When morning arrived, Maura awoke to the smell of coffee and a shifting mattress.
"Wakey, wakey," Jane whispered as she climbed back into the bed. "Thought I would impress you with the fact I can use your coffee press."
"Considered me impressed," Maura replied, her voice thick with sleep. "How long have you been awake, and how many tries did it take you to get it right?"
"I will have you know I got it right on the second attempt!"
"Very impressive," Maura smiled as she moved herself into a seated position and leaned her back against the headboard. She graciously accepted the mug Jane offered her and cradled the warmth in her hands. "Did you get much sleep last night?"
"I got some, yeah," Jane said. "I fell asleep a few hours after you did."
"I hope I didn't keep you up."
"You didn't, but my worry for you did. I don't think I'd ever seen you like I saw you last night. You sounded like you were drowning or something."
Maura let out a sad chuckle.
"Why were you in the hospital last night, Maura?"
Suddenly the coffee mug in her hands was the most interesting thing in the world. Maura gently tilted it to and fro, watching as the liquid moved about. She wished the water that drowned her mind was as gentle as the ripples made in her mug.
Wordlessly, Jane reached over and took the mug from the doctor's hand and placed it on the bedside table. Her hands now free, Jane moved so she was sitting in front of her best friend and took smooth, pale hands in her own.
"I'm worried about you."
"It's been a rough few years," Maura whispered.
"I know," Jane replied as she began to run her thumbs back and forth across Maura's. "You've been through a lot. And I'm sorry most of that is because of me."
"No," Maura said as she shook her head. "You've been an absolute lifesaver."
"Hardly, but I'll take the compliment," Jane smiled. "Maura, I'm gonna ask something and I need you to be honest with me, okay?"
Maura nodded.
"Was the reason you were in the hospital last night a…not physical reason?"
Maura closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing. She could feel her head beginning to swim and the world around her grow muffled. Even with Jane's hands offering hers a reassuring squeeze, the blonde felt her heart rate increasing exponentially. Even so, she mustered up the strength to speak.
"Yes."
With that one word, Jane took a harsh breath inward as she realized just what Maura was battling.
"Like I said, it's been a rough few years," Maura admitted sadly. "There have been countless traumatic events that have taken a much larger toll on me than I think I realized. Between my biological and adoptive families, the traumatic events that take place due to our work, personal life…" she trailed off. "A lot has happened to me. And for the past several months I've been finding it harder and harder to cope. It's started to affect my work."
"How can I help?" Jane asked, her chest tightening as she watched tears well in her best friend's eyes.
"You can't."
Maura realized that was the wrong thing to say when she felt Jane's hands tense in her own.
"No, no," she quickly tried to backtrack. "Jane, that wasn't the right thing to say. I didn't mean that and I should have worded it better."
"It's fine."
"No, it isn't," Maura countered. "You have been, and always will be, a source of strength for me. You've done so much for me throughout our friendship. And I don't want you for a second to discredit that or think you're incapable of helping me. But…" she trailed off.
"But what?" Jane asked.
"But this isn't some bad guy you can chase after. Not this time," Maura sighed. "I saw a psychiatrist a few weeks ago. I've been diagnosed with dysthymic disorder. It's a chronic, low to moderate grade depression."
"Okay," Jane said, nodding her head as she took in the news.
"I'm not surprised something like this has come up, but the diagnosis still caught me off guard. It shook me."
"Are you getting treatment for it?"
"Yes," the doctor confirmed. "The psychiatrist prescribed me a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor at a low dose to begin. And yesterday was my first day meeting with a therapist, with whom I'll have weekly sessions to begin with."
"Sounds like you have it all covered," Jane said softly.
"Believe me, I don't," Maura replied. "Yesterday's appointment with my therapist was incredibly difficult, and the psychiatrist had to come to Mass Gen yesterday out of hours just to see me."
Jane shifted uncomfortably on the bed. She knew she had to ask the obvious question, but the answer the blonde might provide was one Jane didn't know if she was ready to hear.
"Ask me."
"Huh?"
"Ask me whatever it is you're thinking," Maura clarified. "I can feel you shifting and I know that face you're making."
"Maura," Jane said softly. "This isn't my area of expertise, but…" she trailed off, trying to find the words. "Most times when people are kept in a hospital overnight, and the reason isn't physical, it's because…" she once again trained off. "It's because they want to hurt themselves."
Maura could only nod.
"And did you…?"
"Yes."
Jane inhaled sharply at the blonde's confession. She felt distraught at the fact her best friend was at risk of hurting herself, and devastated that it had been going on long enough to reach this breaking point without Jane noticing.
