Chapter 2: Rise from the Asses

Dante jumped up and slashed each oncoming Summoned Sword—oops, I mean Mirage Blade, then dashing forward to dodge the next wave. He concluded his aerial movement with a decisive Helm Breaker, but Vergil nullified that with a well-timed scabbard.

The elder twin then took advantage of Dante's recoil by sending out an especially snarky Judgement Cut. Taking a direct hit in midair, Dante was made to fall.

Still standing, Vergil panted lightly while claiming victory, "That's another one for me. Now, I take the lead!"

Scowling at his bro, Dante said, "Keeping score with you is a lost fricken cause."

"So, it seems. Arise, Dante. I think I know of a place where we may be able to find some food."

Quickly pulling himself up to his feet, Dante said, "No foolin'?!"

"These white weeds indicate the land is hospitable—"

"Dude—I'm not eatin' weeds. Not in here or the human world."

Vergil growled, "No, you dounce. Any time I traversed a fertile section of Hell before, many times I'd come across trees on hilltops, just like the hills in the distance. The ground around those trees would look distinctly coarse, almost like it was brought up with the tree itself. And unlike the Qliphoth, these trees' fruit would manifest at the top, not the bottom."

"Sounds easy enough," Dante gave his analysis. "How 'bout we start with that one? Seems like it's pretty close."

"Right. Let's give it a look." Commencing their trek, Vergil then requested, "I reckon you've just had the weakness beaten out of you, enough to speak more on your time with Miss Farron."

"Hmph. Just so happens that I got a little strength in me. Now, let's see. Where was I...?"

-X-

Dante checked his rearview, concluding sixty miles per hour on the fifty-five wasn't too rowdy for Lightning to follow. They had long since left the gas station, from there driving through the city, entering and exiting a tunnel, and then traversing across a bridge over sparkling water. The end of that bridge brought them to a well-kept country road, and that part of the drive was pretty boring, so Dante figured he'd bug her over the phone.

Calling her with his actual cellphone—yes, take it all in, Dante owned a cellphone at one point—he patiently waited until he heard, "Hello?"

"Hey. It's Dante." There was a pause.

Lightning gave a deadpan look at the car ahead of hers, replying, "Yeah—what's up?"

Dante moderated his simp level, "Oh, uh. Just checking on you."

Damn it, she smiled at that, and she knew that reluctant smile was audible when she irritably said, "Really?"

"Well, yeah, and…it's honestly kind of a boring part of the drive. Thought I could use the time to bug you a little."

Dante waited for her to take the bait. The following response would give him a hint at whether or not they could click. Hey, if a girl can't talk, then he'd need to know as soon as humanly or demonically possible. Fortunately, she responded, saying, "Well, I'm all ears."

Cool, Dante thought. Shrugging, he asked her, "You usin' hands-free, right now?"

Suspiciously, Lightning said, "Yeah…why?"

Deflecting her suspicious tone, the devil hunter said, "Just keeping your safety in mind, that's all. Kinda wish I had hands-free, though."

Chuckling with an eye-roll, Lightning pried, "And why don't you have hands-free?"

He informed her, "I'm really not that tech-savvy. I'm also not so big on phone calls, especially while I'm behind the wheel, but I don't mind the risk."

Lightning didn't want to set him up for anything too easy, so she said, "Well, I hope you're good at multitasking."

"Heh." Dante was ready to shoot. "You should see me at the buffet. I do some fine work there, if I do say so myself."

A lengthy giggle was achieved from the stone-cold Lightning Farron, who then replied, "You're a dork."

"Well. What about you? You got any strengths or unique abilities?"

Stalling her response, she said, "What, is this an interview?"

"Nah—I mean, unless you want it to be. I think I'd make a damn good boss."

"I doubt that…" Unable to escape the suspenseful silence he gave her, Lightning finally said, "I'm not super skilled at too many different techniques, but I know enough to get by. I guess sword-fighting is kinda my thing, plus I use a gunblade, so shooting stuff is cool, too. Although, I've always wanted to get better with a shield."

