Chapter 2: Boys, Crabs and Paellas

The morning after arriving at Cape April, I woke up significantly sooner than I wanted. The more time spent awake the more time conscious in this place, and I was planning on avoiding that as much as possible.

However, I decided that, since I was already up, the most sensible thing to do was get out of bed and make breakfast for my loving family. Once I was in the kitchen, though, I saw that the only breakfast foods Carol had brought were those Little Debbie zebra cakes that Finn insisted on having every morning since they "kept his inner child alive". I personally thought that if he kept eating them every day he would not make it past the age of forty.

Alas, I chose to, instead, go to the supermarket we had passed the previous day that was a couple of streets away.

I went upstairs to change, but was faced with a dilemma: what should one wear when they are on vacation in a beach town in New Jersey? Did the locals walk around shirtless and in swim trunks like those movies about surfers in California? It was my goal to blend in with the population of Cape May, since the idea of people thinking that I was a tourist, especially an Ohian, was most unpleasant.

After giving my outfit much thought and deciding that I should leave my poncho for a more festive occasion, I ended up putting on a pair of jean shorts, a Ralph Lauren (yes, thrifted) white polo shirt and my red converse. Giving very much American-flag chic.

As I left the house and headed to the supermarket, I noticed that the people of Cape May were early risers, a detail which I found most concerning: going to the beach with your family before nine in the morning told me things about you that were most certainly not positive. Despite my seemingly negative attitude, however, I will ashamedly admit that I thought the town was really cute: the Victorian architecture was absolutely stunning and the fact that I walked past a row of houses painted in bright (bright, bright) colors was quite amusing. I could not wait to take a bunch of pictures, my Instagram followers would be oh so jealous of me. And, the townspeople seemed to actually be happy, which was a change from the inhabitants of the dump that is Lima, Ohio, who were always sulking about.

I was so deep in thought that I walked past the supermarket, and had to embarrassedly turn around quickly and hurriedly walk into the store, hoping that no onlooker had seen my slip-up. With my newfound alertness, I started planning what we could eat for breakfast, my mind was so full of ideas! Blueberry pancakes, cinnamon rolls, these insanely fancy smoothie bowls that I only saw in YouTube videos and at Rachel's house whenever I slept over…

These ideas, though, all had one common denominator that made me not want to go through with them: they took way too long to make, and cooking while on holidays took up a little too much brain power.

So, in the end, I bought a box of Cheerios and already-cut-up fruit. At least I was being healthy, so B+ for that one.

As I walked through the house door with my shopping bag in hand, I greeted my family: 'What a pleasure it is to wake up to such a splendid morning, isn't it, my dear family? And what a pleasure it is to have such a wonderful son that will go out to fetch a plentiful and nourishing breakfast that will feed and keep our stomachs happy and our brains working!' I gloated, barely even looking at what they were doing. I was somewhat disappointed to find out that Finn was already munching on his zebra cakes, and that Dad was looking at him expectantly, as if hoping that he would offer him some.

'Kurt, you are a gem!' Carol, on the other hand, was eyeing the cereal hungrily, and I offered her the bag, which she accepted eagerly and started preparing breakfast for the both of us.

'By the way, we have rented the kayaks at ten, so we should get a move on when we finish breakfast.'

'Oh, and make sure you bring enough sunscreen, Kurt, we wouldn't want your precious skin to get damaged.' Said Finn, mockingly.

'Now, why are you saying this as if you don't have practically the exact same skin tone as me?' I asked him quizzically, but he just mumbled something underneath his breath and left to get ready.

I followed suit, and was once again faced with another fashion-related dilemma: which of the two swim trunks should I wear? I ultimately decided that, even though the one with the small anchors was cute enough, I did not want to blend in with the rest of the house too much, so I went for the blue ones with Hawaiian floral print, to match my stunning, out-of-this-world, sapphire eyes.

Once we had all gotten ready and were waiting for Finn to finish doing his business in the bathroom, I offered to put sunscreen on Dad's very bald head, since he had forgotten more than once, resulting in his head looking like a red bowling ball. Not nice.

'Guys, I'm done!' Finn looked oddly proud of himself.

