Mornings on Cathar

Ashla felt the cold all the way in her bones, almost wishing she hadn't refused the last transport, as she wrapped her wet cloak around her. It felt as if they had been walking in the rain for days, when in truth it had only been a couple of hours. Her robes were soaked and clung to her. Her boots were covered in mud. Her teeth clattered from the cold, as she forced one foot in front of the other. She longed for camp, so she could change into a fresh set of dry warm robes. She glanced around her at the other soldiers. Their gaunt faces were pale and weary with exhaustion etched deeply into their features. She shivered from the cold but pushed onward, for the sake of the soldiers who marched alongside her.

The soldier beside her slipped in the mud, clutching his side.

"We have to keep moving!" She yelled over the driving rain as she helped him up, but the soldier shook his head at her. He looked as if he couldn't take another step, the day's battle clearly had taken its toll. She looped the soldier's arm over her shoulders. "I'm not leaving you behind!"

She shifted her weight and reached for the force to help her support him. She could feel her feet slipping in the mud. "Alek! Help me!"

Alek whipped around, his black hair just visible under the wet hood of his robe. He rushed to the soldier's other side and helped support his weight as they marched on.

She stole a glance from under her drawn hood at the soldier in between them. His hair was darkened from the rain. She glanced down at the insignias marking his status as not only a soldier, but also as one of the pilots from the downed transports. She felt his eyes connect with hers. "I've got you, flyboy. You're going to be alright."

The rain poured over them as she reached her free hand over to the angry wound she could see through the tear in his orange flight jacket. She heard the soft whispering of the Force as it sang to her, a sweet melodious song, as she reached out, sending some of her own vitality to him. She gave of herself freely, so that his pain might ease.

"Let's get you to the base," she said as they hobbled along slowly through the mud.

#

After changing into fresh robes, she met Alek at the med center to assist in healing the wounded. This was the part she looked forward to, talking to the soldiers and letting them know they weren't alone, not the rush and heat of battle. She made her rounds, speaking soothingly to the wounded men and women as she focused on dressing and tending to their wounds.

Her eyes closed in sorrow as the man she was tending slipped away, his song becoming one with the harmony of the cosmic force. It pained her to see yet another soldier pass, but she let go of the pain, releasing it into the Force instead. There is no emotion, there is peace. The man is at peace now, he's one with the Force. She swallowed her sorrow as she closed his eyes and pulled the sheet up over his head. She sanitized her hands before moving to the next patient.

"Denon… he didn't make it, did he?" The man asked as she turned to him.

She looked down at the soldier speaking to her. It was the pilot she and Alek had helped get back to camp. He appeared to be about her age, late twenties or early thirties, with dark brown hair. Two stands fell back onto his brow, even after he painstakingly smoothed them back. He had warm brown eyes and a fair complexion. Judging by the fair amount of stubble growth, it looked like he hadn't had time to shave in several days.

She swallowed hard as she took his hand in hers. "I'm sorry. No, he didn't. He's with the Force now."

The man nodded solemnly as he looked away. "Was he in pain? When he passed?"

She nodded in understanding. Death was something they dealt with on a day to day basis out here on the front lines.

"No, he wasn't. He slipped away peacefully." She put her hand on his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "It's difficult seeing those around us pass into the Force. In the end, we are just...luminous beings. Besides, no one is ever really truly gone. We become one with the Force. Rest easy, my friend, his suffering is over. He is at peace now." She gave his hand a sympathetic squeeze before releasing it.

From across the room, she could feel Alek's gaze fall upon her. She felt the weight of his sorrow through the Force as he and another intern removed the body from the med center.

Ashla took a deep breath to calm and center herself. "How are you feeling? I could finish healing your wounds."

"Wait," he peered at her closely in scrutiny. "You're the Jedi. The one who helped me get back to camp - aren't you? I didn't have time to thank you earlier."

"There's no need to thank me. I'm glad I was there to help." She smiled warmly as she sat down beside his bed.

"Well, you have my thanks - all the same." The man smiled weakly. "And, no, I'll live. You can save the Force stuff for someone who needs it more than I do."

"At least, allow me to dress your wounds - it may be some time before one of the doctors can make it to you. What's your name, flyboy?"