Meanwhile, Dante had gotten swelteringly hot under the collar. They were already talking about weapons and fighting styles? He wasn't expecting the conversation to move so quickly. A little delayed, he replied, "Oh, wow. That's…pretty awesome. I, uh, guess you've fought a monster or two, eh?"

"Yeah…but I wanted to work on my battle stamina, especially for solo fights against tough enemies. That's why I thought Monster Country would be a perfect spot to train in."

"Ni-hi-hice…" Dante was, of course, in love, for he had started drooling upon hearing the phrase "battle stamina". Snapping out of it, he decided to dig a little deeper, "So, Lightning. I gotta ask. What world are you from?"

Lightning decided to relinquish more information, "I'm from a world called Cocoon. It's apart of Square Enix's territory."

Dante wanted to gain more knowledge about that subject, but for now, one question was finally answered: why she was so damn beautiful. "Enix, Square, huh? I hear it's lovely over there."

"It has it's charms."

Shooting in the dark, Dante asked, "You got a pet chocobo?"

Lightning smirked at the car ahead of her. "No, I don't have a pet chocobo. Not everyone who lives in Square Enix has a pet chocobo."

"Oh. You know anyone who does?"

"Of course, I do—it's Square freakin' Enix. My friend Fang has like, four of them."

"Well, I'm just checking to make sure you really do live there."

"Why the hell would I lie about where I live?"

"Beautiful people lie, too." He thought, Damn, I'm good!

In fact, he could hear her beautiful smile in her voice as she replied, "You think you're smooth, don't you?"

"Don't you?" Hearing her scoff, Dante dialed it back, then saying, "All right, all right—I'll cool it."

"…"

"…"

"…" Lightning was confused and a little agitated. "Aren't you going to say anything else?"

Dante piped up, "What? I'm cooling it." Honestly, he was just using that time to picture her naked.

"Well—how about I call you back when we get there," Lightning suggested. "You should be nice and cool by then."

"Aww," Dante drawled. "Well, guess I'll just focus on the road. You be safe back there!"

"Hm, I will."

After some level-one flirting totally got edified, Dante took it easy the rest of the way there. Some twenty minutes of desert road driving brought them to an oddly placed parking garage on the edge of a cliff. He then called up Lightning again.

"What's up?"

"Just wanted to make sure you knew how the process works."

"Yeah. You park, ride the gondola, and boom, you're there. It said all that in the brochure."

"Oh—sweet. We're about to lose connection, so, catch ya soon."

They passed through the garage's entrance, both grabbing a ticket and venturing upwards. Finally, they found some open spots on the third floor, parking relatively close to each other. Lightning grabbed her duffel bag and weapons pack, and Dante simply strutted with the musical instrument case.

Lightning noted his lack of baggage, saying, "You must not be staying here long."

"Job should only take a day or two to finish," Dante revealed. "Don't need much."

Walking with the devil hunter, she asked, "You have all your weapons, your extra set of clothes, and your toiletries—all in there?"

"Sure do," Dante proudly stated. "Plus, I'm renting a kickass hut in one of the villages, so I'll be able to take a load off soon."

"Oh, my god." Laughing with an eye-roll, Lightning deduced, "You're cheap, aren't you?"

"Cost effective," Dante corrected. "It comes with a business-oriented mindset. I still spend money where it counts."

"I don't even wanna know."

They took the elevator down to the first floor, and as they rode the moving box, Lightning inquired, "So…what's your job got you doing here, anyway?"

Dante fixed her with a half wary, half aroused looked, and he figured telling her would be harmless. Before he got any words out, though, Lightning dismissed her question:

"You don't have to tell me."

"Well, I was just about to."

"Then why'd you hesitate?"

"I gotta think about your safety, Lightning."

She reflected a little surprise from hearing that. "You're worried I'm gonna butt in?"

"Hmph—a little. Wouldn't be right to include you without payment." The elevator beeped.

Lightning shook her head. "Well, I'm sure we'll be going our separate ways, anyway."

