Todoroki continued to plod towards his bedroom with his gaze frozen in place.
"Remember when I was walking out of our bedroom after taking a bath, and you smeared frosting across my lips before kissing me? You told me never to frost myself with lies because the original dessert can't get any sweeter or look any tastier than it already is—enticing and sweet as the frosting might be, it's overall just unhealthy. It was so out of the blue and a little cheesy, but overall…so sweet. You smiled through everything. I couldn't help but smile as well, but I didn't realize I was smiling until you pointed it out. Katsuki, you even got me to blush."
"Shoto, I can help you through to a time when you don't have to be weighed down by everything you're going through. I just want to help. You know that."
"I know…"
He winced as he clasped onto the creaky handle of the door to his room; a hand swiftly coiled around his wrist, but he didn't dare glance over his shoulder.
"Remember when I carried you on my back to bed? We both put our hands on the door handle. You told me to open it, and I told you to open it. I think we both ended up opening the door together. It was like we were guiding ourselves to our future together. Then, as always, you kissed me and reminded me that you'd be right there for me when I woke up, and that if I ever needed you in the middle of the night, then to just slap your ass awake."
"I won't let you keep suffering. Stop, dammit… Shoto, look at me. I can give you anything ya want from me. You don't have to keep walking through this alone. I thought you wanted to do this together. Yer goin' the wrong way. Join me, Shoto. Don't you dare try to do this all alone. I promise I'll make it okay. I'll make it perfect for you. Don't…"
Todoroki grimaced as his quivering hand struggled to open the door to his room.
"Remember when our dog died? I didn't know how to feel. I didn't believe it at first. I didn't really feel anything. Then again, I didn't want to feel anything. The most painful things somehow hurt the least but leave the largest scars that itch every now and again and never fade. But you told me to take some time and let myself grieve a bit. Well, even now, I've ignored what you said because I didn't feel like being sad again. Everything feels numb. Whether that is the reason why or proves not to be the reason why I feel this way, I still shouldn't have brushed off what you told me."
"I want to… I want to walk with you forever. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to do this without you. I want it to be okay again. But I can't… I can't let myself have that yet."
The grip around his wrist caused the door itself to quake slightly.
"You remember, right?"
"Shoto, why do you want to hurt yourself like this so much? Stop… I don't want to see you in so much fucking pain. I don't want to see you with those empty eyes. I don't want to see you breaking because of your mind. Shoto…"
"No, I don't remember…"
"Because I can make it okay again. You can't… You just can't. Not in the way I want. It doesn't work like that."
"You…remember me, don't you? Shoto? Your husband?"
Todoroki pressed his shoulder into the door as his body was pried back by the hands holding him fast.
"You're my husband?"
"Shoto, it's just gonna get worse. Please don't fucking walk away. I can make it okay. More okay than anything you're thinking. The things you think will make you okay won't make you okay at all. Shoto, I—"
"Hello? Yes, this is Shoto Todoroki. Oh. He… Thanks for everything. Bye. Why…am I not sad? My chest throbs, but my heart feels so empty. Why? What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm still in shock. I'll feel something later, right?"
Todoroki ripped back the hand clutching his wrist before slamming the door open.
"Katsuki…do you remember me now?"
Gritting his teeth, Todoroki spat, "I have to remind myself to forget what we were so I don't forget what we are. Katsuki… If I looked back, I know I'd fall apart."
"I hope you do…"
"Shoto! Don't do this! Stop!"
"Wherever you are…"
Todoroki tore himself free of the web of limbs strangling his body as he slipped into his bedroom and rammed the door back into place.
"I won't forget you."
"You died a month ago because of something neither of us could control…and it's all been so numb. I can't even express the twinges of emotion I do sometimes manage to feel. I haven't cried in so long. I haven't felt sad in a long time. Everything feels like it's whisked out like a candle the moment it's brought to life. All I have is the ashes of what should've been. I don't know if I'd rather be in as much pain as I was before when it felt like my heart was as fragile as glass, or if I'd rather be perpetually numb like this. When it hurts, I want to be numb, and when I'm numb, I just want to feel something again. You were the point I had between those two states. Now…"
"'Live, and don't look back,' you told me, even though you couldn't remember who I was."
"If I looked back, it would all catch up to me. The memories would crush me. They'd strangle me and drag me down, even if they're all so beautiful. I'm not ready to remember the good times yet… Until I can get through this, my memories of you are just going to kill me. Remembering everything that we can't be anymore… Remembering how much better it all was with you here… Remembering those happy memories that I'll never experience ever again… If I'd looked back before getting in here, that would have been it. Yes, all the pain would've been gone, but…"
"I will…"
"I have to get through this…even if I don't have you or the dog here anymore. Even if it's all gone…"
A knock resounded through Todoroki's skull from the door.
"OI!"
"I don't want to—I want to collapse into the void in my heart where you are."
"Even if it's torture…I'll keep my memories of you alive with me. Then, when I can look back through them again, I can fully appreciate them. I can laugh at them and smile at them again, right? Not right now, but one day… Then, when it's my time to see you again, I'll have only the best memories of you, Katsuki."
"Shoto!"
"I want to see you already. I want to be with you now. I don't want to feel this emptiness and this pain…"
Todoroki tucked his head into his knees. "But right now, I think I just need some time to grieve…"
A/N:
i might potentially add another chapter or so, but i would prefer to keep this close to the original—just these two chapters. so, who knows. time will tell.