"I didn't have a plan," Maura tried to explain. "I simply couldn't 100% contract for safety. While I was nearly certain I would be safe, there was that little bit of me that wasn't convinced. So Lisa, my therapist, had me admitted to Mass Gen for an immediate medication review and observation. Apparently it isn't entirely uncommon for people in mental health treatment to take their lives early in the treatment as their bodies adjust to medications, or they face difficult things in their therapy sessions, et cetera. I was there out of an abundance of caution."
"Maur," Jane said softly, too afraid to raise her voice for fear it may crack. "How could I have not known things were this bad?"
"Because I didn't want you to," Maura said gently.
"Why not?"
Maura inhaled deeply before scooting herself closer to Jane so their knees touched and laced their fingers together.
"When you jumped off that bridge and were in the water for hours, what did it feel like?"
"Huh?"
"What did it feel like when you hit the water, then stayed submerged for far too long as you attempted to figure out which way the surface was and then swim there? When you had to decide between treading water, floating aimlessly, or just succumbing to the water that surrounded you—how did that feel?"
Jane could sense where the conversation was going.
"Exhausting. Terrifying. Really freaking cold and lonely and like every breath hurt more than the last one," the detective said.
"Now imagine living like that every day, day in and day out," Maura said sadly. "Every day I was hit with wave after wave after wave of exhaustion, and pain, and fear, and sadness. Every event that I have lived through crashed into me and forced me to wonder what I should have done differently or how I should have seen it coming. Eventually the mental aspect became physical, and every day I was met with the exact sensations you had in the water. Like all I could do was pray I would break the surface and be allowed a few gasps of air. As if the water pressure around me was crushing my lungs and somehow both dampening and deafening the noise around me."
Jane couldn't help the tears that slipped from her eyes as she listened to the most important person in her life describe her pain.
"That doesn't explain why you didn't want me to know how bad things were," she admitted sadly. "I would have done anything to make you happier."
"I know you would have," Maura smiled. "But I couldn't use you like that."
Jane's brows furrowed at the statement.
"When I'm with you," Maura began, "it's like everything goes away. There aren't any waves crashing into me and my mind stops acting like a whirlpool and I can relax and breathe freely. My head is finally above water when I'm with you. And that's not fair, Jane. I can't use you like that."
"No, you definitely can," Jane laughed. "If it makes you happy or keeps you from hurting yourself, you can use me however you want."
"I knew you'd say that," Maura smiled as she reached out to wipe the tears from Jane's cheeks. "But it's more than just not wanting to use you. This is a chemical imbalance in my brain, which means the solution has to come from the inside my brain as well. So I need to address that with medications, which unfortunately you can't provide."
"But I could have provided moral support, and rides to your appointments, and—"
"I know," Maura interrupted. "A few months into feeling like this I realized I needed more support. But by then, it felt like it was too late to come to you."
"It's never too late to come to me."
"I know that now," Maura smiled. "And I think I always knew that. But the overwhelming belief that I would be using you as a means to heal myself wouldn't allow me to come to you."
"I can count on one hand the times you let your emotional side beat out your logical side," Jane joked gently.
"Guess we should get used to that," Maura replied.
"No. You sound like you've got a therapist and psychiatrist who are really good and are gonna help get you back to your Wikipedia Ways," Jane insisted.
"I'll never be Wikipedia and you know that," Maura teased as she pinched Jane's leg. "But you're right. My psychiatrist immediately adjusted my medications, and my therapist is already proving that she is more that capable."
"And you have me."
"Yes, and I have you," Maura smiled.
"Can I ask one more question?"
"Of course," Maura replied.
"Are you safe now?" Jane asked. "Like, from yourself."
Maura inhaled deeply and pulled her hands away from Jane's to instead run them through her hair. It was a loaded question, and one she knew she wouldn't be able to deflect from. But how could she answer such a question when the answer eluded even her.
"Please say yes," Jane whispered, barely audible over the raindrops hitting the windows.
"I want to," Maura admitted. "But the truth is, Jane, I don't know. Right now, in this moment, I can 100% say I am safe and can contract for safety. But over these past few months, I've learned how quickly I can go from keeping my head above water to drowning."
"Okay," Jane nodded. "We'll take it moment by moment then."
"Moment by moment," Maura repeated. "I think we can do that."
Just over a month had passed since Maura and Jane called into work and spent the day watching I Love Lucy re-runs after the early morning confession of how dark things had become for the doctor. Just as Maura had suspected, Jane had begun spending as many free hours as possible with the blonde. Lunch breaks that were once hurried and shortened now lasted the full 30 minute allocated to the detective, and on more than one occasion Maura woke up to find the brunette asleep on her couch after a late night at the station.
