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I woke up later that night. Ivy wasn't laying next to me anymore. I sat up and stretched my arms. that ended up being a bad idea because that caused some of my cuts to open.
'god damn it!' I thought
I got up and went into the bathroom. I rolled up my sleeve and took off the bandages on my right arm. I saw the long cut and two of my smaller cuts were open. I pressed toilet paper against my arm in attempts to stop the bleeding. eventually it stopped. I cleaned myself up and headed downstairs.
I was still groggy since I had just woken up and I lost my footing causing me to trip down the stairs. Ivy and Barbara ran to my aid.
"are you ok, Harley?" Ivy asked
all I could think was 'what's wrong with me? I can't do anything right.'
my blood was boiling. it doesn't take much since I have severe anger problems but I kept my cool and didn't break anything. I'll take it out on myself later.
I took a deep breath and said "I'm fine"
"be more careful, Harley. you could've hurt yourself" Barbara said
I stood up but pain shot through my ankle. I cried in pain.
"I'm not fine" I said
Barbara and Ivy both helped me to the couch. we looked at my ankle.
"it'll be fine by tomorrow" Barbara said
"I hope so" I said quietly
Ivy gave me a kiss and said "I'm sorry you got hurt. I hope it feels better soon"
"I'm so fucking stupid" I said with frustration
"don't say that!" Ivy said with a frown.
"your not stupid, Harley" Barbara said
"I feel like it" I claimed
"well, your not" Ivy said as she hugged me "I hate it when you say things like that"
"I love you" I said
after Ivy was done hugging me, I got up and limped into the kitchen. Ivy and Barbara followed me in there.
"are you hungry?" Ivy asked
"yeah" I said
"why don't you eat the breakfast I made for you earlier. I put it in the fridge" I said
"that sounds good" I said as I went to the fridge.
I grabbed the plate of food and put it in the microwave for a minute. I put the food on the dining room table. I sat down and started eating. Ivy and Barbara followed me in there too.
'why are they following me?' I asked myself 'i wanna be alone'
"aren't you guys supposed to be drinking or something?" I asked
they exchanged glances and Ivy said "ya know, I think your right"
they both went into the kitchen.
'I'm glad that worked' I thought
I finished eating and went back upstairs. i've been feeling rather anti-social since earlier. i laid in bed and watched tv for a bit.
'what a boring day' I thought
after a while, Poison Ivy came in and she was a little bit tipsy. she laid in bed with me and said "what are you doing?"
"watching tv" I said
she started kissing me with tongue. I kissed her back. she started lifting my shirt up and I stopped her.
she stopped kissing me and said "what's wrong?"
"I'll go down on you" I said "but I'm on my period"
"you were on your period last week" Ivy said "I know your lying"
'i don't know what to say' I thought 'i think I have to tell her the truth'
"I just don't want to take my shirt off is all" I said nonchalantly
"why?" Ivy asked "what are you hiding?"
I sat up and I rolled up my hoodie sleeves to reveal my bloody bandaged arms.
"oh my god, Harley" Ivy said with worry "what happened to you"
"I've been hurting myself" I admitted
"what! why would you do that, Harley?" Ivy asked as she wrapped her arms around me "aren't you happy here? I thought we were happy with our new life"
"I am happy" I said
"then what's wrong?" Ivy asked
I didn't answer.
"you have to talk to me, Harley or I can't help you" Ivy said sincerely
"I don't really wanna talk about it" I said quietly
"you can't just leave me clueless. I love you and I don't know what I would do without you" Ivy said
"maybe things would be better without me" I said
a tear ran down Ivy's face and she said "don't say that, Harley! this has to stop. please come talk to me next time you feel like hurting yourself"
"I'll try" I said quietly
I took my shirt off and started kissing her. she pushed me away and said "I'm not in the mood now"
"ok, I'm sorry" I apologized
"don't be sorry. you just scare me sometimes" Ivy said
"at least I'm not breaking stuff" I said quietly
"I could care less about that right now" Ivy said "I'm gonna go get Barbara. shes only done like one shot. she can clean up your arms properly."
"don't tell her, please!" I begged "this is private!"
"fine but tomorrow, I'm gonna clean up your arms" Ivy said "I don't want them getting infected"
"ok, that's fine" I said
Ivy didn't leave my side for the rest of the night. we laid in bed and watched tv as Ivy gave me comfort.
I don't know if Ivy realizes that this is the way that I'm comfortable dealing with my anger. I'm not gonna cut too deep and bleed out if that's what she's worried about. I know what I'm doing.
eventually, I fell asleep. the next day, I woke up and Ivy was still cuddled up next to me. she was still sleeping.
i got up and felt slightly dizzy. it passed quickly. I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I wasn't feeling good about today due to last night's events. my anxiety was getting to me. I took a long shower and then I got dressed. when I went back to my bedroom, Ivy was still sleeping. she looked cute.
I looked at the clock and it read one o'clock.
'I've been sleeping in a lot lately' I thought
I went downstairs and saw Barbara was still asleep too. I quietly made a bowl of Ramon. while I was eating at the dining room table, Ivy came down and she looked a little worried.
