They did sleep this time, after, exhausted, entwined, and warm like embers following a bonfire. Kaylee's eyes opened lazily, not long before ship's dawn, to find Simon lying on his back beside her. She could see only the side of his face, and at first she thought he was still sleeping. Then his eye blinked, and she realized he was staring at the ceiling. There was a tightness in his jaw and around his eye; something had him frustrated.
Her first reaction was frustration herself. They had just shared an amazing night together – maybe the most amazing night of their entire relationship. What in the Verse could possibly bother him after that?
Then she remembered where their last discussion, before the amazing sex, had been going. He had avoided saying something. Again.
Weeks before, she had asked him – teased him, if she was honest – about past girlfriends, and he had waved away the question, claiming there was nothing much to tell. He had then kissed her and tickled her and... they never got back to the girlfriends. Not long after, she had idly wondered aloud if he had ever been with a Companion; that time, he had laughed like she was being silly, but she swore his cheeks had pinked up as he kissed her. Other times, he had dodged what she considered far more innocuous questions: about his parents, about his schooling before MedAcad, even whether he could sing. She might have been offended except that she was fairly sure he was evading answering her out of some form of embarrassment.
This time, she decided to call him on it.
"Good mornin', honey," she said softly.
He jerked his face towards her. For a moment, the tight expression kept hold of his features, but then it dissolved into a smile of genuine joy. "Good morning, băo bèi," he whispered back hoarsely.
She slithered up on top of him, draping the length of her body along his. She cupped his head in her palms and gave him a long kiss. She felt his hands tickle up her thighs and slide across her behind, and she was tempted to let him distract her into another go. But she had let that happen enough.
She pulled back and smiled down at him. "Sleep well?" she asked coyly.
His grin filled his eyes. "Mmmhmm."
She sat up, consciously straddling his hips, sitting into his hands, and giving him a full view of her bare torso. She looked down on him and whispered, "Tell me again." That had become their catch-phrase during their first round of lovemaking that night, and Simon knew his cue.
"I love you, Kaylee."
"Love you, too," she replied in her turn.
Leveraging his hands under her buttocks, he sat up and pulled her into his lap. "Say it again," he said, a look in his eyes of triumph and excitement.
"I love you, Simon," she complied willingly. She noticed his strong fingers stroking gentle circles on her lower back and downward. He may not have known it, but he was trying to take over the game again. Time to be more direct.
"You know, honey," she said, "somethin' occurred to me about last night."
He stole a quick kiss as his hands played along her thighs. "What was that?"
"Well," she smiled mischievously as she stilled his questing hands with her own, "that last go-round felt to me an awful lot like a man askin' forgiveness for somethin'." His look of blissful joy dropped into confusion, like a child caught with his hand in a cookie jar, and she almost laughed. "Tell you what, Simon: I'll forgive you if you tell me just what it is I'm forgivin'."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Yeah, you do. Somethin' you was startin' to say last night, somethin' about when you realized how you felt about me – and then you just clammed up." She tickled his palms. "Now, I don't mind the sexin' as a distraction, but I think we oughtta talk about whatever it was you were tryin' to distract me from. Dŏng ma?"
"Last night? I wasn't..." His eyes widened a bit. "That was nothing."
"Oh, I'm thinkin' it must be somethin', considering that stare-down with the ceiling you were havin' just now."
"That's not..." he started and faltered, seeming puzzled. After a long moment, his eyes slid away from hers. "It was nothing that matters now, Kaylee." His voice was low and guarded.
Maybe the teasing had gone a bit too far. She pulled his hands up to her heart and told him sincerely, "It's okay, Simon. You can tell me anything. Nothin' you say is gonna change that I love you."
His eyes flicked to hers before closing. He inhaled and sighed, and finally opened his eyes. Bringing a hand to her chin, he stroked his thumb along her cheek and said softly, "It was just... I never meant to hurt you."
"How do you mean?"
He did not say anything, just stroked her cheek.
"Tell me, Simon," she said, her voice quiet and coaxing.
His eyes seemed to defocus. "That night... just before Early came... I almost kissed you."
"Yeah, I remember. Parta me I wanted to run after the Shepherd and shake – " Her voice caught, speaking of their lost friend. She swallowed the sob that rose in her throat. Couldn't go there. Not now. She whispered, "I remember."
Simon smiled ruefully as his fingers withdrew from her face. "I never tried again – to kiss you, I mean. Not until after... all of it."