However, much to Jane's chagrin, her best friend somehow seemed even more of a shell of herself than she ever had been prior to opening up about her diagnosis.
There were the days Jane would pick Maura up from a therapy session and the blonde would remain stoic and silent the entire drive home and immediately shut herself away in a hot bath for hours.
Other times Jane would bring lunch down to Maura's office, only to be told she didn't have an appetite but that Jane was more than welcome to have her portion while Maura continued to busy herself around the lab.
On an alarming occasion, Jane thought she saw Maura's eyes linger on a scalpel for just a little too long.
All of these instances were jotted down in a notebook Jane kept on her at all times as she tried to do her best to support her best friend.
"I was thinking of making carbonara tonight," Jane said one night as she and Maura made their way into the parking garage. "I think they're lighting the Christmas tree tonight since it's the first of December, so we could always skip the home cooked meals and get something from one of the food trucks around there if you wanted."
"I'd rather stay in," Maura replied flatly, staring out the window as they began their drive back to her house.
"But we always go to the Christmas tree lighting," Jane said.
"I know," Maura sighed as she brought a hand to rub her temples. "But I've had back to back psychiatry and therapy sessions today. I'm exhausted and just want to-"
"Go home, have a long soak, and go to bed," Jane finished.
"I didn't realize I'd become so predictable," Maura said softly. "We can go out if you would like."
"Nah," Jane shrugged as she pulled into Maura's driveway. "I'm pretty tired too and the idea of standing in a massive crowd while trying to fight for a view of a tree doesn't sound as appealing as it usually does."
"I know you're just saying that, but I appreciate it nonetheless," Maura smiled. "Lets go inside and see Jo."
Jo had, like her mother, adopted Maura's house as her second home. And when both Jane and Maura walked through the front door, the small dog and yapping and scampering for attention. Bass ambled over to join the welcoming party, receiving gentle strokes on his shell from both women.
"If you wanna soak, I can give you a holler when dinner is almost ready," Jane said as she put her gun and badge in their designated space.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive," Jane smiled. "The tree lighting is usually televised so we can even watch it from the warmth and comfort of your couch."
"Sounds like a plan," Maura replied. "Just give me a shout when you're nearly finished."
Maura had just turned around to make her way upstairs when she felt Jane's hand grasp hers and tug her backwards, the long arms of the detective enveloping her in a hug. Maura stood there, momentarily stunned and unable to reciprocate, as Jane held onto her tightly.
"You've been working really hard this month, and I know how much of a toll it's taking on you," the brunette whispered into Maura's ear. "And I know there's still a long way to go, so you just say the word and I'll whisk us off somewhere where work and dysthymic disorder and about 90% of the real world doesn't exist."
Maura finally was relieved of her shock and wrapped her arms around Jane.
"Thank you."
And with that, Maura extricated herself from Jane's embrace and made her way upstairs for her evening bath. It was after her therapy sessions that Maura found herself spending the most time in the hot water, using the silence and stillness to ruminate over the things she and Lisa had discussed. The irony hadn't slipped past her that her mental illness presented itself as sensations of drowning and her relaxation pastime involved sitting the tub with the water as high as it would go. But as the tub filled and Maura slowly eased herself in, all thoughts of irony left her head as the warm water enveloped her.
As she soaked, Maura's mind travelled back to the appointment with Lisa she had earlier that day.
"I know you're frustrated, Maura," Lisa said as their session began to wind down. "Its been over a month and you feel like you haven't made any progress."
"It isn't for lack of trying," Maura sighed. "I journal nightly, I attend these sessions with you and Dr. Boyd regularly, I've never missed a dose of medication."
"I'm aware," Lisa replied. "You're someone who is more serious about your treatment than many others I meet. But, please, I need you to remember that recovery isn't linear. You're going to start out slow, and maybe even move backwards, before you gain any real momentum. And even then you'll stumble and have setbacks or have, like, times of turbo growth. Not to mention psychiatric medications need to be built up and into your system in order to see real changes, which will take another month or two. Then I think we will really be up and at 'em."
"I know," Maura admitted. "I just wish I had something concrete to point to and say 'Look, this is how far I've come.' Some concrete example I could give."
"Can you contract for safety?"
"Yes," Maura replied easily.
"That's something concrete you can use to show you're making progress," Lisa pointed out. "You couldn't do that a month ago."
"I suppose," Maura shrugged.
"Why is it so important to you to have something concrete?
"I don't know if we have enough time for this discussion," Maura countered.
