A/N: Welcome back! Just a quick note that the italicized portion of writing at the beginning of this chapter is a scene from Carlisle's memory. We return to the present moment when the regular font picks up again.
Chapter 3 - Water & Oxygen
CARLISLE'S POINT OF VIEW:
"Hey, Doc. Mind if I bug you for a minute?" Laura asked, poking her head into my office.
I closed the browser window and stepped away from my computer. "Not at all. Do you need a consult?"
"Yeah… Well no, actually, but yes." She huffed in frustration as she entered my office and closed the door behind her. "It's this patient of mine down in the ER. She just needs a couple of stitches and a tetanus booster, but she's terrified of needles—which of course I didn't realize until AFTER I'd freaked her out. Now she won't even let me touch her, so I was hoping that you might be willing to take point on this one? Apparently I suck at my job today."
"You needn't fret, Laura. I know you did your best, and you are an excellent practitioner. A patient's fear can be a hard thing to conquer, and it sounds like this girl is especially challenging. Let me see what I can do. Why don't you come back with me and observe the interaction? That way—provided I am successful in gaining the patient's cooperation—you'll have some new ideas for how to handle difficult clinical moments in the future?" I suggested.
She released the anxious breath she'd been holding in and nodded, relieved. "That would be great, thank you."
I gave her a reassuring smile and patted her shoulder. "Come along, we have a patient to check on."
I hadn't been prepared to feel what I felt the moment I first laid eyes on Caeleigh. My reaction to her was visceral, a powerful strike to the core of my being. I was utterly spellbound, drawn to her presence like a moth to a flame. My heart went out to her instantly, and her pain became mine. It wasn't an anomaly for me to feel strong compassion for my patients, but this was a connection of an entirely different level. The love I had for Esme, the love I had for my children, and the emotion I felt for Caeleigh were unique in manifestation but equal in magnitude. I was consumed with the desire to help her, my thoughts geared towards her needs to an extent that was almost obsessive. It was the oddest of circumstances.
Presently, as I stood with the girl safely in my arms, I grappled with the moral dilemma regarding the bizarre connection with this patient of mine. Not only did caring for her in such a way surpass the professional scope of practice, but the nature of my existence would put her in harm's way if I allowed a closer relationship. Still, I knew the bond was unbreakable. It defied all logic and defied all reason, but it was as real as the heartbeat that reverberated from her chest. It just simply was. I could not know the future, but I couldn't imagine one where Caeleigh became any less meaningful. My concern for her would long outlive her brief human life; a realization that triggered venom to begin pooling in my mouth as the devil whispered in my ear to change her right now.
Though my demon begged profusely… temptingly, I would never give in and take away the girl's soul. I could not subject her to this life as I did Rosalie. I put aside my strange, selfish desires and shifted my focus to helping the girl medically. What Caeleigh needed from me right now were my skills as a doctor along with the highest level of compassion I could offer.
"Caeleigh?" I bid softly, gently pulling her chin up to make her look at me. "How are you doing, sweetheart?"
She looked up at me with a pained expression; her blue-green eyes conveying a sadness so deep I doubted if there was even a bottom to it. "I'm not okay, Dr. Cullen."
"It's okay to not be okay," I told her, rubbing her back as she clung to me. "This is difficult, but it will get better, and you're not alone. I know you feel alone, but you are not. I will help you figure this out, it's just going to take time."
"How do I survive until then? Because I don't think I can do this anymore," she whimpered, desperate for relief from the terribly unpleasant emotions she was feeling.
"You breathe. For right now, your only job is to breathe… and drink this water," I said, walking to the mini fridge I kept in my office for the sake of appearances and procuring a bottle of water.
The sadness in her eyes was briefly disrupted by a flash of anger. "How is that supposed to help?"
"We need to take care of your basic needs before tending to the more complicated matters. When I have a patient come into the hospital after sustaining a traumatic injury—a car accident resulting in a broken spine and massive hemorrhaging, for example—the very first thing our team does is start an IV and get an oxygen mask on the patient. Of course we need to treat the fracture and stop the bleeding, but if the patient is dehydrated and hypoxic, nothing we do will save their life unless we manage those problems first," I explained. "Water and oxygen, my dear, are not everything, but we also don't get far without those."
