I don't know what made me think I could knock this story out in one chapter originally. Anyway, Adventure Time is owned by Cartoon Network. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Enjoy.

Bite the Bullet: Chapter 2

The revelation that Bonnie had duped Simon into helping her with her decidedly underhanded scheme to weaken the Fire Kingdom had reignited an old argument between her and Marceline. Although whether Breakfast Princess had done this intentionally or not was still unclear. When the Vampire Queen asked her about the incident later, BP claimed she hadn't known that she was in the room at the time of the call and that she had only the vaguest notion that she and the frosty monarch had any sort of connection. It was possible, even likely, that both statements were true, but given everything that came after, one can never be too sure.

However, regardless of Breakfast Princess' true intentions, her comment had kicked a proverbial hornets' nest that threatened to destroy a centuries old friendship and at the time, no one was sure if it could be saved.

XXX

"A millions times! I told you that story a million freaking times!" Marceline shouted venomously at her so-called friend. "I told you about how he saved my life, about the wonderful man he used to be, and you still had the gall to use him like that! I just… I don't even understand you. At this point you either don't get it or you don't care."

"Marceline, of course I care, I just…"

"Well then you just don't get it!"

"Marceline, please…"

"And the worst part is that you knew this would upset me, but you did it anyway and just hoped I'd never find out. You know something, maybe BP's right about you. Maybe you do only care about yourself."

"Marcy, please, I just… sigh… Okay, I admit it. I don't always consider other people's feelings when I do these kinds of things, but if I did then I'd never get any important work done."

"Is that supposed to be your idea of an apology? Because it sucks."

"No, it's just an explanation. I'm not really good with apologies. Not when they really count anyway."

"Yeah, no kidding."

"Look, Marcy, I just… when I learned about Flame Princess having a cache of ancient war machines I panicked, and tricking the Ice King…"

"Simon! Call him Simon!"

"Okay, okay… and tricking Simon into weakening the Fire Kingdom's core with his ice powers was the easiest way to get Flame Princess to lead me to her Fire Giants so I could destroy them."

"And why did you even need to destroy them in the first place? I've spent time in the Fire Kingdom and from what I can tell, the Fire People just think they're sacred relics or something. FP probably wasn't ever gonna use them."

"Well I couldn't take that chance. I saw a potential threat to my kingdom and I neutralized it. Am I sorry I got found out and feelings were hurt? Yes. But if I had to do it over again, I would."

"Sigh. Bonnie, you just… you make it so hard to be on your side sometimes. You know that, right?"

"I do, and I appreciate you sticking by me on this. I don't think I could deal with all this crazy junk without your help."

"Uh, who said anything about me helping you? You're on your own, Princess."

"What?"

"You tricked my oldest friend into doing your dirty work and then you lied to me about it! I'm never helping you with anything ever again!"

"No, please, Marcy! You can't just leave me like this!"

"Why not? You still haven't apologized. You haven't even tried. It's obvious you don't really care about my feelings, so why should I care about what happens to your stupid kingdom?"

"Because you know me better than anyone. You know I'm not the monster Breakfast Princess says I am. And even if you're mad at me for what I did, deep down you know I'd never do anything to hurt you on purpose; or anyone else for that matter. All I want, all I've ever wanted is for the people I love to be safe and happy, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. And I don't care if it makes me look like a supervillain to the rest of the world. I can take whatever flak I have to from anybody… except you."

This time, the Vampire Queen didn't respond. She just crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes in a silent signal for the Princess to continue.

"Marceline, if it means protecting my Candy People, I can take everyone else hating me. Flame Princess, Breakfast Princess, even Finn if it ever came down to it, but not you. You're the best friend I've ever had, or ever will have, and I'm… I'm sorry I used your friend behind your back, but you have to believe me, I never would've done it if there had been any other way. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you, because… because you're the most important person in my life."

Once again, Marceline didn't respond immediately. She just stood there in silence as she mulled over everything Bonnie had just said, and after several moments of deliberation, she softly sighed and said,

"Fine… I'll help you."

"Really? You mean it?"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." She admitted, scratching the back of her head and blushing a little. "C'mon, Bonnie. Let's be serious. You know I could never really ditch you, not when you're this desperate."

"Yeah… I guess I should've known better."

"But don't think this means you're off the hook! You still owe me and Simon big time."

