~~Friday - Leaving For College~~
"Come On Faith!" My mom yells from downstairs. "We're going to be late if we don't get on the road right now! It's a long drive!" I hear her yell.
I love my mom. I agreed to stay behind and do my first year at Stanford after she had her first panic attack. It took a while for me to convince her that she wasn't losing both her kids and that attending UCLA was always my end game. I wanted to be with Jenn and to branch out away from the bay area. She came to the idea eventually, but was adamant that she was driving me.
"Coming!" I yelled, throwing my backpack over my shoulder.
Some might have stopped at the door of my room to turn back and take one last look around. After all, this has been my home for 19 years. I've grown up here. I've been safe here. But that safety has been nothing more than an illusion. A paper shield.
I walked out of my room without a backward glance. I'm glad to be away from it. I'm ready to leave. Once I reached downstairs, I opened my car door and glared at her.
"You know I'm totally capable of driving myself? It's why you bought me this pretty BMW M8 Grand Coupe... You know... So I can drive this ridiculous expensive car and be safe..." I said in a sarcastic tone.
She waves me off, putting her seat belt on in the passenger seat. "Nonsense... I get to fly home... it works perfectly..." She said as I turned the car on and drove out of the driveway.
~~Sunday – Outside Faith's Dorm~~
The was a pileup on the highway which extended out travel time further. The drive was long. So freaking long that we ended up stopping for a night to break the trip in half. But it's Sunday and I'm here. Finally.
I slam the door closed and gave my best shot at a smile to send to mom.
"I'm so proud of you sweetheart..." Mom whispers, her eyes never falling from mine.
I love my mom. She's everything a girl would ever ask for in one, but she isn't perfect. No parent is, only mine failed me a little more then most.
"Thanks mom... I wa..." I began until I heard a loud rumble of bikes behind me. I don't know how, but I know instinctively that it's him. I can feel it, as though the air has converged around me, warning me that he's coming. I quickly pulled the hoodie over my head before turning around and staring at the entourage he brought with him.
He heads the pack, but there are at least seven other men with him. Ryan gets off his bike and approaches me with a smile that's not exactly pleasant. What the hell is he doing here? What does he want? And why after 4 years am I suddenly a priority?
"What are you doing here?" I hissed crossing my arms over my chest.
"I would have thought the answer was obvious? I'm here to make sure you're settled all in..." He said smugly.
Anger bursts through me, but I have to force it down. I don't want to start a fight here in front of mom. So instead, I keep my expression calm but annoyed when I answer him.
"Thanks, Ryan but it really wasn't necessary... Or fucking welcomed..." I hissed the last part. I don't fucking need him anymore and it's too fucking late. Anger rushes through me, down to the tips of my fingers.
Ryan places a cigarette between his smirking lips, his head titling to the side as he watches people pile into the school. "Nah, Kitten, it really was..." Ryan said ignoring the fact that he's not welcomed here.
I sighed, because I truthfully can't be fucking arguing with him right now. "Whatever..." I said with a roll of my eyes. My eyes flick to all the guys. "You can leave now..." I said grabbing my bag and turning my back to him.
"I'm walking you up..." He said.
Before I even get a chance to say anything mom's speaking. "Ryan, A word?" She asked him her expression harder then I expected.
"Not right now, Ma... I told you that I'll come see you next weekend... I'm just here to make sure Faith gets settled in..." He answered her. His eyes never leaving me.
I lick my lips rolling my eyes. "Whatever..." I throw my backpack into his chest. "Fine, You can make yourself some what useful... You can carry this..." I said as I turned and grabbed a box to carry up the stairs. There's a few grunts and chuckles from his friends but I ignore them all and make my way to the front doors.
There's another reason why he's here. He doesn't give a damn how settled in I get. He's not Ryan Carter anymore. He's the big bad biker with big bad friends and with a hole the size of Mars in chest where his heart used to be.
After grabbing my dorm details from the snobby girl in the main foyer, we made our way up the stairs and find my room. Ryan's friends obviously all wanted to stay downstairs. Expect 1. His name is Gypsy and he has to be around the same age as me or in between me and Ryan. After his obvious perving at every girl, it was clear that's exactly why he was here. To perv.
"Psycho... Your sister is hot... She has this whole exotic thing going on about her..." I hear Ryan's friend say.
I turn to face them both, my eyes cutting to Gypsy. Just when I'm about to cuss him out and tell him to go fuck himself, I look at him for the first time today. Young, light brown floppy hair, and cheeky smile. He's a boy. I can imagine he would get more attention than he would give.
