The curse of wanting to have writing as a hobby but it quickly turns into additional source of stress because you want everything to be perfect and so you are never satisfied with what you do, honestly 0/10 would recommend.
Anyways, I'm back with not a oneshot, not a two-shot but a three-shot story, ladies and gentlemen ! (don't get too excited, I have only done the first part and knowing me it's gonna take a while for the rest to be written but a girl can dream)
So, without further ado, let's get right into it !
Title of the story : My heart will always find its way back to you (part I)
Rating : T (mention of Inej's past)
Genre : Romance (look at me trying to stop myself from only writing tragedy and angst)
Warning : fluff ahead, hugs and holding hands
Summary : "Goodbye doesn't mean the end, it does not stay forever. It just means that we will soon meet again."
Still not a native english speaker, sorry.
Disclaimer : All the characters belong to Leigh Bardugo.
Goodbyes.
She couldn't exactly tell how she felt about them.
There was a time in her life when she would had given up everything just to have the possibility to give a proper goodbye to her parents, because there was nothing that hurt more than unsaid words and the feeling of regret that came along with it.
But with the passing of the years she had started to change her mind, little by little. Goodbyes had become something she feared, because of all the uncertainty it held. She knew that it was not a farewell, that saying goodbye to someone usually meant seeing them again, but still she hated this feeling of loss, of emptiness.
It was exactly what she was feeling today.
The day of her departure.
She had always known that leaving Ketterdam was not going to be easy. Despite the circumstances that had brought her here, the city had become the closest thing to a new home, and most importantly, had given her a new family, one that she would always be eternally grateful for.
It was the thing with family : the more you loved and cherished the people who had found their way to your heart, the hardest it was to say goodbye to them.
When Nina had left for Ravka, a few weeks ago, Inej had no cried, not a single tear. She had hugged her friend, smiled, wishing her the best, and had watched her ship sailing away from the city, away from her.
She had kept on a brave face during the rest of the day but when the night had come, she hadn't be able to hold back her tears.
Every time she said goodbye it felt like a part of herself was taken away from her, and that she wouldn't be complete until she would see the ones she loved again.
The problem was that no one could ever be sure that people would find their way back to each other, no matter how much they wanted to.
Inej had felt this nagging fear again when she had said her goodbyes to Wylan and Jesper just hours ago. She had hugged them tightly, especially Jesper, wanting to convey through their embrace how much she cared about them and how much she was going to miss them.
Given the tears on Jesper's eyes, she had at least managed to do that.
The sharpshooter had kept saying that it was just a goodbye, that they were going to see each other again, but deep down, she knew that he felt the same fear as her.
Life was fragile, full of twists and turns, and sometimes these were not for the best. She wished so much that destiny and fate were like a red string, tying her to the ones she loved, making sure that she never lost her way, but of course no such thing existed.
Goodbyes were hard, indeed.
But few goodbyes would ever be as hard as the one she was about to experience right now. She rose her eyes, and turned her head to get a glimpse of the boy walking next to her.
Yes, saying goodbye to Kaz was going to be painful.
He had insisted on accompanying her to the docks, even though the sun was barely up yet. They had walked in a comfortable silence, the one they usually shared when he was sited at his desk, working, while she contemplated Ketterdam from the window of his office.
But now that they had reached their destination, the two of them just stood here, unsure of what to say, avoiding each other's eyes.
There were so many words that Inej wanted to say and her heart longed to share the feelings she had hidden from everyone, including herself, for so long, but she didn't have the strength to say them. She had the feeling that saying the words would sound like a definitive farewell and she didn't want this. At all.
Because she refused to believe that their story was ending right here.
So she stayed silent, looking at her feet and cursing herself for not being brave enough.
-I need to give you something, suddenly said Kaz, his voice raspier than usual.
Inej looked up in surprise, only to see him extending her arm to her, a black box on his hands, and a look of nervousness on his face.
She took it, confused, and when she opened it, her confusion let the way to something entirely different, a mix of emotions that could not be easily explained.
- When you told me that you lost your blades during your fight with Dunyasha, I reached to the fabrikator that made my cane and asked him to do this for you. It took him weeks to finish it so that's why I couldn't give it to you earlier. I didn't want you to leave without it, continued Kaz, his head tilted, looking at her with softness in his eyes.
Inside the box was the most beautiful dagger that Inej had ever seen. The handle was a soft blue, one that shined under the first rays of the sun, with hints to silver in it. On the sides were sculpted leaves, intertwined with ivy. Looking at the blade she recognized Grisha steel, one of the strongest materials to ever exist, and when she took the weapon in her hand, swirling it, she saw that it was perfectly balanced, neither too light or heavy for her.
And the finale touch : six little crows sculpted just next to the guard, their dark wings making a stark contrast with the light blue of the handle.
It was perfect, truly a work of art, like nothing she had ever seen before. Kaz must have paid a fortune for it.
But it was not the beauty nor the price of the gift that made Inej's eyes burn.
It was what it represented, what was hidden behind the object.
Inej's blades had been a like a protection to her, during the past few years. They were a reminder that she was not a victim, not anymore, and that she was willing to fight anyone that would try to take away her freedom. They were the reason why was feared in the Barrel, why no one dared to face her.