"Oh… Do you know what village you're staying in?" Dante asked.

"Some place called Kuro Soba," Lightning answered, stepping out of the elevator.

Following her, Dante admitted, "Don't know where that is. My job's in a place called Little Yasei, though."

"Hold on—" she pulled out her brochure. "That place is right next to my village."

"Look at that. Guess help is in arm's reach, after all."

"I doubt that. So, you were telling me about your job?"

"Eh, right." Some casual whistling occurred before he got to the point, "It's got something to do with a creature, called a Besarios, having a, uh…demonic presence in his, uh…"

"His what?"

"…Ugh, his monster-guts. Poor guy's come down with a demonic parasite, and some of the locals are reporting, how do ya say…'very animated' monster vomits."

"Uh, ew—!"

"Yeah—long story short, it's sounding like a messy job, but the money's gonna be worth it."

They exited the parking garage into sunlight when Lightning pried, "Well, not that I'm trying to butt in—especially not on that job—but how come you're going it alone?"

"Because…I really want that paycheck all to myself. My usual associates can be a little greedy."

"Hm…" Lightning hummed, then heading into the gondola lift. The last people to board, she and Dante stepped on, joining a large and excited group of potential monster hunters.

"All aboard," Dante chimed.

And so, their passenger car jolted forward suddenly, resulting in Lightning almost losing her balance, but the devil hunter was right there with a daring hand on her back. He teased her, "Balance starts in the mind—"

"Shut up. These bags are heavy."

The gondola lift carried them across a vast chasm of rocky, mist-filled terrain, which eventually turned into lands of vegetation, and the further they rode, the denser the jungles became.

Once they reached their stop, Dante did his "ladies first" routine before joining Lightning in breathing in that fresh Everwood air. They and the rest of the eager Monster Country tourists were deposited on a rocky hilltop overlooking the forest and lake below. The midday sun highlighted diverse colors of this-and-that, making-the-water-sparkle-and-such; Dante checked his pocket watch.

"Welp. Better rendezvous with the who's who, or whatever." He smirked at Lightning. "I've got some time to kill, though. You want a walkin' buddy, just til you get to your village?"

Lightning cut her eyes at him. "Shouldn't you focus on your job?"

"I said I had time to kill. Besides, a little good PR never hurt anyone."

"Dante, our villages are right next to each other. We have to walk in the same direction, anyway."

Up til now, Dante doubted she remembered his name, but that doubt was proven wrong just then. And he did indeed like the way she said it, all annoyed and stuff. Thus, Dante shrugged and said, "It's nice how that works out."

As they walked through the forested trail, the devil hunter finally popped the question he'd been waiting to unleash, "So, does your boyfriend like fighting monsters, or…?"

Exceptionally miffed by that question, Lightning half-yelled, "Don't you think after all this time, I would've mentioned I had a boyfriend?!"

"A…husband?"

Lightning then moved in a way that made Dante flinch, but his reaction was minimal with a smile. She growled, "Keep it up."

"You beat up all your boyfriends, don't you?"

-X-

Vergil complained, "For the love of pride and power—are you ever going to get laid in this story?"

Dante retorted, "You were the one complaining I told it too fast!"

Rolling his eyes, the Yamato wielder admitted, "Yeah, I did say that. But now you're taking way too long! Like, did you really have to tell me about the bridge and the desert you drove across? Seriously—and then you mentioned the parking garage and the elevator…and the goddamned gondola—just strike a balance! It's not that difficult!"

"You sound like a piss-ass YouTuber…" Frustrated, Dante fired back, "How 'bout you tell a story, then. Let's hear about how you met what's-her-face."

"Eh…that one might not be that interesting. It's because—shut it—it's because I can't even say her name."

Laughing mischievously, Dante said, "Well, come up with something. Use a placeholder."

Vergil grunted, "I don't know about th—"

"Call her something hot. Call her 'Diana'. Or call her…'Vanessa', or something."

"Mmmaybe I'll—"

"Ooh! Call her 'Ya-Ya'!"

