Hello everybody and welcome to the World Protection Security Agency (WPSA, you're wondering how I got PSA on this). First off, this series will have retellings of episodes and movies from every series around, but don't expect everything on here, because they will be a select few that I'll be doing for this series. First off is the retelling of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, since I made Haruhi the main protagonist. Expect this to be the same as the anime series, and expect some differences from the anime series. Now, let's roll out and do this series.

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that appear in this fic.

Somewhere in Japan

"So here's this. I know it's gonna sound crazy, but this is what happened. After three years, I saw myself changed. Somehow, I don't know what I have done. But, I noticed that I must of done something wrong. So, where am I now? In the high school. That's right, you know, some school that seems to be ordinary and all. Not fun. Not fun at all. My search for the aliens, time travelers and ESPers begins when the baseball game has ended. Now, my search continues. And I've joined this school to find aliens, time travelers and ESPers. And guess where this leads me to?"

"Nice to meet everyone. I hope we all have a good year together." Said the boy with brown hair. This is Kyon.

"What is he trying to do? Humiliate me? I'll show him." Haruhi has gotten up from her seat. "I'm Haruhi Suzumiya, from East Junior High. First off, I'm not interested in ordinary people. But if any of you are aliens, time travelers or ESPers, please come see me. That is all."

"Is that supposed to be funny?" Kyon asked.

"It was not supposed to be funny, you idiot."

"Okay, next!" Said the teacher. This is Okabe.

Haruhi sat down. Then a guy named Taniguchi stood up. "My name is Taniguchi, and I'm from East Junior High, and I like to write funny letters to late night radio shows."

"What type of act is that? Funny letters to radio shows? Seriously? Who is this guy? Do I know him somewhere?" Then Haruhi took notice of Kyon looking at her. "Why is he staring at me?" Then she turned and looked out the window. "It's fine. As long as everything is under control, it's fine."

Opening theme

You kissed the lips of evil

Two months is all the same

I begged for this man's approval

Pray to die in vain

Sit down with thoughts alone now

With blood these lyrics came

Your words, they eat right through me

Dead could hear my shame

The tears we've cried, this love has died

You're by yourself with me tonight

It's what we hide with every lie

And stitch these wounds with me tonight

The tears we've cried, this love has died

You're by yourself with me tonight

It's what we hide with every lie

And stitch these wounds with me tonight

Liar

Liar

Liar say goodbye

Somewhere in Japan

"Okay, let me get this straight. Everybody thought I was joking. Why the hell am I joking? Couldn't bother these guys for now. Just be patient and see what goes on next."

"Hey, that stuff you were saying when you were introducing yourself, were you serious about all that?" Kyon asked.

"What about the stuff I was saying?" Haruhi asked.

"Well, you know, about aliens and stuff."

"Why? Are you an alien or something?"

"Well, no, but I just…"

"Well, no bout you just what?"

"Well, I...just forget it.

"Then why are we even talking right now? You're wasting my time." Then, they just ignored each other.

Later at lunch

"That was annoying. Why did I have to hear that? What type of person is he? Who does he think he's dealing with? That was a waste of time. Not to mention how much went on today. I'm screwed."

At the table with Kyon, Taniguchi and another guy named Kunikida.

"Look, if you've got the hots for her, take my advice." Taniguchi said.

"Like her introduction?" Kunikida asked.

"Yep, in junior high I can't remember a day when she wasn't doing something completely wacky. Ya ever hear of the "quad scribbles" incident?" Taniguchi said.

"No, what's that?" Kyon asked.

"You know that thing that draws lines on the athletic field? Ah, what do you call that thing again? Whatever. Well, she used that thing to draw this big, mysterious symbol on the school quad. She snuck into the school grounds at night to draw it." Taniguchi explained.

"Yeah, I remember reading about that. I think it was in the local section of the daily newspaper. It sort of looked like a botch version of a Nazca drawing, didn't it?" Kunikida said.

"So you're telling me she did this all by herself?" Kyon asked.

"No doubt. And she totally admitted doing it. Oh yeah, and then one morning I get to class early. All the desks were shoved out into the hall. Then there's the time she painted a star on the roof. And this other time when she plastered these talismans all over the campus." Taniguchi said.

"What the hell is she doing?" Kyon asked.

