Author's Note: Hello all, just so you know this story is also being published on Ao3 under my username And_yet! if that site is more your speed.

Chapter 3

Night had fallen outside the House of the Wind, and Cassian was happier than he had been in months, lounging on his armchair in the House sitting room, his family around him. Rhys, Azriel, and Mor all sat in their spots, a roaring fire warming them as they laughed and talked. Feyre and Nesta were visiting Elain in the Spring Court, and Emerie and Gwyn had wanted to go out to dinner just the two of them, leaving the rest of them to their own devices. Amren grumbled about not being interested in a family reunion and agreed to watch Nyx for the night. Mor had just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Winter Court, who were hosting a delegation from the continent, and was telling them all about it.

"You should have seen the look on the ambassador's face," Mor was practically wheezing. "It was like I had suggested he run naked through the streets in order to win over the courts in Prythian."

"You might as well have," Rhys chuckled, his wine glass glinting in the firelight. "These assholes from the continent think compromise is humiliation, so I doubt he would see the difference."

Azriel snorted into his own glass, his shadows whirling around him in a carefree way Cassian had never seen before his brother had met Gwyn. The little spitfire priestess had brought a peace and love to Azriel's life that had been sorely missing, and the change in Azriel's demeanor was subtle, but glaringly obvious to those who knew them best.

It filled Cassian with joy, to finally see Az so comfortable in his own skin, but it also filled him with jealousy. Being with Nesta had never made him feel at peace with himself. He shoved that thought away as quickly as it had risen. Nesta was his mate, the love of his life, it wasn't her fault he felt this way. He just needed to try harder to be what she needed.

But what about what you need? A voice whispered in his head, but he ignored it, forcing his mind to focus back on Mor's story.

"Once the ambassador left I met the most interesting female," Mor was saying. "She had come along from the continent to visit her mate, who lives in the Winter Court."

"They live apart?" Rhys asked, surprised.

"That's the thing, they rejected their bond decades ago, but they are still close."

Azriel tilted his head, perplexed.

"How have they managed that?"

Mor took a swig from her glass.

"She said they had realized they were mates from the moment they met, and had accepted the bond immediately, but after a while it became obvious they weren't right for each other, so they split up. But that's not the interesting part." She leaned forward dramatically. "She thinks the only reason they were mates in the first place was to save his life. He was supposed to have been with Kallias' delegation to, well, the party under the mountain," Mor faltered, her eyes darting to Rhys, who did not react.

Rhys was still haunted by his years trapped under the mountain, Cassian knew, but time had started to heal the wound. His memories didn't rip him a part quite as badly as they used to.

"Go on," Rhys encouraged, sensing the group's sudden discomfort.

"Well," More cleared her throat, "instead he stayed on the continent with her, and didn't end up going. She is convinced that is the reason they were chosen to be mates, not for anything else. Because not only did their bond save his life, he was then able to save the life of some important noble or whatever a few years later. The female thinks it was all connected, and had nothing to do with them as a couple at all. She's married now and has a child, and he is living life happily as a bachelor. They are friends, but that's it."

Rhys starred as his cousin contemplatively.

"And the male is fine with that? Her husband that is? He doesn't care she has a mate out there that could try to claim her?"

More shook her head.

"According to her, it's all very friendly. Her husband and her mate aren't close, but they all recognize that she chose her husband, and her mate chose independence."

"Hm," Rhys considered. "Perhaps there is truth to that. Perhaps not all mating bonds are about the couples themselves."

"Would explain your parents," Azriel grumbled. "They were shit together, but without the mating bond they never would have had you."

"Right, then Cassian you might have never survived Windhaven, then Azriel would have grown up without either of you, and I would have been married off to Eris." More shuddered at the thought.

"And without you, Feyre would have never survived the trials, and all of the fae would be enslaved to Hybern," Azriel added darkly.

Silence fell over the group as they all considered the horrible possibilities.

"Well," Rhys said finally, "none of that happened, so we shouldn't dwell on it." He smiled easily at Mor. "That is a great theory though, I wonder I never thought of it before."

Mor shrugged, tossing her golden hair over her shoulder.

"Why would you? You and Fey are a love match and mates. There was never any reason to question it further."

A love match and mates. The way Mor said that gave Cassian pause. Growing up, he had never bought into the magic of the mating bond, had thought it was all bullshit, even though part of him longed for it. He had longed for someone who would love every part of him, and accept him for who he was without judgement, which is why he had never settled down before. There had been plenty of females over the years who had adored him, but he never truly felt like they knew him, not really. They were caught up in his reputation, in his glory of being the High Lord's Commander. It wasn't real.