"I know, and I promise as soon as this crisis is over I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to both of you."

"Whatever is takes?" the Vampire Queen asked mischievously.

"Y-Yes. Whatever it takes." PB answered nervously.

"Alright, then take Simon out on a date."

"What?"

"You heard me. You have to take Simon out on a date. And it has to be a real date, out in public. That means dinner, dancing, and a smooch at the end if he wants it."

"Ugh! Gross! You can't be serious!"

"Oh, I'm dead serious. This'll make Simon so happy, and you said you'd do anything for the ones you love."

"I don't love him!"

"But I do, and seeing him happy will make me happy. And besides, this is the only way to prove to me that you're really sorry."

"Shudder. Fine, if that's what it takes, I'll do it."

"Promise me."

"Okay, I promise…"

"Uh-uh. You have to Royal Promise."

"Okay… I Royal Promise that as soon as this financial crisis is solved, I'll take the Ice King out on a date, in public, and…"

"And it has to be the real you that goes out with him. Not a clone, or a robot or an AI hologram or any of your sci-fi nonsense."

"BLARG! Okay! Whatever! I, Princess Bonnibel Bubblegum, Royal Promise to agree to all of your terms and that I won't try to weasel out of it in any conceivable way, but only after we save my Kingdom from subjugation and economic collapse! There! Are you happy now?"

"Very." Marceline said teasingly before switching back into support mode. "Okay, Bonnie. So what's the plan?"

Upon hearing this question, the proud pink princess visibly deflated and said,

"I have no idea."

XXX

Over the next week and a half, the two of them tried attacking from problem from every angle they could think of. First they tried to find some kind of loophole in Breakfast Princess' contract; some minor detail that would allow PB to skirt all the new rules and restrictions while still taking ownership of the new Baker's Shard. When they couldn't find one on their own, they showed the contract to eight of the finest lawyers in Ooo and all of them said the same thing; that it was airtight. When that road proved fruitless, Marceline suggested they try using the international laws of Ooo to their advantage. BP had made some pretty hefty demands, so it was possible she'd overstepped her bounds. Unfortunately, this proved not to be the case. Since Bonnie had told her that she could 'name her price' in an official PPPPM, it constituted a binding verbal contract. So not only were her terms perfectly legal, they were nonnegotiable and could only be changed if Breakfast Princess chose to.

And what, you ask, as well you should, of the Candy People?

How were they dealing with this crisis?

Well, as previously stated, the Candy People were an excitable bunch who were prone to irrational thinking in tense situations. So in order to keep them blissful and ignorant, and prevent a full-scale riot, Bonnie decided to have them all play a little game. She declared that as part of a special sociological experiment, everything in the Candy Kingdom was free for the next thirty days, but no one was allowed to 'buy' anything they couldn't normally afford or take anything that wasn't already for sale. Naturally, they all bought it hook, line and sinker, but this was only a temporary solution. The Candy People weren't known for being very bright, but they could only be kept in the dark for so long; especially with conspiracy nuts like Starchy sniffing about. They needed a new Baker's Shard and fast.

Anyway, after all the legal avenues failed, Bonnie briefly entertained the idea of going with Peppermint Butler's plan, but after running a few scenarios in her head she threw the option out completely. She concluded that even with Marceline's help, there was a 89% chance that the mission would fail and that Finn and Jake would both die horribly. And as desperate as she was, PB couldn't risk the lives of Ooo's greatest protectors for her own gain; especially after Breakfast Princess accused her of only caring about herself. For a time it seemed like her only option was to knuckle under and accept her new role as the Breakfast Kingdom's lacky, but just when all hope seemed lost, help came from a very unexpected source.

XXX

It was around 10:30 at night and as instructed, Bonnie and Marcy were waiting in the abandoned parking garage on the Candy Kingdom's lower westside for their mysterious informant to arrive. Naturally, they'd both been suspicious when PB received an anonymous email from someone claiming to have intel they could use as leverage against Breakfast Princess, but given how desperate they were, they decided it was worth the risk. And even if it did turn out to be a setup, there were only a few baddies in all of Ooo that they couldn't take down together.

Anyway, it was just about the time their informant said they'd meet with them and PB was starting to get antsy. Not that Marceline could really blame her; after all, her kingdom was hanging by a thread and the intel this deep-throat supposedly had just might be the one thing that could save her from two and a half centuries of kissing Breakfast Princess' eggy butt. But still, fidgeting the way she was wasn't going to solve anything.

