Here is the final part of this little two shot. Let me know what you think.
The odd group returned to Alexandria in record time. Carol and Lydia in the front and Daryl pushing Negan along in the back.
Negan had begged Carol, as they walked, to back up the story he had told Daryl about killing Alpha. Though she really didn't feel like saying much of anything at the time, she had told Daryl that he was telling the truth. Daryl hadn't looked at her fully, but he had nodded to acknowledge her words.
He still didn't untie Negan. He told his prisoner that the council would decide his fate once they heard the new developments. Negan had protested but ultimately had no choice but to continue walking with his hands bound.
Carol watched the gate slide open, revealing Gabriel. His eyes immediately settled on Negan. There was a hard look there. Carol moved inside, Lydia following at her side, while Daryl shoved Negan forwards. Gabriel closed the gate tightly before turning to regard them all again. He looked to Daryl.
Daryl set about explaining that Negan had killed Alpha and that he claimed to have only joined up with her in order to kill her. He added that he believed Negan should go back to the cell until the council could talk. Negan did not look happy about that, but for once, kept his mouth shut.
Carol noticed how Daryl never mentioned her involvement at all. Not how she had let Negan out nor that she had plotted with him.
Gabriel nodded at Daryl's recommendation and told Daryl to leave the prisoner with him. The little group left Negan behind as they headed towards their home.
Daryl had stormed off ahead of them and Lydia fell into step beside him, trying to match his large strides. Carol followed behind them, dragging her feet.
She was waiting for the confrontation to happen. She knew he was pissed at her. Again. That's all she seemed to do nowadays. Piss him off.
Daryl opened the front door of their house and let Lydia pass before him. Carol expected him to slip inside too once the girl had gone in. Instead, he continued to hold the door open. Waiting for her, she realised. Her stomach jolted as she watched him stand there expectantly. She had thought he'd disappear the first chance he got.
She quickly climbed the stairs and glanced at him before entering the house. He avoided her gaze. The door closed quietly behind them.
Lydia was standing in the foyer watching them both quietly. She walked over to Daryl soon. Carol watched Daryl break the stare he had been giving her to look at Lydia. The girl gave him a smile before reaching up to hug him. He accepted her hug without protest, rubbing his hand up and down her back.
"I'm so glad you're okay. I lost sight of you in the battle and was really worried," Lydia said, her words muffled by Daryl's chest.
Daryl patted her back gently but didn't answer her.
Lydia pulled back from him soon with another little smile.
"I'm going to head to bed," she announced, looking at them both in turn.
Daryl nodded at her. Carol managed to nod her own head, unsure if the girl really cared about her response anyway.
Lydia began to walk off, but she paused when she reached Carol. Carol watched her look her up and down before the girl reached out and grabbed her hand. She gave Carol a look that was almost a smile as she squeezed her hand. After a beat, she dropped it and continued on her way to her bedroom. Leaving Carol and Daryl alone.
Her heart began to beat wildly in her chest, waiting for the questions and accusations to come.
"You should go get some rest," he said, surprising her.
She blinked and opened and closed her mouth.
"But…" she started but he cut her off.
"Think we've all had a hard night," he said, finally meeting her eyes. He looked exhausted and not just physically. She knew a lot of that was her fault.
"We'll talk later," he added with a meaningful look. His tone booked no argument.
Carol gave him a nod, in disbelief that she was being granted a bit of a reprieve. She turned to the stairs to head to her room, but his voice called to her again.
"Please, don't hurt yourself," he begged in a small voice.
She turned around to look at him again and she could see the pain in his eyes. She understood now that he was trusting her to have some time to herself. Even though she didn't deserve that trust.
"I won't," she vowed quietly, feeling tears pricking behind her eyes.
Daryl nodded at her and he chewed his lip before he slipped downstairs, his limp becoming more pronounced. Carol stood there for a while after he disappeared before she finally ascended the stairs to her room.
In the hours Carol spent in her room, she had showered and attended to the few injuries she had sustained in the battle at Hilltop. A few minor burns and scrapes. Then, she had collapsed on her bed, falling into a fitful sleep.
She had woken only two hours later with a gasp, the dream she had been in the grips of unclear. She could remember though, that there had been many people involved. Henry, Sophia, Sam, Lizzie and Mika. Even Alpha had been present, she remembered. Carol could feel tears drying on her face.
She stood from the bed and moved to the bowl of water on the vanity. She washed her face thoroughly and used a hand towel to dry it.
Carol knew she was delaying the inevitable. She needed to head downstairs and face the music. With that thought, she brushed her hands over her fresh clothes and opened her bedroom door. She shut it behind her gently and hesitated at the top of the stairs. She started down them, feeling her heart pounding.
