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It seems I hit a chord with this story. And I have more than a few people demanding more. So here we are; but I offer a disclaimer. It gets worse before it gets better. We're in for a feels trip boys and girls.
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Tick. Tock, Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock. Come the drumming beats of a grandfather clock as I lay across a comfortable red chaise lounge. The soft pillows propping my head up as I stare at the cool dark ceiling. It's meant to relax me, to help me express my woes to someone whom I was a complete stranger to. Or at least I was at one point.
Dr. Seras is a vixen, much like myself, though with blonde and white colorations as opposed to blue and white. Her hands and feet are covered in black fur. She wears an outfit one might expect of a psychiatrist; a buttoned up suit that ends in a skirt that cuts off just above her knees. I can't help but notice she is quite the busty one too. She takes care of herself and is about half my age. Were I so inclined, I might even consider a tryst with her. It'd be easy, a little mental manipulation and I'd have the woman doing things she might not normally consider… But despite how far I've fallen, I haven't gotten to the point of pulling a Panther.
Seras is sitting there with her pretty sapphire eyes, watching me and waiting. She wants me to talk. But what is there to talk about? We've been at this for the better part of two years now and she knows all my pains, all my sorrows. There is no way to fix them. No path to redemption or dealing with it. Nor should there be, I am being punished for my sins and I will let the universe have its pound of flesh.
Psychiatrists annoy me. They always try to seek deeper meaning in simple phrases, searching for a key that will turn the locks to one's mind. And while it works on Lylatians pretty well… A Cerinian mind is a different thing. That is not to imply I am somehow superior, although my ability to control, read and catch people off guard certainly does give me an edge. There are other things Lylatians are better at than I am.
Telepathy is a blessing and a curse.
Lylatians can know what you're thinking just by reading your facial features. Kinesics they call it. Cerinians had it too, but why bother when you can just request permission to read someone's mind and feel all that they do and reach a deeper understanding. That was my folly, really. I didn't use my telepathy that day with Fox. I didn't stop to think and ask if I could enter his mental space to talk with him… I tried the Lylatian way and I wasn't ready.
I made a critical mistake and it blew up in such a grand way that I think even the gods would weep if they saw me now.
"Krystal," Sera's delicate voice says with a tone that is slightly over a whisper. It's a voice that says she's concerned, but caring. And we've bonded well, I like her. She's smart, easy on the eyes and dedicated to her job. She's not just here to fill out a prescription and a notepad… she genuinely cares.
And that's why I keep coming… I'm using her. I get a high off that emotion. It's one of the few times I actually get to feel safe and exposed without being too vulnerable. We go at the pace I set, that I like. No fear of rejection, no lustful stares… Though I have caught her once or twice staring at my ass and chest in wonder.
"Yes?"
"We've been sitting here for half an hour. Would you like to talk about anything?"
"Not really. Just being here is helping."
"You're paying me quite a bit of money to just be a shelter, then?"
"It is a little bit like that, Doctor. This is the one place I can go and just… pretend everything outside doesn't exist."
"That's not healthy," Seras replies.
"Nope… but it helps me cope, and are you going to deny me that?"
She gives me a firm stare, like a mother about to discipline a kit. But she won't. The paycheck is too good, and it's doing wonders for her reputation as a doctor. In effect, we're really using each other. But I don't mind, it's benefiting us both in various ways.
"How about we talk of a hypothetical?"
My head turns with a raised brow, long blue locks parting over my snout as I stare at her, "What kind of hypothetical?"
"What if you could go back?"
My throat catches.
"What?" My eyes are pin holes, almost accusatory. Does she know about the key?
"What if you could go back and do it all again? What would be the first thing you would do?"
My mouth runs dry at the thought. It's not the first time this has crossed my mind. So many conversations, so many actions and ideas. Ones I won't get to enact, ever. The initial shock runs its course and I'm back to my old self. I decide to play a game.
"I'm sure you've figured out I've played this over in my head over the years."
"We all reflect, Krystal."
"We do, And I've run it over a thousand different times in so many permutations it'd make ROB's CPU short circuit."
"Then why don't you share and tell me. It might reveal something about yourself."