"Yeah, I noticed."
"It was not for lack of wanting to."
"Yeah?" She perked up. "Why not?"
He looked away and was silent again, for several heartbeats. Kaylee realized that her straddling his lap that way now felt wrong for the tone the moment had taken, so she slid off and sat next to him, never releasing her grip on his hand.
Finally, Simon looked back towards her, but still did not look at her. "After... Early," he began, "I fully understood how much you meant to me. And it scared the hell out of me." He brought her hand to his chest and spoke quickly. "You have to understand: at that time, River was my only priority. I worried that if another occasion came when the choice between you and River was not so clear, I could be paralyzed. I could not allow my attentions to be divided." He stopped for a breath. "So I told myself I needed to put my feelings for you aside."
His eyes darted briefly towards her. Kaylee kept her expression encouraging, even as she squelched a momentary flare of hurt. She had long ago promised herself never to be jealous of Simon's sister.
"And so I did," he continued. "I pulled away from you. Pushed away everything I felt for you, everything I wanted with you, and put it behind a wall. I didn't think –" He looked down. "Even so, there were many times I wanted... so much... just to hold you, to kiss you."
"When?" Kaylee asked before she could stop herself.
"Little times, when you were looking sad or worried about something. And big times, like when Inara left and you were so bereft... And after Shepherd Book told us he was leaving, too, and you railed at the Captain right there in the galley." He took a another breath. "But no time more so than on Beaumonde, when River and I left Serenity."
He pulled her hand to his lips and kissed it. "On Beaumonde," he said, "I realized something else: I had not put up that wall just for River. I had done it for myself. When the Captain recognized River's abilities, I knew that at some point I would have to take her off the ship to keep her safe. And I knew it would be so much harder to do so if I ever told you how I felt. When we said good-bye at the dock on Beaumonde, I actually felt... Well, I felt relief."
Kaylee's eyes widened at the last word, and she was glad he was not looking at her. She swallowed hard and thought maybe to say something, but could not find any words.
Simon, however, seemed to have opened a floodgate. "River told me something in the Alliance medbay that I didn't understand at the time. She implied that I hit Mal after the disaster on Lilac to bring things to a head, so I would have to go before things went too far. 'Tried to rip off the weave and get out' is how she put it. And maybe she was right. I'd certainly convinced myself that we could simply leave and you wouldn't be hurt because I'd never said anything. I could move on" – he made a face halfway between a grimace and laugh – "and that would be it. No harm done. But all that time..." He shook his head with a chagrined expression.
He took both of her hands in his and finally looked straight into her eyes. "I am sorry, Kaylee, about... all of it. I just... never wanted to hurt you."
Kaylee regarded Simon's earnest face and considered his words. Of course, she had felt him become increasingly distant – almost ceasing to touch her at all – in those weeks before the Maidenhead and Miranda, and she had guessed, or hoped, as much about his reasons, at least regarding his sister. She had also noticed, however, that he had rarely ever walked away. Kaylee had wrapped her continuing feelings for him around the unshakable belief – and Inara's assurances – that deep down, somewhere under the six feet of responsibility, worry, and guilt, Simon still cared for her, too. She had watched him retreat back into his old, proper self and, not wanting to scare him even further, had let him do it. She had told herself to bide her time until he came back to his senses. Only on Beaumonde, as they made their weak good-byes to each other, did she think she might have misjudged his feelings after all.
His admission of regret before the Reaver battle had proved she had been right all along, but she had been nervous to probe about that awkward period before, even in their intense time together since. Now she understood why. She did not want to know that he could have left, feeling as he did, and that he could have felt relief in the leaving. Much as it clearly pained him to admit it, it pleased her to learn how torn he had been during that time.
Maybe she should have said something back then, after all, even if it might have scared him. Maybe something might have happened between them sooner. Maybe he would not have felt the need to leave at Beaumonde. Maybe the Maidenhead wouldn't have happened. Maybe, then, the Shepherd and Wash wouldn't have… She stopped herself. No string of maybe-s was worth following. What happened, did. All there was now was what they had in the now.
And in this now, Simon's face was becoming increasingly worried.
She had told him she would love him no matter what he said, and she had meant that. Now, at least, she understood him from back then – and he was genuinely sorry. The last bit of hurt drained from her mind.
Kaylee returned his grip on her hands and latched her eyes on his. "It's okay, Simon. Truly. You got nothing to apologize for. In the end, you only did what you thought was needful for River, and I can't never hold that against you."