Caeleigh seemed to accept my answer, and the anger dissipated from her eyes as my explanation corrected whatever negative interpretation she'd had about my previous statement. I was curious about why my telling her to breathe and drink water initially offended her. Perhaps it had come across as condescending or invalidating. I would have to check in with her about that later. She finished the entire bottle of water and slowly lifted her gaze to meet my eyes once more, looking to me for direction.
"Let me examine you now, hm? Let me get you out of pain?" I suggested delicately.
I could tell she was scared, yet she bravely responded in agreement. "Okay."
I brought her back to the ER floor and placed her in the waiting area while I went to the nurse's station to have a request put in for a surgical consult. There was a low probability that Caeleigh would need surgery, the injuries she had come in for didn't warrant a surgeon's assessment at this point, but having the documentation of that request would deflect any potential suspicion from my colleagues and allow me the flexibility to care for Caeleigh as I saw fit until I figured out a permanent solution. This was a unique situation that required a creative line of action.
With the formalities handled and my colleagues' interest abated—at least temporarily—I took Caeleigh into a private exam room that provided shelter away from the hustle and bustle of the emergency department. I ushered her into the room ahead of me, and my attention zeroed in on her labored walk. I'd noticed a limp yesterday when I'd escorted her out of the hospital, but it was subtle and not necessarily indicative of an injury. The human body was an imperfect vessel, some people naturally had an awkward manner of walking that was unproblematic, and Caeleigh had given me no reason to assume otherwise during our initial appointment. Now, however, the claudication was anything but subtle. Her pain was evident with every step, the way her teeth would click together and all the major muscle groups in her body would clench. She'd admitted in my office that her leg was bothering her, so hopefully that meant she would be forthright with me in the exam I was about to perform. I had a growing concern that she'd fractured something previously and had gone to great lengths to hide it for quite some time.
Nevertheless, her abdominal pain was the more pressing issue. I'd learned from her anecdote that her foster father had physically assaulted her rather vigorously; his strikes could have been vicious enough to cause internal damage to her abdominal cavity and organs. If that was the case and she was bleeding, then we were possibly racing against the clock. The spectral pallor of her complexion told me that I was correct to be worried.
"Dr. Cullen, I'm getting scared again," Caeleigh said as I assisted her in taking a seat up on the exam table.
"What's on your mind?"
"I don't know… I guess it's nothing specific. I just feel afraid, and like something bad will happen," she said in a small voice.
"We'll go slow just like before, and we can take a break at any time," I reminded her, hoping that giving her some control over the situation would soothe her anxiety. "I understand your fear, sweetheart. Let me reassure you that you are safe here, and I will do everything I can to support you—beginning with medical care."
She nodded, tearful. The poor girl was inconsolable. She carried so much pain both physically and emotionally, and my heart broke for her. I knew there was nothing I could do today that would provide her with total relief from this anguish, but I would do everything I possibly could to give her hope that this pain wouldn't always be this intense. It wouldn't stay the same forever, it couldn't. By nature, per the unrelenting force of entropy, things would change because they had to. I wanted her to know that truth, but she hadn't yet had an experience that supplied evidence in favor of that theory. She had not yet been given the opportunity to learn that there was more for her in life than the pain she presently felt.
"Lie back for me," I instructed, placing a hand between her shoulders to support her back as she laid down. "You mentioned that your stomach hurts, can you show me where the pain is concentrated?"
She pointed to the upper left quadrant of her abdomen, her hand hovering over her ribcage—the structure which her spleen was located beneath.
"I need to palpate your abdomen," I informed her.
She granted permission by nodding once, and I began to gently push across her entire abdomen, saving the region she'd identified as painful for last. I watched her face carefully as I went, knowing that she was stubborn and would try to tough it out and hide any discomfort. Despite treating that area with the most delicate of touches, she winced and let out a pitiful whimper. I could tell she had wanted to express a much more powerful sound in response to the pressure I applied than the stifled, feeble cry of protest.
