Author's note:
just a heads up that the first half of this chapter contains explicit sexual content!
"No, Mr. Barba isn't in his office at the moment, but I can take a message if you'd like that, Lieutenant Benson?" he overheard Carmen say over the phone.
He made a mental note to give Carmen an extra paid lunch break on him for the trouble. He'd been very specific with his instructions not to let anyone from the 16th Precinct know that he was in his office, lying that he needed some alone time to work through the last of the paperwork for the Catholic church scandal. In actuality, he needed time alone to process the events of the night before. Leaning back in his chair, checking one last time that his door was locked, he shut his eyes and let his mind wander back to his bedroom.
Their lips were duelling as her hands gripped his suspenders, holding his body right against hers. His hardening member pressed against her core through his pants, filling her belly with a carnal desire. Before they knew it she had led him to his bedroom and they stood in front of Rafael's bed, chests heaving with anticipation and hands roaming all over each other's bodies.
Oh, he wanted this; he wanted this badly. But he wasn't going to take that plunge until the woman standing in front of him looked him in the eye and told him to leap. He opened his mouth, intending to ask Olivia if this was what she wanted. She sternly pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him.
He saw the intentionality in her eyes, and felt his knees go weak. Olivia was dead serious, and she wanted him to know it.
He was enraptured by her power over him. He was almost scared to look in her eyes and accept that she wanted this, as forbidden as it was, as much as he did. What were they doing, knowingly playing with fire when both their careers were on the line?
"Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to make me beg?" It was part-challenge, part exhortation. "I know you want it."
He jumped her. They crashed onto his bed, ripping off each other's clothing with wild abandon. Her hand immediately roamed to his erection; he took her nipple into his mouth, licking and sucking until it formed into a perky nub,his hand lowered ever so slowly gravitating towards her increasingly wet silk panties. He heard her inhale deeply, drinking in the scent of his cologne.
Olivia groaned in pleasure but wasn't patient enough to sit through a minute more of foreplay. Without warning, she grabbed his hand and slipped it into her panties, soaking his fingers in her wetness. Rafael fingered her glistening folds with masterful precision, his lips never leaving her nipples.
A breathless, strained "Dios," was all he could manage. How they'd gone from a screaming match in his living room to this, he still couldn't fully process. But whatever this was, they moved like they'd been doing this for years.
He watched her shed her panties tossing them to the ground, searching her face for any last hint of hesitance. Any sign telling him to stop, to back away from her now. But he found nothing of the sort. Her brown eyes, heavy with arousal and determination, stared into his, silently telling - no, demanding - he give in to his desire.
He silenced the voice in his head telling him to back away; that Olivia was with someone else. He knew the voice in her head was telling her to do the exact same thing. One move more and they'd plunge over the edge; one step back and they still could act like none of this had ever happened.
But the spell had been cast. The temptation of more was too tantalising for either of them to resist.
"Fuck me, Rafael," she drawled, her raspy voice heavy with longing.
That was all the confirmation he needed, and the last thing she said before their talking was replaced by the slaps of sweat-dampened skin, and muffled moans.
Nothing - not all the anger she'd shown in interrogation rooms, nor the charged fury in her professional disagreements with him - could have prepared him for the vigour with which she moved against him. Those familiar brown eyes were even more stunning up-close. Her skin felt simultaneously scalding hot to the touch and rose-petal soft against his chest, so electric that every touch sent waves of shock through his body. He'd never been kissed the way Olivia Benson kissed him, so hot-blooded and fervent; blood rushed to his manhood, now almost painfully stiff with anticipation.
He took a second to compose himself before inserting himself into her, wanting to make sure that she was ready to take him. Without leaving his eyes, she took his hand and guided his cock into her in one smooth motion, tilting her hips to receive his girth. A guttural moan escaped her lips, and he pushed his lips against hers, engulfing it with his own.
Dios. She wrapped her legs around him, allowing him to take her as deeply as possible. He pressed his lips to hers again and circled her tongue with his, the remnants of the scotch burning his lips and the back of his throat.
It was so wrong, but it felt so damn right.
