Along the path we lost our way, its all a game that I must play. And now the weak that fall, return to ash, defeated after all. ~ BREAKING BENJAMIN
Chapter 2. I've continued this story from where Revolution of the Daleks left of so it is loosely canon until that point, likely to diverge from now on though - mostly because of the certain character I wanted to write in. This chapter is pretty heavy on the angst, but I'm running with the idea of the Doctor questioning her entire identity and what may result from that.
Hope you enjoy :)
Yaz slipped off her trademark leather jacket and hung it over the railing, letting out a wistful sigh. They'd been back in the Tardis for a few hours after another thrilling adventure. Yet, there lingered an unsettling feeling that she couldn't quite place. She and the Doctor had been on a few trips now since Ryan and Graham had left, each one equally amazing and there was still so much of the universe left to discover. Inevitably, they'd stumbled across their fair share of danger too and still always found a way to help or escape, usually just in the nick of time. It had been different this time though Yaz thought, the Doctor hadn't been her usual self. She'd seemed slower, tired and Yaz was sure she was hiding something. Come to think of it, she hadn't been the same since she'd returned to Sheffield after 10 long months. She'd offered little information on where she'd been and what had happened after they'd escaped the Master's clutches, briefly alluding to Space Prison, but then quickly changing the topic when Yaz had tried to ask any more questions. A typical avoidance strategy, one Yaz knew all too well.
It was clear that things had happened that the Doctor didn't want to talk about. It had to be bad for her not to say anything, usually she'd take any excuse to tell a story. The Doctor was many, many things, and an amazing storyteller was certainly one of them, always ready to tell stories of her adventures and all the things she'd seen. With words she wove the most spectacular tales, of other wonderful worlds, strange and spectacular creatures. For Yaz, it was almost as if she had been there with her. Now the Doctor looked older, tired and she seemed worn out. Her usual spark was missing, the electric energy that had captivated her since the night they met had faded into a subdued silence. Worry and concern took hold, and though Yaz hated to think about it, the Doctor looked broken.
Suddenly the Tardis shuddered with a violent jolt that almost knocked Yaz off her feet. She managed to reach out and grab the railing just in time. Her travels with the Doctor had prepared her for the unexpected, so she remained unphased by the sudden mid-flight turbulence. She quickly regained her composure to hear the Doctor mutter something in frustration under her breath. She glanced over at the Doctor, a feeling of uneasiness growing. She couldn't quite figure out what, but something wasn't quite right with her friend.
The uneasy feeling weighed heavy on her mind, adding to the unresolved anguish of the past year.
To say the last 10 months had been hard was a gross understatement. Haunted by the destruction the Master had caused, left only with the harrowing uncertainty of not knowing if the Doctor was alive or dead. Yaz had never felt so alone. Lost and forlorn with only her desperate search for comfort, looking for any kind of indication of what had happened, where the Doctor was. She'd refused to accept that she was gone, despite what Graham and Ryan had said. She was certain the Doctor couldn't just have left, not like that. The entire time she'd felt as if part of her was missing, she was somehow incomplete. No matter how hard she tried, she still wasn't able to escape the notion that the Doctor could have been dead.
Thankfully, some of her fears had been quashed when the Tardis finally materialised in Graham's house. Now she wasn't sure she'd really got the Doctor back. Not the same Doctor anyhow, that she was sure of. Her friend hadn't been the same since she'd returned to Sheffield. In those forsaken months, the Doctor had lost herself somehow, come adrift from her true self and couldn't find the way back.
Yaz glanced over to where the Doctor was standing, bent over the Tardis console, short blond hair obscuring her face. She didn't need to see her face to know that dark circles hung heavy under her eyes and her skin had taken on a grey tinge. Her usual boundless energy seemed forced, her smile empty and strained.
Tired eyes and empty smiles she thought, it was haunting to see her friend in this state. It was as if, in the time she'd been gone, something had scooped out everything that made the Doctor the Doctor, leaving just a shell behind. Empty and hollow, a shadow of her former self. And what was worse was that every time she asked, the Doctor had insisted she was fine. All dandy over here, nothing to worry about, everything's perfectly fine. Her overzealous explanation that she was fine only made Yaz more concerned. You really can't hide behind that mask of being okay for much longer, Yaz thought. She wanted to scream at her friend, to cry and shout. Just tell me what's wrong please, I'm meant to be your friend, just let me at least try and help!