"I don't have a client after you, so we can run a bit late," Lisa stated. "So, why is it so important for you have something concrete to point to that proves you're making progress."
Maura inhaled deeply, looking out the window at the winter Boston streets as she gathered her thoughts. Large snowflakes fell onto the window and she smiled as she remembered how Jane raced her every year to throw the first snowball.
"Because of Jane," Maura admitted.
"Okay," Lisa smiled "And had Jane asked you to provide proof of forward progress or…?"
"Of course not," the blonde said. "I want to discuss our relationship with Jane. I want to progress our friendship into something more. But I feel like now, with this diagnosis, it isn't the best time to begin a relationship."
"But if you can prove to yourself you are making progress, you'd feel more comfortable entering into a romantic relationship with Jane."
"Precisely," Maura agreed.
"Not the most logical game plan I've ever heard," Lisa admitted. "While I can understand wanting to wait until you are quote better, the fact of the matter is Jane already loves and cares for you deeply. You won't be using her or taking advantage of her or any of that other nonsense. She has already proved she is here for you."
"It isn't that easy," Maura tried to counter.
"But it is. Sitting down with someone who has proven they are willing to give up their time for you, save you from death, and open their family and life up to you and asking that person to consider a romantic relationship? Sounds like the safest leap of faith. Especially considering Jane has proven to be your metaphoric, and quite literally, lifesaver."
"I need to be better first!" Maura cried out. "I can't be with Jane until I'm better. She deserves more and I can't be with her until the dysthymic disorder is under control and I'm stable again"
"Can I give you a homework assignment to do before next week's session?"
Maura nodded.
"I want you to talk to Jane. I want you two to sit down and have an honest conversation about your relationship," Lisa said. "Let it be organic, don't try to force anything. And next week I want to see if you still feel this way."
The blonde doctor could only nod, accepting the appointment reminder card the older therapist handed her before leaving the office.
Maura slid down in the bathtub, the hot water enveloping her ears as just her face remained above the water. She believed in the mathematical principle that two negatives make a positive, displayed by the sloshing sensation in her brain being cancelled by the sloshing of the water in the tub and leaving her mind at peace for a short while.
Maura stayed in the water, nose and mouth barely above the waterline until the once hot water turned cold, though the doctor paid little attention to the temperature. Her mind had been lulled into a trance by the stillness around her, finally free from the constant worries of the day.
Her trance was broken when she felt a hand on her shoulder and she bolted upright, the water sloshing around her and onto the floor.
"Sorry," Jane said quickly as she stepped away from the tub and into the doorway. "I called your name a couple times and didn't get a response so I got worried," the detective explained.
"Sorry," Maura said, echoing Jane's own apology. She turned to face the brunette and couldn't help but laugh as the detective stood with her back to Maura and hands over her eyes. "You're lucky you didn't fall in the tub with your eyes covered like that."
"I got skills, what can I say," Jane smiled.
"You don't need to avert your eyes," Maura explained as she stood from the tub and wrapped herself in a large terrycloth robe. "We're both women. Our anatomy is the same. I'm decent, by the way."
"Hey, a lady needs her privacy and I respect that."
Maura shook her head and came to stand in front of Jane. The detective leaned against the door frame and smiled down at the blonde.
"Have a nice soak?"
"I did," Maura confirmed. "Water has always been a source of healing for me, and the evenings I spend in the tub are the nights I need that more than anything. So thank you for indulging me. I'm sorry I worried you when I didn't reply."
"Nothing to be sorry for," Jane said. "I'm glad you've found something that helps you. I hate seeing you overwhelmed and struggling."
Smiling, Maura took Jane's hand in her own and walked them towards her bed. She sat down on the edge and patted the spot next to her.
Jane obliged and sat down, her body turned at an angle to look at Maura.
"I found something that helps me nearly a decade ago," Maura smiled. "You help me more than you know. I am aware that I haven't been as forthcoming with you as I could be but I need you to know you help me more than any hot bath or medication ever could."
"I'm not sure that's true."
"It is," Maura insisted. "When I'm with you, when I feel your physical presence, it's like I can finally breathe again. The pressure on my chest instantly lifts and instead of desperately trying to keep my head above water, I'm finally on solid ground."
"Just said the word and I'll move in," Jane said softly. "I'll spend every minute with you if it meant you'd get better."
"I know you would," Maura smiled as she took Jane's hands in her own.
When Lisa said to have an organic discussion with Jane about their relationship, Maura hadn't expected that to happen so suddenly. But as she realized she was in the moment where her relationship with Jane could potentially change forever, the feeling of Jane's hands in her own soothed her racing heart.