She gently tugged at his hair with her fingers, wordlessly urging him to thrust faster, harder. A bead of sweat formed above his brow and he let himself forget about Tucker, Cassidy, Haden... Olivia wanted him and he focussed on pleasuring the woman who lay beneath him, eyes dark with arousal and lips all over his.
"Jesus Christ, Liv." He was close, so close - but didn't want to let go until she climaxed with him. He wanted this for her.
He brought his hand to her clit and stroked it as he thrust in and out of her, and her eyes shot open, a tidal wave of pleasure rippling through her body. That was just enough to bring her over the edge, and they rode out their orgasms, clinging tightly to each other. Rafael collapsed on top of her, electricity coursing through every fibre of his being; so much that her cry of ecstasy felt like it was a thousand miles away. For at least two whole minutes they lay silently with legs intertwined, listening to each other's breathing settle.
He was absolutely exhausted and sank into the bed beside her, too fearful to break the comfortable silence. Was she going to leave? Were they going to enter a debate about what they'd just - very knowingly - done?
He didn't expect her to turn to him and kiss him again, this time slow, sweet and loving. Her tongue darted into his mouth and he embraced her, savouring the first moment of tenderness they'd shared that very heated night. She made no move to get out of bed or into her clothes, and he let a sense of peace, no matter how short or deceptive, sink over him as they fell asleep in each other's arms.
Fuck, he thought.
It was earth-shatteringly good sex, and not only because it'd been a while since he last had it. Olivia was so in control of the situation, yet wild and uninhibited - of course he'd fantasised about her privately in the past, but never had he imagined that he would have her that way, so dominant and passionate.
And that kiss when they were done. Was that just her basking in the afterglow, or did it mean something more?
No, no, no. He couldn't let himself get carried away wondering about that. Olivia was with Tucker. He chanted that to himself a few times, forcing himself to remember that fact. Yes, Rafael and Olivia had sex. But only because she had cheated on her boyfriend to have sex with him. Olivia wasn't his, and they both knew it, but one look at the way she stared him down, demanding he fuck her, said otherwise.
He stopped himself before his mind returned, again, to the events of the night before.
No, this cannot happen ever again.
He got up and grabbed the overnight bag he kept in his closet at all times. He desperately needed to take a shower before he delved further down this train of thought.
Just a few blocks away, Olivia Benson was mulling over the exact same events in the privacy of her office, having just been told by Carmen that Rafael wasn't in his office. He wasn't in court; she'd probably be at the courthouse, sitting right behind him like she usually did, if he was. He had to be ignoring her calls, but she understood why. That was one conversation neither of them really wanted to have, but absolutely had to get to as soon as possible.
A knock on her door yanked her back to reality, and she felt her heart sink when she saw who it was. Ed. She took a deep breath and composed herself as much as she could before he stepped in, hoping her residual guilt wouldn't show on her face. He had something in his hand - that something being a bouquet of fresh flowers.
"Liv," he said quietly. "Is this a bad time?"
Yes, this is a bad time, but she didn't want to incur suspicion. "No, sit down."
Ed set the bouquet in front of her. "Liv, I'm sorry for being a jerk at the bar last night. It's been hard for you too, and I shouldn't have trivialised your emotions."
Fuck. Olivia felt like she was about to burst. Ed was being such a sweetheart. He never bought flowers, and here he was with an enormous bouquet, his tone gentle and forgiving... and she'd just cheated on him with their ADA.
He panicked a little when he saw tears well up in her eyes - whether it was from the residual tension from the investigation, or the flowers, or something completely unrelated, he had no way of knowing. "Liv, did I say something wrong?"
Get yourself together, Benson. She stood up and made her way to him while hiding her shaking legs, guarding herself from the irrational fear that she still smelled like Rafael's cologne (she'd had two showers and made sure to change all her clothes, including her jacket). She couldn't possibly let Ed down, not after how sweet he'd been to her throughout the investigation, and now the flowers...
Olivia rested her hands on his waist, not caring that her blinds weren't fully drawn. She forced herself to look into his blue eyes and smile. "These are lovely, Ed. I'm sorry for storming out last night, and missing all your calls."