I decided right then to play with him a bit. "Aw... Aren't you just the cutest..." I purred. I walked over to him, I could feel Ryan's eyes glaring at me as I practically pressed up against Gypsy. Who looked shocked. Like he wasn't expecting it. "I could just eat you up..." I said sliding the tip of my nail down his throat to the middle of his chest. "What do you say? Wanna play?" I asked with a purr.
By the bulge I feel near my thigh, I can tell he wanted to but he seemed frozen with wide eyes, and his mouth agape. I could still feel Ryan's glare burning a hole into my back.
I decided that was enough toying with him. I stepped away while straightening up. "Sadly though... You're not my type..." I said turning back to my door, pushing my key in.
As I unlocked my door I was thinking about asking who 'Psycho' was but my mom decided to speak.
"We made sure that you have your own room..." Mom says pointing to the double bed.
"How?" I asked out loud.
"We made sure..." She said.
My heart sinks. "Oh..." I said disappointed. Of course. Money equals power and the Carter's have all of it.
"Hey..." Ryan says as his hand comes up to my chin, tilting my face up to his. I wanted to snap my teeth at him and yell at him. "I'll come check on you every weekend..." He said.
I grind my teeth, "Ryan..." I hissed, even though his grip is so tight it's making my lips push out.
"What?" He asked, his eyes searching mine. This needs to stop. I hate him. He left me.
A part of me wanted to scream and rage at him. Another part of me wanted to tell him exactly what his leaving did to me. But I wonder if he would even care at this point. No. He probably wouldn't. The man standing in front of me is not the brother I loved dearly. He is what he claimed he is, a monster.
"Really it isn't necessary... I have Jenn here too and Kyle... I don't need you nor want you petting me here like you did at home..." I hissed.
"You don't know how I keep my pets now..." He said. I raised my eyebrow in challenge, my arms crossing in front of my chest.
"And how is that?" I asked tilting my head slightly.
He pins me with a simple stare. "I don't..." He says simply.
"By the way... I'm not your pet anymore... And I have teeth now..." I said snapping my teeth at him.
"Sure you have..." He turns his eyes to mom, his fake smile evident. "I'll look after her..." He said.
Mom nods, pulling me in for one last hug. "Okay... I better head to the airport... I planned to spend the day with you but all that traffic delayed us..." She said.
"It's okay, Mom... I love you..." I whisper, squeezing her tightly.
"Love you too..." Mom said.
Before I started Stanford and when I told my parents that I'd be studying to get my medical degree, I half expected them to doubt me. A lot. But they didn't. It was between this or political science. Politics was my plan B if I didn't get into Med. I know I could also be great as a political consultant but it wasn't where my heart and passion burned. I'm thankful I got into Med School, even if I know it's going to be a long, tedious road, it's still one I want to take.
Mom leaves and I'm in the room alone with Ryan and Gypsy.
"Rye, I'm serious... You don't need to be here..." I said with a glare.
He flops down on my bed, leaning back onto his elbows. He's god awfully more gorgeous than I remember. It's hard to stop looking at him, but I know I have to try. He's going to notice and I really, really don't want him noticing anything. I wonder if he can see my scars or if I've managed to hide them successfully.
"Ah... But I do, my Kitten..." He said. God I hate when he calls me that now.
"Why is that?" I asked opening box 1 of 6. I need to busy myself with something other than gawking at him. "Why do you care?" I asked.
He seems to think over my words, his eyes scanning me up and down. "Because you're in my city now, so it's only fair... But, here's the deal..." Ryan began.
"I'm not making a deal with you, Ryan..." I said through grit teeth.
"Oh you will..." Ryan said.
"Like hell I will!" I snapped.
"Shut up... You will... So here's the deal... You're in my city now, and I have enemies... Bad ones... I don't need them getting to you to get to me..." Ryan said.
I roll my eyes, dropping the box onto the floor and sorting through the photos that I poured onto my bed.
"Again... Why do you care?" I asked.
Instant. "I don't..." He said. "But I don't have time to be saving you if you're taken and then I have to explain to mommy and daddy that their precious little good girl has been captured by bad men..." Ryan said in a slight taunting tone.