"Jane…"Maura whispered, trailing off to allow her the chance to clear her throat. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Maur."
"No," Maura replied as she shook her head. "You're not understanding me. I'm not saying that in the manner I've always said it. I don't mean it platonically, Jane. I mean that I love you."
"No, you're not understanding me," Jane grinned as she pulled her hands away from Maura's and instead cupped her best friend's cheeks gently. "I love you, too."
Before Maura could reply, or even begin to process what Jane had said to her, she felt Jane's lips press gently to her own. It was tentative and fragile, much like Maura, yet like Jane there was a distinct sense of confidence.
For a brief moment, Maura couldn't breathe. The suffocating water pressure that had been a near constant in her life feels as though she will be crushed by the sheer intensity of it all. She isn't sure if five seconds have passed, or fifty, as she remains frozen in fear that at any moment the tsunami will sweep her away.
Noticing the stillness from the doctor, Jane pulled away and looked with concerned eyes at the blonde.
"Maur?"
With that one word, the doctor gasped as she felt clarity and as though the water that had once suffocated her had dried up. Her head wasn't just above the water—there was no water to be found. No longer did she feel the unrelenting pressure on her chest or struggle to hear through muffled tones.
Maura had emerged from the depths and found solace in Jane's arms.
This time, it was Maura who took Jane's face in her hands and kissed the other woman fiercely. There was little hesitation as Maura scooted herself backwards, lips never leaving Jane's, and bringing the detective on top of her as she lay on the bed. Jane kept herself propped up with her forearms, leaving Maura's hands free to reach between the two of them and untuck Jane's shirt.
"Mm, I should take you on a date before you get this handsy," Jane murmured as she blazed a trail of kisses down Maura's jawline and onto her neck.
"Deal," Maura gasped as she felt Jane's teeth brush the sensitive skin just below her earlobe.
Deft fingers unbuttoned Jane's blouse and Maura eagerly pushed it from the detective's shoulders. Jane pushed herself up, knees on either side of Maura, to tug the shirt off and leave her in a plain white tank top. From her position kneeling above Maura, Jane smiled as she reached down to run her hands along Maura's side, the fluffy robe tickling her palms as she did so.
The kindness and love in Jane's eyes was the clearest thing Maura could recall seeing in weeks. Her smile as she looked down at the blonde should have warmed Maura's heart. It should have made her relaxed and calm. She noticed the lack of butterflies in her stomach as she felt Jane's hands running along her.
And she panicked.
"No," Maura said suddenly as she pulled her legs out from between Jane's knees and scrambled backwards to the top of her bed.
"What?" Jane asked, the scenario moving quicker than she could comprehend. "Maura, sweetheart," she said, her voice gentle as she saw the fear in Maura's eyes. "What's wrong? Is this too fast? Did I mix up the signals?"
"You have to leave," Maura said as she shook her head. "Please."
"Maura," Jane said, the hurt evident in her voice.
"I can't do this."
"Why? I thought you said.." Jane trailed off.
"I'm sick, Jane," Maura stated plainly.
"So? I still love you just the same," Jane countered.
"I can't," Maura gasped as she felt her throat tighten. "I can't use you like this."
"Like what? I'm confused."
"I can't use you as a cure to my illness," Maura tried to explain. "I can't use you as a lifesaver when all you would be getting in return is a shell of who I am."
"You're not a shell," Jane tried to soothe. "And you're not using me. We're doing what we've been building to for years."
"No…no…" Maura stammered as she felt her mind skip the feeling of being submerged underwater and instead went directly to feeling as though she was trapped in a whirlpool and every coherent thought was lost to the currents.
"Maura, please," Jane begged.
"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura sobbed as tears began to fall. "Please leave me."
Jane remained on the bed, watching as Maura retreated back into the shell she had only just begun to emerge from. Her heart broke as she watched her best friend—the woman she had finally admitted her love to—make herself as small as possible as she sobbed.
Every part of the detective screamed at her to stay, but for the first time in her life Jane ignored her gut and stood from the bed. She pulled her blouse back on and leaned down to place a long, lingering kiss on Maura's temple.
"I love you, Maura Isles," she whispered.
Maura could barely hear the sound of Jane's footsteps as she walked down the steps and collected Jo Friday. The thunderous waves in her mind drowned out the front door opening, then closing, and the subsequent slams of the car door as Jane entered her cruiser.
It wasn't until the lights from Jane's cruiser had departed the driveway that Maura realized the detective was, in fact, gone.
And for the first time, Maura stopped treading water and allowed herself to drown.