"Funny," I reply with a demure little smirk, "Well there's the basic one, I'm back on the ship. I talk with Fox, we hug, we cry, we kiss and hopefully life goes on."
"I think you're glossing over a few things, but that's pretty straight forward."
"Life isn't all puzzles, doctor." I say with an arched brow.
"How about another one?"
"Well there's the one where I go into it as a hate filled bitch. I torment him with his past, his history, visions of the future and what he did to me. I break him before I splatter his brains all over the steel floor of his precious warship."
That makes her pause. Such thoughts on Corneria are not welcome, let alone taken lightly. It's usually the sign of a psychopath. And considering the body count I've racked up over the years? Well, she might not be wrong.
"That's rather grim, considering you loved him once."
"Love him." I correct with a harsh snarl.
"You still love him?"
"Of course I do! I've had thirty years to stew in my fucking mess! And every one of these little scenarios comes back to one simple fact. I still love him. I want him, he made me whole!" My game is falling apart rather quickly, as is my emotional state before I shove myself back into a neat little controlled box.
"Another one is where I go back and pin him to the nearest surface… I kiss him, I strip him of his clothes and mine," I go into great detail, saying anything and everything I would do to that handsome todd. How I would sit on his lap and take him to my very core, to assert myself and him assert himself upon me. The two of us, alone and together as one. His hands and tongue all over me, in me… doing things to me that only he could.
I can feel Seras' mind racing at the details. Her thighs rub together trying to conceal the arousal and thought of Fox and myself in our prime as were intertwined in the most ancient of dances. That predatory part of my brain wishes to pounce. To take her and show Seras what it is to be with a Cerinian woman… but that would violate our trust. If she wants it, then she has to come to me. Not the other way around.
She coughs and tries but fails to hide the blush on her cheeks; "Well… it's clear you still do at least want him physically. But you said you still love him. Sex doesn't mean love."
"Hah! Preaching to the choir there, luv," I say with sardonic laughter, "No, Fox is the only one who ever really loved me. The rest of you? Well, except you Seras. No one gives a shit about me."
I sense her defense coming up. To talk about how Corneria loves me and I swiftly cut her off like a knife to the throat; "No, Seras. There is love, and there's Idolatry. You know that as much as I do. I'm a celebrity. I'm attractive, and I've done heinous shit. The only reason I get away with what I've done is because of my beauty, and the fact Lylatians simp for me so hard it's pathetic."
Seras blinks, I've never been this candid before, let alone expressing my true feelings; "So, you hate Lylatians?"
"No… Despite all the slimey vile tendrils of your minds. I don't hate Lylatians. That implies there is anything there to hate. No, I hold most of this system in contempt."
Seras takes that rather personally, which isn't part of her job. But her brow furrows.
"And why is that?"
"...I destroyed your greatest hero and your people rewarded me."
Her reaction is priceless. She stares down at her notebook but writes nothing, she does however find the courage to respond, and the fact she can keep up with my verbal barbs is why I like her so much;
"You are not universally idolised. Star Fox still have their fans, even now and even after the Anglars were defeated." What wonderful people those folks are. True loyalists to their original heroes. But it's an easy reply to shoot down;
"I did their heroes dirty... and the most vociferous ones were the ones who felt I wasn't worthy of him in the first place. And they were right, the salty jealous cunts." It really is amazing to see the various reactions play out over someone's face when talking about this. I rarely get to see it… and the more twisted part of me likes it. To know I can still shock people. At first she views me with disgust, a small amount of hate and no shortage of unprofessional anger.
"But I offer you this. Where are they now? Hrmm? Pissy little blogs and small forums while Star Wolf fan sites are in the hundreds. Funny how people move so quickly between the winning team and the loser, isn't it?"
Before she can respond to my little tirade, I ramp it up just a bit further pushing her, wanting to see what kind of rise I can get out of Seras.
"I sided with pirates who maimed, killed, burned, looted, and I'm fairly sure Leon and Panther did a bit of raping as well. Or at least parts of their organization did. They're pirates after all, not delivery boys."
Seras looks up at me with that determination I admire so in her, someone who is still capable of feeling something. That inner strength and fire I've felt waver in me so many times to defend not only herself, but admit a harsh truth.
"I hate that you're not wrong... that the masses are easily swayed especially by winners. No one wants a loser. Fox did right by everyone for years. He deserved better."