"Carth. Carth Onasi." He sat up slightly, trying to get out of the torn and bloodied orange jacket. She helped him pull his arm out of the sleeves, then folded it carefully before placing it on the end of his bed.

He grunted with pain as he attempted to remove his shirt. She leaned over and placed a gentle hand on his chest to lay him back down. He groaned as he settled himself back into the bed.

She picked up the shears out of the med kit and deftly cut the shirt open to see the wound underneath. She studied the blaster burn that covered his left side, making a 'tsk-ing' sound under her breath.

Carth cringed as he looked down at the inflamed wound that she had partially healed while enroute to the base. "Mmm...so, maybe it's worse than I thought."

She grinned. "So, the Force 'stuff,' then?"

He nodded painfully as he met her steady gaze.

"Just breathe and try to relax." Ashla said soothingly as she closed her eyes and let her hands hover above the wound. She felt the Force, soft and warm as it flowed around her. She concentrated the warm feeling towards the wound, visualizing a warm summer day in a lush garden where blue butterflies flitted to and fro. She walked through the garden, the flowers blooming under her fingertips as she lightly brushed them across the tops of each bud.

She gave herself to the Force, feeling the sweet-sounding tune flowing between them. She hummed softly as she rode the current of the Force.

When she opened her eyes, she saw that the flesh, once burned, red and angry looking, was now healed. Carth ran his hand over his side, marveling at the pink flesh.

"So, the Force stuff wasn't that bad, huh?" she asked, with a smirk.

He chuckled softly. "Heh, heh...well, when you've got the prettiest Jedi in the galaxy taking care of you, it, uh...isn't so bad." he said with a wink.

She blushed at the compliment, her stomach suddenly all a flutter. She bent her head, hoping to hide the effect he had on her.

She set to work, focusing on tending the rest of his injuries. The smell of antiseptic and kolto were strong in the air as she dressed his wounds. She helped him into a fresh shirt, then patted his shoulder. "All finished. I'll see you around, flyboy."

She couldn't help but notice how his eyes followed her as she worked her way around the med bay the rest of the morning.

#

She was laughing.

She couldn't remember a time when she had laughed more, or had so much fun just enjoying someone else's company. She stole a peek at the handsome dark haired man who sat propped up against the head of his medbay bed. She sat at his bedside while they played cards.

"You won again?! You've got to be cheating!" Carth Onasi said with a deep chuckle as he threw down his cards. "C'mon, admit it, Ash! You're using the Force to read the cards!"

"I am not!" She dropped her head back and laughed so hard tears sprang at the corner of her eyes. She reached up and dabbed them away. "Carth - I swear! I am not cheating."

He snorted at her, causing her to erupt into giggles again. He straightened his face into one of pure seriousness. His eyes twinkled mischievously as he shuffled the cards, dealt out the next hand, and then waited for her to play her turn. She followed suit and put on her 'game face,' her eyes gleaming with mirth.

She studied the cards in her hand, debating on which card to play. She laid down her card as her eyes made contact with his. She gave him a coquettish grin, then went back to studying her cards for her next play.

She felt the weight of his gaze while she waited for him to play his card. She glanced up and caught him staring at her with an odd expression on his face. "Is something wrong?"

"N-no." He stammered slightly, his cheeks taking on a pink tinge under his beard. "I'm sorry, it's just…it's just that...Well, uh…" he cleared his throat, "I'm married."

Married?

Stunned into silence, she focused on controlling her features, hoping her face did not betray her emotions. She glanced at the slim gold band on his finger, berating herself for not noticing it earlier. Groaning inwardly, she thought Alek would be having a laugh at her expense right about now.

She swallowed down the bitter taste of disappointment, "oh."

"I, uh...probably should have mentioned that earlier," he gave a nervous laugh as he played his card.

"How long have you been married?" she asked softly.

"Ten years."

"You must have been quite young."

He nodded. "Yeah, we were. We got married right after graduation from the Academy on Telos, right before I enlisted with the Republic Navy."

She was quiet for a few moments contemplating which card to play, filing away her embarrassment and disappointment. "Do you have children together?" she asked as she played her card.

"Yes, a son. He just turned nine." He set his cards aside and reached towards the end of the bed.

"Let me help you. What do you need?" she asked as she motioned for him to be still.

He pointed to his jacket. Laying her cards in her lap, she handed him the well worn jacket. He reached inside to pull a small datapad out of the inner pocket. He activated the device and pulled up a holo picture of a small boy playing with a toy starcraft.