I scoff at his words, my tongue running over my lips as I bring my eyes to his. "Sorry, but did you just say precious little good girl?" I know I should stop talking but I'm too fired up. "I haven't been a precious little good girl for about... Hmm..." I pause bringing my finger to my temple while basking in his silence. I heard Gypsy drop an 'Oh shit' in the background but again, I'm too fired to let this opportunity pass. "4 Fucking years Ryan! And those 'bad men' you speak of?" I grind my teeth, my lip curling up in a snarl while my eyes narrow. "Pretty sure I've seen and dealt with worse... But sure thing big brother, whatever you fucking say!" I turn, bending over, picking another box up off the floor while turning to face him, dropping it onto the bed. "If that's what you have to tell yourself to let you sleep at night..." I would be proud of my come back if the backstory wasn't so fucking sad.
He stands from my bed until he's almost directly in front of me. "Check beneath your bed tonight, Kitten..." He leans down until his lips are near my ear. "Because I will be the monster lurking beneath it... Everywhere you go, I'll be there... Who you talk to, I'll know..." He leans back, his cold, emotionless eyes disregarding me as though I'm nothing more then a cockroach needing to be stepped on. "And you're wrong..." He added.
"How so?" I asked turning to watch him as he moves across my room, picking up my phone and punching something into it.
He glares, tossing my phone at my chest. "You haven't seen the worst, because that would have to come from me and trust me when I say, I have guarded you from that side of myself all your fucking life..." His hand is on the door handle as he pulls it open with Gypsy slipping beneath his arm and to the other side. "I've changed phone numbers... Fucking use it..." He said.
"Don't count on it..." I said glaring at him.
"You will..." He said and before I could yell at him some more he slams my door harder than he made his reappearance into my life.
It took me a couple of hours to settle into my room before I got batshit bored and called Jenn. I gave her my dorm details and then waited for her to come up. I still haven't told her about Ryan. I don't really want to, One because she had a massive crush on him when we were kids. And two, I don't know what it really is that Ryan is actually doing back in my life. It's almost too good to be true. I can't trust him the way I used to. He's not the same boy anymore. Now he feels calculated. Like a snake in the grass, waiting to strike.
I looked up when I heard a knock on the door that pulled me out of my Ryan induced thoughts and I swing it open to see Jenn and another girl. Which I remember telling Jenn that I only wanted to talk to her no one else.
The other girl has dark hair and slanted eyes, I'm guessing some sort of Asian background. But I could be wrong so I won't make assumption out loud.
"Yay!" Jenn said loudly pulling me in for hug. I let her, even though she and I both know how much I hate my personal bubble being violated. "Wow, your dorm is so much nicer than mine!" Jenn exclaims.
"Yeah, I wish I had a bunk buddy though..." I said.
"Oh! Speaking of! This is my new one... Faith this is Ellie, Ellie, this is Faith!" Jenn announces, gesturing to the girl beside her.
Ellie nods her head at me. "Hi..." Ellie said.
"So..." Jenn slumps onto my bed. "How did the drive with your mom go? Is she finally okay with you being away from her?" Jenn asked looking like she was taking in my room.
"Ah... She is actually doing much better... The drive was fine, but then Ryan showed up and it..." I started to say but then snapped my mouth shut at my slip. 'Shit...' I internally scolded.
"Wait!" Jenn stand abruptly from the bed. "Ryan is back?" Jenn said with surprise.
"Who's Ryan?" Ellie asked from behind me, fiddling with the photo I've already place on my dresser of the 5 of us on the boat when we were younger.
I turn away from her and the question. No way do I want to discuss Ryan with a stranger. Jenn should have known better than to bring her here, but then again, she doesn't know anything about Ryan.
"He came home last weekend for his birthday and told us that he had been with a motorcycle club for the past 4 years..." I explained.
"Oh my god..." Jenn drools, her mouth wide open. "Is he hotter than he was when we were younger?" Jenn asked in a seriousness, like that was the most important thing to know.
I rolled my eyes at Jenn and tried not to show them how deeply affected I really was by his sudden presence in my life. "Seriously? You don't actually want an answer to that, do you?" I said with a raised eyebrow.
"Why wouldn't I? He's always been on my list..." Jenn then turns to Ellie, her eyes all wide and starry as she starts talking about Ryan. "Man you should have seen him, Ell... This guy, even back then as a teenager, he was fucking sexy... All tall and tone, with dark hair and the bluest eyes you ever saw..." Jenn practically gushes.
"Certainly sounds sexy as hell... And this is Faith's brother?" Ellie asked looking at me.
"Foster brother..." I hissed. "Can we get off this subject? I've had enough of Ryan for one lifetime..." I grumbled.
That is a lie that Jenn would probably see through, but not me.
"Seriously? What does he look like now? Tell me!" Jenn all but begged.