Missing all your calls because I was in someone else's bed... her brain completed.
Relief washed over Ed's face and he took her in his arms, grateful that everyone knew about their relationship now, as painful as it had been to reveal it in the first place. "I love you so much, Liv. You're the best thing that's happened to me in so long."
Ed wasn't a good liar. He meant it, and that ate away at her soul.
"How about we get dinner tonight? You, me, Noah at home? We can order whatever you want."
It wasn't like Ed to readily include Noah in any of their activities, but the very fact that Ed made sure to include him this time was a sign enough that he was earnest about patching up this rift in their relationship. She could very well say no. But there was no compelling reason to do that, and she wasn't about to let him catch on to what truly was bothering her.
"I'd love that. Come over at 6.30 and we can get something on Postmates?" she offered with a slight smile.
"It's a date. I won't keep you from your work. See you later." He kissed her, once on the cheek and another on her lips, and left her alone with that humongous bouquet, which now served as an emblem of her shame and guilt. There was a small purple card - her favourite colour - attached to it, and she sat back down to read it.
Liv,
You are the goodness in my world. I love you.
Ed
Damn it. She let a solitary tear trickle down her cheek just as Amanda walked in. Sure, she had her differences with Ed, and it sometimes was hard to forget about her difficult professional history with him. But one thing about their current romantic relationship held true: he always tried his best, even though it wasn't in his nature to be a romantic. It just happened to be the worst possible day for him to get romantic.
"Liv, the workers are here to repair the vending machine... Oh God, are you alright? Are those flowers from Ed?" Amanda's eyes shifted awkwardly between the huge bouquet and Olivia's tear-stained cheeks. She'd found out about the relationship only when Olivia packed her things that evening she was transferred, but allowed herself to feel some happiness for her boss, even if she barely concealed her disdain for the stiff captain and his IAB tactics.
"I'm fine, Amanda. Argued with Ed last night, but how can I stay upset when he sends me these?"
Amanda was unconvinced by Olivia's response - was she being sarcastic or genuine? - but backed away to check on the repair crew in the break room, knowing that it'd been a difficult time for both Olivia and Ed. Hopefully her tears weren't a sign of a rift in their relationship, she thought.
Olivia had three hours to compose herself before she headed home to Ed. She couldn't keep tearing up when talking to him - he questioned cops for a living, and would detect if something was off within seconds. But there wasn't time to talk to Rafael today, so getting any closure to her uncertainty, if closure even was attainable, was off the table.
He probably wouldn't entertain her calls about it today, so she grabbed her phone and texted him.
We need to talk about us. Soon.
A reply arrived within seconds.
We do. Not today, though.
Tomorrow. Your office.
No, this is going to take a while and the other ADAs will get suspicious if you're in my office behind locked doors for too long. We need to find somewhere neutral.
Okay, lunch tomorrow. Noon. Washington Square Park.
Okay.
Olivia deleted any trace of that exchange from their chat. A trademark of a cheater, she realised with a sinking feeling. Ed wasn't one to snoop, but she knew that the smallest things could get her ass in trouble, and she wasn't going to take any chances.
She honestly didn't know how to prepare to address the elephant in the room with the ADA. If all went well, they'd agree never to bring it up again, and continue living their lives like it never happened. Maybe he'd chew her out for dragging him into her mess, or worse, never want to speak to her again. Would she rebuke him for agreeing to have sex with her? How on earth would she explain her wanting him so badly?
And that one long, sweet kiss they'd shared as they lay in bed after they'd done the deed - what even was that? That definitely wasn't just the sex talking. She'd chosen to kiss him like that. Like a boyfriend.
Like the way she kissed Ed.
Nothing was certain anymore. That was the only thing she knew for sure.
Olivia tasted bile, sour and acidic, at the back of her throat. She hadn't eaten the entire day and her appetite wasn't even close to coming back. All she could taste was the scotch on her and Rafael's breaths, hot and burning - a taste that all the coffee in the precinct couldn't wipe.