Vergil seethed. "I'm not calling her that."

Curious out of nowhere, Dante said, "Quick question. What happens if I say her name? You know, her real one?"

Vergil answered, "Then you just say it. I'm the only one not allowed to say it. And, I think, Nero, too."

"Really?" Dante had an idea. "Then just write it down in the ground."

He shook his head. "I've tried that before. The name disappears as I write it, from both landscape and paper."

Perturbed, Dante remarked, "Well, that's weird as hell. How would Capcom know that you're writing it?"

Vergil shrugged hard enough to dent the ground below.

Then, Dante asked, "What if you tried typing it—?"

"Then it disappears from the computer screen. Sometimes, the whole thing crashes—look, I've tried everything. We're better off dubbing her something new."

Dante suggested, "How 'bout Susan?"

Vergil sighed. "That'll work."

Dante then added, "How about Susanne or Susanna? Makes her sound a little wild, huh?"

Admittedly amused, Vergil pointed out, "Must she have a wild name? You don't even know what her persona is like, yet."

"Hey, if she let you hit it, she's gotta be wild—"

"Susanne it is. Right, so I met Susanne almost three or four decades ago, I'm not keeping track. I caught her following me in Fortuna—"

"Hey, maybe when you get to a part when you start gettin' cozy with her, you can call her 'Suzi', or somethin' like that."

Vergil inhaled, then, "…Shut up, Dante."

-X-

Vergil decided to take a detour from the cathedral. It seemed his stalker didn't mind jeopardizing his mission, so he'd need to deal with this distraction efficiently. He walked into an alleyway, then dash-stepping to the building's rooftop. He did leave his overcoat behind as bait, assuming this would be enough to entice his investigator.

From up above, he saw that it was that same woman with the red dress and rocking body from earlier. As she went to observe his discarded overcoat, Vergil dropped down behind her, evidently startling the hooded lady.

"Oh—!" she shrieked.

Standing tall over her, and scowling with all this inner demonic power and toxic masculinity, Vergil demanded, "Why are you following me?"

-X-

Vergil stopped his story due to Dante's uncontrolled laughter. Gripping his hilt, he grumbled, "WHAT?"

"Did you have to do that voice?" Dante asked, about to bust a gut. "I'm sorry—I'm sorry! Go ahead, bro!"

-X-

"I just…noticed you weren't from around here," the woman answered, moving her hood slightly to view him better.

"Hmph, really. What gave that away?" Vergil said, dialing back some of that masculinity, but only by a little bit.

"Your overcoat is of a foreign design," she explained. "If you haven't noticed, everyone around here wears the exact same style of apparel. Like, every day of the week."

Vergil looked over his shoulder, sensing no one else in the vicinity. Then, he said, "You could've gotten yourself killed. You'd be wise to go about your day."

As he turned around, she asked him, "Wait. Who are you?"

"None of your concern." He kept walking out of the alleyway, turning the corner.

She caught up to him, handing him something he left behind. "You forgot your hoodie."

He frowned, put it on, and kept walking.

"You can say 'thanks', you know."

Vergil stopped. "Aren't you late for church."

"Church ended a while ago."

He glanced back at her. "Then, go twice."

And as he kept walking, the young woman shook her head and decided to display one last trait of courtesy. She asked him, "Well, do you need help finding anything?"

Vergil mumbled something.

Barely hearing that, she zipped over to him in record time, then yelling in his ear, "What d'you just mumble at me?!"

Caught off guard by how…suddenly she appeared behind him, Vergil squirmed and said, "Nothing..."

-X-

"I called her a dumb bimbo. I was being nice."

-X-

"You know, even though you've been nothing but rude, I still don't mind helping you," said the woman. "I know a lot about Fortuna, and if you're an outsider, you'll definitely need to know which places are off-limits and why—unless you really want to deal with the Order's militia."

Desperate to dismiss her, Vergil said, "What could a girl like you possibly know about the whole city?"

Looking shifty, she said, "Well…I knew you were out of place, didn't I? You clearly don't belong." While Vergil debated on walking away with most of his pride intact, the lady probed, "I bet you've always felt that way…being a demon, and all."