"Jesus! You really wanna know? He's sexier than he was back then... Happy?" I 'd meant to sound all huffy and sarcastic, but somehow it just sounded, true.
Jenn pretends to swoon and collapses onto my bed. I just shake my head at her.
"What club is he with?" Ellie asked.
I had to fight the urge to hiss at her. "What? Oh, Ah, I don't remember... Nor do I care either... I just want him to leave me alone... After all... He was the one who abandoned me not the other way around..." I grumbled the last part. I don't want to tell them any more than I already have. Not that I care if they find him hot, just that I don't want to be talking about him right now. "Can we change the subject?" I asked with a slight hiss. "Like food? Where can we get food?" I asked.
~~Diner~~
After we left the dorm, we found a small place off campus. I slip into the booth and scanned over the menu.
"So what else had Ryan been doing?" Jenn asked. I ignored her. I can't do the song and dance to Ryan's tune today. Or ever.
The waitress comes over to our table. I'm thankful for the distraction. "I'll have the double cheeseburger with fully loaded fries, please..." I asked.
Jenn huffs, "Fine... But we are going out this weekend... Right Ellie?" Jenn asked.
"Yup... There's a spot I go to every weekend... I'll pick Faith up..." Ellie said.
I glare up at her, something about her gives me an uneasy feeling. "No..." I said as I dive into my burger, ignoring their talks of what boys are what in the school.
"Don't mind her... I'll get her to come..." Jenn says before continuing on.
"Don't count on it..." I grumbled with a roll of my eyes.
To say that I'm not interested is probably an understatement. My sex life is something I protect, so I zone out and dig into my fries. I pop another fry in my mouth. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see the door open, but I don't pay it any attention.
I look to Jenn, whose eyes are over Ellie's shoulder and the new group who just sauntered in. I lean over to see who she's gawking at. I notice them immediately. A bunch of well-built guys sitting not far from us. Jenn certainly has a talent for scoping out where the hot men are. Seriously, it's a talent. Then her eyes meet mine and she smiles. I gulp as she bats her eyelashes at me and when I look back at the group, I find a couple of them already watching us. Well, probably Jenn more then me.
She's the beautiful red-haired bombshell with great tits and I'm the weird looking brunette with creepy eyes. Jenn has always said I'm completely oblivious when it comes to my appearance and I'm every guy's wet dream. I don't buy it. She's my best friend, of course she's going to say that.
I lazily scan the group, when one guy catches my eye who is watching me carefully. His scruffy blonde hair reminds me of ancient ash and his dark eyes are like magnetic orbs, pulling me in. He has tanned skin, broad shoulders and the face structure of a GQ Model. He's attractive. Actually, that's an iniquitous understatement. He's hot as fucking sin, and I'd gladly kneel at church on Sunday for devouring that. Instantly, I ignore my thoughts and the direction to which they went. I can't afford to have crushes. Not now, not ever.
"Faith!" Now it's Jenn's turn to demand my attention.
"Hmm?" I asked. Jenn looks between me and the guy and then smirks. Zoning out on a hot guy isn't such a bad thing butt when you have a best friend who like to call you out on everything is.
"Ah, I see... Well, don't stop your eye fuck on my account..." Jenn said in a teasing yet seductive tone.
Ellie looks over he shoulder, finally figuring out what we're staring at. I notice she visibly stills, her face falling before she turns back to face me. "I wouldn't even try... My sister knows them, and they're not what they appear to be..." Ellie said offhandedly.
"Wasn't going to..." I hissed.
After we finished up with our food, we all stand and made our way to the door. The whole time, I can feel eyes on us. It's because of Jenn. She does this and it drives me fucking insane. I hate going anywhere with her. Like a magnet, I turn toward them in passing but my eyes fall on the ash blonde again and heart speeds up in my chest. No smile, no frown, he's simply observing me. I don't know if it's intimidating or turning me on, I settle for the latter because again I can't afford to be turned on.
The cold air slaps me across the face when we step outside the diner making our way to Ellie's beat up Honda. I said we could take my car, but Ellie insisted on hers. Still didn't trust her. Something was off about her.
"So, my mom and dad are those gross parents who have been together for like way too long..." Ellie addresses, for god knows why. "It's actually so disturbing because they still make out at breakfast..." Ellie continues on.
"I want that one day..." Jenn sighed.
"Well, you won't get that from any of the guys in there..." Ah, so that's where she was going with that.
"You don't like them much, huh?" I meant it as a joke, but as soon as it leaves my mouth, I hear the snark in my tone.
