybe Barry had mistaken her odd behavior. He spoke to her the way he did whenever she was having her usual basket-case moments, worrying about the details of a problem. "Don't worry. Whatever this is, it can't be as bad as last time."

She knew he meant Infantino Street. She knew he was talking about Savitar's revenge, the last big scheme they'd dealt with. It was almost laughable, remembering it, knowing what she knew about that supposed 'villain' now.

"And we'll face it like we always do. Okay? Together."

Caitlin forced a smile. "You're right. Together."

Caitlin sat in the med bay, on the empty, clean gurney. She always had it ready for an injury in the field. Today, the sheets were cold—the same way her apartment had been cold. A new, dangerous something was being talked of in Central City. That and the short conversation with Barry had made her miss her friends on Earth-66 in a louder way. A way that reminded her of the Rag Doll, of the screeching noise in the comms system, of building a team and trust from scratch.

She was holding the MP3 device in her hands, wireless headphone in one ear. She hadn't yet switched it on, hadn't swiped her thumb across the play button, hadn't scrolled to search for Earth-66's listing.

It had been a few weeks. Three, to be precise. She hadn't refrained from calling Savitar because he was busy; she didn't actually know if he was busy. If any of them were busy. She'd avoided it for the same reason she avoided telling Cisco about the endless tsunami of emotions trying to engulf her.

She had to pump the brakes. She had to conquer her thoughts, get back to the way things should have been. She just wasn't sure what was stopping her.

Would Savitar be angry if she called? Would the rest of the team resent her silence?

Caitlin sighed, long and slow. Be professional. Team Flash needed her now. They needed the answers Earth-66 might give them. Central City needed it! It was her job to help protect Earth-1, and in calling Savitar, that was all she needed to do. Her job.

Hadn't she always excelled at putting her feelings aside for the greater good? Besides medical expertise, sometimes it seemed that was all she was needed for around here.

No time for self-pity. No time for all this teenage hesitation. Barry gave her a task to complete. Just get it done.

Caitlin scrolled to Earth-66 pressed the play button.

In seconds, the sound of sirens and wind burst from the speaker.

"Hello?" Caitlin held it up to her lips, eyebrows coming down.

Another tinny crowd of noise. Then, "What is it?"

Savitar's voice. Deeper and curter than Barry's had been moments ago, but it was the same one.

Caitlin fumbled and dropped the MP3 player. This was why she hadn't called in three weeks. The symphony of longing poured into her, hard and undeniable. It was as if someone had positioned a raincloud heavy with it, right over her head, cartoonishly dark, and now it had opened up to drown her.

Images flew into her mind, uncalled for and unwanted: Savitar looking down at her on Earth-66's Infantino Street, mismatched eyes unbelievably soft. Those same eyes locked with hers in the med bay, the pieces of a breach inhibitor broken on the floor between their feet. His irritating, hypnotic smirk as he watched her complain at him over a box of Big Belly Burger fries he wouldn't let her share. His back and the way it loosened up when she hugged him in the corridors.

She hadn't been so undone in the heart since Ronnie Raymond stuck out his hand and introduced himself. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't turn it off.

Savitar was still talking, talking loud and impatient above the sound of those sirens. "Cait. Are you hurt?"

Caitlin scrambled to pick up the MP3 player. "I'm fine—I'm—sorry, I'm here. I…" She screwed up her eyes against the wailing coming from the background on his Earth. "Are those police sirens?"

"New meta. He's trying to drown the city." Savitar sounded a little winded. He must have been running, even in between Caitlin's words, undoubtedly saving lives.

"Is Eddie with you?" Caitlin checked, suddenly concerned for the detective. It could've been his sirens, after all.

"What is it?"

"What?"

"You haven't called me in weeks. You need something."

"I—I haven't, you're right. It wasn't…ideal, I was—" Why was it so hard to talk to any Barry Allen these days? Honestly. She was supposed to have an above-average IQ, for heaven's sake. "I didn't mean to be—"

"Cait—" The unmistakable sound of rushing water fought Savitar's voice for dominance, and the speedster cut out for a few seconds. Finally, he continued, "I'm kind of in the middle of something. If you need me, talk fast."

So he was busy. Good to know she hadn't fully been lying to her friends.

Reminding herself to be professional, Caitlin gave him the CliffNotes version of what was going on on Earth-1. Wally's message, Barry's concern for speedsters and the Speed Force.

"You haven't…felt anything different, have you?" asked Caitlin. "When you use your speed?"

"No."

"Nothing even a little 'dangerous'?"

"Stop shouting, I can hear you. Listen." Savitar panted, tone harder than usual—even for him. She could hear the sound of an infant crying, its mother trying to calm it, babbling out thanks to the black-clad hero. She knew he'd speed away without responding—he didn't really have Barry's winsome way with people. Sure enough, the FWOOSH in the speaker was crackled and immediate. "The Speed Force and I aren't on the same wavelength anymore. If something's happened to it, it doesn't affect me. All right?"

"What do you mean?" The scientist in Caitlin was itching for more information, ignoring the girl in her, the part of her that wanted to jump through the device into that Earth and help Savitar. The part that wanted to yank him out of harm, feel him taking her hand again, blurt out everything she'd had to deal with inside her head for the past 7 months. It was all on the backburner.

"When the Flash trapped me in the Speed Force and I escaped," Savitar explained, talking so quickly she had to press the device against her ear to process it all, "my connection to it was altered. It's not Barry's Speed Force on my end." He spat his originator's name out as if it tasted moldy.

"So—you mean it's not doing—"

An awful crashing, like an enormous windstorm, interrupted her from the player's speaker. Caitlin listened as someone in the background screamed, and someone else bellowed something that sounded like it was R-Rated.

"Savitar?" Caitlin spoke loudly, trying to make sure he was safe.

"Cait, stop shouting. I can't get—"

And the call disconnected. Just like that. If she had to hear static again today, she was going to kick something. Caitlin let the hand holding the MP3 player fall limp against the gurney. She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling a headache coming on. She couldn't go on like this much longer.

Worries tried to crowd her skull, fighting for room. What if Savitar just drowned? What if Eddie was with him? Are Wally and Stein on the comms? Is Central City even still standing on their Earth? What kind of meta can submerge an entire section of downtown? Should I try again?

No. She couldn't do that. Not again. Savitar had said nothing was amiss in the Speed Force, and that was all she was supposed to get. She'd done what Barry had asked. Mission accomplished. Never mind the fact that the possibility of Savitar's connection to the vague Force that bound all speedsters together had been altered, and that was fascinating. It wasn't what she ought to be focusing on.

He wasn't what she ought to be focusing on. No matter how the rasp in his tone caught at her lungs. No matter how much she wanted to replay the name Cait in his voice over and over in her mind.

Professional. Business as usual.

She was the queen of that, too.

Setting her face, Caitlin stuffed the device back into her right pocket and headed for the Cortex. The team would need her update.

(Author's Note: Another friendly reminder that reviews and comments will always encourage me. Like I said, this is still a soft open of this fic. I'm so beyond glad you guys are reading this 3 years later, and I love seeing what you have to say. I read it all and it makes me so happy. Please keep doing that sort of thing and being you, Jell-O Squares! Next chapter coming soon. ~Doverstar)