Then Feyre had entered their lives, showing them all how powerful a mating bond could really be, and his desire for one of his own had become overpowering. Of course shortly after Feyre came Nesta, and nothing about their coming together had been easy. It had been painful, and difficult, and taken years, even though they had both known they were each other's mate from the moment they met.

Cassian thought back to before he had met Nesta. He had fucking hated her. A woman who had sat by and done nothing for years while her younger sister had done all the hunting, all the providing by herself. It made him sick. Nesta had reminded him of his childhood spent on the edge of starvation fighting every day for everything he had, how without Rhys' kindness even though they hated each other then, he likely would have died. When he had thought of Feyre's older sister, he had thought of every Illyrian who had denied him shelter and food, who had been cruel and told him he was nothing, was worth nothing, and he could barely wait to give her a piece of his mind.

And he had, sort of. The message majorly got watered down once he had sensed the mating bond, and she had dismissed him like he was dirt on her shoe, beneath her notice. No one in decades had made Cassian feel so small, so insignificant as Nesta had been able to with a few words in those initial months of knowing each other. But he couldn't stay away, the bond always pulling him back to her, forcing him to keep trying. And in the end it had paid off...eventually. But without that bond, would he have ever stopped hating her? Would he have ever been able to look past how she had neglected and hurt Feyre all those years, how she continued to hurt her sister, how she hurt him? He didn't know the answer to that.

"Cassian, you're brooding," Rhys' voice cut through his thoughts, and Cassian blinked, realizing everyone was staring at him.

"You feeling okay? You've hardly said a word all night." Mor tilted her head, a concerned expression on her face.

Cassian forced a smile onto his face.

"Course I'm fine, just thinking."

"Unusual for you," Rhys teased, but the joke didn't quite land and Cassian let out a strained chuckle.

Azriel and Rhys exchanged a glance that Cassian didn't miss, and Azriel began speaking about all the changes Elain was making as High Lady of the Spring Court.

What's going on Cas? Rhy's voice floated into his mind, and Cassian scowled.

Nothing, mother hen, Cassian thought back. Rhys shifted slightly in his chair, but kept his gaze on Azriel.

When these two leave, I want to talk to you.

Well, that couldn't be good.

Cassian made more of an effort to participate in the conversation, and eventually Azriel and Mor left. Rhys and Cassian watched them go, Azriel carrying Mor in his arms until they were far enough from the House to winnow. Cassian felt a deep sorrow as he watched them, but tried to ignore it as Rhys turned to him.

His brother looked Cassian up and down before landing on Cassian's face, one perfect eyebrow arched.

"You look like shit, Cas."

Cassian snorted.

"That's what you wanted to say? Not sure why it had to be done in private."

"I'm worried about you, we all are," Rhys continued. "Don't think we haven't noticed how you've been acting lately. I first thought you seemed...off, a couple years ago, but it's been steadily getting worse."

"Only a couple years?" Cassian said through clenched teeth, and Rhys frowned at him.

"I thought if you needed help, you would ask for it, but you never did. You're fading away Cas. You hardly ever laugh anymore, hardly ever smile. You barely talk when the group is together, and when you think no one is looking, you just stare into the distance like you're in a trance."

Cassian felt himself trembling slightly, and fought to control it. Rhys reached out, placing both hands on Cassian's shoulders and gripped him tightly.

"Talk to me Cas, what's going on? Whatever it is, you don't have to face it alone."

It was those words that broke him, and Cassian sagged, his wings snapping close behind him, as he stared at the ground.

"I can't do this anymore," Cassian said, trying not to choke on the words.

"Do what?"

"I can't pretend I'm happy with-" his voice broke, and Rhys gripped his shoulders tighter, encouraging him. Cassian took a deep breath, and started again. "I'm not happy with Nesta."

With a massive effort, Cassian dragged his eyes back to Rhy's face. Rhys was staring at him with a look of horror and pity, which made Cassian' stomach turn.

"Cas, I-"

"I feel like I'm drowning, Rhys. I've tried for all these years to be everything she needed. I supported her on her bad days, encouraged her when she was struggling, defended her against people who resented her, forgave her when she hurt me or someone else, fucked her whenever she wanted me to, and I'm exhausted." The words he had been holding back, the words he had been so terrified of were tumbling out of him. "Everything was great at first. We were happy, I was happy to be whatever she needed me to be in order to heal, but then time went on and I don't know if I changed or what, but I just can't keep going on being her crutch anymore."

"Cassian, it's okay." Rhys said gently, and Cassian shook his head.

"No, it's not!" he shouted, shoving Rhys away. He began to pace back and forth across the balcony, running a hand through his hair.