Vergil stared her down, features hardened like diamond. He hissed, "What did you just say?"

"You are a demon, aren't you? Or am I losing my touch?"

"Your touch—?"

"I can sense it in you and all around you. You're a demon in disguise, aren't you?"

Vergil softened his glare, feeling a little flattered by that slightly false analysis. Going for some slick and poetical rhetoric, he asked, "Is this cage not hollow enough for you?"

She brought her A-game. "Not unless you've already freed the prisoner."

-X-

"Man, what the hell does that even mean?" asked a confused and possibly sexually frustrated Dante. "Were you two referencing a TV show, or something?"

"No, Dante—I was being mysteri—look, she had me in a trance with that response, it was quite enrapturing. She eventually told me more about her sixth sense and even offered me a place to stay. During those days, you could say I…became fond of her."

"Nice—what did her actual tits look like?"

"…Quite excellent. A body like hers could never stay hidden for too long."

Impressed, Dante asked, "How 'bout her face?"

Vergil squinted in remembrance. "Dark hair. Azure eyes that could maim from another room..."

"Lips?"

"Her lips…ssss—oh, how I just remembered her lips…"

"You might as well skip to the good part, now. Did she give you any lip serv—?"

"We'll get to that later," Vergil deflected. "First let's check out this tree."

Indeed, they had been walking up the hill the whole time, finally reaching the top where a grayish tree with glowing yellow veins sat perched. The tree itself was tall and wide with unearthly splendor, and speaking of unearthly, the ground around it betrayed signs of upward movement, leaving cracks all the way down to the bottom of the hill.

"Happy holidays," Dante said with an arm-stretch. "So, where's the fruit?"

Peering through the leaves, Vergil stated, "It must be near that top-branch. Better see for ourselves."

While Vergil dash-stepped up the branches, the hungry-hungry-hunter-for-hire called after him, "There better be enough for both of us plus me again!"

As Vergil reached the top, he looked toward the end of the long, curved, and sturdy branch he stood on. There, the fruit hung in abundance.

"Hm. It's here."

Dante leapt up to his level just then. Staring at it, he asked for clarification, "I'm supposed to eat that?"

The batch of fruit, which was essentially a throng of yellow, star-shaped pears bundled together, were each individually wrapped in shiny black vines. Also, it shall be mentioned again that the fruits were yellow. And star-shaped.

Vergil nodded, "It's not unpleasant once you bypass those vines studded in thorns…which do look and feel like barbed wire."

"I guess." Dante drew Ivory and fired once at its stem. The bullet bounced off. "The hell—?"

Shaking his head, the power-seeker revealed, "That won't work. Shoot it again, but look closer."

Doing just that, Dante noticed his bullet had been swatted away by one of the apparently sentient vines.

"Oh." Apace, Dante then put both his trigger fingers to the test, drawing Ebony and blasting away in a blur. In equally blurry fashion, the thorny vines blocked each and every bullet. Lowering his guns, Dante inquired, "So, what the shit?"

Vergil, who'd been standing there in a meditative stance, holding his sword like a cane and staring softly at the fruit, said, "You must concentrate on the fruit, brother. Want the fruit. Desire it. See it and yourself as one."

"No really—what the shit?" Dante seemed affronted. "Tell me there's a way about getting it that makes sense."

"This cannot be rushed. The fruit must see you as worthy."

Of course, Dante had started charging at the fruit in the middle Vergil's sentence. After his Aerial Rave failed and got him whipped to the edge of the branch, Dante returned and pondered, "All right, so how does it work?"

"Concentration, Dante. Concentration."

"So, stand still?"

"Basically."

"Ugh… How long did it take you to get this dumbass fruit the first time around, anyway?"

"Somewhere between sixteen and twenty hours—"

"AAAAW—!"

"But keep in mind, I was Nelo Angelo at that time. My mind was a mess of anguish and misery, my personal demons all that I knew. If it weren't for my demons' guidance, I never would've found myself again, as well as my way back to the human world..."