Carol didn't let herself pause in her journey, she just continued down the next set of stairs until she came face to face with Daryl's door. She raised her hand and dropped it again a few times. She shook her head at herself. The longer she dragged it out, the worse it would be. Gulping in a deep breath, she rapped lightly on the door and waited, holding her breath.
She heard footsteps and then the door was swinging inwards to reveal a, still, tired looking Daryl. He had visibly showered and changed too. Well, his shirt, at least. He still wore his ratty old trousers. She couldn't help the twitch of her lips.
"Hey," he greeted her in his gravelly voice. His eyes had lost some of their edge, but it was still there.
"Hey," she replied meekly.
Carol knew it was stupid, but part of her expected him to slam the door in her face. Even though she knew he had been waiting on her, it still seemed too good to be true that he wanted to talk to her at all.
Daryl opened the door wider and stepped back to give her room to enter. She did so gingerly, feeling unwelcome in his space. She watched Daryl close the door and turn to face her. Carol waited, not knowing how this was supposed to play out.
Daryl sighed and moved over to the couch. He took a seat, wincing a little as his leg bent. He looked at her again and patted the space next to him in invitation. Carol didn't hesitate to cross to the couch and sit next to him tensely.
She looked around the room, using it as an excuse to not have to look at him. Her gaze zeroed in on the double capped acorns sitting on his table. It serves to make her smile in spite of the situation. She hadn't thought he'd really keep them.
Her smile drops quickly.
Next to the acorns is her gun.
She looks down again, feeling guilt eat at her. The room is deathly silent for a painfully long time.
"Please say something," she can't help begging, unable to take the quiet any longer.
She hears him huff.
"What do you want me to say?"
Carol turns her head to look at him. His eyes are tired, and his mouth is downturned. His fingers are playing with the bandage on his thigh.
"Anything. Whatever you want," she answered, "You can yell at me if you want."
Daryl chews his lip and shakes his head.
"Ain't gonna yell at ya. No point even if I wanted to. Seems you already decided what you want."
Carol flinched and Daryl sighed again.
"If you're that set on going, there's nothin' I can do to stop ya. God knows, I've tried," he said, shaking his head, a dejected look in his eyes.
Carol felt her guilt intensify and she swallowed heavily.
"I've tried everythin' to try to get ya back," Daryl continued in a frustrated tone. He wasn't looking at her, just staring ahead. He nodded to himself before flicking his eyes back to her. "Way I see it, it's gotta be your choice. You've gotta decide for yourself."
His words hit her, and she felt their weight. She owed him the truth at least. She owed him much more than that, but honesty was all she had to offer.
"I got lost. Out there in the woods. I was… Trapped. Inside my own head," she started, looking down at her hands. "My subconscious was torturing me."
She finally looked at Daryl and their eyes met. He had already been watching her.
"That's what got me to that point," she told him, and he didn't make an attempt to reply. He just kept watching her, listening intently to her words.
"I'd like to think that I wouldn't have pulled the trigger if Lydia hadn't shown up. Honestly, I don't know," she confessed.
She could see the sadness in Daryl's eyes at the revelation. He looked down with such disappointment that it choked her up momentarily. Carol sucked in a breath and let it out on a sigh.
"When I saw Alpha's head? When I held it? I waited for the feeling of satisfaction. For those feelings that have been eating at me to disappear."
She shook her head.
"They didn't. That's when I knew that no matter what I did, it wasn't going to get better."
Daryl gave her a stricken look.
"Don't say that," he begged in a broken voice. There were unshed tears in his eyes.
Carol felt her own eyes water seeing him so upset. Daryl sucked in a breath before he spoke again.
"I can't lose you."
Carol gaped at him. She had not expected him to say that. Anything like that. She had been waiting for the moment he told her he was done dealing with her shit. Now, unbelievably, she realised that it was not the case. He still wanted her around. It was like a great weight lifted from her heart at the knowledge. She had been so sure she had lost him for good.
Carol was unable to stop her tears now. They flowed freely down her cheeks and obscured her vision. Daryl looked alarmed by her sudden burst of emotion. He leaned towards her, as if he wanted to reach out to her. He didn't though.
She knew she had to reassure him. To let him know she wasn't going to try to kill herself again. She couldn't. Not now that she knew he still wanted her to be here.
"You won't lose me," she spoke in her tearful voice.
Daryl seemed to be hanging onto her every word.
"I won't try again. I'll stay… For you," she continued, adding on the last part as an afterthought. He should know that was the reason.
The relief in his eyes was immense and he let out a choked breath. Then he was pulling her to him, in a hug that felt like it was knitting her together again. Carol buried her head in his shoulder, breathing in the scent of the plain, generic soap that most people used in Alexandria. His hand started massaging into her loose curls.