"You know, like the ones used to re-animate corpses. I have no idea why. But all the same, man, she's pretty popular with the guys. She's not too hard to look at, you know. And she's freaking good at sports. And on top of that, she gets good grades. She's a super weirdo. But if she's standing there quietly, you'd never know." Taniguchi said.

"Something tells me you have more to say about her?" Kunikida asked.

"For a while, she was going out with one joker after another. I think the longest any one guy lasted was about a week. And the guy that had the shortest relationship with her, he asked her out, she said okay, and it ended five minutes later." Taniguchi said.

Unbeknownst to them, Smith was watching from behind a tree, listening to the conversation. "Interesting. Just interesting."

"Then why the hell'd you say okay? Um? I mean that's what I heard, really! I don't know why but she never turns a guy down when he steps out to ask her out. And so, before you get any bright ideas, buddy, take my advice. Forget it." Taniguchi said.

"Forget it? What's to forget when I hadn't even thought about it?" Kyon asked.

"If you were me, there's only one girl in this class to go after. And that's her." Taniguhci said.

"Huh?" Kyon said, confused.

"Ryoko Asakura. And I'm telling you she is in the top three on the freshman hottie list." Taniguchi said.

"So, what? Are you telling us that you've already checked out all the freshman girls?" Kyon asked.

"Heck yeah! I ranked them all from A to D and I even went so far as to memorize the full names of all the A-list girls, buddy." Taniguchi said.

"Really? So what ranking did Asakura get?" Kunikida asked.

"She gets double-A-plus. On top of being gorgeous, her personality is wonderful." Taniguchi said.

Smith stepped from behind the tree and walked out. "You think she is, but soon, you will get to know her true side. Her true darker side." Then Smith laughs, creepily.

After lunch

"After overhearing the conversation, I do know him. Yep. That idiot. Why do I need to go out with some ordinary human? That's not what I'm in the mood for. So anywhere, I go home and think about my plans through there. No one knows where I'm at. Where I'm at, is in this vortex in the fabric of the world, and I built this house myself in the vortex. No one lives here honestly. I just lived by myself. I change my hairstyle every day of the week. Kind of obvious. I like styling my hair, that's all. And when the next day came, Kyon, this normal human, asked me the dumbest question there is."

"Oh, I guess today's Wednesday, isn't it?" Kyon asked.

Haruhi looked at him.

"So, do you change your hairstyle everyday to ward off alien invaders?" Kyon asked.

"Ward off alien invaders? Don't make me laugh." Then Haruhi said: "So when did you notice?"

"Um, a while ago." Kyon said.

"Oh, I see. Actually, I have this theory that each day of the week has its own image with a specific color that only goes with that day. And by colors I'd say that Monday is yellow, and Tuesday is red, Wednesday is definitely blue, and Thursday is green, Friday is gold, and Saturday is brown and the color for Sunday is white." Haruhi said. "Okay, that's also true. I've been having this theory ever since I was a child. Before the whole confusion."

"So if you turn them into numbers, Monday'd be zero and Sunday'd be six, right?" Kyon asked.

"Right." Haruhi answered.

"I kinda feel like that Monday is more like a one."

"I don't think anybody was asking for your opinion!"

"Oh, is that so?"

"...Have I met you somewhere before like maybe in the past, or something like that?" Haruhi asked. "This literally does concern me. I mean, I must of known Kyon before, but where? Where do I know him? My mind is jumbled up. Dammit. And so, the next day I came to class, I got my hair chopped off."

"You think that is a little bit too much for ya?" The fish asked.

"Don't worry, it should be fine." Haruhi said. "This fish insisted on staying with me. I mean, I like him and all, but I still think aliens, time travelers and ESPers would be better than this guy."

"Don't make me sue you, okay?"

"Why sue me? I didn't do anything wrong."

"Uh-huh. Have fun in class."

"So, like I said, I went to school and Kyon noticed something about my hair."

"It's a little rash, don't you think?" Kyon asked.

"Not really." Haruhi said. "And ever since that, Kyon just keeps on talking to me, like he's going for me or something. Pathetic."

"So, there's this rumor going around. Is it true you've dumped every guy you've ever dated?" Kyon asked.

"And just what gives you the right to ask me a question like that? I don't know about anything you heard. Whatever. You wanna believe it, it's probably true." Haruhi said.

"Well, with all that dating, wasn't there at least one guy you were even a little serious about?"

