The next morning, Loki felt worlds better, but, to be safe, Thor had him confined to his bed that day, as well. It was all the better, anyway, since his head still spun when he stood up, and he had the overwhelming urge to not move at all. Thor kindly kept him stocked with plenty of books from the tower's library.
That evening, Loki sat curled up n the passenger side of one of Tony's cars, down in the Engineer's lab, wrapped in a fuzzy blanket, and reading one of his books, when Tony stormed in, looking Not Pleased At All. Loki knew better than to try to talk to someone who was upset, so he quietly shrunk down in his seat, and tried to make himself inconspicuous. He was still too nasty to access his sedir, or he would've turned invisible as Tony stormed by, muttering incomprehensible words to himself.
Loki was sure Tony didn't see him, until he sent a compassionate grin his way. "Please tell me there's some good news, somewhere. You feeling any better?"
Loki hesitantly nodded, as Tony felt his blue forehead for any signs of the fever he'd had the previous day. "I could leave, if you're upset…" Loki quietly offered, curling his fingers tight into the fuzzy fabric around his shoulders.
"No, don't bother." Tony sighed, plopping into his chair, in front of his desk. "You're sick, you can stay put."
Loki peered at the blueprint on the desk, wondering if that was the cause of the Engineer's frustration. Or… could it be… "Was it my doing?" He spoke up in a nervous voice.
"Was what?" Tony turned to look at the Trickster. "Oh, why I'm pissed?" Loki nodded meekly. "No, that's not your fault. It's Steve."
Loki recalled Steve speaking of this council, before. They had ordered the atomic bomb to be dropped on New York, even though Fury had told them not to. "May I ask… what have they done this time?"
Tony rolled his eyes in frustration. "He wants to bring his stupid friend to live at the tower."
"Ooh." Loki frowned. "That is frustrating." He sympathized, understanding how upsetting it would be to have someone assume they can just use your house.
Tony glanced up. "Oh, you don't know the half of it. This friend of his happened to have murdered my parents, and Rogers just wants to bring him back like nothing happened, and… gah!" The Engineer dropped his head into his hands.
Rogers. Loki couldn't remember Tony ever calling him that, before. Sure, it was the Captain's last name, and all, but Tony had always referred to him as "Steve", or some maddening nick-name he'd concocted. Never Rogers. Tony must be livid. "Why does he?"
"Cause he's a goody-two-shoes, I don't know." Tony groaned, running his fingers through his hair in irritation.
Nervously, Loki slipped out of the car, leaving the blanket and book on the leather seat, and padded on bare feet over to Tony. "Is there anything I can do to help?" He asked quietly.
"You?" Tony glanced up at his concerned face in frustration. "Hell, you're just as bad as Barnes! Murdered Coulson in cold blood, and who knows how many else? What would you know about this?" Loki took a step back in shock. Surely Anthony didn't mean it… Surely, he was simply frustrated… right?
"Tony, I…" He began, twisting his fingers anxiously.
"Shut up." Tony snapped. "Get your freaky blue behind out of my sight."
Loki looked down at his blue hands, eyes welling with tears. Tony thought he was… freaky? Like a freak? And a murderer? A murderous freak… like a monster? He glanced up at Tony's scowling face, lips trembling. "I… I…" He began, unsure of what to say.
"Don't be a crybaby; you heard me." Tony declared. "Get. Out."
Loki gulped past the lump in his throat, and fled. He didn't stop running, until his head spun from exertion, and he collapsed in the corner of the hallway, squeezing his eyes shut against the swell of black dots before his vision.
Anthony thought he was a murderer.
That's all Loki could process. It rang in his mind over and over like the tolling of funeral bells. Hot tears splashed down from his hideous red eyes, and Loki curled in on himself, wishing he'd brought his blanket.
He couldn't help what he'd done; he couldn't even remember it. He'd apologized, he'd been helpful, he'd tried to make it better… but, the truth remained.
Loki had blood on his hands. Blood that he couldn't even see, and certainly couldn't wash off.
He wrapped his arms around his thin frame, and released a sob of despair. The halls were quiet, and still, besides his uncontrollable weeping, and Loki rocked back and forth in his misery.
Why couldn't he be good for anything? Why couldn't he be useful for once? Is this all he could ever be? A murderer?
And…
Who was Coulson?
An acquaintance of Tony's, perhaps? Or, even… one of his close friends? Why hadn't Tony mentioned him, before?
Biting his lip until he tasted blood, Loki wiped desperately at his eyes to try to contain himself, but nothing helped.
Don't be a crybaby…
Murdered Coulson in cold blood…
…Get your freaky blue behind out of my sight…
A gentle hand brushed his shoulder. "Hey, are you okay, Loki?"
With a start, the Trickster's red, tear-stained eyes flew open to face whoever it was. It was Steve.
"Hello, captain…" He sniffled, wiping his nose on the sleeve of the sweats Thor had lent him. He still had yet to purchase actual clothes for himself.
"Are you okay?" He repeated, and Loki glanced away nervously. No need to make him feel obligated to help, right? "I'm fine." He whispered, his voice wobbling dangerously.