"All right, dear, I've got you. Would you be comfortable if I take a closer look? Can you lift your shirt just enough so I can see the affected area?" I requested.
She shook her head in refusal. "I don't want you to see my stomach."
"Do you mind telling me why?" I asked, paying extra attention to the tone of my voice to ensure I came across in a kind and nonthreatening manner.
Her bottom lip quivered and she turned her face away from me. "Because it's bad. It's really, really bad."
"Dear, there's no need to feel embarrassed—"
"It's not that I'm embarrassed," she interrupted, her voice becoming strained again as her distress intensified and she began crying more steadily. "It's just… I've been violated enough already. I don't want anyone to see what I'm going through. When people see the abuse and violation… their witnessing of that also makes me feel abused and violated. Don't you see? I don't even get to have privacy about the invasion of my privacy. I have nothing that can't be taken away from me."
Her devastation burned me as if I were experiencing the feeling firsthand. The magnitude of her sadness was heart-rending, I felt her pain in my own soul. I wanted to say something to encourage her, something that would reassure her, but words escaped me at the moment. I had to trust that my compassion would convey itself to Caeleigh through other means.
I stepped towards the elevated end of the exam table to stand closer to her head. I reached for her right hand and enveloped it in both of mine, holding her securely. I made eye contact with her and held that connection, letting her become grounded through that shared gaze. I wanted her to confront the reality that I was fully and deeply here, that I was with her, and that it was safe for her to be present with me. I needed to be closely attuned to her otherwise she would never develop any trust in me.
We remained in that juncture for several minutes, not once breaking from it. The intensity was difficult for Caeleigh to endure, but she also couldn't tear herself away because this attachment with me was exactly what she needed. I knew the connection was probably terrifying to her, but it was equally as healing. She just needed to bear it long enough to see that she was safe, to see that someone cared about her. She needed to let me help her.
"Dear one," I began softly, finally finding my words and choosing them carefully, "I am so, so sorry that happened to you. What you've endured, it isn't fair, and it's not your fault. I understand why you want to control who accesses the aftermath of your trauma, I understand you want to address it on your own terms, and I wish we could wait until you are ready to reveal that information, but I'm afraid that's not possible. We really need to discover the cause of this abdominal pain. I would hate for it to go untreated and transform into a more serious problem than it already is. Please don't think that I am dismissing your desire for control over the situation, I agree that you are entitled to privacy and that you should be able to decide when and to whom you disclose your history to. The issue is that your physiological injuries hold no regard for those boundaries you've set. Your body is demanding attention, and I think it would be awful if we denied you that. We will not neglect any part of you, that has gone on for far too long, don't you think?"
"Yeah," Caeleigh agreed hoarsely, her face twisted into an expression of grief.
"I will stand by you through this battle, however long it takes," I vowed. "I won't give you unrealistic expectations. I can't guarantee that you eventually won't carry this excruciating burden every minute of every day. I can't promise that, but I do have some other promises for you. I promise you will feel pleasant emotions again—or for the first time as the case may be. I promise you are not alone. I promise there will come a time when you won't always be on the verge of tears, when you won't lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling and crying until you can't breathe. I promise that someday your heart will feel something other than the heaviness and achiness that afflicts you now. I promise that it's okay to not be okay. I promise there will come a day when you can remember something awful and let the memory come and go without tears streaming down your face and without sending your body into a panic. I promise you will laugh again and even experience a good day, or a good moment. I promise there will come a time when this relentless, unsolvable pain won't haunt you like it does right now."
The girl was sobbing harder than ever before, her entire body convulsing as she cried, and I knew I was beginning to get through to her. I used my left hand to caress her face, cradling her jaw and stroking her cheek with my thumb.
"Let us both make sure that you survive to experience the coming time," I suggested, my voice firm even though I spoke barely above a whisper.