"oh, there you are" Ivy said as she gave me a kiss.
"I'm eating Ramon" I said cheerfully
"I see that" Ivy said "how are you feeling?"
"I feel ok" I said with less cheer
I finished eating and i put my bowl in the sink.
"do you wanna come upstairs so I can clean your arms" Ivy said, obviously uncomfortable with the situation.
"yeah, I guess" I said with uneasiness
I followed Ivy upstairs and into the bathroom. I took off my hoodie and Ivy unwrapped my bandages.
once she saw all the damage, she hugged me. "I'm sorry that you feel like you need to hurt yourself and that you feel like you can't come talk to me about it"
"it's not like that, Ivy." I said
"it seems like that" Ivy said "Harley, I just wish you would tell me what's wrong at least."
"I'm angry" I said
"angry about what?" Ivy asked
"a lot of things" I said "I'm mostly mad at myself because I'm such a fuck up and I can't control my emotions"
"your not a fuck up. everyone makes mistakes sometimes" Ivy said supportively
"I really don't want to talk about it anymore" I said stubbornly
"ok" Ivy said as she cleaned my cuts. "I just love you more than anything. you know that, don't you?"
"I love you bunches too" I said sweetly
"I'm here for you when your ready to talk" Ivy said "I'm glad that you opened up to me a little bit"
after she cleaned up my cuts, we kissed. I feel bad for making Ivy worry but I'm sure we'll work on it.
"is your leg feeling better?" Ivy asked
"yeah" I said
"that's good" Ivy said as she held my hands "I don't like it when your in pain"
"I don't like it when you worry too much" I said as i removed my hands from her grasp.
"I have to" Ivy said
I didn't reply. I felt guilty for making her upset. it's my problem and I should deal with it alone. I impulsively scratched at my arm from my anxiety.
Ivy grabbed my hand and said "hey, none of that"
I looked down at my arm and saw that I drew blood. I grabbed some toilet paper and held it to the cut until it stopped bleeding.
"that's how cuts get infected, Harley" Ivy lectured "leave them alone"
"ok, I'm sorry" I said quietly "what are your plans for today?"
"I wanted to spend time with you" Ivy said
"well that's a weird coincidence because I wanted to spend time with you" I said
"we should go to King Shark's place in a little bit and see what's up with those guys" Ivy suggested "I told him I would come over today but we don't have to. we can do whatever you want."
"I'm down with that" I said "I haven't been over to King Shark's place in a while. wanna watch tv for a bit?"
"sure" Ivy said "I wanna watch the news"
"can we watch cartoons after?" I said
"of course" Ivy said
we watched tv for a while until Ivy decided it was time to leave. we got ready, grabbed Barbara and hopped in the car to go to King Shark's apartment.
once we got there, King Shark opened his apartment door before we could knock.
"what's up guys, come on in" King Shark said
we entered and sat on his couch.
"where's Clay Face?" Ivy asked
"he went somewhere" King Shark said "I don't remember where he said he was going"
"that's ok, we'll catch him next time" Ivy said
"do you want to play this new game that I just got" King Shark said
"yeah, I'll check it out" Barbara said
"I don't feel like playing" I said
we hung out for a while and I didn't say much. I felt too depressed to be social. I just knew that Ivy and Barbara wanted to get out of the house. eventually we went back home.
when we got there, I went upstairs without a word and laid in bed.
'i hate myself' I thought 'why am I even alive?'
Ivy came upstairs and sat on the edge of the bed.
"how are you feeling?" Ivy asked
"depressed" I said
"why do you feel depressed?" Ivy asked
"we can talk about it later, I just wanna lay here and do nothing for a bit" I said quietly
"ok, that's fine" Ivy said "I'll lay with you"
"you should go hangout with Barbara" I said "she's only here for a week"
"yeah, I know but I don't want to leave you alone" Ivy said "you should hangout with us too. I wish you would be more social. you barely said a word at King Shark's place"
"I know. I just don't feel like talking to anyone right now" I said "I'm feeling rather vulnerable. you could easily sleep with me if you tried"
Ivy smiled and said "you don't need to be vulnerable for me to sleep with you and don't tempt me with a good time"
I laughed and sat up. I gave Ivy a kiss and said "I love you"
"I love you" Ivy replied "will you be ok alone?"
"I'll be fine" I said
"ok" Ivy said, obviously unconvinced "I'll come back in a little bit to check on you"
"ok, I'm gonna try to get some rest" I said
Ivy left the room and after ten minutes, I couldn't resist the urge anymore. I got up and went to the bathroom.
I grabbed my razor from it's hiding place and rolled up my hoodie sleeve.
I started by making two cuts on my arm but two turned into four and four turned into eight. they were deep. blood was getting all over the sink and I started to feel light headed.
I grabbed a bunch of toilet paper and held it on the cuts in attempts to stop the bleeding but it quickly bled through. my left arm was still bleeding uncontrollably.
I started seeing black spots.
'i need to sit down' I thought as I sat on the bathroom floor.
blood was getting everywhere now. next thing I knew, I blacked out.
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