"Is this him? Oh, he looks like you!" She smiled as she looked at the holopic.

He smiled, "yes, his name is Dustil. It's from a few years ago." He turned off the device and slid it back into his jacket. "So, do you have any children?"

Then, he began to laugh.

"What?" she asked, having been caught off guard by his question and confused by his sudden bark of laughter.

"You're a Jedi and I just asked if you had children." He grinned at her. "I'm sorry. I...uh, heh heh, forgot for a moment that you were a Jedi."

"Oh." Ashla laughed nervously, her fingers toying with the end of one long auburn curl as she looked at him from beneath her lowered lashes.

Her cheeks turned a light pink as she thought about how inexperienced she was with men. Alek had certainly seen to that. At the temple, none of the boys she had been interested in would risk Alek's ire to get close to her. In fact, most of them had viewed her as 'off limits' because she was 'one of the boys.' Or had been too intimidated due to how strong she was with the Force. Even here, way out in the Outer Rim, Alek had managed to micromanage any potential would-be suitors. They had a way of getting "transferred" if they showed too much interest in her, especially after the other Jedi began referring to her as the Revanchist. It was frustrating beyond belief.

"No, um…" She swallowed the nervous lump in her throat. "No children."

His eyebrows raised slightly, then lowered. "Oh, yeah...that's, umm...not something that's really allowed in the Jedi order, huh?"

She laughed lightly as her fingers traced the silver leaf pattern on her green tunic. "Ha ha, well…" she said, drawing out the word. "It is frowned upon. Relationships as a whole, are greatly discouraged because of attachments," she cleared her throat nervously. "Ahem, but we are not a celibate order. If you are discrete, then it's usually overlooked." Her face felt like it was on fire as she nervously met his gaze. "There have been times in the past when someone has gone on a very long mission, only to return with a child for the temple to train. It's not unheard of, and happens more often than the Order cares to admit…" She shrugged as her voice trailed off.

Realizing he embarrassed her, he smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"No apology is necessary, my friend." She said with a small smile.

He cast another of his boyish grins at her, sending a rush of heat and a fluttering sensation coursing through her.

Her reaction to him surprised her. She had been around plenty of handsome men before, but this was the first time someone had affected her so intensely. She had never met anyone who stirred such deep feelings inside of her.

She reminded herself that it was only natural to be attracted to a handsome man.

But, one who was married, and had a child...no, she should keep her distance.

She smiled at him as she laid her cards with the rest of the stack and rose to leave. "I should go and let you get some rest. Otherwise, I'll never hear the end of it from Doc. I hope you feel better soon, Onasi."

She held her composure as she left the medbay and found her way back to her quarters. Once inside and the door secured, she flopped down on her bed face first in commiseration. You made a fool of yourself...and he's married, she groaned as she covered her head with her pillow.

#

The next morning as she entered the med center to begin her rounds, she saw Carth trying to stand. He swayed unsteadily on his feet.

"What are you doing? You should be in bed, Onasi." She snapped at him as she darted to his side to steady him. She slipped her shoulder under his, looping one arm around his waist while the other supported his arm over her shoulder.

"I'm fine. You healed me. Someone else can have my spot," he grumbled.

"I healed the major wound, but you still took one hell of a beating out there. You need to stay in bed until the doctor clears you for discharge. Back in bed, Onasi."

Carth pushed away from her, stumbling towards the end of the bed to grab his jacket. "Nothing that a medpack and a little sleep won't cure."

Stubborn...fool...of a man.

"Back in bed," she said firmly. "Or will I have to resort to using the Force, flyboy?" She asked, as she held up two fingers and made a waving motion in front of his face.

A snicker floated over to them from one of the patients in a nearby bed. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"You wouldn't actually…" He gave her a questioning look, wondering if she really would use a force mind trick on him. As she raised one slim auburn brow, he thought perhaps she would. He sat down wearily on the bed, muttering, "You're a very frustrating woman, you know that, Jedi?"

"Is that so, flyboy?" she asked dryly, repressing a smile. She helped him to swing his legs back up onto the bed. She shook her head at him, chuckling softly. "Hmph, it seems to me that you, sir, have no room to talk."