Dante looked between Vergil and the fruit, then sighing. "All right, I'll give it a shot. But, uh…would it throw off your concentration if you kept that story going?"

"Actually, no, but…I just got reminded of that time I banged another professor in my office."

-X-

That statement, admittedly crass, might've thrown off the uninitiated, so an extremely verbose explanation is definitely incoming. In this specific non-canon universe, the Capcom higher-ups got together and legislated regulations to keep Dante and Vergil a reasonably safe distance apart, as their close proximity was a hazard to everyone's safety. The only time it was allowed was for the purpose of paid promotions of stuff and things. In order to facilitate the adherence of this oddly-specific decree, Capcom reps urged/manipulated Vergil to secure a job as a Sword Prep professor at a certain prestigious university for videogame characters—for Superstars, O.C.'s, and N.P.C.'s alike. Thus, Vergil was a professor at Overcross University. There, it is written.

…Okay, so Vergil was just wrapping up his afternoon dojo session one day.

"Excellent poise, today. Next time, we may or may not have a pop quiz, so perhaps practicing your draw and withdraw techniques could come in handy."

"HA-HA! You the man, Verge!" said an older student wearing sunglasses, taking his leave with everyone else. "Catch ya later—and don't forget to check out my movies!"

"Yes, thank you, Mister Cage. But that is still not happening."

Another student approached him aggressively. She, a young woman with dreads and a bandana, demanded, "I want a real fucking katana. Not this wooden practice bullshit."

Vergil rationalized, "Just because you're homicidal doesn't mean we should forgo the curriculum. Get better with that bokken, Shaundi, then we'll talk about lethal weapons."

"Let me use yours for a day."

"No."

"I'll give you a hand-job."

"No."

"A blowjob?"

"You should have started with that, but still no."

"Ugh. Fine. Later devil-boy."

Rolling his eyes, Vergil then noticed someone different walking in while Shaundi stormed off. It was Jean Grey, the Psychic Science professor from down the hall. Vergil had his eye on her since he started working there a year and some change ago.

Before he could even get his manly salutation out, he found himself aroused by her tight green X-Man uniform—therefore, he scoped the boobs, figure, and hips as she walked across his dojo.

Finally, he greeted, "Hello."

"How are you, Professor Vergil?" she asked him, batting her eyelashes.

"All is well. Are you enjoying my Grey—er, your Grey—DAY, Professor Grey?" Vergil grimace-smirked through that one.

Jean exhibited signs of finding him fucking adorable. Girlishly giggling, she said, "I am. I was wondering if you had any extra toner?"

Remembering she was psychic or something, Vergil went lax as he replied, "There's a bit of toner in my office, which is behind me and complete with window shutters and a wide desk, and not much on that desk."

Impressed with whatever tactic that was, Jean requested, "Why don't you show me, Professor Vergil?"

"Right this way. And please, call me Vergil, or Verge. Actually—no, just Vergil."

Following him back to his office, Jean replied, "Oh, I hope I can remember that."

"I imagine you should." Vergil went for some dry humor. "It'll be on the test."

He took her into the quaint office, flipping the lights on and locating the toner. Holding it up, he asked, "Is this what you're looking for?" His eyebrows suddenly raised on high when Jean turned the lights back off. For courtesy, he asked, "Is everything okay, Miss Grey?"

"Please," she requested, ripping her shirt open, "call me Phoenix."

Observing the newly freed breasts in his office, Vergil channeled the power of horny, saying, "Oh my."

"It's your lucky day."

She pushed him onto the desk, which was mostly empty like Vergil promised, and she lifted one ankle up to his shoulder, allowing the half-devil to marvel—I couldn't help myself—at her skills.

"Lucky day?" Vergil smirked. "More like jackpot." (It was a simpler time.)

Behold, they tongue-kissed like rabid mongooses. Vergil copped more feels than Logan. Phoenix went Toad with the tongue skills. Blue devil started reaching for her pink stuff, and Jeanie moaned for a bone. The eldest son of Sparda whipped out his devil leg to please her, and she once again went Toad with the tongue skills.