She nodded, making the commitment with me. I hoped she at least now believed that she had something to live for. This girl was struggling to find the will to live; that particular symptom was written all over her face. She was really quite talented at hiding her pain, she had managed to conceal a lot of her problems during our first meeting and sneak past me undetected, an astounding feat considering my supernatural senses. Still, everyone had a breaking point, and it was evident that Caeleigh had reached hers.
It took great effort to maintain a neutral expression when Caeleigh pulled her shirt up to the lower part of her sternum. Her entire abdomen was covered in bruises of varying shades—yellow, brown, purple, red, black, blue… an abstract canvas of colors. The harrowing sight of her skin nearly distracted me from my purpose which was to diagnose the source of her pain. Aside from the bruises, the relevant quadrant didn't show any apparent signs of a ruptured organ. Even though the myriad of contusions were enough to explain the discomfort she'd expressed when my palpation of her abdomen aggravated the injured area, her reaction to the region over her spleen was distinguishable from the rest of my examination. I needed to ask her a couple more questions and possibly run some tests.
"Does your left shoulder hurt at all?" I asked her.
"Yes," she replied, furrowing. "How did you know? I didn't mention anything about that."
"Pain in the left shoulder can be a symptom of a ruptured spleen," I murmured, more to myself than to her as I mentally ran through all the possibilities. "Caeleigh, do you still feel lightheaded?"
"Yes," she answered weakly.
"Okay, sweetheart, sit tight for a minute. I'll be right back. I'm just going to get something from the hall," I told her.
I stepped out into the hallway and retrieved a portable ultrasound machine that was nearby. The hospital had the machines spaced out in-between rooms throughout the ER for fast and easy access. That, combined with the busy status of the department this morning, enabled me to discreetly pull the bulky ultrasound trolley into the exam room without alerting my colleagues. The trolleys were rather heavy and challenging to maneuver unassisted if an individual was human, hence handling the trolley on my own would be conspicuous were someone available to notice. Although that kind of slip could be easily played off—a human wouldn't witness that and automatically think I had inhuman strength—I never allowed myself to become too comfortable in the environment. A culmination of the little things, small observations about abilities I had that were different, conversation around these special qualities, had the potential to reveal our secret, breaking the most important law and implicating my family.
"What's all that?" Caeleigh asked nervously, her eyes rapidly observing the unfamiliar machinery as I rolled it into the room.
"It's an ultrasound scanner. This equipment will produce a sonogram which will allow me to see the inside of your abdomen and check for any abnormalities. You suffered a blunt force trauma, meaning you were struck with an object, and you have a history of similar injuries, so I want to examine the organs and structures in that area. I'm mainly concerned about internal bleeding," I explained.
"Will it hurt?" she asked.
"You may feel some discomfort as the doppler will put a bit of pressure on your abdomen, the places where you are damaged by bruising at the very least; however, I am able to be more gentle with this examination than when I palpated your abdomen because I don't have to press as firmly with the doppler. It's not an invasive test," I assured her.
"You're literally going to be looking at my innards, I'd say that's pretty invasive," she complained.
I chuckled. "I suppose you are correct. I meant noninvasive as in I won't be poking you with any instruments and you should expect minimal discomfort, if any. My patients have told me that the coldness of the gel is the worst part."
"It can't possibly be any colder than your hands, Dr. Cullen," Caeleigh teased.
I smiled. If she only knew the reason why my hands were always so cold. "I'm going to expose your belly again, okay?"
"Wait," she cautioned, holding down the bottom hem of her shirt. "Dr. Cullen, what if something's wrong?"
I saw the fear in her eyes and felt nothing but compassion for her. "Let's not worry until we have to, all right? Once we do the scan we'll know exactly what we're dealing with and then we can decide what to do if intervention is required."
"When you say 'we can decide'...that means I for sure get to have a say in the decision?" she asked, her hands fiddling anxiously with the hem as she sought clarification.