He grinned. "Heh heh, yeah, that's what my wife says to me all the time."

"Well then, perhaps you should listen to me and stay in bed, so you can go home to her in one piece." She smiled warmly at him before pulling the brown hood up over her long auburn hair.

She noted the slight slump of his broad shoulders, and how when he had smiled earlier - it didn't quite reach his eyes.

She frowned, peering at him intently. He looked disheartened for a brief moment before he hid it away.

"Something on your mind, Onasi?" she asked as she sat down on the side of his bed.

"Is that another one of your Jedi tricks?" he asked with a lopsided grin, in an obvious attempt to distract her.

"I don't think a mind trick would actually work on you. You're too stubborn, I think." She laughed softly. "No, it's called reading body language. But, if it makes you feel better - you can think of it that way."

He chuckled, then stifled a groan.

Ashla looked at him in concern. When she rose to get a medpack, he shook his head and motioned for her to sit back down. She pushed down her hood, and pulled her long braid around over her shoulder. She could sense his indecision.

"What is it?" she asked softly. "This is part of my job, y'know?"

He raised a questioning brow at her.

"Helping others," she said softly, placing her hand over his.

He released a deep lonely sigh. "No, I couldn't burden you with my troubles."

She could tell whatever was bothering him, he was reluctant to discuss it with her.

Several minutes passed in silence as she sat under the weight of his gaze. Her breath caught as his thumb began to draw lazy circles on the inside of her palm, causing her heart to race. Her tongue darted out quickly to wet her lips.

"I should go and let you rest," she said breathlessly, as she tried to pull her hand from his.

"Could you stay? For just a few minutes longer?" he asked softly, his hand tightening around hers.

He looked so lonely, it tugged at her heart. She thought it would be best if she left, and not allow herself to get closer to him. However, against her better judgement, she found herself nodding in agreement.

"Would you like to play cards? I promise not to cheat this time." She winked at him.

"So, you admit it. I knew it!" He cast her a boyish grin and chuckled softly. "Yeah, I'd like that."

#

Ashla waited in line in the mess hall with the other soldiers. Alek told her that she should use her status as the Revanchist to move to the head of the line, but she refused.

"I'm no better than they are, Alek. They are surrounded by the Force, the same as I. The only difference is that I have knowledge, whereas they are locked in ignorance," she had told him.

Alek motioned to her as she held her tray while searching for a place to sit. She smiled as she sat opposite of him. They ate quietly, each alone with their own thoughts.

She set aside her ration bar to add to the stack that she had in her quarters. After seeing the hungry faces of the soldiers and knowing how limited supplies were, she had made it a habit to set aside her extra ration bars and portions each day. At the end of the week, she passed them out among the soldiers who appeared to need the extra calories. It wasn't much, but seeing the smiles on their faces let her know every little bit was appreciated.

Her annoyance grew as she looked around the mess hall at the despondent faces of the soldiers. The war was taking its toll on everyone. She hated every time she went back to Coruscant to ask the Council for more aid or resources, only to be denied...to be told she needed to return to the Temple, and forget the war. Your engagement with this war will only lead to regret and suffering. Trust in our wisdom, young knight.

Then, she had to come back and face these men and women who counted on her, and all she had to offer them was further disappointment.

It was frustrating listening to the Council bicker back and forth. She wondered if the Council could see what was really going on, if they could see the horrors that the Mandalorians were inflicting upon the worlds here in the Outer Rim, would they be so fast to ignore their plight?

Alek rapped on the table lightly to get her attention. She looked up from her meal. "Yes?"

"Your boyfriend is on his way." Alek nodded toward a man who was heading in their direction.

"Alek, what are you going on about? I told you that I do not have a boyfriend." She sighed as she looked up to see who he was referring to.

It was the pilot, Carth Onasi. Over the past couple of days, she had checked on him at the med center and found herself spending more time sitting and talking with him, probably more than she should. It was refreshing to have someone to talk with who didn't want to talk about the war, military strategies, or Jedi politics (or the lack thereof). She was beginning to think of him as a friend, not a patient or a fellow soldier.

Ashla shook her head, laughing softly. "Oh, for the last time - he's not my boyfriend."

He snickered in response.

She glared at him. "Oh,shut it, Alek! I told you, he's married and has a child. Nothing is going on."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't always stop some people. Besides, some of these soldiers seem to think that you're a goddess."