"No I don't..." Ellie confirms, taking us onto the highway.
"Why?" I asked just for the hell of it.
"Let's just say it's in your best interest not to go there..." Ellie said making me raise an eyebrow at her words.
~~Later That Night~~
Sunday, I spent the day gathering all of my books that I'll need for Monday, which includes but not limited to meal prepping. I'm climbing into bed at the end of the day when my phone lights up on the bedside table. I reach for it aimlessly, knowing it will be Jenn. She's probably drunk.
"Hello?" I answer the phone sleepily.
"Faith..." Dread fills my body from the sound of the voice.
"Y-Y-Yes..." I stammered quickly.
"I need you... Meet me downstairs now..." I heard him say.
"I can't... I ha..." I try to get out of it.
"Now!" He growled.
"Okay..." I whisper, my voice dropping to a deathly level.
After hanging up, I clutch the phone to my chest and lay there for a few seconds. I will never be free of this life. Shackled by his initials. I will never be free to live my life. He's always made it very clear that I will never be free. I'll always be indebted to him, and I'll always have to make myself available to him.
I fling the blanket off my body and tiptoe around my room like I would at home anytime I needed to sneak away. I grab my phone and flick off another text to him.
"Would you like me suited up?" ~Faith
Chewing my lip nervously, I wait on his answer.
"No." ~?
I choke on my breathing. Knowing he's right downstairs waiting in his fancy SUV is enough to suck the life out of me.
Breathe in and out.
'You've done this thousands of times, Faith... Pull it together...' I swallow the lump in my throat, pushing my phone and dorm key into my pocket. I make my way downstairs. I didn't want too start my college year like this. I didn't. It takes me one second to find his car idling near the curb.
I walk straight for it and open the passenger door before sliding into the soft, warm leather. "I wasn't expecting you here tonight..." I whispered looking down at my lap.
His hand come to my cheek, his thumb caressing across my lip where he tugs on it gently. "I can't have my Bunny start her college year without a big bang..." He said as he licked his lips.
I clear my throat, but vomit almost surfaces, so I force it down my throat to contain it. I'm used to this. It has happened to me every single day almost immediately after Ryan left. I don't know why it started. I don't ask and he doesn't tell, mentally caged in a cell with no exit. But somewhere in those 4 years, things shifted. It turned into something more without anything additional on my part.
'I got used to it...' The first time it happened, he snuck into my house, into my room. I remember the time because my clock flashed brightly on my bedside table. 3:05 a.m. I hate 3:05 a.m. Now.
~~Flashback - 4 Years Ago~~
He didn't speak at first. His hand caressed my thigh from beneath the covers, his cold Rolex igniting goose bumps all over my flesh. He fucked me that night. Forced himself inside of me in one thrust. I yelped but he slammed his hand over my mouth to stop any more noise. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. I was 15 years old and up until that night, he meant something to me.
Darkness welcomed me during a time that I needed to feel safe, now I bathe in it to keep me sane. Light doesn't give a fuck about the damned, so with the damned, I stayed. I remember the colored dots that danced around the room as pain rippled between my thighs. He tore my walls apart with a single thrust, so I rebuilt them with the pain and blood that he took from me. He never spoke.
I felt his damp cock press in and out of me, like a knife twisting and turning in an open wound. Tears poured out of eyes, but he didn't stop. Finally, he slowed enough for me to feel him pulse inside of me. He pushed himself up, extracting himself and bent down between my thighs kissing the blood from my now exposed and violated area.
"I'm going to teach you so many things, Faith... You'll learn to love it eventually... Crave it even... You'll learn to submit to me whenever I come calling... Clean yourself up..."
~~Flashback End~~
I flinched, but I knew better than to pull away from his touch. The second time he raped me, I tried to pull away from him. He made me pay for it, but not in a way you'd expect him to. John had an art to which he abused his victims and I was his everlasting paintbrush. He'd use me to paint his new victims and then hand me to the next to borrow. He'd say I was special, that my strokes were unlike any he had seen before. I wanted to burn the whole art studio down along with everyone inside of it.
"Spend the night with me and I'll drop you off here early in the morning... I have a hotel... Soundproof walls..." He grins and pulls us out of the parking lot.
I focus out the window and watch as young people laugh with their friends. They have no idea how lucky they are. Oblivious to the kind of evil that exists among them, which is why I could never have a crush on any boys. Regardless of how hot they are or how they make me feel.
~~Hotel Room~~
The hotel is nice, but of course it is. Penthouse, rich red colors and glass windows that over look Hollywood Boulevard.