"He did deserve better, Seras. And trust me, dove, I hate it too! Just for once I wish Lylatians would call me what I really am, but they won't. I'm a woman, and Fox happened to be a male so it's all his fault… so much for equality, eh?"
"Now hold on, that's not fair. What he did to you was beyond stupid, for you to have succeeded-"
I dismiss her outright as my voice makes my annoyance obvious; "Please, I'm a telepath, a trained and skilled fighter in both mystical and mundane forms of combat. I've no doubt been the sexual awakening of millions of Lylatians since coming here. Don't give me that glass ceiling bullshit. I'm a warrior princess! The last person who tried to be in any way genuinely chivalrous, I repaid in the worst possible way so don't you even start."
The blonde vixen was aghast. Her mouth held open as I just ripped apart her entire counterpoint in seconds.
"Your preconceptions of what I stand for are not welcome, Seras. There's a reason why I don't go onto those damn shows that try to tote me as some "empowered" female icon. I am a warrior, first and foremost, and I expect to be treated as such. The fact people put so much stock onto my appearance and what I have between my legs is beyond disgusting, it shows just how little respect people have for me."
"I…"
"Don't apologize." I add curtly, "Not unless you mean it, not because I called you out on your ideals."
The room goes deafeningly quiet as Seras tries to regain control of the conversation, but I decide to take the initiative instead and move it away from less… controversial topics. I could never say this kind of thing on live television… Though, maybe I should, the shit show would be glorious.
Putting those thoughts aside I return to the conversation at hand; "What Fox did was stupid, in every sense of the word. On this, you and I and everyone else agrees. But it was his intent that was important, Seras. And I wish I had seen that intent all those years ago… but you're the psychiatrist here, you tell me what his intent was."
She pauses. Oh she knows Fox's record, she's a fan of his. Movies, Games, posters. She knows his history. A little digging also revealed that she's discussed him at length, she's even an admin on one of the few prominent websites that still holds Star Fox in high regard. I've paid some of Katt's friends to make sure that website is protected thoroughly. Fox deserves his fans at the very least.
"Given his history of losing loved ones, and the Creator knows how long his PTSD went untreated... He likely feared you were going to end up with a similar fate. That once again he would lose someone so precious to him that he couldn't take it. The fact he hasn't committed suicide before meeting you is a miracle and a testament to his will power."
"Exactly, while absolutely moronic in it's execution, there were good intentions behind it."
"And you can excuse that?"
"I love him. I should have been able to talk to him and the pair of us work through it. Instead, my pride got in the way."
The room goes quiet again with the heavy ticking of the clock in the corner.
"So would you?"
"Would I go back if I could?"
"Yes."
"No, I wouldn't."
Seras seems surprised by that response; "Why not?"
"Because I don't deserve to. People in life rarely get second chances. Why am I special enough to get a third? Hmm? Why should I be free of my consequences and get a get out of jail free card? I'm an emotional wreck at the worst of times… and my attitude has not changed in nearly thirty years to indicate that it ever will… if I go back, I'll likely just fuck it up again and I'll be here all the same."
I slip open a pack of cigarettes and light it despite the no smoking sign. I could give a shit less. What are they going to do? Kick me out?
"So you just want to wallow in your meaningless sex life with strange men, drink that doesn't effect you and whatever this is?"
"I mean death is always an option. But having a famous patient like me commit suicide while seeing you would tank your reputation… and even with me being as far gone as I am, Doctor? I wouldn't do that to you… besides, I couldn't face my ancestors with any kind of pride. Best delay the inevitable, y'know?"
The blonde vixen is speechless; and my mind reads hers like a book. I'm off my rocker, insane by most psychological textbooks and need a plethora of antidepressants. But like I said earlier… The Cerinian mind is different, we can weather a whole lot more than Lylatians can before we truly break. And the fact I'm protecting her career does cause her some shock, but it also offends her.
"I don't need your protect-."
"You do. My fame and glory have made you into a household name. If I were to be found dead with drugs, a blaster bolt through my head, or jumped off a building. You'd be blamed. And that is unacceptable to me. If I'm going to die, it'll be on my terms and the only blow back will be on those few who actually care about me. You are doing everything right to try and help me and I can't thank you enough… you give me a place to talk freely, to express myself truly and openly… you don't know how much as a Cerinian that matters."