"Oh, for the Force! They do not." She rolled her eyes at him as she picked at her food.

He cocked a brow at her. "Hmph, you do not see it, my dear little sister."

Alek grew quiet as Carth approached the table hesitantly.

"Excuse me, Ash. Might I have a word with you, please?" He bowed his head respectfully at her, and then to Alek, who returned the greeting.

Ashla raised her warm brown eyes up to him and smiled. "Of course." She rose and followed him out of the mess hall.

The sun was shining this morning. She pulled her hood up over her auburn hair, covering its fiery glow. She glanced over him through the Force and noticed that his energy and aura seemed much improved. "You look as if you are feeling much better this morning, Carth."

He smiled. "Yeah, I got the all clear from Doc first thing this morning. I just wanted to thank you and say goodbye. I've been reassigned to Serroco and will be leaving in a few minutes."

She swallowed down her sadness, refusing to let it surface. Instead, she smiled. "I am happy to have met you, flyboy. You've been a good friend to me these past few days."

She realized with a pang how much she was going to miss him. She focused on keeping her smile bright, not wanting him to see how she was feeling inside.

Carth returned her smile. "Me too," he said as he stuck out his hand.

She clasped his hand firmly in hers and time froze.

An ancient temple loomed in the distance. The sunlight was warm on her skin. She could hear the soft crunching of her boots as she walked along the sandy beach. He ran up to meet her, and pulled her close in a warm embrace. "Thank the Force you're back. I was so worried." His warm breath kissed the side of her cheek as he murmured softly into her ear. He cupped her head gently in his large hands as he pulled her closer. His lips pressed against hers, as she opened herself up to the kiss. His fingers lingered on her cheeks as he deepened the kiss.

Ashla's eyes widened as she pulled away her hand and let out a shaky breath. Recovering quickly, she smiled and bowed to him in farewell. "Hopefully, our paths will cross again in the future. May the Force be with you."

"I'd like that. May the Force be with you, Ash." He replied as he turned to leave.

Ashla stood in the shadows as she watched him walk toward his transport shuttle. Sunlight kissed his hair as he turned and waved. She raised her hand in farewell.

Alek walked up next to her. "Well, did he profess his undying love for you?" He teased her. His tone was light and jovial, but his eyes were sharp as he watched Carth board the shuttle.

"No, he's leaving." She said, not bothering to hide the disappointment coating her words. "Besides I told you - he's married, Alek."

Alek snorted in derision. "And like I told you - that doesn't stop some people, little sister."

Well, it does me, she thought as she watched the shuttle lift off. And, perhaps Carth too. He didn't strike her as the type to be disloyal to the one he loved. She could be wrong, she thought. She could be building him up into something he was not. Yet, she didn't think so. He didn't seem to be the type to stray.

She frowned, taking a sidelong glance at Alek - who looked particularly pleased with himself. "Really, Alek! You should stop interfering. I don't need your help anymore! I'm old enough to take care of myself. And besides, you needn't worry so much. I know better than to involve myself in a relationship, particularly one with a married man."

He looked down at his sister, seeing her for the woman she had become. "I just want the best for you, my dear sister. You have become, not only a wise Jedi, but a wise woman as well. Especially in regards to men." He elbowed her playfully.

She watched the shuttle soar up through the atmosphere until it vanished from sight. She jabbed him lightly in the ribs. "Yes, well, I learned by watching your mistakes, my dear brother."

She resisted the urge to reach up and touch her lips, her fingers curling in on themselves instead, as she replayed the vision in her mind. An emptiness settled in the pit of her stomach as she stared up into the vast blue sky.

A kiss that will never be, she sighed as walked away.

*A/N: This section was fun to write, but also a bit sad. It started out as a "what if" moment. What if Carth actually had met Revan, but didn't know who she was... How would his personality have been before Saul's betrayal? I thought he'd be a bit more light hearted, but still reserved when it came to his personal feelings & woes.

So, I've been toying with the idea of writing a one-shot from Carth's point of view, since this story is largely told from Ash/Revan's POV. What do you think? Is that something you'd like to read? Drop me a comment & let me know :D

I hope you enjoyed this week's chapter. It was a moment of light for Ash before the shadows take over and the darkness comes.

Thank for reading! Cheers! ~ Nia