The girl's deep distrust for the world made her unable to believe anything anybody told her. She was absolutely terrified of me and incapable of giving me the benefit of the doubt. She was trying to grasp an ounce of control in a life that was very much out of control. I knew that no amount of reassurance from me would ever be enough to make her feel safe and secure, but the consistency of my responses alone would eventually teach her that I was a person she could trust. She would never trust me perfectly or completely, but perhaps she would eventually stop assuming that I was out to get her.
"Caeleigh," I offered her my hand again, which she shakily accepted, "you will be part of all decisions regarding your medical care. The only circumstances where you wouldn't be involved in the decision would be if you were unconscious and/or it was a matter of life and death. I would act on your behalf if you were unconscious and time was of the essence, and because you are a child I might have to go against your wishes in a life and death situation, but apart from those instances, we will make decisions in cooperation with one another. I want you to keep your autonomy."
I noticed her muscles relax a little at my answer. There was still a lot of visible tension in her body, but she was becoming remarkably less reactive to me.
"Sweetheart, I know you're waiting for me to turn on you, but I won't," I assured. "I know that fear of yours isn't going to go away anytime soon, but I think it's helpful for you to hear affirmations and reassurances. So you just let me know when those pesky thoughts and fears need to be checked by a reminder, all right?"
"Okay," she agreed, relaxing further. "Dr. Cullen, how come you understand me so well?"
I smiled. "I don't know, sweetheart," I answered honestly. "I'm just pleased that you feel I have the ability to relate to you. You deserve to be understood and cared for."
Caeleigh allowed me to expose her abdomen and do the ultrasound, and I only needed to look at the screen for a few seconds before the problem came into view. There was free fluid in the abdomen, so I began searching for the source of the bleed. Her spleen was the culprit as I'd suspected. The intra-abdominal hemorrhage wasn't severe, but it was heavy enough to partially obstruct my view of the other organs around her spleen. I wanted to verify that none of her other organs had sustained any damage from the trauma, and that would require more extensive imaging.
"What do you see?" she asked nervously.
"The good news is that your spleen isn't technically ruptured, but you do have a moderate to severe splenic injury in the form of a hematoma. In plain English, you're bleeding into your belly. The bleed is small and slow, but it's there. I don't want to promise anything until after we get a CT, but I don't think surgery will be necessary. I would like to plan on observing it over the next few days unless the CT reveals something sinister that the sonogram missed," I told her. "What questions do you have for me?"
She became visibly panicked as she tried to process everything that I'd just told her. I instantly felt terrible, perhaps I should have given her that information in smaller pieces rather than all at once.
"Deep breath, Caeleigh," I coached. "Forgive me, I think I got a bit carried away with the medical jargon. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overwhelm you. Take as much time as you need to think through the information, and I want to reiterate that I don't believe this is a severe problem. Based on the ultrasound image, I anticipate that the bleed will heal on its own over the next several days, and obtaining a CT scan will allow me to confirm that there's nothing else wrong."
"But there's a possibility I'll need surgery?" she asked, trembling with anxiety.
"It's possible, but the chance is very low," I stated. "I can give you a more concrete answer once we get the CT. I really can't make any further determinations until then, so my recommendation would be to do that in the next hour here. I would like to put the order in now so that way they should be ready for you by the time we finish our exam. Would that be all right with you?"
Caeleigh thought about it for a second before giving a hesitant nod.
"Brave girl," I praised as I rapidly typed a note into the computer and sent the request through.
"If I do end up needing surgery, will you be the one to operate?" she asked, anxiously picking at the fibers of her clothing.
"If you want me to, I will," I assured her. "Now, what can I take a look at next? How about that left leg of yours?"
Her head tilted as she gave me a quizzical look. "I never told you which leg was hurting."
I decided this was a good time to tease her a little bit. "You didn't, but your gimping around the hospital was a dead giveaway."
She raised an eyebrow and stared pointedly at me, and I gave her a cheeky expression right back. I thoroughly enjoyed whenever I got to have a little bit of fun with my patients, especially in the midst of a stressful scenario.
"If I tell you about my leg, will you stop giving me a hard time?" she asked, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a playful smirk.
"Never," I replied earnestly. "But I'll consider keeping my sass to a minimum for a while to give you some reprieve. Perhaps that will give you enough time to come up with a few snappy comebacks of your own."
She rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "I hope you get everything that karma has coming your way."
I chuckled. "All right, time to get serious again. Where does it hurt?"
"It's my ankle, but the pain radiates to most of my leg from there," she said. "A week ago… something happened… and my ankle made this loud popping sound, and then this weird pain set in. It's a constant sensation, but it's unbearable whenever I try to put weight on the leg. It was the most swollen I've ever seen it when I left the house in the middle of the night to come back here."
I moved closer to her feet and rolled up the cuff of her denim trousers. Her ankle was badly bruised and swollen to twice the size of her other ankle. The skin from the top of her foot to halfway up her shin was an angry shade of red. I sighed. Why did the girl wait so long to seek help?
"I warned you it was bad," she muttered.
I gently prodded her ankle which provoked a hiss from Caeleigh as she involuntarily shirked away from my touch.
"Tender?" I queried.
"A little bit," she admitted.
I carefully manipulated her foot, testing her range of motion and what positions caused discomfort. "It's just a sprain," I determined.
"So R.I.C.E.?" she guessed.
I grinned. "Very good, Caeleigh. Rest, ice, compression, and elevation is the correct course of treatment. Additionally, I want you using crutches until the pain subsides."
"No, I don't want to be on crutches," she whined.
"If you try and fight me on this, you'll end up with a cast or a walking boot," I contended. "This is one item where I will demand compliance."
She huffed. "Fine."
"That's the spirit." A notification appeared on the computer screen. "It looks like radiology is available to do your CT now. Why don't we get that out of the way and then get you something to eat? You must be famished."
"What does a CT entail?" she asked.
"Essentially it's a fancy X-ray. The machine is shaped like a large doughnut standing on its side, and you'll lie on a table in the middle. The machine will rotate around you, capturing images from many different angles and using computer processing to give me a detailed picture of your intra-abdominal cavity. You'll be able to communicate with the technologist throughout the scan, and it should take less than thirty minutes. I didn't order contrast, so there will be no intravenous dye, no contrast materials or needles. The hardest part is having to hold still, and I've been told it can make once feel a bit claustrophobic." I placed a hand on her shoulder. "I know this must be unnerving since you've never had this kind of scan before, but I promise it's painless. Once you're done, we'll go to my office and figure out what to do about the other things, okay?"
"Okay," she agreed, her throat tightening as her emotions stirred up again.
"I'll send a nurse in to take you to CT," I said, walking towards the door. "While you're getting your scan, I'm going to see what I can find out about what options we have for improving your life circumstances. Also, what food can I get for you? Is there anything in particular that you'd like?"
She shrugged. "I don't feel hungry. Even if I did, I don't even know what I'd ask for."
This was perplexing to me. Every human I'd ever met had some sort of dietary preference. "There isn't a favorite comfort food I can get for you?"
"I can't think of anything," she said.
My intuition told me that Caeleigh didn't allow herself to form attachments, not even to things as simple as having a favorite food. She had to be indifferent about everything because having an opinion one way or the other wasn't safe for her. This sweet little girl had to make herself smaller, as close to invisible as she could possibly get, in order to survive. I presumed she didn't give herself permission to take up space in any situation. Someone had done a number on this child, and healing from that was not going to be an easy task.
"All right. Well, I'll just get you a variety to choose from so we at least get some nutrition into your system. I'll see you in a little while," I bid, exiting the room after Caeleigh acknowledged me with a nod, indicating that she was in a stable enough spot to make the transition.
I returned to my office and sat down in my desk chair to think. What was the ethical solution here? Caeleigh was a minor who was placed with an abusive foster family; the decision should have been an easy and straightforward one: call the county and file a report like I was mandated to, connect Caeleigh with a social worker who could help find her a new placement, and limit my role to being concerned only with her medical care. It was as simple as that, and the proper path to take should have been crystal clear from the moment I learned of Caeleigh's plight.