The look of relief that came over Simon's face almost made her laugh.
"Oh, honey," Kaylee said, "my ma did say you were a man too serious for his own good."
In a trio of heartbeats, Simon's face morphed through embarrassment and chagrin and finally landed on mock offense. "Oh, she said that, did she?" he said. "I wonder how she could have got that idea, seeing as I've yet to meet her."
Kaylee grinned to hear the teasing tone in his words. "Well, she mighta got some ideas from my letters," she said, "during all that time you was 'pulling away' from me." She poked his shoulder on each word and affected his fine Core accent.
"Kaylee, I –"
"I haveta say, though," she interrupted him with a finger to his lips, "you weren't so good at the pullin' away as you seem to think you were. I remember plenty a times you hung around and just listened when I needed an ear." She smiled and slid a hand playfully down his chest. "Your brain may've put up that wall, but none the rest of you seemed to know it."
Simon laughed outright, the twinkle back in his beautiful blue eyes. "I love you," he breathed as he pulled her into a long kiss that seemed equal parts passion, comfort, and gratitude.
After a time, Kaylee drew back and fixed him with an arched brow. "Promise me one thing, Simon."
"Anything," he agreed, looking a bit dazed from their kiss.
"No, wait. Promise me two things."
He chuckled. "Okay, two things."
"Promise me that you won't bottle up any feelings like that again. If you have a problem with me, you let me know." She smiled sweetly at him. "See, I need a chance to use my feminine wiles and talk you outta any other fool notion you get in that over-active brain a yours." She tapped his temple to emphasize her point.
Simon smiled to his ears, and bowed his head solemnly. "I do so promise. And the second?"
"Promise me that if you ever do have to make a hard choice between me or River, you choose her."
Simon blinked, and his head balked backwards like a dog surprised by a ferret. "No, I can't – "
"Promise me, Simon." Kaylee insisted.
"Kaylee..."
She shook her head. "No, Simon, I mean it. You're the only kin she's got'll protect her. I don't ever wanna come between you two again."
"You won't. You don't."
"Then promise me."
Simon shook his head in turn. "I will only promise to do everything I possibly can to protect you both."
"And when you can't?"
"Kaylee, let it go." His words were terse, and Kaylee sat back in surprise."I'm sorry," Simon immediately recanted, "That came out wrong... I only meant..." He shook his head again and gave her a wan smile. "Nothing. It's fine." Suddenly, he lurched out of the bed and started pulling on clothes.
"Simon..." Kaylee called, trying very hard to keep the irritation from her voice. "What's the problem now?" She managed to catch his hand after he pulled up his pants, and pulled him around to look at her. She kneeled at the edge of the bed and looked up at him. "Tell me," she said.
He still did not respond, and she burst out, "Simon! What was the first thing you just promised me?"
He looked sharply at her – and had the grace to look abashed. He nodded and sat beside her. "Kaylee, it's... I need..." His eyes searched the room a moment before he continued. "Kaylee, I need to be able to protect you – both of you. You can't... You are..." His voice trailed off again, and she watched frustration draw his face into a scowl.
In a flash, she understood what he could not bring himself to say, or maybe could not quite understand himself. Asking him not to protect her was asking him not to love her – and there was no chance she would do that. "Simon, honey, you always make me and River feel safe," she assured him. "You walloped that blue hún dàn but good at Sturges. At the barrier with the Reavers, you kept me focused – and River, too. And back when Early was here, you was protectin' me by helpin' him – and I didn't even know it." She caught his chin and forced him to look in her eyes so he would hear her. "You do protect us both, Simon, just 'cause a who you are. That's one of the reasons I'm with you, y'know."
He held her gaze three whole breaths, and although she was not sure he fully agreed, she was relieved to see the frustration ease from his face. Nodding, he breathed, "Okay." He brushed his lips on her cheek and whispered, "I love you, Kaylee."
"Love you, too, Simon." She kissed him back on the lips, full of as much love as she could convey.
He stood up. "All right then. Time to get going." He smiled warmly and offered her his hand. "Care to join me in the shower?"
Kaylee leapt from the bed with a delighted giggle, and the next several minutes became a pleasant blur of kisses and caresses, interspersed with fumbling for toiletries, towels, and clothes.
She even coaxed him to sing for her in the shower. He made her giggle and gasp with a bawdy Mandarin drinking song, and it turned out he had a pretty decent voice.