Chapter 3: Do You Believe In Magic
In a dimly lit dining room, a massive oak table sat, covered in silverware, tureens, gravy boats, and all the other accouterments required by the rich and hungry. Sitting at this grand table were two equally impressive chairs, high backed and so solidly built they looked like they may well have been carved out of a single block of hardwood. Plush red velvet served as cushioning, and some woodworking master had clearly gone blind carving the details into the back, legs, and armrests. In accordance with an unspoken law in such circumstances, they were placed at the far ends of the table from one another, thereby necessitating all dinner communication be held at a shout. And it was in these chairs that the Kuno siblings usually sat.
Usually.
Instead, they found themselves gathered next to a man they now knew as Genma Saotome, who was seated at a hastily procured stool of unknown origin. Strangely for something in the mansion, its construction seemed almost shoddy, and one of its spindly legs was about half an inch shorter than the others. Genma wobbled considerably whenever he shifted his weight.
After being told that both the black-haired boy that Tatewaki had met and the red-haired girl that Kodachi had met were both Ranma Saotome, the siblings had demanded an explanation. Sasuke, normally not allowed to remain in the dining room while his master and mistress were eating, was curious enough about what was happening to join the group in leering at the young martial artist sitting across the table (on an old piano bench which nobody seemed to remember having ever bought).
"This girl can't be that Ranma fellow." Tatewaki said, shaking his head. "He was an awful little rat of a man, whereas she…" he gave a beatific sigh. "She is such an avatar of beauty, an angel not meant to grace our mortal eyes! Why, the way her fiery hair frames her delicate face, it's-"
Kodachi elbowed him and waved her hand irritably. "Yes, yes, brother dear, we know." It was depressing, sometimes, being able to read Tachi so well. "In any case, I certainly haven't seen this boy Ranma you describe. Frankly, I doubt he exists."
"B-but mistress Kodachi! I welcomed master Genma and mistr- master Ranma to the estate myself!" Sasuke said, wringing his hands. "I-I don't know how, but this girl does seem to be, uh, that is she reminds me so much of master Ranma that I feel like-"
"When we want your opinion we will ask for it, Sasuke!" Kodachi snapped. "Now, mister Saotome, I want an explanation! Show us your son, this instant!"
Genma shrugged. "Of course. It'll be easy enough. Sasuke, could you get me some hot water, please?"
Sasuke gave a start, not used to hearing the last word of Genma's request. "W-what?"
"I know it sounds odd, but it's vital to explain what's happening."
"O-oh, yes! Right away, master Genma!"
As Sasuke scurried away, Tatewaki's attention was wrested from the newfound object of his desire to her father. "Hot water? What on Earth is that meant to do?"
Genma smirked, clearly enjoying himself. "You'll see."
The redhead (his daughter, the siblings both presumed) rolled her eyes. "I don't see why you gotta drag it out like this, pops. We could just tell 'em."
"Quiet, boy!" Genma barked. "You think they'd believe our story without a demonstration?"
The Kunos looked at each other with concern. "Um, mister Saotome, sir..." Tatewaki began. "When you called her 'boy', just now, what did-"
"Here you are, master Saotome!" came the voice of Sasuke, returning from the kitchen. He was holding a kettle. "It should still be hot!"
"Ah, thank you. Now," he turned to the siblings. "Do you two believe in magic?"
Whatever effect he had been hoping to achieve, he failed to penetrate the stubborn bullheadedness of the Kunos.
"No." said Tatewaki.
"Absolutely not." Kodachi joined in. "Frankly, the very idea is absurd."
"Simply preposterous." her brother agreed.
"Why, to think this old man would try to fool us in this way, brother dear!"
Genma, bristling at this, began to pour the hot water on his transformed son's head.
"Indeed, dear sister. It's simply outrageOH MY GOODNESS!"