'Do you want us to congratulate you and give you a pat on the back for peeing, Finn?'

'Okay Kurt, Finn, how about if we get going?' You could tell Carol was so done with us.

So, we made our way to the beach, and I actually got Finn to take those pictures of me in front of the houses for my Instagram. He was quite a good photographer, I would give him that. Our photography session, however, was cut short because kayaking was the top priority in Dad and Carol's minds.

When we got to the beach, my vision was filled with one, singular, horrible thing: children. Lots of them. They were engaging in all sorts of activities, such as playing ball, making sand castles and eating said sand castles. I was thoroughly disgusted by their childish behavior.

Thankfully, we didn't have much to contemplate the children's strange ways of entertainment, since we had to go all the way to the other side of the beach, where the kayaks were awaiting us. As we were walking there, though, Finn kept asking me stupid questions.

'Dude, have you seen that chick over there with the pink bikini?'

'Dude, what about that one on the towel next to her?'

'Dude, what do you think about the girl with the blonde hair and the red swimsuit?'

'I am a homosexual, Finn.'

He looked at me with that look that straight people give you when you remind them that you are gay, but at least I got him to shut up for the rest of the walk. His continuous ogling didn't go past me, though, and I was starting to worry if this obsession was common among the rest of the straight male teenage population.

When we finally got to the kayak renting place, I had to eat my words about not looking appreciatively at other people, because the guy that was there was, well, really hot.

'Good morning! We have rented two kayaks at ten under the name of Burt Hummel.'

Kayak boy opened his enormous mouth to say something, but I could only focus on his exquisite abs.

'Hi! Yeah, just let me get them for you guys. Is it your first time kayaking?'

'Is it that obvious?' Why, oh why did Dad have to ask such an awkward question?

'Not at all! It's just a mandatory question.' God bless kayak boy.

'Oh. Well, could you give us a quick rundown of what we're supposed to do? We're new to all of this.'

'Yeah, sure, so here's what you're gonna do once I get you in the water (...)' I completely tuned out everything that he was saying, which, in prospect, was not the best idea, but I guessed there weren't many secrets to kayaking. Plus, the conversation between Dad and Blond Justin Bieber was kind of painful to witness, on top of just plain boring.

'So, are y'all ready to get kayaking?' Trying to get us pumped, kayak boy?

'Oh yeah!'

'Woo hoo'

Carol and Finn were the only ones who decided to humor him, while Dad and I gave him a somewhat awkward smile and a thumbs up.

'By the way, my name's Sam, if you need anything when you come back or want to rent a couple of kayaks again, don't hesitate to ask for me!' With that, we proceeded to go through the insanely painful process of getting into the two-seat kayaks and being brought to the water.

When were finally in the sea, I turned to Finn, whom I was in the kayak with, to ask:

'So, what are we supposed to do? And for how long?'

'Did you not listen to anything Sam said?'

'No, I was too busy staring at his torso, Finn.'

'I can't believe you. We're just supposed to paddle coordinately and hope that we neither bump against Burt and Carol nor accidentally flip the kayak over. Oh, and we have rented these for an hour.'

'Oh. Are we just gonna frolick about in the water for sixty minutes?'

'Exactly!'

'In that case, I suggest we play a game called "What do you think are people in Ohio are doing while we're kayaking in the Atlantic Ocean?", that way we'll keep ourselves entertained.'

'Cool, I'll start: is probably planning what hip hop number we're going to do next year where he'll rap.'

'Ha! That or he's thirsting after even though she's married to that dentist. Who is much better looking than him.'

'I think that Puck is either on his quest to see how many hookups he can get this summer or on his way to juvenile detention.'

'Rachel is probably preparing her mandatory, mid-morning vegan and keto protein smoothie that she just can't function without.'

We continued with this for a while, even if we weren't being too nice to our own friends. After that, we played a game of "How many people do you think have pissed in the same waters we are now floating on?" and thanked God that we hadn't seen any tampons floating around in the ocean.