"I need your help," she murmured against him, feeling relief at finally admitting it. "Will you help me?"
She was amazed that she had managed to utter the words. She had been running away from him for so long. But she was tired of running and she knew now that it wouldn't help anything. Daryl didn't stop his hand's motion on the back of her head as he replied.
"I'll help ya," he agreed softly in her ear. "Jus' tell me what you need."
Carol frowned at his response.
What did she need?
She wasn't sure if she knew really.
She pulled away from the hug to face him again. Their positions were much closer now and it seemed like the rift that had existed between them had evaporated. Daryl's face held infinite patience as he waited for her answer.
"I don't think I trust myself anymore. To make the right decisions, I mean," Carol admitted shamefully. "I feel like I'm crazy sometimes. I… See things."
Daryl's eyes held no judgement as her words continued to tumble out. Carol bit her lip before continuing.
"I think, if I knew you were there beside me, supporting me, it would help to quiet the voices I hear. The ghost's I see."
Daryl didn't hesitate to start nodding.
"I'll always be there for ya. Long as ya want me."
Carol's stomach jittered at that.
"I don't know how long that will be. Might be a long time," she felt she needed to warn him.
He didn't seem deterred at all.
"Don't matter to me. Told ya, I ain't going nowhere. Been tryin' to tell ya that all along. Ya just weren't listenin'," he said with a hint of frustration.
Carol could see that now. Not just these past few months but going back years. After Terminus and before they reached Alexandria. He'd been reaching out to her, offering to take on her pain. She just wouldn't let him.
"I know. I'm sorry. I just get so stuck in my head. It's hard to think about what's real and what's my own insecurities and fears," she told him.
Daryl hummed and chewed his lip.
"If you really want my help, I think you can't keep hiding shit anymore. You told me a long time ago, after Terminus, that ya didn't wanna talk about it," he said and there was a lot of hesitation in his eyes as he spoke. Like he was worried about her reaction.
"I think you gotta," he finished, watching her, those nerves still visible.
She sighed and looked skyward for a beat before looking at him again.
"You're right. I've been avoiding it for so long. Thinking that if I don't mention it, it will just go away. It hasn't. Every time something bad happens, it just piles up on top of the old pain."
Daryl nodded.
"You think it might help to talk about some of it?" he asked with an unsure look.
Carol shrugged non-committedly. She had no idea. She'd never tried it.
"I don't know, all I do know is that it will hurt like hell."
Daryl eyed her before he reached out and took her hand in his. He squeezed it gently.
"We don't gotta do it all in one go. We can go bit by bit and if ya gotta stop, we'll stop."
Carol was filled with relief at that, feeling like some of the pressure had disappeared. She squeezed his hand back, smiling at him weakly.
"Thank you."
He nodded his head slowly. She focused on his hand to give her the strength she needed to make this step.
"I've been thinking more and more about those old days lately. It's like my subconscious has been trying to get me to face what happened," she started, thinking about the mocking she had endured from her mind, manifesting as Alpha.
"H… Henry's death brought up a lot for me. Before him, I avoided kids like the plague. It took so long to let my walls down. Because of what happened… Because of what happened with Lizzie and Mika."
She paused to catch her breath.
Her heart had begun to beat rapidly. Flashes of images flew behind her eyes. Blood dripping from a knife. A little girl sobbing in front of a patch of wildflowers. The burst of red after the loud bang of the gun.
She flinched.
Daryl sat, still holding her hand. He had started rubbing circles over it with his thumb. His face looked open, ready to hear whatever she had to say. God, she hoped he was ready. It was so fucked up.
"Lizzie ki…" she broke off to take a deep breath. Her eyes were filled with tears now. She could barely see Daryl properly. "Lizzie killed Mika."
Carol didn't miss the shock that took over his face. She could see the questions begin to whir in his mind.
"There was something wrong with her. It hadn't been as bad at the prison, but it was still there," she tried to explain for him. She hadn't understood how bad it was until it was too late.
Daryl was completely hooked on her words. His eyes stayed intent on her face.
"You remember those dissected rats Tyreese found in the tombs? That was her."
Daryl's eyes filled with recognition after a moment.
"Damn," he muttered, not seeming to have meant to say it aloud.
Carol nodded in agreement.
"Yeah… She didn't understand walkers. She thought they were still people, just different. I caught her one day, playing with one."
Daryl blinked at that and frowned. She knew he must be as baffled as she had been when she had seen it herself.
"When I killed it, she lost it. She even pointed her gun at me. More signs of how not right things were in her head."
Carol looked down to needlessly examine her fingers entwined in Daryl's. She knew she needed to keep going but it was so hard! She hadn't thought about these things in years for a good reason.