"Absolutely not. They all took themselves way too seriously. And not even one of those dorks was an alien, time-traveler or even an ESPer."

"That's how people are normally."

"Okay, so then what's with most of them asking me out over the phone? I mean, shouldn't important stuff like that be done face-to-face, not phone-to-phone?"

"Yeah, I mean if it were me I'd ask her...then ask her out."

"Wow. I didn't know this conversation is still going. Dammit." Haruhi then said: "Yeah, well none of that's important anyway!"

"So, what is?" Kyon asked.

"Here's the problem: So far, the way it looks is that all the men in this entire universe are pathetic. I mean all through junior high that was the one thing that irritated me the most."

"All right then, so what kind of guy would you have really be into, an alien or something?"

"Yeah! Anything like an alien, or something else along those lines. Anyway, as long as the person isn't an ordinary human, I don't care if it's a boy or a girl."

"Hang on a sec. What's wrong with being human? I mean, why do they have to be an alien?"

"Because that way, life's more interesting!"

After class, Haruhi called the fish on the phone. "Hey, sorry that I have to tell Kyon that I like things that are not ordinary."

"As long as you don't mention me, everything will be fine. In fact, don't tell him about where you live, I'm concern with all that."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Haruhi said. "God, isn't he at least good on his part?"

"Okay, don't even think about doing something stupid, okay?"

"Done and good."

"Thank you. Bye." The fish hung up.

"Man, I don't know what goes on in that little head of his. Don't even think that this is gonna end well."

Unbeknownst to her, a blue haired girl named Ryoko Asakura and Smith were watching her from behind a tree.

"Very interesting girl, isn't she?" Ryoko asked.

"She is, in fact. She has some sort of connection with this Kyon guy. Go to him and don't tell him about our organization." Smith said.

"Yes, sir." Ryoko then transported somewhere in the school building where no one can see her, then she spotted Kyon, Taniguchi and Kunikida and walked towards them.

"Soon, she will be ours. Most definite." Smith then dissipated.

During Class

"Then, Kyon told me this."

"Hey! I heard you checked out all the clubs at school. Give me a hands-up if you know about any interesting ones, okay?" Kyon said.

"Absolutely none." Haruhi said. "They're just normal anyway." "Absolutely none. I thought things would get a little better when I got into high school. But it's the same here as it's been throughout all these mandatory school years. Maybe I'm just in the wrong school." "Wonder what that fish would say if I just switched. I mean, what harm will that do?" "There was a club called The Mystery Research Club."

"Yeah? How was that?" Kyon asked.

"It was hilarious. They told me they've never had anything they could even remotely call a case. And the members were a bunch of mystery-novel nerds, definitely not master detectives." Haruhi said.

"Well, that figures."

"Yeah. Well, I had high hopes for The Supernatural Phenomenon Research Club, too. But that thing was just a bunch of occult freaks. What do you think of it?"

"I don't think about it."

"Oh, man! I'm so bored. With all these clubs, you'd think there'd be a couple of really strange, cool ones out there."

"Listen. You can't help it if there aren't any. Besides, us normal human types, we've gotta be happy with what we're given. You know what I'm saying? You could look at it this way; the people who don't like what they've got are the same people who invent things, and make discoveries, and advance civilization. They made airplanes cause they wanted to fly, and they made cars and trains because they wanted to go from place to place. It's as simple as that. The only reason that we've got all the things we have now because a certain group of people got together and used their talent or imagination or genius or whatever to make it all possible. Ordinary people are probably better off living their ordinary little lives in an ordinary manner."

"Shut up!" Haruhi shouted. "Dammit! How can he be so okay with this when that's not how humans should go around life? It's ridiculous!"

Sometime later in class, Haruhi grabbed Kyon's chair and tilt it a little, but it did hurt him, then he turned to Haruhi.

"Ah...what's wrong with you?" Kyon asked.

"I got an idea!" Haruhi said. "I don't know how, but something came up."

"About what?"

"I can't believe I didn't realize it before. It's so obvious."

"What is?"

"If it doesn't exist, I should just make it myself."

"Make what yourself?"

"Make a club!"

"Ah. I hear you, but you've gotta calm down, all right?"

"What's with you? This is what we're talking about. You should be happier about this development."

"Well, we're in the middle of class."

"You're gonna help!" Haruhi said. "I think Kyon will be some use to me."

"What do you need help with?"

"Starting my new club! That's what!"