When we only had about ten minutes left, we suddenly heard two yelps coming from Dad and Carol's direction and, when we turned our heads, we saw that yes, they had indeed flipped their kayak over and were now screeching for help. The sight of Dad falling off a kayak was one that I would never forget. Of course, we did not go over to help them, but decided that laughing at them and yelling helpless instructions on how to get back on the kayak was a better idea.

Eventually, they managed to get back on and, since the whole maneuver had taken over ten minutes, we had to speed-paddle our way to the shore, arriving just on time to deliver the kayaks back to the kayak guardian, Sam. We paid for the wonderful service and decided that we would stay at the beach until lunchtime.

The second we sat down on the sunbeds, Finn ran off with the excuse that he had to "stretch his legs", but I could see him making a beeline for some innocent girl a few feet away from us.

I took out my book, and decided to read for the remaining time, truly feeling like an intellectual. I also took out my earphones, to tune out the sound of the annoying people at the beach.

After a while, though, I began to grow hungry: my stomach was begging for ice cream, and who was I to say no to it? I informed Dad and Carol about my expedition to the ice cream stand we had seen when arriving at the beach, and I proceeded to walk over there, under the scorching hot sun.

It was quite the accomplishment that I made it to the ice cream stand alive, although I feared for my appearance: there was something downright scary about a sweaty and starving teenager.

The guy at the ice cream stand looked like 2014 Tyler Oakley, which was a bit off-putting. I also began to ask myself why everyone in this town who worked at any beach service was a literal teenager.

'Hi, can I help you?'

'Hi! Um...yeah, can I have a chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream?'

'Coming up! What's your name, by the way?' His eyes were literally sparkling, and he was freaking me out.

'Thormund.' I decided to give out a fake name to be on the safe side, because he looked a little bit creepy.

'That's a really...unique name. Are you new in town, Thormund? I haven't seen you around.' Why was this guy flirting with me even though I told him my name was Thormund?

'Uh, actually, I'm here on vacation with my family for the next month.'

'That's rad! Here's your ice cream, Thormund, hope I see you around.' He winked at me and gave me my ice cream.

'Let's hope so!' I paid for my ice cream and quickly made my way back to the sunbeds to calmly eat my ice cream and process the strange exchange. I had never expected to be flirted with while buying a chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and, to be completely honest, I was not looking forward to being forced to watch out for him for the rest of the trip. If I was lucky, he did this with all his customers, in an attempt to pull in more. If that was the case, I assumed he was not being too successful.

As I was eating my ice cream, I saw Finn running up to me, looking insanely excited.

'Kurt! Guess what?'

'What, Finn?'

'I caught a crab!' He then held up a crab, to show it to me. I didn't know if I should be impressed by his ability to catch a crab or disgusted because, well, my stepbrother was holding a crab scarily close to my esteemed ice cream.

'That is fantastic, Finn, good job! But get that thing away from me before it jumps on me, or worse, my ice cream. Oh, and you should probably return it to the sea, it is very unethical to separate animals from their natural habitat.'

'What are you talking about, "separating animals from their natural habitat"? Weren't you the person who literally decided that we would eat paella for lunch today?' Instead of swallowing my pride and admitting that he was right, I just turned around and returned to eating and reading my book in peace.

He ended up returning the crab to the sea, came back to sit on the sunbed next to mine, and started telling me about how he had planned on going to flirt with the girl he had seen before, but had then remembered that he actually did have a girlfriend and, ashamedly, decided to go to the shore to catch crabs.

I looked at him in disbelief because, seriously, why did he keep forgetting that Rachel did, in fact, exist?

'Well, I also have a story about flirtation, except that I was the one being flirted with.'

'Dude, seriously? You're kidding, right?'

'The fact that you're so surprised honestly offends me, but yes, when I went to buy the ice cream. Try to act naturally if some Tyler Oakley wannabe comes up to us and calls me by the name of "Thormund"'. Finn looked at me incredulously, but didn't make any further inquiries.

We sat in silence for a while, but eventually Finn's stomach started rumbling (or actually, it sounded as if it was going to explode).

'Tell your stomach I say hello.'

'Can we go to eat, please, please, please? I'm starving.'