John hands me a glass filled with amber-colored liquid, loosening his tie. His blue eyes meet mine, so blue. So familiar. I shoot back the rest of the liquid, ignoring the burn that settles in the back of my throat.
"Thank you..." I whisper once my voice is stable.
"On your knees..." He demands. I obey, sinking to the floor. "Remove your clothes..." He tosses his tie across the room removing his belt. He slaps the belt across the palms of his hands a few times and then his eyes to mine as he places it onto the bed. "Your brother is back..." He growls.
"He is..." I say softly, peering up at John from beneath my lashes.
His hand comes to my cheek as his thumb grazes over my lips. "So beautiful Bunny..." He said. My stomach churns. He comes down to my level and slowly lefts me off the ground, placing me onto the bed, stepping back to take in my nakedness. His hand dips beneath his pants as he pulls himself out and pumps, his eyes on my body.
"All of it belongs to me, doesn't it?" He asked.
I swallow hard, nodding my head. "Yes..." I answered.
"Spread your legs..." He demands.
I do, widening them until he's standing between with one hand running over my nipple. Every time his palm skims over my breasts softly, I bite down on the inside of my cheek until my mouth pools with metallic blood. I need the pain to distract me from the way his gentle touches violates my soul. He falls down on me until I'm flat on my back. His cock at my entrance, his tender kisses falling all over my neck as he slides inside of me.
Sexual abuse comes in all colors of the rainbow, it's not just black and white. He continues his assault, the same dance that I've learned and move to effortlessly now. He flips me over, taking me from behind, to the side, me on top, him back on top, the positions change, but one things always remains. The temperament of his lovemaking remains mellow and sensual. It's the kind of sex you'd have with someone you love wholeheartedly, with your husband or your wife.
It was after the 4th time that I realized why he did it like this. Because he didn't just want my body. He was fighting for my soul too. He would never have it. I've hidden it away in a place where no man would ever venture in to retrieve it. The only problem is, now no one would find it.
~~Next Morning – Faith's Dorm~~
The next morning, I'm standing under a hot shower as the water trickles over my aching body. He may take it slow, but he makes sure to do it for hours. And hours. And hours on end. I shiver climbing out and as soon as I'm back in my room, I slam my door closed and squeeze my towel.
Day 1 of freshman year at a new college. I make my way to my makeup bag and get started. This routine is natural for me. Conceal, fake a smile. Makeup is the curtain I hide behind, as if it confuses people who try to peek into the real me. If only I could confuse myself too.
~~Friday Night~~
The first week of college went fast. I found that my classes were pretty easy to get to despite the fact that the campus was a lot bigger than I had initially assumed during orientation day.
It's Friday now and I'm dreading getting ready to go out to whatever it is Ellie has us planned on going to. It took Jenn 3 days to finally convince me to even go. Originally I didn't want to. I still don't but I agreed just to get her to stop.
I didn't hear from John all week, though, so that in itself is something worth celebrating. We're riding in Ellie's car to the other side of LA when Jenn hands me a flask. I take big sips before handing it back. My drinking got worse when Ryan left. I found the more I drank, the deeper I fell down a hole that swallowed all of me, my pain included. I'm one big gaping wound and alcohol just so happens to be the band-aid. It could have been worse. I could have turned to snow.
I rub my hands up and down my thighs. Jenn wouldn't allow me to wear my normal jeans and hoodie, she made me wear something that stands out, something get me noticed which I didn't want to but I found out a long time ago there is no arguing with her when it comes to certain things. So, I designed on a red plaid skirt that has 3 chains on the one side, with black capri leggings that had lace at the ends, a black spaghetti strap tank top with my black leather jacket over top, with black high heeled sandals. My hair is down in waves down my back. My makeup heavy but not too heavy, I don't look goth or anything but I do have black mascara, eyeliner, with dark gray and black eye shadow along with scarlet red lipstick.
"God! I can't with your perfect fucking tits!" Jenn purrs.
"What the fuck are you talking about? Yours are huge!" I said shaking my head.
"So!" Her hands come to my breasts and she squeezes them. "Fake ones always look better!" I whack her hands away and roll my eyes. If only she knew why and how I came about getting fake tits.
"So are you going to tell us where we're going?" I said leaning forward to rest my elbows on the center console.
"It's a surprise..." Ellie's eyes come to mine in the rear view mirror. A few seconds pass between us before she focuses back on the road.
Weird.
"Hey, Faith, you know those varsity players we saw at the diner Last week?" Jenn asked looking over her shoulder.