My eyes wander to the clock and a little chuckle escapes my throat, "Seems our time is up Doctor." I gather my things, slipping a raincoat on and head for the door.
"Wait!" Seras says as she stands up from her cushy seat.
My eyes turn curiously to her with my head canted to the side.
"Yes?"
"I don't understand. You hold Lylati' in such contempt, you want to die, you're miserable… how do you do it?"
At last, an honest question.
I give her a sorrowful smile as I take a puff off the cigarette in my mouth, flipping down the collar along my neck, "Because someone has to protect this system… Someone has to give Lylat hope. Even if that hope is a backstabbing, vicious cunt who gets some strange on the regular… If Lylat has hope? Then I can take that burden, just as he did."
Seras watches me as I leave and step into the cold damp weather. Turning my coat to it to protect myself as I join the masses in a rainstorm. It feels nice, the wind whipping through my fur, the rain upon my face. I do hate my life and everything about it… but I can't condemn this system to another decade of insanity just for my selfish desires to finally end my pain.
I especially won't let Star Wolf off the fucking chains I wrapped around their stupid little necks. Someone has to control them… might as well be me. My boots clack off the wet concrete as I begin to make my way downtown towards the command spire. There's jobs that need doing and I have to issue orders to Star Wolf as well as placate Peppy that I'm not going anywhere for the upteenth time… I swear, without Fox in the past or myself in the here and now? This system would have destroyed itself ages ago.
C'est la vie.
I get barely a block away before I pause as a whisper brushes my ears. Both of them twitching in the rain as my eyes become glued to the ground. With a deep sigh I shove my hands into my pockets and turn back in the direction from whence I came. Damned inner light of mine has a nasty habit of being incredibly annoying... but also right. What I had done to her was a bit much. I shouldn't have gone so hard at her and I barely let the vixen get a word in edgewise. She's done so much for me and worked her ass off to get as far as she has with me... What I did wasn't right. I enter the lobby and the receptionist goes to stop me but I just walk past her and knock on Sera' door.
She answers not a second later and looks at me in a mixture of confusion and smoldering anger, before she can speak, I place a finger tip upon her lips. "I'm sorry," I say. Words that haven't left my lips in almost three decades, and even Seras' eyes widened in surprise. It's a huge moment and I let my finger off her lips.
"You should be sorry. I didn't even get to do my job and I feel like I didn't earn my pay. Not to mention you were acting like a total bitch today, but what else is new?"
Now it's my turn for my brow to nearly fly off my face and smile as the pair of us share a gentle laugh; "Okay, that's fair... " Gods does it feel good to laugh again… it's not something I get very often that is genuine.
"Listen… I know I'm hard to work with," I begin, "But, I feel I owe you some drinks after today."
Seras cuts me off by gripping the end of my snout, and a surge of rage flashes through me. I didn't give her permission to touch! But then I did much the same to her just seconds ago. If anything, I am fair.
"Firstly, unprofessional," she says, "Not that you care, I'm sure. Secondly, if this is some scheme to get in my good graces, you don't need to. You're not as undeserving of kindness and love as you feel you are. If anything, you're just punishing yourself… you could get out of this rut on your own, but you don't want to."
That's not news.
"I think you've grown addicted to the pain, and you want to keep experiencing it so you feel something… Because the alternative means facing your demons and that will create even more pain that you don't want."
My eyes focus in on hers, the two of us gazing in that long awkward silence as my chest heaves a bit at the truth in her words.
"Turning inward is a whole lot scarier than it is just living in the mess you made, Krystal." Seras finally releases my snout and my throat bobs from nerves, "But I will take you up on those drinks, my place… now I believe, you have a meeting to get downtown. Get motoring." She says with a tinge of firmness, like that of a parent. The irony is not lost on me due to our differences in age. I half want to snark at her, but she's right. Duty calls.
I bid her farewell and departed for the command spire amidst a raging storm. My mind filled with new thoughts and wondering just how right Seras is.
C'est la vie? No… Life is what you make of it, and I've made it my mission to make mine a living hell. Perhaps it's time to change that.