Tatewaki's self-satisfied grin morphed first into a mask of disbelief, his jaw brushing against his chest, then slowly, as the steam cleared, the corners of his gaping mouth turned downward as he recognized the figure sitting before him.
"It's YOU!" he shouted, pointing at the black-haired youth sitting across from him. "B-but how?!"
Kodachi, who had looked similarly shocked a moment ago, suddenly leaned forward with interest, eyelids drooping and the neckline of her blouse given a surreptitious tug. If body language could be translated to plain English, hers would need to have been kept behind a door labeled "no children allowed".
"Goodness," she breathed in a voice which entered Ranma's ears and went straight for the endocrine system. "You certainly are a handsome one, aren't you?" Ranma squirmed in his seat as a certain tightness below the table made itself known.
"What manner of trickery is this?!" the elder brother shouted, grabbing Genma by his gi and shaking him. "Return to me that image of maidenly beauty, you foul sorcerer!"
The martial artist simply shrugged and grabbed a glass of water off the table. "As you wish."
His freshly-transformed son, on the other hand, had some protests. "Hey wait, pops, don't splash me again so soon-" He was, however, drowned out by the sudden deluge from his father. And, despite three interested paris of eyes watching him and no steam to obscure the transformation, no member of the Kuno household could quite agree on when the switch from male to female took place. It seemed for all the world that in an instant, one Ranma was simply replaced with another.
"Fascinating." said Tatewaki, exhaling through his nose with an intensity of expression that reminded Ranma far too much of his sister for comfort. "Simply fascinating."
A combination of the way he seemed to be eying Ranma's female form like a starving dog might a plate of steaks and an unfortunate development in Ranma's pectoral area (which he later insisted was only because of the chill he got from the ice water, and nothing else) caused the now buxom and red-haired teen to cross his arms and cover his chest.
"Hey, pal, quit starin'." Ranma said as he glared at Tatewaki.
"Indeed, brother dear." said Kodachi, snatching the half-full kettle out of Genma's unsuspecting grasp and pouring it on the redhead. "I believe that should be my job, considering this stallion of a man is to be my future husband."
"H-hey, what-"
Ranma, still steaming and gasping from the heat, was interrupted by Tatewaki grabbing his own glass of water and upending it on his head once more.
"I believe, dear sister," he sneered,"That you mean to say this delicate flower of a young woman is to be my future bride!"
Teeth chattering and clothes thoroughly soaked by this point, Ranma let out a sneeze. "Oh, this can't be good for me."
"Now, hold on," Genma began. "I'm pretty sure that my son isn't going to become your bride. Your father and I agreed that he was to wed Kodachi."
"Verbally, with no witnesses, perhaps." Tatewaki said. He grinned, and then held out his hand. "SASUKE! The document!"
Either through considerable foresight or superhuman speed, Sasuke produced the document and handed it to his waiting master, who proceeded to unfold it, grunt in satisfaction, and immediately shoved it back into the face of his faithful servant. "Read it, Sasuke." he demanded.
"C-certainly, master Kuno! A-hem: 'Let it be known that on January the 9th, 1972, on an unmapped island off the coast of American Samoa in the Southern Pacific, it was agreed that the Saotome and Kuno families would be joined through marriage.'"
There was a pause as everyone else present digested that information, with Kodachi angrily and ineffectually pounding on her brother's chest in petulant rage while the Saotomes both seemed to gain a faraway look in their eyes as they sunk into their sockets.
"You! Absolutely! Awful! Brother!" said Kodachi in between the hollow thumps of her fists on Tatewaki's chest cavity. "That document must be a forgery! Or you must have convinced father to write it like that, somehow! I just know it!
"I was 16 months old, dear sister." he said flatly. "And, had no idea about any of this until last week. It was then that I asked Sasuke what he knew about it, and he showed me the official documentation."
Digesting this and finding herself unable to find anything to potentially blame her brother for (and holding a very empty kettle), Kodachi simply stewed in anger and glowered at Tatewaki, shooting the occasional narrow-eyed glare at the currently female Ranma.
