A/N: Angsty non Rolivia smut ahead. You've been warned.
Alanis Morissette – Not As We
Emilie Nicolas – Feel Fine
Ruth B. – Mixed Signals
The evening news were on but it just sounded like random noise in her ears as she clung to her second glass of red wine. She had been trying to cut back lately, and as much as she craved that crimson liquid every night, she had been mostly successful at not giving in.
Tonight was an exception.
"I'm sorry, for the way I ended things. I think, underneath it all… I was afraid."
"What I wish I had… And what I wish we had… Is more time."
She was trying to process it. Trying to make sense of it all. But how could anyone make sense of something like this? She couldn't get over how in the midst of facing death, he still had his calm and stoic energy. Like nothing could tip him off his balance. Like he had already accepted his unjust fate.
Olivia was about to pour her third glass when a knock at the door interrupted her. She spent a few seconds considering if she should just ignore it.
One night without anyone needing me, that's all I want.
A moment later she moved towards the door with tired steps.
"Ed? Wh- What are you doing here?"
"Liv... I'm sorry. I... I didn't know where to go."
Olivia looked at him, studying the face she had known in so many different ways for so many years. Gone was the calm and stoic energy.
Ed Tucker looked terrified. And so lost.
"Come here." She didn't give herself time to think before she pulled him against her while closing the door behind them. Just like earlier that day, it felt right to be back in his arms. To feel his body against hers again, after all this time. Painful, but right.
It felt right, until he moved his head a little and his lips found her neck.
"Ed..." It was supposed to sound like a warning, but instead it came out as a breathy moan and she immediately closed her mouth, desperately fighting that familiar sense of safety that his embrace always provided.
This can't happen.
"I know..." He said against her skin and she had no idea what he meant by that.
She didn't move or say anything else. Just stood there and let him kiss her neck with his hands planted firmly on her waist. Her body did nothing to help her shut this down.
Her heart was racing and he must've felt it because his tongue and lips were currently working on her pulse point. She tried, but failed at stifling a short whimper. While her brain screamed at her to put an end to this, Olivia tilted her head to give him more room.
This is ok, right? Just two friends, former lovers, saying goodbye. It's completely normal to hold each other like this. It's not like he's touch-
"Shit..."
His hand found its way under her sweater and it was currently working its way up her stomach and over her breast. She pursed her lips and inhaled sharply through her nose as her knees buckled just a little.
"We... We can't."
But, dear god, I want to.
"I know." He breathed, almost groaned the words next to her ear and it was the last fateful straw.
She had broken many personal rules over the years, but never the one about not sleeping with married men. It wasn't that she had never been tempted. It was just too messy, too complicated. She had watched too many relationships, friendships and marriages fall apart because of a stupid mistake, one reckless night.
But then again, tonight was an exception. Wasn't it?
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss that went just a little too deep, just a little too fast.
Fuck it. Fuck all of it.
By the time they reached her bedroom, most of their clothes had been scattered along the way and somewhere in the back of her mind, she had already started to accept the regret she knew she would feel in less than twenty minutes.
Olivia threw her head back on the pillow, closed her eyes and bit down on her lip as he tugged at her underwear. He had seen her like this countless times before, but she had never felt as exposed as she did now.
He was the vulnerable one here, and yet it felt like he could destroy her completely with one simple touch.
Still, she did nothing to stop him when he lowered his head and his tongue came out to taste her. For a short moment they were back together, she never broke it off, everything was ok and he wasn't dying. Or married. She did nothing to stop him because it felt so fucking good and for a short moment she let herself believe that nothing had changed.
She was brought back to reality when he groaned against her.
No. No. It can't be like this. Panic struck and Olivia grabbed his shoulders, signaling with all of her that she needed him to move. "Come here."
Normally he would've protested, teased her, and she would've let him. But this wasn't like before. This wasn't like all of those times where he had made her beg for a release, both with her words and her body.
And maybe he felt the same way, because he didn't protest at all. He quickly moved himself up and over her body, positioning himself between her legs as she instinctively arched her back a little.
"Are you still on..."
Birth control. She wanted to laugh then. Or cry. She wasn't sure. It felt like such a trivial thing to worry about right now.
Her period had been gone for several months. At first she had blamed it on the stress of becoming captain while raising a kid as a single mother. But now, she was finally coming to terms with the fact that her body was going through that inevitable change that she had dreaded for years.
"That ship has sailed."
Olivia wasn't sure if he got the message or not, but seconds later she forgot all about the message herself when he started to fill her. Gradually, but definitely not hesitantly.
"Fuh-"
She had almost forgotten how good this felt. The somewhat painful intrusion that slowly turned into a sweet sensation.
Her walls clenched around him and she bit down on his shoulder to keep from crying out. It was wrong, so wrong. And she knew that. But she still wanted it.
Through the years, Olivia had mastered the art of denying herself so much, constantly sacrificing herself for the job, the people in her life that needed her, depended on her.
She had denied herself many things lately. Things she couldn't even admit to, because it was just too complicated. And maybe, on some twisted level she was just sacrificing herself for him right now. Giving in to a dying man.
But sacrifice or not, none of that really mattered when he started to push into her with more force.
I'm here. You're here. Right now, it's just us.
She clung to his back and buried her head in the crook of his neck. Willing herself to stay as quiet as possible, but it was becoming more and more challenging with every thrust.