'Sure. Let me just get my things and tell Dad and Carol that we're leaving. I think they're going to go somewhere else, since seafood freaks Dad out.'

Once we had told our parents about our lunch plans, we made our way to the restaurant, the idea of going to a place called "José Paella" seemed suspicious, and we couldn't wait to eat the paellas made by this José man.

The best part of the restaurant, when we arrived, was the giant prawn that was next to the door, holding the menu up in different languages, although I doubted there were any tourists here that didn't come from the midwest.

'Do you think we can order in Spanish?'

'I honestly don't think that our Spanish is good enough to even talk about the weather.' I wasn't lying: 's abilities as a Spanish teacher were really not good.

'Okay, fair enough. Do you think that the seafood on the rice is already peeled?'

'You're not a child, Finn.'

It took us way too long to decide what to order, but when we finally decided what we were going to have, Finn told me that he was going to try to speak Spanish, "to practice".

'Hello, what will you be having today?' Asked the server.

'Hola, nosotros will have the paella marinera for dos.' Answered Finn.

'Sorry, I don't speak Spanish. In fact, this restaurant was founded by a family from Maryland. What will you be having to drink?' Well, that was disappointing.

'Water is fine, thanks.'

The food came quickly after, and the paella tasted exactly like you'd imagine it would taste coming from people who came from freaking Maryland.

After we finished our lunch, paid the bill and wrote a semi-negative review about the restaurant on Google Eats, we started walking back home, since the day had been exhausting so far.

We did get lost a couple of times while trying to go to the house, but when we finally arrived and went in, we saw that Dad and Carol had had the same idea as us: return to the house and take a much-needed nap.

Can you tell that we were not very active people considering that we were on the verge of death from simply going to the beach and eating?

After sleeping for way too long, I woke up to Finn yelling in my ear:

'Dude, I looked up the town's Instagram page.'

'You did what, now, Finn?'

'Okay, fine, but I saw that there's this fair that's next to the beach and it looks like a lot of fun! You have ten minutes to get ready, starting now.' He looked dead serious, but I ignored him completely and took a long shower, got dressed and did my hair in over forty minutes, just to spite him.

'Burt, Mom, we're going to the fair that's just a few blocks away from here! See you later.' Finn seemed really eager to go to this fair.

'That is fantastic! We'll probably join you later. Maybe I'll get Burt to win me a stuffed animal.' The idea of Dad displaying romantic affection in the way that middle schoolers do was not one I wanted to entertain too much. He really was not the type of person who threw darts to win dog plushies.

Nevertheless, Finn and I started making our way to the fair, and we managed to not get lost once. While we were walking there, Finn kept talking about the amount of games that he was going to play, the amount of prizes that he was going to win and the amount of cotton candy that he was going to eat.

'To be honest, I've never really liked fairs that much: when I was a kid I only cared about the candy apples and the corndogs. I was too fancy to want toys from the fair.'

'Your childhood self sounds exhausting and boring, Kurt.' I glared at him. It was not my fault he lacked class and elegance.

As I was about to answer with a witty remark, we arrived at the fair and Finn proceeded to straight up run to the first attraction he saw. Tiredly, I followed him to wait in line for the Ferris wheel.

'People might think we're a couple if we go together.'

'People will think no such thing, Finn, you are the most heterosexual-looking person I have ever met.'

We got on the Ferris Wheel and, from the top, were able to admire the view of Cape May from the sky. Although, once we were at the top, I was scared that we would a) get stuck or b) a bird would come and rest on our heads.

In the end, no such things happened, and, dare I say it, I quite enjoyed the ride, even if there was a couple in front of us who didn't stop smooching throughout the entire ride.

'That was totally awesome, we should get on again, Kurt!'

'No.'

'How about if we go get something to eat?'

'I like that idea better.' So, we went to get corn dogs and fries from a nearby stand. They were absolutely delicious.

In theory, nothing could go wrong when one is eating greasy fair food while walking around in an inoffensive fair, but oh boy was I known for having the worst luck ever.

Now, you may be asking yourself, Kurt, what are you talking about?

'Hey, Thormund! Fancy seeing you here.'

The battle between doing the mature thing and simply running away had never been so difficult.