"That is… worryingly vague." Genma said, sweat beating on his forehead.
"Yeah, you can say that!" shouted his son angrily. "You're tellin' me you couldn't even be bothered to make sure you knew who I was marryin'?"
"A-heh heh…" laughed Genma weakly. "Well, boy, I-I was starving, and the man only mentioned a daughter…" He decided that now was not the time to think about the multiple choice situation he had set up with his old pal Soun while thoroughly well-fed and informed.
"Legal matters aside," Kodachi said as she shoved the kettle into Sasuke's arms. "(Fill that up and bring it to a boil, Sasuke.) I'd like to know why my husband-to-be turns into a girl with a splash of water!"
"Yes, the same thing had been bothering me as well." Tatewaki said, placing an empty pitcher atop Sasuke's head. "(Be a good man and grab some ice water, Sasuke.) To see such beauty be forced to take such a repugnant form breaks my warrior heart!"
"Forced?" asked Ranma indignantly. "Listen, bud, I ain't forced to take either one! A-and I ain't marryin' either of you!"
"Not forced, eh boy?" Genma asked, raising an eyebrow. "What happens when it rains, then?"
As Ranma grumbled, Genma turned to the siblings and sighed. "I suppose you're both wondering exactly how this sorry state of affairs came to be."
"Yes!"
"Dear Lord, man, that's what we both just said!"
His eye giving a slight twitch of irritation, Genma cleared his throat and continued on in the face of the rhetorically disinclined. "Well. Ranma and I were on a training journey in China for some time. Having learned of the legendary cursed springs of Jusenkyo, we set off to train there, believing that there we could elevate our training to new heights!"
Ranma scoffed, but didn't bother setting the record straight about exactly whose decision it was to head to Jusenkyo. It wasn't worth it.
"Alas, unbeknownst to us due to some… translation errors," Genma continued. "We learned far too late that each spring there carries with it a terrible curse. And now…" He gestured at his transformed child. "...This."
The assembled Kunos could not help but notice the repeated use of first person plural. "We were in China. We went to Jusenkyo. WE were cursed."
Slowly, steadily, as if the elder Saotome's vision were based on sudden movement, Kodachi reached for her own glass of water. It would, she thought, be extremely interesting to see what sort of woman this great bear of a man turned into. Before Genma could react, she upended the cool liquid onto his head.
And as the spindly legs of the bench snapped under the sudden weight of a large, fuzzy posterior, she reflected on how apt her choice of words had been.
Finally, huffing and puffing with two containers of water of opposite temperature in his possession, Sasuke entered the dining room.
"Sorry for the delay! It took some time for the water to heat up." he explained. "Did I miss anything important?"
Attention no longer consumed by making certain that no water was spilled en route, Sasuke looked at the scene before him.
And promptly dropped both pitcher and kettle in shock.
"Groowwaarrr…" The panda known as Genma Saotome growled, lifting a paw to its face in exasperation.
Ranma sighed, eying the steaming puddle forlornly. "I'll give you the short version, Sasuke."
Ranma was splashed no fewer than 23 more times before the end of the night. On the bright side, that at least meant he went to bed in the form he preferred. If he wanted to continue counting his blessings, he was laying in the most comfortable bed he'd ever seen, under so many sheets, blankets, comforters, duvets, and pillows that he half worried that he'd sink into the surface like it was some sort of quicksand on a box spring. The meal, once it had properly commenced, had been delicious. His father was in a different room, far far away from him. Sasuke seemed nice enough.
As for the negatives, well…
So. The old man had gone and gotten him engaged, had he? Not enough to spend most of Ranma's life as malnourished nomads, or to leave him with enough hangups that his psyche looked like a crossword made out of the index of the DSM-4, or to get themselves both cursed because he couldn't be bothered to pony up for a Japanese guidebook, NOW he was trapped into marrying one of these Kunos! Both of whom were haughty, rude, and absolutely out of their minds.