He slowed down suddenly and leaned his forehead against hers, breathing heavily as he pulled out halfway before slowly sinking into her again.
"You ok?" Her anxious whisper was a stark contrast to the way she lifted her hips to meet him before failing again to stifle another moan.
"Yeah... I've missed this."
It was a gut punch.
He was a married man, and still he had missed this. Missed her.
He wasn't supposed to be saying these things, especially not while he was in her bed, naked, inside of her. But shit, she needed to hear it. If only for her own ego. For the fact that she had felt lonely for so long.
"Me too." She heard herself say as a tear rolled down her chin, not completely sure if she had missed him or just someone. Except, deep down she knew exactly what she had been missing. Something she had never even had.
I can't do this.
That part of her that dreaded the inevitable abandonment wanted to yell at him for dying. It didn't matter that it was completely irrational, and selfish.
That part of her that was overwhelmed by the things she was feeling wanted to tell him to just fuck her. Tell him to hurt her body to distract her from the pain in her soul. Olivia knew he had it in him. She'd had the bite marks and the bruises to prove it.
But she found herself too emotional to speak. So, Olivia gave him a push and flipped them over so that she was sitting on top of him. She wanted to hold onto his chest like she normally would, but she grabbed the headboard instead and wasted no time before she started to rock her hips against him.
Faster. Harder.
She was grateful for the way his strong hands grabbed her hips. How his fingers painfully bore into her burning skin, surely leaving marks that would serve as a painful reminder of this heartbreaking and necessary mistake.
It had to be like this. It couldn't be any different because it would break her.
It reminded her of their first time. A drunken, unexpected and unforeseen moment that had surprised both of them. Him more than her, probably. One minute they had been sitting in a bar, casually sipping bourbon, the next his head had been between her legs while her back was pressed against the wall in his living room. And it had ended just like this. Her on top of him. Olivia Benson, always in control, even when she wasn't.
She recognized the way he sounded beneath her and the way his hips jerked, so she moved one hand down her stomach until her fingers found what they were searching for. That part usually belonged to him, but tonight she needed to be the one to finish this.
The headboard rattled from their frantic movements and as hard as she tried, she couldn't stop the cries that left her when her walls tightened around him and she could feel his release inside of her.
Out of breath and still shaking from the climax, she rested her forehead on her arm as he started to come down from the high.
And there it was.
Regret. Guilt. Shame.
His hands moved up and down her slightly trembling thighs and what had once been a soothing motion she normally appreciated, now left her feeling filthy. She had invited a married, dying man into her bed, and for what? Guilt because she broke it off? Needing to feel less lonely? Wanting someone?
Someone that isn't even him.
"Are you... Are you ok?" He asked when she eventually lifted herself up and lied down next to him, her chest rising and falling in a fast and somewhat uneven rhythm.
"Yeah... Yeah, I'm good."
They stayed like that for a while, both staring at the ceiling without knowing what to say.
She wanted him to stay, and she wanted to be alone. She wanted to wrap her entire body around him and beg him to not become one of the many people who had left her. She wanted to physically push him away and spend the rest of the night in the shower, scrubbing her body raw in an attempt to get rid of the guilt.
She wasn't mad at him for showing up like this. But she hated herself for letting him.
Without warning, he turned on his side and moved to hover over her. "I would've married you, you know."
She swallowed the lump in her throat and silently prayed that he would just stop talking. "I know."
He leaned in, kissed her gently on the forehead and whispered "I love you. Always will."
And that was the last thing Ed Tucker did before he climbed out of her bed and walked out of her life.
She didn't know when, but at some point while telling Amanda what had happened, she had rested her hand on her belly.
There's no bump yet. And there doesn't have to be.
"So… There you have it."
She struggled to read Amanda's reaction and for a second it felt like the blonde was looking at her like she had cheated, on her.
And for some reason she was too distressed to make sense of, it kind of felt like she had.
"Please say something."
"Sorry, I just… Sorry." Amanda shook her head and momentarily closed her eyes.
It had hurt more than she expected. Obviously she had no right to dictate who Olivia could and could not sleep with. Obviously she didn't even have a right to be jealous. But she was, and hearing the whole story made her regret asking about it in the first place.
"It's ok. You can't judge me anymore than I already judge myself." Olivia said, interrupting Amanda's chaotic thoughts.
"It's not that, Liv. Not at all."
"Then why does it look like I just stabbed you?"
Because you kinda just did.
"I'm just…" She bit her lip and searched her brain for a way out of the mess that felt like it was just piling up right in front of her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm so sorry you lost him like that."
She expected Olivia to be on brand and respond with a "It's fine. I'm fine." So she was definitely not prepared when the brunette suddenly broke down crying in front of her.
"Ok, ok, Liv, come here." Amanda pulled her into her arms and held her tight, and while the brunette cried against her shoulder, her eyes wandered desperately around the apartment like someone would just magically appear with a manual named "What To Do When Olivia Benson Is Actually Not Fine."
She settled for a simple "I'm here" when the much needed magic manual didn't appear. "I'm here. You're not alone."
Fuck, this hurts.
She didn't care that it was Tucker. Or the fact that he had been a married man. None of that mattered right now. Not when her walls were crumbling all at once and she was left with one single truth that she had spent so many years fighting.
She was in love. In love with her colleague, her friend, her captain. Insanely, madly and utterly in love with Oliva.
A/N: Like Liv said: There you have it.