"I never thought about this stuff before, you know? I never thought about what I actually wanted from a partner. I always just thought, I would know it when I found it. And she's my mate for fuck's sake. I thought she would be everything I needed, but it hasn't turned out that way. We never talk about anything. I can't just hang out with her. We are either training the Valkyres or fucking, there's no inbetween. We don't joke, we don't play around. She doesn't care about my interests and doesn't want me to care about hers. And when I'm upset about something, I want to talk about it, but all she ever does is suck me off or drag me to bed to make me feel better."

Cassian let out a humorless laugh.

"And that was great at first, don't get me wrong, but it just isn't enough anymore. I feel so alone all the time. We do nothing when we are together but she gets annoyed when I want to go off with you or Az or Mor. I love her, I know I love her, but I don't know how to fix this."

Rhys stepped forward and pulled Cassian into a bone crushing hug. Cassian immediately melted into it, wrapping his arms around his brother, craving this comfort.

"You're not a bad male for feeling like this," Rhys said roughly. "It's okay for you to feel like this. You know that, right?"

Cassian sucked in a breath, the words hitting him so much harder than he could have ever imagined.

"I don't know," he admitted. "Nesta was in so much pain when we met, I felt like I had to do whatever it took to help her get better, to keep reaching out my hand," Cassian quoted Amren. "But I don't think I really realized what that meant, not back then."

They pulled apart, arms still grasping each other, and Rhys searched Cassian's face.

"I know you just said you guys don't talk, but have you tried at all to talk to her about this?"

Cassian looked away, ashamed.

"No. I'm afraid of how she would react, that it might send her on a spiral if I did. I don't want her to think that I blame her...for any of it."

Rhys frowned.

"You shouldn't be afraid of your mate, Cassian."

Cassian winced. Afraid of Nesta? He had always been afraid of her, from that first moment where she had made him feel like nothing for being bastard born, always afraid of what she might say or do in her anger.

"I sound like a coward, don't I?" Cassian muttered.

"No, you don't." Rhys hesitated. "You sound like someone who loves and cares about their mate so much, they forgot to take care of themself along the way."

"Do you think…" Cassian hesitated. "Do you think Mor was right, about why mates are chosen?"

Rhys pursed his lips.

"Are you wondering if you and Nesta were like that couple Mor met? That you were brought together so you could save her?"

"Think about it," Cassian pressed. "Without Nesta, we wouldn't have won the war. We needed her, the world needed her, but she wasn't ready. I'm not saying I saved her, she saved herself, I just believed in her." Cassian felt a small surge of affection for his mate, "but she was killing herself, slowly. And without Feyre and I, I don't think anyone else in this family would have bothered to try and help her."

Rhys didn't flinch at the accusation.

"And she never would have let Feyre help her, she only would have accepted you," Rhys mused. "That's why we came up with that arrangement in the first place."

"Exactly. And, she saved my life too! In the battle against Hybern, I would have died with those other Illyrians if she hadn't sensed me through the bond and called me back to her. If I had died then, well, who knows how the war would have ended."

Rhys dropped his arms from Cassian's and rubbed his forehead wearily.

"I don't know Cas, that might be true, but what are you saying? You want to reject the mating bond?"

Cassian's entire body went numb.

"No!" he practically shouted. "No of course not. I just...I just don't know what to do."

Rhys sighed.

"We will figure this out, okay? You don't have to deal with this alone." Rhys glanced back at the House. "Maybe when Nesta isn't around, you come stay at the river house with us, for starters. Stop being so isolated up here on your own. Nyx would always love to have you around more, and so would we."

Cassian nodded, but frowned at the words.

"Rhys, please don't tell Feyre about this."

Rhys looked like Cassian had just asked him to cut off his own foot.

"How long do you think I can hide it from her? She isn't blind Cassian, she's noticed the change in you too. She knows I planned on talking to you."

"Then lie! You lied to her about her pregnancy, surely you can lie to her about this," Cassian snapped, regretting the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. Rhys went pale, and placed his hands in his pockets, a sign Cassian recognized as meaning his brother was extremely uncomfortable.

"And I promised I would never lie to her again," Rhys said evenly. "I've kept that promise."

"I know, I know," Cassian said, shame and remorse flooding through him. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that."

Rhys sighed.

"It's okay," he muttered. "I won't tell her, if that's what you really want. I'll just say you aren't ready to talk about it yet."

"Okay, that sounds perfect."

They stood in awkward silence for a moment, before Rhys grabbed Cassian by the arm and guided him to the balcony edge, his wings appearing behind his back.

"Come on, I need to relieve Amren of babysitting duty, and you aren't staying here by yourself tonight."

Cassian looked back at the House one more time, before taking the skies after Rhys, following him down to Valeris below.