Ranma shifted onto his side (a maneuver that caused complex topological shifts in the peaks and valleys of plush fabric surrounding him) and sighed. He could at least take solace in the fact that he wouldn't have to deal with either of those two when they went to school.
The following morning, Ranma found himself drinking in every detail of the route taken by the sleek black sedan so he could walk to his new school going forward. Hell of a surprise to have sprung on you during breakfast, learning that for the first time in years you're going to be expected to attend regular classes. That would have been fine, on its own. What wasn't fine, however, was the person he was currently sharing the passenger area with…
"So, tell my why exactly you ain't goin' to some fancy private school like your sister?" Ranma asked.
"I have my reasons." replied Tatewaki cooly. He was still slightly miffed about Ranma and Genma making sure he didn't have any secret bottles of water on his person before they left. "The kendo team at Furinkan high is one of the best in Japan, for one thing. And there are… other benefits to attending there, as well."
Ranma shuddered at the now-familiar expression twisting its way through Tatewaki's features. So there's a girl he likes here, huh? He thought. Poor thing. "Whatever. You'd better just stay away from me while we're there."
"Oh, you wound me, madame!" said Tatewaki dramatically, throwing his forearm across his face like a Shakespearean actor. "Such biting words from one's own fiancée! Truly now I feel the fury of a woman scorned of which Congreve spoke!"
"I ain't a woman, and I ain't your fiancée, got that?" Ranma growled, balling his hands into fists. "You're gonna cut that out before we get to school, or they're going to need to send a team of spelunkers up your ass to find your head."
Coughing and quickly returning to a normal seated position, Kuno suddenly found his attention drawn to the scenery out the window. "Ah, yes. Of course. My apologies, mister Saotome." Only the slight curling of his upper lip betrayed his distaste at referring to Ranma as a "mister". "You'll be happy to know that we won't be sharing classes. I'm a year ahead of you."
"Good."
A few silent minutes passed, Ranma busy memorizing landmarks in the cozy corner of Tokyo he now found himself living in. There were, he noticed with a sinking feeling, a lot of rivers.
Suddenly, his travelling companion broke the silence. "We're here."
"Hm?" Ranma looked out the window on Tatewaki's side, seeing a wall with a bronze plaque reading "Furinkan High School" encircling a large, white building dominated by a tall clock tower. The whole building looked thoroughly modern, which is to say that it looked like what people in 1952 thought the 80s would look like. And the architecture wasn't the only thing bothering Ranma…
"Hey, where is everyone?" he asked. There were a few students here and there, but not nearly enough judging by the size of the school. The largest congregation of people all seemed to be from sports teams.
"Oh, they'll be trickling in soon enough." Tatewaki said. "I make a habit of arriving 15 minutes early. There's a sort of… school-wide sports club meeting held every morning."
Ranma grunted. Made sense, Tatewaki was the kendo captain. Probably thought of himself as some sort of big man on campus. And hey, being early for school would be a nice change of pace from middle school.
Having nothing better to do, he hung around the crowd of sporting equipment laden teens with his new housemate. Strange, he thought, looking around at the milling athletes. Don't people usually discuss stuff at a meeting?
Suddenly, activity. A young man with a baseball bat called out: "She's here!" At once, the disorganized mass of humanity formed a phalanx of flesh, seemingly preparing for battle.
"Hey, what's goin' on?" asked Ranma, looking around before eventually turning towards Tatewaki. "Who's here?"
Tatewaki Kuno took a deep breath in through his nose, eyes staring determinedly at the school gates.
"Akane Tendo." he breathed.
Akane Tendo. Student at Furinkan High. Youngest daughter of Soun Tendo, master of the Tendo school of Anything Goes Martial Arts and owner of his own dojo. A martial artist in her own right, she made sure to get plenty of practice in every morning.