These blades had been her shield, her promise to herself that never again would she let someone else decide of her destiny.
When she had fought Dunyasha and lost her blades, she had felt as if she had been stripped of something important, her power and confidence, like she was back to being her defenceless fourteen years old self and it was unbearable for her.
So this new blade was not just as blade, far away from it. With it, Kaz was giving her a chance to defend herself and Inej could almost hear his voice telling her to keep fighting, because that was she, no, what they did, together.
It was a message of how he would be by her side, always, even if they were oceans apart.
There was no gift that could have ever been as perfect, because it gave her all the reassurance she needed, that no matter what they would always be there for each other, never truly apart.
Kaz had not uttered a single word, but he didn't need to, his actions spoke for himself.
So when Inej's tears finally dried and that she got her voice under control again, it was only to say three words, simple but that spoke volumes, because they meant that she had understood :
- Thank you, Kaz.
And when he looked at her, with his inscrutable eyes, she knew that he had also understood.
No other words had been spoken yet everything had been said.
The spell was suddendly broken by the yells of her crewmates, who were telling her that they would leave very soon. She was about to turn around when she heard Kaz calling her name.
The look of nervousness was back on his face and his fingers were fidgeting on his cane, like he was anxious about something, which was definitely out of character for him. Inej didn't think that she had never seen him look so flustered.
She waited until he said something, looking at him with raised eyebrows but he didn't say a word. It was as if he was debating with himself about the course of his actions, unsure of what to do. This kept going for a few more seconds before Kaz breathed deeply, muttering something under his breath.
Next thing she knew he was hugging her tightly, his chin resting on her head, his arms circling her back.
At first, Inej stood there, frozen by shock but it quickly disappeared and she found herself hugging him back.
She could feel his erratic heartbeat against her ear, her face resting against his coat. She closed her eyes, wanting the moment to last forever, for it to be suspended in time.
Inej couldn't tell how much time they stayed like this, holding onto each other. It could have been seconds, minutes, hours it didn't matter. What mattered was here and now.
She only opened her eyes when she heard Kaz whispering to her ear, so quietly that she thought at first that she had imagined it :
- I'll wait for as long as you need me to. But please, promise me that you will come back.
There was so much despair, so much fear in his voice that Inej's felt her heart crack a little.
Kaz had lost so much, so many people that he hold dear, and when she looked at him, she saw a glimpse of the frightened boy that he must have been at some point of his life. The boy that was so terrified to be alone again, to feel the pain of loss and loneliness.
Inej made a promise to herself that she would never be a reason of pain for him.
- I will, Kaz, I promise you. I just need to do this and I know that we both need time to make peace with some memories, but I promise you that when I will find what I am looking for, I will come back to you, she murmured to him, still hugging him.
There were two things that she was now sure of. First, that they both needed time to heal, to cure old but painful wounds, and that in order to that she needed to leave for some time.
The second was that was no doubt in her mind that Kaz and her would find each other again, because her heart was always going to find its way back to him. She was not afraid of the uncertainty anymore, simply because it didn't exist. She knew that fate would bring them together again. So it was with peace in her voice that she added :
- And when I do come back it will mean forever.
They shared a long, deep look, dark eyes meeting with brown ones before Kaz took off one of his glove and held her hand in his, his fingers just shaking slightly. The contact of his hand against her made a shiver run down Inej's spine and her breathing hitched a little.
- I'll be ready for that.
A promise that was worth a thousand words.
They didn't move for a few more minutes, still looking at each other, before she heard the irritated yelling of her crew again, and Kaz let out a small laugh.
There was not a sound in the world that she loved more than this one.
- Are you sure that you will be able to keep them on track, captain ? They do sound like a handful, he said with smirk on his face.
- Well, thankfully, I have some experience when it comes to managing individuals with some temper and ego, she answered, matching the malicious tone on his voice.
He smiled back at her, before saying, with a glint in his eyes :
- Until next time, Wraith.
It was not a question, in fact nothing could have been so far from it.
It was a promise that tied them together, through time and space.
And so she answered, with certainty in her heart and hope in her voice :
-See you soon Kaz.
And this is the end of the first part ! So, just to make it clear this fanfic is settled after the end of Crooked Kingdom but with a slight difference being that Kaz doesn't find Inej's parents and that Inej leaves just a few weeks after. I've always wanted to write this kind of fic because at the same time I love to see Inej as a badass captain hunting slavers (independant, strong females characters, we love to see it) but it makes me so sad when two characters that love each other are apart so I decide to find a middle ground and that's how this fic was born.
I will try to update this fic soon but I can't promise anything (between having to deal with what some of you call college applications, as well as distance learning and writer's block everytime I open my computer, it's definitely going to be a challenge but I'll try my best).
For those of you who review/follow/favorite : i love you, here take a cookie
For those of you who don't review/follow/favorite : i still love you and you know what to do to get the cookie *insert smiley face*
Time for me to stop talking, see you next time and thank you again!
(Just one more thing : Shadow and Bone in almost two weeks !)