Struggles come in waves, and each of them feel different than one another. There was once a struggle with getting the right words out, a stunned awe that filled up the chest with so much cotton, that even the throat didn't know the words, 'Good morning,' almost as if they were a quiet answer to something deeper. 'I like you,' or 'I admire you,' or perhaps even 'I love you,' but there was not the right kind of context to let these words slip out instead.
So, he choked on 'good morning,' and his face went some odd shades of red, as Shirayuki greeted him back, not letting him stay in his awkwardness. Sometimes her presence is a healing touch.
Sometimes the cotton is thick and wet, a bunch up tight feeling, one that isn't so easily shaken off, one that fuels two legs with so much running energy that to stop for more than a second feels like too much. It was a struggle for her, to know what she felt and why, to know how the little waves in her heart pick up around him, to know what to do, when the time would come.
Just, how was she supposed to know that her heart felt a little lighter around him, and sometimes she could stare for longer than a few seconds into eyes so blue, they put the ocean to shame. Just, she wasn't used to this. It's not as easy as people make it out to be, to know just how your friend makes you a little warmer than most ever could hope for. Just, how are feelings ever easy; they are complicated piles of goo, messes that spring up, and yet out of other people's puzzle pieces, we are supposed to determine what we feel.
So, finally though, she stops, and when Zen comes up to her, he doesn't press for an answer. He is not the sort to do so. Instead he lets her know that it's okay if she doesn't know how she feels or if she doesn't feel the same, and that he's sorry. It hits solidly, and yet, it isn't the wrong words in the least. So, they talk about other stuff, and walk the woods together.
The only struggle for a moment after that is how to exactly open up these feelings, to tell them how they are, without escaping to metaphor or tears, and yet, even so, a promise is made that day that won't easily be broken.
And then there's struggle like no one warns you of. There's the struggle between right and wrong, and then there's the struggle when you are left at the hands of a kidnapper all over again. This time it is pirates, and Shirayuki can't quite escape by herself. And a part of her knows that no longer is she bound to act solely by herself anymore.
She has people that have her back; she has friends and love, and it's hard to really articulate, but she knows she's not alone. And in quiet moments, she can close her eyes and picture Zen, picture his worry and his concern, picture him getting ready to save her. And there is planning involved; it's not always rushing in, but rather aligning everything up right, so that there is a successful rescue mission.
And it's when he does come, that this struggle finally eases. When there are no longer pirates holding her hostage, when there is no longer an immediate threat of being sold as less than human, it's Zen that she clings to, and it's hard to really define, but when you love someone, even their presence can be a soothing balm.
So, she leans close and lets promises find their places back into her hearts, and hopes belatedly that their struggles won't ever be against kidnappers or pirates again.
It's been years since their first 'hello,' years since a prince found an herbalist out in the woods in front of an abandoned house, a house that he and his two personal aides often visited. But it is the years that fill up a life and remind you of all the beautiful times, all of the precious memories, and all that got you here.
And Zen's face is red, though it's not their first date. And his hands are a little shaky, though he's used to holding her hands now, used to the little things that make it easier to stand together again. Yet, it's now that he finally pauses, with something on his mind. They've wandered out of town, accidentally, and are just standing in the outskirts of a forest, just a little ways away from prying eyes.
"Sh-Shirayuki?" It's like a gulp in his throat, and as she looks up into blue eyes, she wishes she knew why Zen was struggling, so she could let him know it's okay.
"Yes?" It's almost hard to breathe past the way nerves seem to be shared between them, and then she watches as Zen closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
"I know this isn't going to be easy, and yet, things haven't ever been easy for us. But, I am willing to work at it anyway, but it's not about me. It's you too, and..." Zen cuts off as if just realizing his words weren't as perfect as he'd been striving for.
"And?" Shirayuki squeezes his hands, letting him know that she's here with him no matter what.
"We're in the woods, almost like when we first met or when we finally told each other how we feel." Zen looks around them, having perhaps accidentally steered the conversation off of its original tracks.
"We are." Shirayuki affirms, and she tries not to puzzle over whatever is holed up inside Zen waiting to come out.
"I-Well..." Zen sighs, a little frustrated with himself, "Okay, I'll just go ahead."
And he gently lets go of Shirayuki's hands, and finally, he drops down to one knee before her, not unlike a knight showing respect to royalty, not unlike a show of honor, of love, of respect that goes higher than she's used to. Shirayuki almost wants to drop down on her knees before Zen, tell him that she isn't quite the sort of person he should be kneeling before, but when she goes to move, he grabs her hand, and his eyes reassure her. Even if it seems a bit too surreal.
"Will you marry me?" And Shirayuki's not expecting the tears, and finally the 'why' to Zen kneeling before her is answered. And yet, it's still so hard to find the right words, but they all sound like 'yes,' like 'how did you ever come to want to be by my side like this?' It isn't like the struggle of trying to stand strong with the other hasn't happened, but that despite all of that, this is still so new.
"Y-Yes." And she falls into Zen's arms, as if he were waiting to catch her. Her legs aren't steady enough to stand on, and she's still crying with no easy answer as to why. Of course, the struggles from here on out, will not be the same as the ones they wrestled with for years, and they might get more intense, but even so, Shirayuki wants to overcome those struggles or even just live through them by Zen's side, even on the not so easy days.