So anyway, she started sucking him off, and it was all Vergil could do to keep from natting too early. He eventually found the rhythm of bucking his hips and saying, "Ahhh," so pro-status wasn't far off. Lolipopping his tip, Phoenix let it salute before standing up and discarding the rest of her outfit. Vergil wasn't a germaphobic shrewd, so he kissed her one last time before sitting her on the desk and slaying that in missionary. He did it with his coat on. After a few minutes of banging, booming, and "ahhhh", Vergil pulled out and hit it doggystyle, clapping those cheeks like he trained in Gunslinger. It was at this point he took his coat off; he felt like flexing while delivering expert-level backshots.

They heard the sound of an electric mop, or some shit, from the dojo. While getting railed, Jean asked, "Is that the janitor?"

"Yeah—it's fine—"

"AAAAH-oh god!" she cried. "Fuck me, Vergil!"

Vergil approved, and he dialed up the tempo.

-X-

"Jeez. In front of the janitor?" Dante asked.

"He was in the dojo, he didn't see a thing." Smirking, Vergil added, "He definitely did hear us, though. If it wasn't the moaning, then it was the squeaking desk. Or the clapping of her cheeks on my pelvis…"

Dante gave a suggestive round of applause. "Not gonna lie. Phoenix was pretty smokin' hot last time I saw her. Think she ever got back with Laser-Eyes?"

Eyes closed in meditation, Vergil answered, "I don't know, and I don't care. Phoenix and I continued to fornicate in private for about two months before she called it off. That guy with the metal claws started snooping around, and I'm guessing they hooked up."

"Metal claws…? Oh, you mean Wolverine? Nah, I think they're just F.W.B.s. You probably could've kept hitting that."

Shaking his head with a shrug, Vergil replied, "I wasn't losing sleep. I already had Samus Aran lined up."

His concentration thrown off, Dante marveled, "Aw, I totally forgot about that! Everyone was talking about how you went deep inside her Zero Suit!"

Smirking, Vergil affirmed, "The rumors were true."

-X-

"I love the way this thing purrs at me," Samus purred herself.

Vergil's car rental was truly paying off, for even the tech-savvy Samus was impressed with all the futuristic bells and whistles of his Capcom-made sports car, the Cue-Cee-Ehf 4000.

Cruising through downtown Nintendo, Vergil chimed, "Just wait until I start parking. This vehicle comes with cameras in the back."

"Now, that's impressive," Samus showed her intrigue. (It was a simpler time.) "Actually, I think the place we're going has valet parking."

"Valet?" Vergil repeated in disgust. "I don't like the sound of—"

-X-

"Wait a minute—it's your turn, Dante!" Vergil suddenly stopped his story short. "I've already told one and a half stories. You still haven't even finished the one—let's hear something good, damn you!"

Sighing lethargically, Dante said, "Fine. I guess I could…tell you about how Lady and I got busy for the first time. Let's see. It was a few weeks after officially opening up Devil May Cry…"

Vergil stopped him, "Wait. You know what…? I was actually pretty invested in your story about Lightning. You two seemed to have a lot of chemistry."

"Well, yeah—but if you want me to build up to it the right way, it's still gonna take some time, and I'm kinda losing interest."

"What, are you a moth—?"

"C'mon, lemme cut away for a sec! I really wanna relive the first time I got to spank on Lady's insanely thick ass—"

"Fine, do as you please," Vergil conceded, but then he was all like, "It just seems like bad pacing to keep jumping through different stories like this."

"No—bad pacing is waiting twenty hours for a goddamn FRUIT!" Dante punctuated that statement with a gunshot, which got deflected by a vigilant vine.

"It shouldn't take nearly that long. First, we must learn to rule our spirits in this hellish realm, otherwise we may never leave." Vergil then coaxed, "Now. About your time with Lightning, the warrior goddess."

"Hmph… All right, so, I kept asking about her past boyfriends…"