"No, you're not." Steve sat down on the floor beside the huddle that was Loki. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"
Loki pressed his lips together, trying to keep the tears at bay. "I'm fine, Steve." He repeated insistently. "Don't bother your head over me."
Steve shook his head stubbornly. This man reminded him so much of Thor, I was astounding. "You're bothered, so I want to help. Do you want to tell me? It's okay if you don't, I'm just trying to help."
That was the straw that broke the camel's back. "Anthony said I was freaky. And that I murdered people in… c-cold blood." Loki sobbed, a new wave of fresh tears rolling down his cheeks. "I know I did… And I know I am…" he wiped at his tears desperately. "But I don't want to! I wish…" he hiccupped. What did he wish? He wished he had a different skin? He had still committed grave crimes. Wishing he'd never done them would leave him still in a frost giant's body. "I wish…" There was only way out of this, really. "I wish I was dead." He finished in a whisper.
Death was the coward's way out, but Loki still wanted it. Any way out was good enough for him.
Suddenly, Steve wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. It wasn't the same as being hugged by his brother, but Loki really needed it, and returned the embrace. "Thank you." He whispered once the super soldier had let go.
"You're not freaky, Loki." Steve declared quietly. "And you're not a murderer. Tony's just extremely angry, right now, and you were just nearby."
"But I killed people!" Loki protested. "And… not for any good cause, like any of you. So, I am!"
Steve shook his head gently. "That wasn't you. You're a new man, now, and the guy who did all that is dead. You want to do the right thing, so keep doing it. Tony'll come around, and when he does, he's gonna be super guilty, and he'll probably buy you a water park, or something to make it up." Steve handed Loki a handkerchief, and Loki gratefully smiled, and blew his nose.
"You really think so?" He asked in a small, hopeful voice.
"Of course." Steve nodded in assurance. "So, don't wish you were dead. Okay? I know at least seven people who would be devasted if anything were to happen to you."
"Not Anthony." Loki corrected, his head feeling strangely airy. "He's angry with me."
"No, he's angry with me." Steve corrected. "He just took it out on you. Besides, just because you're mad at someone doesn't mean they're not your friend, anymore."
Loki smiled hopefully. "Really? I'm kind of new to this whole 'friend' thing…"
"Really." Steve assured, getting to his feet. "You'll see. He'll be apologizing before the day's out."
Loki's smile stretched gratefully, and he stood up beside the super soldier. "Steve?"
"Yeah?"
Loki fidgeted with his fingers nervously. "Who was Coulson?"
Steve's eyes darkened sadly. "Don't do that to yourself, Loki."
"But I want to know." Loki insisted. "I'll…" He realized he couldn't Google it, any longer, since he wasn't a robot. "I'll research it, somehow." He finished lamely. "I… I want to know."
"No, you don't." Steve repeated. "Come on, let's get you some hot chocolate, okay?"
Loki had never had this particular drink, before, although he'd seen Steve drink it, before, when he had nightmares, or just an all-around bad day. In slight disappointment, he tagged along after the Captain as they made their way to the kitchen. "Then… who is Barnes?" Loki tried, hoping to grab some form of information.
A small smile appeared on Steve's face at the mention of that name. "Bucky. He's my friend, and Tony agreed to have him live at the compound."
"Here?" Loki's eyes widened.
"No, the compound." Steve corrected. "Upstate. We can take you, tomorrow, if you're still feeling better." Loki nodded eagerly, as Steve began heating up the water for their drink.
"Bucky was my best friend, back in the forties." Steve explained. "I thought he fell off a bridge and died, but…" He hesitated. "I guess he didn't die, because he tried to kill me a few years ago."
"Why?" Loki wondered. "He's your friend!"
"Yeah, but..." Steve sighed, pouring hot chocolate mix into two mugs. "Have I ever told you about Hydra?"
Loki nodded. "Cut off one head, two more will take their place; Hail Hydra? That Hydra?"
Steve nodded. "They found a way to mind-control him. Bucky, that is."
"Like my old self did with Agent Barton!" Loki deduced, glad to be catching on.
Steve nodded again. "A little. They wanted him to kill me… and he almost did, but… then, I guess I got through to him a little, because he threw me into a river, but let me live. Long story short, someone framed him for blowing up an embassy, but he wasn't even in the same country. Tony and I fought for a while, and, really, he's only just now starting to trust me, again. But Bucky's been having to stay in Wakanda, so, yesterday, I asked Tony to let him in the compound, and he agreed." Steve ran a hand over his face. "Looks like he's changed his mind, but Bucky's already flying over. He'll be here, tomorrow."
"I see…" Loki watched steam pour out of the spout of the kettle, deep in thought. "So… Anthony said Bucky killed his parents."
"While he was mind-controlled, yeah."
Loki furrowed his brow. "He's not mind-controlled anymore, though?"
"No, he's perfectly harmless." Steve stood up, and poured the boiling hot water into the two mugs, stirring them both with little spoons, then handing one to the Trickster. "He's sorta like a puppy dog, really. You'll like him."
Loki cracked a smile, taking a sip from his mug.
The Captain was probably right. Bucky would probably understand what it was like to have guilt for something you didn't even really do. If Loki could screw up the courage to talk to this man, they might even become friends.
TheOnlyHuman.