She glared at the assembled boys outside of school.
Practice was about to begin.
"Hold my bag, Nabiki." she said to a slightly taller girl with a head of chestnut hair cut into a bob who was walking alongside her. Akane's own hair, which had been pinned between her shoulder and the strap of her bag, began to wave free. Long and black, it began to swing like a pendulum as she increased her pace.
"You know, sis, I still say you should just date one of them." Nabiki said, idly swinging her sister's bag in loop-de-loops as she ambled behind her. Now halfway to shouting as the distance between the two increased, she continued, "I just don't get why you don't give them what they want so they leave you alone!"
Akane, now a small, girlish missile powered by white-hot fury, simply shouted:
"Because I…"
The group of young men all shouted her name.
"HATE…"
As one, a battle cry was given, and the boys of Furinkan High charged.
"BOYS!"
There was a meaty slap and a sickening crack as fist met jaw.
This was it. She was in her element. Ever since that idiot Kuno had issued that school-wide challenge early in the semester, every morning had become this dance. She wove, bobbed, blocked, and punched as boys with croquet mallets and hockey sticks attempted to overpower her. None of them stood a chance, of course. They may have been athletes, but she was in another league. Only one of them could possibly pose any sort of challenge to her, and she began to scan the thinning crowd for him. Kuno always waited until the end, when she'd theoretically be tired out from all the fighting. Ah, there he was. Standing there, looking somehow even more smug than usual. And there was a new face, too, a short boy in a bright red shirt who was tugging on Kuno's sleeve in an attempt to get his attention. He seemed very agitated. Akane narrowed her eyes. Any friend of Kuno's was an enemy of her's.
"Yo, Tatewaki, what the hell is goin' on?" asked Ranma, frantically watching the carnage unfold around them. "You said this was a sports club meetin'!"
"It is." Tatewaki replied coolly. "We are from sports clubs, and we meet."
"Yeah, meet on the field of battle, looks like!" Ranma said.
"Ah, you caught my pun!" The taller boy beamed.
Ranma was unsure if that really constituted a pun, per se, but there were bigger fish to fry at the moment. "Okay, good, yes. WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
"Just a little Furinkan morning ritual, my sweet, nothing more." As Ranma's hand recoiled at the thought of being any flavor to Tatewaki Kuno, the boy in question's eyes glazed over as he dipped into his own world of poetic reverie. "Each morn, since I suggested it, those that view themselves as worthy fight for the hand of the fair Akane Tendo. And so it is that we get the marvellous display you see before you. All of these menbelieve that they will be the one to best her in combat and date with her." He momentarily came back to reality as a nasty grin split his face nearly in two. "They are all fools. That honor belongs to me. Or at least," he grabbed a hold of Ranma's hand. "It used to."
There was so much to unpack in that insane speech that Ranma's brain was considering hiring a move-in service. There was one thing that stood out as more alarming than the rest, however.
"...You started all this?" he asked, horrified.
But Tatewaki wasn't listening. By this point, the Akane girl had just thrown the captain of the judo team into the school's star boxer, eliminating the last two minor threats. It was then that she set a pair of hateful eyes on Kuno.
"Ah, Akane Tendo! Another magnificent fight! Your strength is matched only by your beauty, my beloved." Kuno bowed deeply, dragging Ranma down with him.
"Upperclassman Kuno." she said, and nodded towards Ranma. "Who's your friend?"
Tatewaki chuckled. "Oh, she is far more than just a friend, dear Akane."
Akane glanced at the… girl next to Kuno. Judging by her glare, she sure didn't seem happy about what he said. "...She?"
"Yes, my dear Ranma has an… unfortunate affliction. But nothing a little water cannot fix! And once she accepts my love, then our betrothal shall become official!"