"Bonnie, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine." The Vampire Queen said reassuringly. "I mean, c'mon, it's not like this is the first time you've done shady deals in sketchy places like this."

"Yeah, but never with the stakes this high." The pink princess replied nervously. "I caught Starchy eavesdropping on one of my phone calls today."

"Did he hear anything important?"

"No, but I can tell he suspects something. He knows I'm hiding something, but he has no idea what. And I imagine that right about now he's treating his loyal listeners to a long list of crazy theories."

"So what? No one with any brains takes him seriously."

"Doesn't matter. He's still putting ideas out there, and ideas tend to spread like wildfire. If this doesn't pan out, I may just have to bite the bullet and sign that stupid thing before…"

Just then, a strange shuffling sound pierced the air, diverting the duo's attention towards its source. In the distance, a short, shadowy figured moved slowly through the darkness.

"Thank you for coming." The figure said in a hushed but unmistakably female voice. "I'm sorry if I'm a little late, but I had to make sure I wasn't followed."

"Actually, you're right on time." Bonnie answered politely. "But if you don't mind, I'd kinda like to move this along. I'm in no mood for games."

"I figured as much." The figure replied. "Okay, let's get down to business."

With that said, the figure stepped out of the shadows, revealing herself to be none other than…

"Hotdog Princess?" the duo exclaimed confusedly.

"That's right. It's me." The little wiener dog said in the most serious tone her bubbly voice could manage.

For those of you who don't already know, Hotdog Princess and Breakfast Princess were BFFs. The two of them, along with their other BFF Wildberry Princess, could often be seen hanging out together in day spas, in coffee shops, the roller rink, and each other's castles. So you can imagine how shocked our two heroines were to learn that she was the one helping them against BP.

"I don't get it. I thought you and BP were besties. Why do you wanna help us stop her?" asked the Vampire Queen confusedly.

"Because, while I agree with her that there needs to be some kind of oversight when it comes to PB's experiments, I don't approve of the way she's going about it. It's just not right of her to take advantage of you when you're this desperate."

"Well, I really appreciate this, HP." The candy princess said gratefully. "I know it couldn't have been easy for you to go behind your best friend's back."

"It wasn't, but I have to do what I feel is right."

"Good. So what's this intel you were talking about?"

"Not so fast." The little wiener dog said as she held up her right front paw. "Let's discuss my payment first."

"Excuse me?" Marceline said furiously, getting all up in Hotdog Princess' face. "What about all that stuff about not wanting to take advantage of people? Now you're making demands?"

"Look, Strawberry Breath." HP said sternly to the Vampire Queen. "What I'm about to tell you two was told to me in the strictest confidence. Pinkies were sworn on. So if I'm going to violate my principles for the greater good, I expect to be compensated."

Marceline rolled her eyes at the blatant hypocrisy of this whole exchange, but chose to hold her tongue and backed off. After all, this was PB's problem, so it was up to her to decide.

"Alright, I'll hear you out." Bonnie said in a soft but serious tone. "And if I find your terms reasonable, I promise I'll meet them all to the best of my ability, but only after my Kingdom is safe. So this intel better be good."

"Don't worry, it is." Hotdog Princess assured her, before she began listing her demands. "Now, first of all, I want you to resign as Secretary-General of the Grand Council of Ooo Royalty and name me as your successor."

"What?" exclaimed Marceline incredulously. "Why you sneaky little…"

"I know how it sounds, but I swear this isn't some powerplay." The little wiener dog said in an almost pleading fashion. "It's just… I know you all think I'm just a little Princess with a little Kingdom, but I have a lot of big ideas and I'm ready for them to be heard. All I want is a chance to prove myself. Is that so wrong?"

"Sigh. Alright, you've got a deal." Bonnie said softly, much to Marceline's dismay.

"Bonnie, no, you can't…"

"I'd lose that position anyway if I sign BP's contract. At least this way I lose it with some dignity." The pink princess explained to her friend before turning back to her informant. "Is there anything else you want?"

"Yes, second, I want you to use your lab to make me my ideal hubby." Hotdog Princess replied, suddenly sounding more like the version of herself most people were familiar with. "We can go over the specifics later, but for right now just know that I want someone as strong and brave as Finn, but who's also sweet and sensitive and will love me for my brain as well as my body."