"First, tell me why I'm the one who's gotta help you set up a club that's your idea in the first place. And you can let go of my tie now."

"I'll find us a room and some members and I want you to personally handle all the paperwork that needs to be turned in to the school." Haruhi said. "This should work."

"Why don't you tell me what kind of club it's gonna be?" Kyon asked.

"Who cares about that, right now? We've got to go make the club first. You got it? Do all that stuff before school ends, today. I'll find a room for the club by then, okey-dokey?" Haruhi said.

Break

"Okay, let me tell you the basics of clubs. At least five members, a teacher to supervise, a name, the name of the person in charge and the purpose of the organization. But who cares about a teacher to supervise, I'll be the one calling in the shots. That's right. I'm the one that'll be in charge of the whole organization. Our purpose? To find aliens, time travelers and ESPers, that's what. And I have Kyon with me to do all of this. Lucky me."

They walked to the door, which is the cultural department.

"This is going to be our new club room!" Haruhi said.

"Hang on! I don't even know where we are, right now." Kyon said.

"This is the cultural department. The art club's got the art room, and the wind ensemble has got the music room. Am I right? Clubs that don't need specialized class rooms like this end up in this wing of the cultural department. They call it the old building. This room's for the literary club."

"So then, it's the literary club's room."

"Yeah, I know, I know. But this past spring all the senior members left. So now the club's got no members. And if nobody else joins, then that club's gonna be cut. Oh, and this girl's a new freshman member." Haruhi opens the door and Kyon saw what she was talking about. A purple haired girl with glasses named Yuki Nagato was sitting there right next to the window, reading The Fall of Hyperion.

"So, the club hasn't been cut then." Kyon said.

"It's the same difference. Besides, she's the only one here." Haruhi said.

"But what are you gonna do with her?"

"She told me that she wouldn't mind it."

"You sure about that?"

"When I saw her at lunch, I asked her if we could use the club room. She said 'go ahead'. She doesn't really care as long as she's got a place to read. I guess some folks are just strange like that, you know?"

"Look who's talking."

"I am Yuki Nagato."

"Miss Nagato, was it? You understand my colleague here wants to use this room for some other type of club? Are you okay with that?" Kyon asked.

Nagato just stared at him for a moment before saying "I'm fine."

"You are? Okay, but I'm pretty sure that we're gonna end up causing you a lot of trouble, though."

"No problem."

"But someday, you might get kicked out of this room."

Silence

"Go ahead."

"Well, there you have it. From now on, we're gonna meet here in this room right after school. And you'd better show up, mister. Cause if you don't, it's the death penalty." Haruhi said.

"Understood. I don't wanna die." Kyon said.

"We need to find club members. We're gonna need at least two more people."

"What, that means you already have the literary club girl included in the head-count?"

"Yep, that was my plan." "Don't worry. I'll get them in no time. I got a couple leads on some random people I can bring in."

Next Day, in Haruhi's house

"You're planning a club?! Without my permission?!" The fish said in shock.

"Relax. It'll be fine." Haruhi said.

"No it's not! You can't just do something like that!"

"Then what else would I do to find these extraordinary things?!" "Geez, he's a jerk."

The fish sighed. "Fine. Do it your own way. See if I care."

Then at school, Haruhi has spotted a girl walking down the hall with orange hair. Her name is Mikuru Asahina.

"My, my. What a cute adorable moe." Haruhi said.

"You-you think so?" Mikuru asked.

"Why don't you come with me. I have something there for you."

"Um...I'm not sure I can. I have to go somewhere, so…"

"You're not going anywhere."

"HUH?!"

"You're coming with me."

"WAIT! Maybe we can talk about this!" Mikuru was walking a few steps backwards.

"Come on. Just come with me, well ya?" Haruhi was closer to Mikuru.

Mikuru took a run for it.

"YOU COME BACK HERE!" Haruhi chased after Mikuru.

They ran until Mikuru has been caught by a dead end.

"You're mine, now." Haruhi said.

Mikuru is creeped out at this.

After a while, Haruhi pushed Mikuru to the literary club room, opened the door and brought her in.

"Sorry about that! I'm a little late today cause it took me forever to catch her."

"What is this? Where am I? Why did you bring me here? Who are you people anyway?" Mikuru said, frightened.

Haruhi closed the door and locked it, to Mikuru's fright.

