What the f*ck?
Levi could feel his arm starting to itch. When he thought of a science lab, the first thing that came to his mind was a spotless white room that adhered to the highest standards of cleanliness. What he was seeing now was far from what he had imagined. This was not the crime lab. This was a witch's den. Microscopes, beakers, forceps and other experimentation tools mingled with dirty coffee cups and plates decorated with dried up food bits and hard grease. It looked like they had been sitting on that long table for several days. Some liquid had spilled on the floor and next to it were shards of glass from a broken flask. The whiteboard installed on the right side of the wall was filled with formulas and phrases written in the ugliest penmanship he had ever seen. Cobwebs outlined the top of the whiteboard but their eight-legged spinner lay dead on the protruding metal tray where the eraser and marker were kept.
A woman with her brown hair tied up in a ponytail was busy writing her notes on a separate desk. He could only see her back but he could hear her mumbling words while she scribbled down as if she was casting some spells unbeknownst to the people on the floors above them.
"Oi." He called out to her. She didn't seem to have heard him.
"Oi." He called out again but he got the same response. Nothing. He was getting irritated at her so he approached her with the intent of grabbing her hair in order for her to notice him. But when he was almost near, she let out an excited scream and threw several crumpled papers into the air like they were confetti. One of the paper balls landed on Levi's head.
"Oh, I'm sorry..." She finally noticed him. "I heard Mike outside talking about some new guy but I was overjoyed by my findings in the Ilse case, it slipped my mind."
Levi glared at the woman before him. Despite her thick glasses, she looked younger than what he pictured scientists to be. The ones in his previous precinct would just hand him a document and explain the results of their findings in one or two sentences. This woman though liked to talk A LOT. She went on with her rambling speech about a case he did not even know much less care about.
"Hey, you do realize that you have a piece of paper on your head... but I guess you did not feel it. Let me get that for you." She reached out to take it but he grabbed her hand in midair before she could even touch his hair.
"I'm Hange Zoe by the way. Nice to meet you...?"
"Levi. Levi Ackerman."
"Ackerman... I think I heard of that name before. Hmmmm... Ah I remember! You are Erwin's new partner. Well, he's on field work most of the time but he usually drops by before my shift ends. If you stay longer I think - "
"I'm here for the orientation." He interrupted her.
"Really?! That's great! I would love to share something about my work here in the precinct with a new colleague. Management hasn't found me a lab partner yet so most of the time I just talk to myself. I'm really happy that you came here, Levi. Please make yourself comfortable. I will just clear the whiteboard so I can write the topics down."
Levi pulled the chair she was sitting on earlier and settled himself there. He felt like he was back at the academy with one of his crazy professors. It felt ridiculous. He watched her walk towards the whiteboard on the other side of the room. She was about to take the eraser from the metal tray when she suddenly let out a howl of anguish.
"Sawney!" She gently picked up the dead spider and placed it on her palm. "Oh my poor, poor Sawney!"
"That thing is your pet?"
"He's not just a pet. He was my lab companion!"
"Well not anymore." Levi muttered to himself.
A visibly upset Hange took an empty petri dish and carefully placed the carcass there. "It was a good life, Sawney. Thank you for the memories..." She wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her white lab coat.
Levi furrowed his brows. His niece had the same reaction when her pet bird was eaten by their neighbor's cat. They only found the head near the fence that separated their yards. But that was when she was seven. The sniveling scientist before him was a full-grown ass woman.
"So..." Hange tried to compose herself before standing in front of the whiteboard again. She took a deep breath then gave her single audience a forced smile. "Welcome to crime lab!"
Four hours later...
"Guess who's back from the fiery pits of the underworld." Mike greeted Levi when he entered their office once more. "Did you really listen to her for four straight hours?"
"What do you think?"
He didn't want to divulge how he only pretended to sit in during the whole orientation. While Hange was busy writing down terms and concepts about the field of Forensic Science on the whiteboard, he got the mop and broom from the supplies closet and swept up the strewn paper and shards of glasses on the floor. He washed the dirty dinnerwares on the sink and rearranged the tools and equipment on the long table. When she still hasn't finished talking, he went back to the chair, lowered his head and took a nap. After what seemed like an eternity, he was suddenly awakened by the heat emanating from the room. At the same time that the airconditioning unit had stopped working, the weird woman had also stopped talking. Apparently, there's no more space in the whiteboard to write on.