Tatewaki was shouting loud enough that the crowd that gathered to watch the fight every morning began to talk amongst themselves. A girl with light orange curls cocked her head, asking "So, is that boy a girl?" A boy with messy, light brown hair elbowed his taller, darker-haired companion with a grin. "Dude, I think Kuno's gay." Most people were snickering by this point, and Ranma's face was rapidly moving from pink, through red, to an angry puce.
"How many times do I hafta tell you, I am NOT gonna marry you, and I. Am. A. GUY!"
Ranma punctuated each word with a blow to a body part, meaning that before he even hit the ground Tatewaki was left with a fist mark on the face, chest, abdomen, and the imprint of Ranma's knee on his groin. He collapsed like a cheap deck chair, folding in on himself and coming to rest with his face and knees on the ground and his rear end pointed skyward. The crowd of students gasped and murmured in approval.
"Hey, this guy took out Kuno!" someone said.
"Yeah, only Akane's been able to do that before!" said another.
Akane realized she still had her fists balled from her fight, and quickly relaxed her hands before approaching this stranger. She had no idea what to make of any of that engagement stuff Kuno was going on about, and he was evidently a boy besides,, but anyone who laid out Kuno like that couldn't be all bad. "Hey there," she said, extending her hand. "My name's Akane Tendo. Nice work there."
Ranma took the hand, blushing slightly as he became suddenly very cognizant of how sweaty his palms were. "Oh! Uh, th-thanks! My name's Ranma. Ranma Saotome."
"So," she gestured towards the grounded samurai. "What's your connection with upperclassman Kuno?" It was a casual enough question, but there was a hard edge buried in there just beneath the surface of the words. Clearly, there was a wrong answer.
"Ah, that." Ranma rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. Clearly his unwanted suitor was somewhat less-than-popular with the student body, given the number of boys gently kicking his prone form. "Well, the thing about us bein' engaged is… technically true. His dad and my dad made some sort of agreement that I'd marry his sister ages ago, but the wordin' was really vague." He sighed. "So now I'm stayin' at his place."
"But why would Kuno want to marry you?" Akane asked, before realizing how implicitly insulting this sounded. "N-not that you're, like, ugly or anything! It's just that, well, given how he organized this whole stupid fight for me, I kind of assumed he was straight. Like, very straight."
Ranma felt himself dealing with significant guilt by association. "Yeah, sorry you have to deal with this. If I'd have known he was doin' this every morning I would've laid him out way harder when we sparred yesterday." Then, with a dawning horror, he realized, "Oh, god. I offered to help train him…"
Akane chuckled. "Well I'm glad he didn't take you up on the offer."
"Aha ha…" Ranma grinned and rubbed the back of his neck again. Slowly, he became aware that everyone present had crowded around the two, clearly eager to hear more about why Kuno wanted to marry some guy (truth be told, many of them were at this point impressed that Akane had held a conversation with a boy for going on 3 minutes now without punching him). Well, nothing for it, he guessed. "So, when my pops and I were trainin' in China, something… happened. Does anyone have any water on them?"
A girl who biked to school held up her half-full plastic bottle that clipped to the frame in front of the seat, and it was gradually passed from hand to hand until it reached Ranma at the center of the crowd.
"Thanks," Ranma said as he unscrewed the cap. "Now, this is gonna be weird, but… here goes."
Ranma dumped the cool water onto his head, and shivered as it made its way down and around his neck and got itself caught in the new crevice that formed on his chest. The confused murmuring that had started when he requested the water suddenly exploded into confused shouting as students at the front told students at the back what had happened, who then proceeded to claw their way through the crowd to get a look for themselves.
"Oh my god, that boy was a girl." the ginger girl from before said, holding her hand to her lower lip.
"...Dude, if that's still a guy, I think I'm gay." The dark brown-haired teen said to his friend.
As the shouting died down, Ranma finally felt like he could address the crowd and not have his voice lost in the shuffle.
"Hey, everyone. Name's Ranma Saotome." He grimaced. "And I'm Tatewaki Kuno's finacée."