Alas, crystal clear it was not. I knew that, in this case, strictly following the rules would cause harm. Caeleigh had bestowed unto me her trust, she was counting on me to rise to the occasion and prove to her that someone cared enough to see her through her difficult life, that someone cared enough to intervene in a way that actually made her feel better. That wouldn't be accomplished by following the rules. My emotions clouded the decision-making process—not even immortals were immune to that—but in truth, part of being an ethical physician included knowing when to abandon the policies and protocols and obey one's subjective intuition instead.
I was broken out of my reverie by the vibration of my cellphone. Upon retrieving the device from the pocket of my lab coat and reading the Caller ID, I realized I wasn't the only one who was shouldering the burden of my colliding decisions.
"Hello, Alice," I answered.
"Carlisle," she breathed, her bell-like voice sounding taxed as if she could actually experience fatigue. It was an impossibility for Alice's energy to deplete, but I had no doubt that she felt figuratively exhausted by the endless stream of visions she was forced to watch.
"I presume you're calling in regards to Caeleigh's future?"
"Only as she appears in yours," Alice said. "I can't see her too clearly yet since I haven't met her, but I like to watch your decisions, and I must say that I was a little alarmed when your future suddenly became murky. Indecisiveness doesn't become you, Carlisle."
I smiled, touched by my daughter's concern. "My apologies, it was not my intent to hide from you."
"I'm almost as attuned to you as I am to Jasper, and I rely on the steadfast nature of your mind to help me see clearly," she asserted, sounding mildly annoyed. "You're supposed to be calming, Carlisle."
"No need to scold me, dear Alice. I assure you I am as frustrated with my dithering as you are," I replied, both amused and humbled by her expressed irritation. "Are there any wise insights you'd like to share with me?"
"I'll have more to tell you once you make up your mind, but for now I can see possibilities of what the consequences might be for each choice you're contemplating. I can see how our family might be affected, and to some extent how Caeleigh would be implicated."
"What conclusion have you drawn from your gift?" I inquired.
"Well, based on my visions, what's best for Caeleigh, what's best for our family, and what's best for you are all very different things." Precisely as I'd feared. "Not only do they not match up, but the outcomes vary drastically depending on everyone's decisions. I'm sorry, I know that's probably too broad to be helpful. I can hardly glean anything useful from a bunch of what-ifs, especially when there are so many variables. Unfortunately, I doubt there's an easy answer to this one, Carlisle."
"Yes, it certainly is complicated," I admitted, feeling dejected about how to help the poor girl. "If only we were human, then the stakes would be so much lower…"
"Carlisle?"
"Yes, Alice?"
"I saw the way she made you feel," she revealed. "The same feeling you had before each of us joined our coven."
"Yes," I solemnly verified. It was a rather vulnerable thought.
"There may be consequences, but I don't think you should go against that instinct," she told me.
"The issue is that I will not bring her into this life as long as she has another choice," I reasoned. "Yet the Volturi would not allow her to live as a human if she were to learn our secret. You know I can't condemn her to that."
"True. I see a range of possibilities surrounding the decision of taking her in yourself, and one of them is that she would eventually become one of us. That one's fairly solid, actually," she informed me.
I shook my head in despair. "She's fifteen, Alice."
"Follow your heart, Carlisle. You never fail when you do that," she said. "I'm absolutely certain of that."
This dilemma of morals was not a simple one. In spite of my desire to pursue the connection I felt with her, I couldn't bring Caeleigh into the fold if it meant she would lose her humanity. I could not make that her fate. I thought of Rosalie and how she loathed me for forcing this vampiric existence upon her… I would not make that mistake twice. I would help Caeleigh in a way that did not involve close and continued contact with our family. Perhaps I could still watch over her from afar…
"Wait!" Alice exclaimed into the phone, startling me. "Hold on, something's shifted."
"Alice, what is it?" I asked, concerned.
"She'll die if you stick to the decision that you just made," Alice uttered. "I've seen it. I don't know how or why, that part is still vague, but she will. Carlisle, she'll die if she doesn't have our family's protection."