Levi immediately left the lab and now he's back to a roomful of people who kept on looking daggers at him. He was both angry and hungry. The orientation had extended way past his lunch time.
"Where's the cafeteria?" He asked the blond man who wasn't able to reply back because his junior partner called out to him.
"Oi, Mike. There's a delivery guy looking for you." Nanaba pointed at a man carrying several boxes of pizza.
"Oh someone is feeling generous today." Mike grinned at Levi then approached the man by the doorway. He was handed over a paper receipt with a note that said:
"Mike, Please tell them that this is from Levi - Erwin"
The blond man quickly crumpled the paper as soon as he had read it. He gave the delivery guy a tip before taking all twelve boxes from him. He held the pile to his nose and inhaled the delicious aroma of tomato and cheese. He was in heaven.
"Everybody in the pantry now! Levi bought us some pizza!"
"I did not."
"Shut up kid and help me carry these boxes."
Levi did as he was told. He had no energy left to argue with anyone because he was really famished. He took several slices for himself and quietly stood on a corner alone. Mike watched the new guy as he munched on his food.
Got a soft spot for the kid, eh, Erwin? I'll create a fourth group with you and me in it. Probably Hange, too. That woman likes everyone even if everyone thinks she's weird. Speaking of the devil.
Mike took a paper plate and placed two slices of pizza on it. Then he dialed the crime lab's extension number on the office phone but nobody was picking up. He tried calling and texting her mobile number but still got no reply.
Typical Hange. Always busy in her own little cave.
"Anyone wants to go down to Forensics?" Mike asked out loud as he held the plate of pizza in his hand. Everybody was or perhaps pretended to be caught in a conversation with someone else. The blond man sighed. He really didn't want to drag himself down and have his nose assaulted by the putrid odor in the lab but he had to take care of his friend, too.
"I'll go." Levi snatched the plate from him. He didn't want to be left alone in a place full of people whispering stories about him even though he was in the same room as them. He also wanted to check if the lab was still spotless after he left earlier. If that woman made a mess again, he swore she would never see the light of day.
"Hey kid. Just so you know... There are three unspoken rules here in 139." Mike raised a finger.
"One, don't steal someone's pen. Two, the only one you can shoot here is your pee. And Three, don't ever attempt to make a move on Hange. Although Erwin would not admit it or Hange may not even know it, Hange is Erwin's girl. Believe me, I tried. Erwin made me work my ass off for 48 hours without sleep on a weekend. The punishment was really unnecessary though. I would have stopped pursuing her because most of the time she smells terrible."
"The f*ck are you talking about? Anyone who falls for that woman is not in his right mind."
"Tell that to Erwin."
Levi grumbled as he walked downstairs to the basement. That sniffing weirdo was wrong to assume that the crazy woman was even his type. He couldn't stand her lack of hygiene and her non-stop talking. He couldn't event stand her workplace. Returning there made his skin feel itchy again. He knocked thrice on the door to let his presence known but like earlier, nobody came. Annoyed, he turned the knob and kicked the door open. "Oi. Four Eyes."
It was blazing hot in there. Apparently, the woman had no time to call maintenance to fix the faulty airconditioning. He put the plate of pizza down on the table and wondered where the eccentric scientist had gone to. Then he spotted her lying on the floor near the whiteboard.
Shit! Is she dead?
He rushed to her side and immediately took her hand to feel her pulse.
Oh great. She's just passed out.
Good thing he recently took a first aid training prior to his transfer. He could still remember the steps.
Check for any injuries.
He carefully lifted her head to feel for bumps but did not find any.
Check if breathing.
He placed his hand on her abdomen and felt it rise and fall.
Loosen tight clothing.
He removed the first two buttons of her blouse to loosen the collar. Then he unfastened the belt on her pants and adjusted it so that it's not wrapped tightly around her.
Raise the person's legs above heart level.
He scanned the lab to look for something to elevate her feet and found a small wooden stool underneath the long table. He knelt down and spread her legs to position the stool in between them so that he could pull her feet up and lay them on top. But before he could even move the stool to its target place, a blond man with bushy eyebrows appeared by the doorway. By the surprised look on his face, he was clearly not expecting to find another person there. Then it slowly sank in how perverted Levi had looked while he was down on the floor with the unconscious Hange - her legs spread apart, her belt unfastened and loose, her blouse unbuttoned near the collar.
He watched as the blond visitor's eyebrows changed from arches of surprise to slants of pure rage.
F*ck.