"One day, Tyreese and I went out to hunt. The girls had their guns and knives and we had a perimeter set up. We wouldn't be gone long, so we trusted that they'd be okay."
She shook her head, thinking about the moment they had returned.
Blood dripped from the tip of the knife.
She flinched again, the image fading.
Daryl gave her hand another squeeze, making her look at him once more. He gave her what she interpreted as an encouraging look. She managed a tiny smile for him. She knew it had been a pathetic attempt. Her smile quickly dropped.
"Tyreese and I got back to the house we were staying in. The first thing I saw was Lizzie's knife. It was covered in blood," she gave a bitter laugh. "At first I thought it was from a walker. That she'd finally figured it out. I should have known. Walker blood doesn't look like that," she finished with a frown.
"Then, I saw things clearer. Behind her was Mika's body with an obvious stab wound," her vision blurred with the tears that hadn't fallen. "Lizzie didn't want us to put Mika down. She wanted her to turn."
Carol paused.
"She was going to do the same to Judith next," she added, trying to give context to graveness of the situation.
Daryl flinched at that. She knew how much Judith meant to him and clearly, the thought of such a thing was horrific enough for Daryl.
"We were able to get Judith away from her and I convinced her that we'd wait for Mika to turn. She believed me," Carol said in a muted tone. Her tears had finally spilled over, trailing down her cheeks.
"Tyreese and I tried to come up with options. It was obvious that she couldn't be around people. That's when I knew what had to be done," Carol confessed darkly, sickness taking hold of her stomach.
"I knew Tyreese would never be able to do it," she said then, thinking of how traumatized the man had been after seeing Mika's body. He'd already been holding by a loose thread after the prison.
"So, it was down to me," she added gravely.
Daryl's hand tensed in hers. She knew that he knew what she was going to tell him. She also knew that she still needed to say it. It would never get better if she didn't.
"I took her with me to a nearby field. I told her we would pick some wildflowers for Mika. She believed me."
That was part of what made things worse. That she had manipulated this girl in the moments leading up to her death. Made her believe that everything was okay. Maybe it was a kindness. So, that she didn't know what was coming. It still made her guilt worse.
"I couldn't stop from crying, knowing what I had to do. She thought I was mad at her for pointing her gun at me!"
She shook her head, remembering the incredulity she'd felt at it. It just didn't click in the girl's mind why else she could be upset.
"At the prison, her father and Mika used to tell her to 'Look at the flowers' whenever she was panicking. I told her to do the same. Her back was to me. I… I counted to three and then I... I shot her in the back of the head!" the last came out in a wail as she slumped over her knees. She tried pressing herself into them as far as she was able, while she sobbed.
She heard Daryl sigh before she felt his arms cradle her body. She moved her limbs so she could rest more comfortably against him and buried her face in his chest. His hand moved up and down on her back. Carol pressed herself to him as tightly as she could, trying to use his strength to hold herself together. When it didn't work, she cried harder, her hands clutching at his back.
They stayed like that for what felt like hours. Her crying her heart out and Daryl holding her and murmuring to her softly in an unintelligible voice. When her tears finally ebbed and she felt like she wouldn't fall apart anymore, she pulled away from him. She didn't go far. Her hands stayed on his back, not wanting to let go of him. He didn't complain.
She was surprised to find that, when she took stock of how she felt, she felt… Lighter. Better. Honestly, she felt better than she had in months. Daryl had been right. She had needed to talk about this stuff. The pain wasn't gone. It was still there just below the surface. But it almost seemed like she had just chipped off a big chunk of it.
"I'm so sorry you had to do that," Daryl said with a pained look. He moved his hand to her face and wiped at her tears.
"Thank you," she answered. She wasn't just thanking him for his apology and empathy, but also for his lack of judgement. His forgiveness.
"'Course."
"Not just for that. I mean for making me talk. You were right, I do feel a little better," she elaborated with smile.
Daryl's face brightened a little at that.
"I'm glad," he told her with a lift to his lips.
"Maybe we can make this a regular thing?" Carol suggested hesitantly, worrying her lip.
She knew he had told her that he'd be there for her, but after what she had just revealed, she wouldn't begrudge him if he changed his mind. Daryl quickly settled her worries as he nodded his head enthusiastically.
"We can do that."
Carol smiled at him in relief. She hesitated before she spoke once more. Her voice shook a little.
"Will you… Could we…" she tried a few times before shaking her head. "Could you hold me again?" she finally asked, wanting to feel the safety of his arms again. She had been so sure she'd never experience it ever again only hours ago.
Daryl gave her a smile.
"C'mere," he ordered before pulling her back into his hold.
Carol breathed him in once more, happily. She tucked her head under his chin.
Finally, she felt that things were going to be okay.
Well, there you have it.
I really hope you liked this.