That evening, Olivia left the squad car at the precinct and found a corner seat on the 1 train, its annoyingly high number of stops a source of comfort for her on a day like this. More stops meant delaying her return to her apartment, where she knew Ed was already making himself comfortable and perusing the take-out menus in the kitchen drawer before Lucy dropped Noah off.
She mentally ran through the state in which she'd left her apartment that morning - the clothes she'd worn last night and now reeked of Terre D'Hermes were in the hamper, buried beneath three days of old laundry (and sprayed with Febreze for good measure). Her winter jacket was at the dry cleaners' - Ed definitely would smell the cologne if she left it on the coat rack by the door. Thankfully, she hadn't made her bed in days, making it look like she'd slept there last night; she wasn't one to make her bed in the morning, and Ed knew that about her.
Fuck. First the deleting of texts, and now the concealment of an unfamiliar masculine scent. It disgusted her, thinking of herself as a cheater. She'd only done it once. But even if she washed every trace of Terre D'Hermes and Macallan from her skin, she still reeked of guilt, and that was a stench she couldn't wash away with just a shower.
Lucy had just arrived at the Benson apartment when Olivia walked through the door, and she gratefully ran over to embrace Noah, conveniently ignoring Ed's concerned gaze from the kitchen counter. She knew he was looking for signs of red eyes or dishevelled hair, after her tears in her office that afternoon, but she could play that game just as well as he did.
Three hours with Ed. Then I can go to bed. In my own bed.
"Liv, how are you feeling?" He'd ordered a large pizza, and they sat side-by-side on her couch, his arm around her as they watched Noah fiddle with his blocks on the floor. She shut her eyes and tried to ease into the arms she'd grown familiar with, but now felt cold and distant, and only reminded her of the arms she'd fallen asleep in the night before.
"I'm okay, I guess. Had a tiring day sorting out some paperwork and handling a difficult suspect." And thinking about how I let you down…
Thank God Ed wasn't the kind to press her for details, because there was no way she was ready to handle that. She put on HBO and watched whatever was airing at the time, eager for a distraction of any kind. Her eyes, heavy from the strain of the mental gymnastics she'd been playing the whole day, gradually shut to the quiet hum of the speakers.
"Liv...?" She jolted awake, feeling Ed's hand on her shoulder, and squinted at the clock on the coffee table. 10:03pm. "You fell asleep. I've put Noah to bed. I think I'd better let you get some rest."
And bam, there it was - her nagging sense of guilt, back in full force. He'd put to Noah to bed, which he almost never did voluntarily, for her. She sat up on the couch, now fully awake, and noticed that he already had his jacket and scarf on.
Okay, Benson, focus on Ed. Now's not the time to think about Ra-...
"Ed... I'm sorry for such a crappy date night."
"It's alright, Liv. You need to get some sleep. But can I ask you something before I go?"
"What is it?" Her pulse accelerated hearing his nervous tone and shifty manner. Was he on to her? Surely there was no way he'd snooped through her laundry hamper and found the offending outfit while she was asleep? Or found another sign of the events of the night before that she'd missed that morning?
Eyes darting awkwardly between her and the floor, Ed asked, "Are we okay? You know, after last night?"
Olivia resisted the urge to heave a sigh of relief. She was still in the clear. (But for how long?)
She took a step towards him and took his hands in hers to assure him - and herself, while at that. (Really, she needed it more than he did.) "Yes, we're fine, Ed. I'm tired, but this has nothing to do with you, I promise."
It was technically true. Ed hadn't done anything to deserve this.
Worries assuaged by her response and display of affection, he kissed her goodbye and left with a last "I love you". She waited until she heard him get into the lift and then headed into the bedroom, phone in hand.
That last conversation had erased any trace of exhaustion; now she was keenly awake, mind racing yet again. She collapsed into bed, not bothering to change out of her work clothes, and forcibly shut her eyes. It'd been less than 24 hours since she'd fucked her love life up, and it wasn't going to get any easier. The thought made her want to throw up again, and she gulped some water from the glass Ed left on her nightstand, stomach churning with anxiety.
Real sleep didn't come easy that night, especially knowing that she had a difficult conversation the following afternoon.