Well, I couldn't let that happen either. Just like that, my options were limited to ones that would permit us to be in close proximity. If there was even the slightest chance that Caeleigh could be harmed, which, according to Alice, was a very real possibility, then I didn't want to let the girl out of my sight.
"I cannot make this commitment without talking to the others," I told her. "This choice will impact our entire family."
"Edward already read my thoughts, nosy little scoundrel he is," Alice jabbed, knowing full well that Edward would hear her think it before she spoke. "We're keeping it between us for now, and Esme. She's on her way home to you, but the rest of us will stay here in Denali for the week as planned. Tanya and the others don't suspect anything either, they believe that Esme finally talked you into taking some time away from the hospital and that the two of you want to take advantage of the privacy. They'll be none the wiser."
"That's helpful information, but perhaps we're getting ahead of ourselves. I still need to speak with Caeleigh, she might not be comfortable with staying with us, even for a week," I reasoned.
"She won't turn down the offer, Carlisle," Alice insisted with certainty that only she the clairvoyant could have.
So Caeleigh would be coming to our home; that meant more strategy was required. "Have you told Jasper?" I asked.
"No," she answered quietly, guilt evident in her tone. "I hate lying to him, but I think we both know how he would react if he knew. I'm afraid he would go after Caeleigh himself."
Alice was right, Jasper would never allow such a risk. We'd had too many close calls with the Volturi as it was, and he would see this as yet another circumstance that would threaten our family—he would be correct. He would eliminate Caeleigh if he truly believed it was necessary in order to protect Alice. I shuddered at the thought.
"Please call J. Jenks and have him reinstate our foster care license. I spoke with him before we moved to Forks and told him not bother with it since our story was that Esme and I had already adopted all of you, but apparently we'll be needing it after all. Tell him the matter is urgent."
Alice huffed into the phone. "Great. You know he gets cranky when we change our minds on stuff like that, and especially when the word 'urgent' is used."
I chuckled. "Yes, well, it'll be well worth his while."
"You got that right, he'll charge you triple the rate," Alice scoffed.
"Which will still be a fraction of what your most recent shopping adventure cost me," I replied playfully.
She giggled. "Touché. I just find it bizarre how Jasper manipulated Jenks' emotions until he was conditioned to fear us, yet the man still isn't afraid to up his price."
"Despite his forgery business, Jenks is good man with a kind heart, and he has always prioritized Jasper's requests. We would have a difficult time living the way that we do without J. Jenks' services."
"I know. I suppose he is nearing his seventies now and deserves a luxurious retirement after all he has done for us in the past four decades. At least I do exceptionally well in the stock market so that we can afford to pay him," Alice tittered.
I smiled. "I'm very lucky to have you around. I need to go, Caeleigh will be out of CT soon."
"Of course. I'll call Jenks right away, and don't worry, I'll be discreet," she vowed.
"Thank you for always watching out for our family and for your willingness to help. Let everyone know that I send my love," I said.
"Will do. Bye, Carlisle."
"Goodbye, Alice."
A/N: I'll be honest, this chapter was a tough one to write. I found myself getting triggered as I was writing the emotional bits. It became so difficult that for a while there I could only write two words and then have to take a break, no joke. Perhaps I share some of Caeleigh's feelings. I hope this wasn't overly intense for any of you. Please let me know if it was, I want to make sure this story comforts more than it causes distress. I wanna make you cry, but I don't want to make you miserable. If this was triggering for you, please take a minute to take care of yourself. Do some deep breathing, meditation, remind yourself that you're safe, etc.
Also, I am not a doctor, so the medical terminology and whatnot likely isn't totally accurate. I consult Google and that's about it.
Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews, I really love reading them and look forward to seeing the ones for this chapter come in. I'm excited for your reactions! This was my first attempt at writing from Carlisle's POV in this story; did I do an okay job of capturing his character and staying true to his personality? I'm always afraid of ruining the canon portrayal of a beloved character by misrepresenting them in my writing, which is why I often create OCs in nearly all of my stories. Reach out anytime, and I'll be back with another chapter as soon as I can! Be well. :)