Once again, the Vampire Queen rolled her eyes but said nothing.

"Deal." PB said confidently. "Anything else?"

"There's just one more thing, but it's kind of the most important one." Hotdog Princess replied, blushing a little. "Before I take myself off the market completely, there's a little item on my Bucket List I need your help with."

"Uh… okay, what is it?"

"Well… once your Kingdom is safe and things start to cool down, I want you to arrange for me and Finn to play Seven Minutes in Heaven." HP said, pausing briefly to giggle like a schoolgirl as her blush intensified. "And I expect his full participation. That means open mouth, with tongue, and he has to call me Tasty Lips the whole time."

Marceline felt like smacking her forehead in exasperation after hearing such a ludicrous demand, and judging by the look on Bonnie's face, she felt the same way.

"Look, HP." She said, sounding quite bewildered. "I can clone you as many husbands as you want, but I can't force Finn to make out with you."

"I'm sure he can be persuaded if you use the right words." The little wiener dog said shrewdly. "Besides, my terms are nonnegotiable. Either I kiss Finn, or you start kissing BP's butt. Your choice."

"Ugh! Fine. You win, you little extortionist." Bonnie said, trying not to sound bitter. "Now what's this intel that's supposedly going to save my Kingdom?"

"Okay, okay, I guess you've earned it." Hotdog Princess said before switching back to serious mode. "It's like this. A few months back, at our last sleepover at the Breakfast Kingdom, we were playing Truth or Dare, and Wildberry Princess got Breakfast Princess to reveal her deepest, darkest secret."

HP paused for a moment to look around, just to make absolutely sure no one else was listening in, before she continued.

"BP has a huge crush on Marceline."

Naturally, this was not the sort of juicy intel our two heroines were expecting. In fact, it was so unprecedented and seemingly out of character for the tiny monarch that had they been drinking something, both of them would have done spit takes.

"I know it sounds crazy, but it's the truth." Hotdog Princess said, apparently sensing their profound confusion. "BP's got it bad for you, Marceline. She thinks you're the most gorgeous girl in all of Ooo, and that you have the voice of an angel."

"But I don't understand. I've seen the inside of her room and the only CDs she has are for lame pop bands." The Vampire Queen asserted bewilderedly.

"She likes boy bands just fine, but she thinks you're a musical genius. She has all of your albums in a special shrine in her closet, plus one of your Concert Ts that she wears every night as pajamas."

"Well, as interesting/disturbing as all that is, I don't really see how it helps Bonnie." Marceline said with just a hint of irritation in her voice.

"It helps because she practically worships the ground you float over; especially after the way you saved all of Ooo from that giant cloud monster. Heck, even before that, she'd probably do just about anything for you. Didn't you find it weird that she never tried to get back at you after the Princess Day incident?"

As a matter of fact, she did. However, the Vampire Queen had always just assumed that Breakfast Princess was too prim and proper for petty revenge.

"I'm not sure I like where this is going." Said Bonnie concernedly. "Are you suggesting that Marcy take advantage of BP's crush to seduce her into handing over the Baker's Shard?"

"No, I'm sorry, but that wouldn't be enough." HP replied. "She really wants to put you under her thumb, so it's gonna take a lot more than just a quick conversation."

"Ugh! Please don't tell me I have to make out with her." Marceline said disgustedly.

"Uh-uh. It's gonna take more than that."

"So what then? I have to take her out on a date too?"

"No, I'm afraid you still don't understand." The little wiener dog explained. "At that slumber party, BP showed us some pages from her private diary, mostly just drawings and fanfics. But after seeing all of that, I can say with the utmost confidence that the only thing she wants more than to rein in Princess Bubblegum is for you to be her quote-unquote 'Darling Wifey Poo'."

Upon hearing this, Marceline's heart stopped; or at least it would have if she weren't already undead.

"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute." PB said with understandable shock and alarm. "So you're telling me that the only was to save my Kingdom…"

"Is for Marceline to pop the question to Breakfast Princess ." HP finished, sounding stone cold serious.

"Oh, thank Glob." The Vampire Queen said with stunned sarcasm. "And here I was worried it'd be something awful."

End Notes:

Before you say anything, Breakfast Princess was old enough to own a car during the events of Princess Day, so I'm certain she was at least 18 by the events of Stakes.

But regardless, thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next one.

Peace.