"Why are you locking the door?! What do you want from me…"

"Just be quiet. Allow me to introduce Mikuru Asahina." Haruhi said.

Silence

"Where did you kidnap her?" Kyon asked.

"I didn't kidnap anyone. She came here on her own." Haruhi said, that was a lie, pretty much.

"Same difference."

"I caught this one daydreaming her brains out in the juniors' classroom. During recess, I make it a point to walk every inch of the main building. I remembered seeing her around a couple of times and well, here she is."

More silence

"Uh, hang on a second. Did you say she was a junior?"

"Well, so what if she is?!"

"Yeah. Uh, it's Miss Asahina, wasn't it? Why pick her of all people then?"

"What are you, blind? Just look at her! She's a total little cutie!" "And I do mean it." "In this situation, moe is an important concept to keep in mind."

"Sorry, what'd you say?"

Haruhi then touches and plays with Mikuru's boobs, to Mikuru's fright. "Moe! Moe! This girl's a prime example of moe. It's a rule that in stories with strange things going on, you need to have one moe character. Someone with glasses, or in a maid costume or anything fetishy. It's essential! And that's just the beginning!"

"What are you, an idiot? So Haruhi, you brought this girl, Mikuru Asahina, all the way up here just because she happens to be cute, tiny and extremely well-endowed? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" Kyon asked.

"That's right!"

Silence

"I figured what the club needs more than anything is a mascot. Mikuru, are you a member of any other school clubs right now?"

"The Calligraphy Club." Mikuru answered.

"Oh, you can quit that one. It'll just get in the way of our club's activities." Haruhi said.

"Ah. Well okay, I understand."

"Perfect."

"I'm going to quit the Calligraphy Club and join this one. However I don't really know what the literary club does. Could you at least teach me that?"

"We're not the literary club, Mikuru."

"Huh?"

"We're sort of borrowing this club room for now. And the group you're about to join is something that Suzumiya is gonna be starting up. And so far she hasn't figured out a name and has absolutely no idea what we're gonna be doing here anyway. Oh, and by the way, the girl sitting over there reading the book is the real literary club member." Kyon said.

"Oh…" Mikuru said.

"Okay, I've got it! I just figured out what we're gonna call ourselves." Haruhi said.

"Well, spit it out." Kyon said.

She walked to the back of the table, almost close to Nagato. "May I have your attention please. The name of the heretofore nameless start-up club has just been decided. And its name is...The SOS Brigade!"

More silence, lot of silence since you think about it

"Brigade'll have to do then, won't it." "And that's the start of the whole club I've been wanting to put on. The SOS Brigade. Hopefully everything turns out fine."

Umbrella Corporation

Smith has came into the throne room. "I have interesting information on this girl."

The Red Queen turns to Smith. "What is it?"

"This girl is actually looking for aliens, time travelers and ESPers."

"Interesting. We should invade with those then. How is Asakura?"

"She's doing well according to plan."

"Excellent, we can start the operation soon."

"Yes, Your Majesty." Smith left the room.

"I'm sure we have plenty of those here somewhere, Suzumiya. Survive while you still can."

Ending theme

Another sunrise, another sunset

Soon, it'll all be yesterday

Another good day, another bad day

What did you do today?

Why do we choose to chase what we'll lose?

What you want isn't what you have

What you have may not be yours to keep

If I could find love

At a stop, in a park with open arms

I would save all my love

In a jar, made of sparks, sealed in my beating heart

Could it be yours to keep

Jar of Love

Could it be yours to keep

Jar of Love

Haruhi: Next time: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, pt. 2

And that's a wrap! Literally, there are some things different in this thing. Ryoko Asakura is seemingly working for the Umbrella Corp and you are in the mind of Haruhi Suzumiya instead of Kyon like in the anime series. Although you might find this strange, but I added the fish to be Haruhi's pet, even though he isn't in one of the categories that Haruhi's been looking for. The opening them for this series is We Stitch These Wounds by Black Veil Brides and the ending theme is Jar of Love by Wanting Qu. Expect these songs to be in every chapter in this series. Anyway, here's the characters that are introduced into this series:

Kyon, Taniguchi, Okade, Kunikida, Ryoko Asakura, Yuki Nagato and Mikuru Asahina from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya

The fish from The Cat in the Hat

I must of screwed up on something, so please inform if I did. See you back here for the next chapter of WPSA.