Yaz noticed the Doctor shudder and mumble something under her breath. She hadn't said a word since they'd got back to the Tardis. She was standing with her shoulders clenched and head bowed, her muscles tight and tense. Something was clearly very wrong, she'd never seen the Doctor like this before. Even on Galifrey, again having to bear witness to the destruction of her home, she'd still been the Doctor. Yes, she was hurting, that much was clear to the gang the moment the Master appeared through the boundry. But the hurt had fuelled her passion and determination to help to save the remaining humans and stop the Master. In that moment, it had made her stronger than Yaz had ever seen her, willing to sacrifice everything to save her friends. Emotions became power and strength, the very feelings the Cybermen wanted to remove, the Doctor had used to defeat them. That strength was all but gone now. All that remained was empty space, filled only with hurt and pain.
There was still so much about the Doctor that she didn't know, so many secrets and questions left unanswered. Despite all her time travelling with the Doctor, Yaz was beginning feeling like she didn't know her at all.
"Doc," she began moving closer towards the Doctor, "Doctor, are you alright, you don't look so good".
Between the rushes of dizziness, the Doctor caught a glimpse of Yaz, taking a few steps towards her, eyes radiating concern. But the Doctor was struggling to think about what she might be concerned about. Everything felt hazy as if someone had given her brain a good shake and her thoughts were flying all over the place. She couldn't focus, flashes of light swam in front of her eyes as a wave of pain crashed into her. Her breath suddenly came in short, ragged gasps, a burning tightness was crushing her chest. Her world spun faster, her hearts pounded harder, it was taking all her strength to remain upright. Through the haze she heard a voice, she tried to make her lips move, form a reply, but the effort left her gasping of breath. Fear began to take hold, between the rushes of pain and the pounding in her head came terror. It gripped her tightly with icy claws and refused to let go.
Yaz looked back over at her friend. The Doctor was swaying slightly and had paled further, grasping the Tardis console so tight her knuckles were turning white. It seemed to be the only thing keeping her upright. Yaz watched as she screwed her eyes shut in effort as her mouth tried to form words but all that escaped were a few ragged breaths. Yaz could sense the pain she was in, burning through the Doctor's body, it radiated around the Tardis as the knot that had been building in her chest tightened.
The Doctor met Yaz's gaze, her eyes were wide and glassy, and Yaz saw in them a terror she's never seen before. Her blood ran cold as she realised the gravity of the situation. She'd never seen the Doctor like this; paralysed by fear, trapped and terror-stricken. It was all of a sudden too much, "Don't you dare try and tell me you're okay, it's pretty obvious something is wrong!" Yaz almost shouted as she rushed over to the Doctor. All that concern and frustration that had been bubbling away became fear. A sense of dread that weighed heavy in her heart. "Sorry, I didn't mean to shout, but I'm worried about you," she stammered. "Please, let me help."
In the seconds that followed, silence hung heavy. Yaz waited, but the Doctor didn't reply, only her ragged breathing broke the silence that had descended upon the Tardis. The Doctor desperately tried to fight against the pain, the fury burning inside of her. Yet the pain continued to gain the upper hand, threatening to destroy her completely. Dark spots danced across her vision as her remaining energy faded. Weak and disoriented, she lost her grip on the console. Hands clammy and shaking she tried to reach out to grab hold of anything to stay standing, but her arms wouldn't obey. All strength drained, she swayed a few more times before her legs gave way and she crumbled to the floor with a whimper.
"Doctor!" Yaz exclaimed, quickly bending down to kneel beside her friend. "Doctor, what's wrong? Can you hear me?" Her heart hammered against her chest as she tried desperately to quash the panik that was beginning to engulf her. She had to stay calm, stay calm so she could help the doctor. "Doctor, what's wrong? Can you hear me?", she repeated. "Say something please, say something!" she flustered taking hold of the Doctor's hand. Her skin was clammy, her complexion tinged with grey and fading to a deathly pale.