"Yeah?" I said wondering where she wad going with this.
"Well, one of them has been asking about you..." Jenn says with a purr. Yes, she's drunk again.
I freeze. "What? How do you know?" My heart skips a few beats. I'm embarrassed by how attracted I was to him. Jenn flashes her phone in front of my face.
"Because I'm fucking his best friend, also known as the linebacker..." Jenn said like it's no big deal.
"You didn't take long..." I teased.
"Would expect anything less?" Jenn asked matter-of-factly.
"Actually... No..." My thought began drifting. I'm envious of Jenn. She has the life that people think I have. I pulled on the end of my sleeve of my jacket trying to fight the urge to scratch at the newly formed scab. Too much stress. Specially after the night with John.
"Anyway! His name is Jason Packs... He's the star quarterback... You should stalk him on Instagram... He's already following you and me, so let's take a selfie and upload it!" Jenn said practically bouncing her seat.
I take a long slip of whatever this is in her flask, and let her take the selfies, handling her back the flask as Ellie takes a turn onto an industrial street. I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone, opening Instagram.
4 New Followers. 3 Messages.
I ignore the messages and go to the followers. J_Packs Started following you. My thumb hovers over the follow back button.
"Fuck it..." I muttered mainly to myself. I hit the button and then quickly shove my phone into my back pocket.
The car begins to slow outside trade buildings. Some mechanic garages, others I can't make out at this time of night. Ellie pulls up to a high wired gate that takes up multiple spaces. It's definitely the biggest area down this street.
A young skinny guy and a bigger man stand guard at the front. I still can't see that much, and I'm semi-distracted by Jason.
Jason. Even his name is hot. Maybe I can play it out a bit. But broken girls like me don't perfection like Jason. Boys like him are reserved for girls like him.
The car is moving inside the gates now, where the music is spilling out. To the right, there's a covered parking area where bikes are lined. So many bikes. Behind those, there's a 6 car garage. To the left, there's another covered area where there is a fighting octagon, tables and chairs, a boxing bag and more people. In the middle, there's a massive bonfire burning and behind that is a 2 story house. It's large, with a porch and a swing. It looks like something you would find in the suburbs, not down an industrial street.
"Ellie!" I tap her shoulder. "Where are we?" I growled. I had a bad feeling I was ready to tell her to pull over and let me out.
"You'll see..." She said making me want to pounce on her and beat it out of her. But before I can even think of it the car stops. They both climbed out like it's nothing and I hesitantly slip out behind Jenn.
Shit.
My black heels click over the concrete ground as the heavy metal music wreaked havoc on my ear drums. I take another step. Everything starts connecting in my head as I begin to make out the shirts the guys are wearing. It's not until we're directly at the start of the side garage when I freeze. Blood draining from my face. My hand shoots out to Jenn.
"I Can't be here!" I hissed with a growl.
Jenn turns, rolling her eyes. She hooks her arm in mine, tucking it closer to her. That's when I finally see what's going on inside. Drunk bikers and naked women sucking off random body parts. There's a large metal emblem hanging above the bar that reads: Wolf Pack MC
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My heart beats in my chest, my breathing matching every thud. I spin around to run out of the garage and find a different way home when I crash into a hard chest. A curse flies through my head, but all I can think of is that I need to get the hell out of here as fast as I can. The hands that steady me are gentle and my hands are responding to the hard muscle underneath them. I haven't even seen his face yet and I know already he's going to be attractive as hell.
Everything about him draws me in, but sadly I don't have the luxury of hanging around and ogling. An inferno of flames lick around me, the sick smell of rich cologne, subtle soap, burned cigarettes and worn leather infiltrate into me.
I rub my cheek. "Sorry..." Then my eyes travel up landing on... "Ryan!?" I squeaked
"Kitten..." His eyes go over my shoulder and I turn to see who he's looking at. He winks at Ellie, who raises her glass in the air. Then my eyes find Jenn, who is studying me with fearful eyes. Before I can bring my attention back to Ryan, his lips find my ear and his voice coaxes me like an open box of memories. "So glad Ellie got you here safely..." I snap out of it bringing my attention up to him. He leans down, so we're at eye level. "Heard you've been making new friends..." He said making me want to smack that damn smirk off his face.
"What? I'll Leave... I didn't want to come here to begin with..." I said as I attempted to step away from him.
"Nah... You just got here..." He chuckled. The slight enmity in his tone doesn't go unnoticed. His eyes fine Jenn. "Jenn looks good too..." He said.
"I'm leaving..." I growled. I go to shove past him but his arm flies out and before I can shove him away, he's tossing me over his shoulder. I have his shoulder pressing against my belly.
"No, you're not Kitten..." Ryan said as he carried me off.
~~Inside The Club~~
He drops me down onto one of the sofa's that are tucked near the billiard table.
"Billy!" Ryan calls out, his eyes never straying from mine. "Make sure Jenn has a place to sleep..." Ryan yells over his shoulder. No. No. I got to stand, but he rams me back down, his powerful arms rippling as they drop to either side of my body. "You will not fucking move Kitten, and you will do as you're told..." Ryan growled.
"Or what?" I snap, tears building behind my eyes. I won't show him the pain that lies beneath my resentment. He'll only use that as a weapon. He eyes search mine, a smirk flashing across his mouth.
"Or I'll hurt you..." Ryan simply said.
"You wouldn't..." I hissed.
"Hmmm... There's so much you don't know about me now, Kit..." He leans down closer, the curve on the corner of his lips deepening. "So. Fucking. Much..." He pushes up from the sofa. "You'll be stayin' with me tonight... Don't fucking fight me on this..." He disappears into the masses of people making his way to the bar that's at the back.
I turn on the spot, trying to find a way out of here when Jenn waves a few feet away and catches my attention. She looks really nervous but I know that it's because of me. She might have actually loved this party if it hadn't been for Ryan and his complicated relationship with me.
"We can run..." She drops down on the sofa, her leg pressing against mine.
I shake my head, defeat seeping into my bones. "It won't matter... He will chase us... We'll just wait it out until morning..." I said defeat clear in my voice.
"Man..." Jenn mumbles crossing her leg on top of the other while unscrewing her flask. "I thought he would still be all about his little pet, but I'm wrong..." Her words, they feel like a confirmation. It's not as though I need one, but it's still hard to hear. I hate that it is, but that's just what came up inside me when she said what she said. I try not to let my feelings show, however.
"Yeah, well, I'm definitely not his pet anymore... If I ever was in the first place... And besides, he's not the same Ryan that left..." I said fighting back the tears that wanted to escape.
"No? How has he changed?" Jenn asked.
If I only had the answer to that question. I'd spent some time thinking about it, but I still didn't know how to explain it. "Beats the shit out of me... All I know is that boy he used to be has been replaced by..." I began but Jenn cut me off.
"A hot sexy biker with tattoos all over? Because I think it's an improvement..." I rolled my eyes at her, and try to finish my thought. She's not exactly wrong. Ryan is certainly sexier than he was when he left. But he'd been a boy then. Now, he was something different. A man and a monster all rolled into one.
"He's evil..." I simply said.
The word slip out before I can stop them, and predictably, Jenn gives me a look that tells me she clearly thinks I'm being dramatic. Well, whatever she wouldn't understand anyway. Suddenly I know I need to speak with him.
"Stay here..." I stand from the sofa and shove through the swarm of bodies.
The age difference is diverse, ranging from my age to our parents age to older and younger. I head for the bar, because that's where I saw Ryan head when I slam into a rock hard back.
"Sorry..." I whisper rubbing my head. A man who looks to be in his late 50's is standing at the bar. He turns around to face me and that's when I get a full view of him.
His jaw is a little too square and his eyes are partially slanted. I thought there was something familiar about him though. "You must be Faith..." His voice is soft, from years of being doused in smoke.
"Yes? You know me? Who are you?" I asked.
"Name's Lion..." He answered.
"Lion?" I asked though I know I shouldn't. He's scary and not likely to answering questions.
"Faith!" Ryan snaps from behind me taking my hand in his and pulling me away. "Stop fucking wondering off..." Ryan growled.
Before I can argue, he's dragging me through the sea of bodies and taking me up toward a set of stairs that lead to a second level.
I yank my hand out of his grip. "Who do you think you are Ryan!? You can't just force your way back into my life and hold me captive!" I reach inside my pocket just as he slams the bedroom door closed behind us. "I'm calling mom..." I said.
"Yeah?" His tone is menacing, the smug half grin on his face is too cocky to be the Ryan I knew. The Ryan that cared for me. I have to force everything inside of me to not shiver in fear. "Do it..." He holds me to my spot with a his glare. "See if she believes you..." My shoulders sag in defeat.
"What happened to you..." I whispered out loud searching his face. The face I once looked at for reassurance and strength is now the one I feel I should fear.
"Who me?" Ryan kicks off the door and after a couple of steps, his biker boots are hitting tip of my sandals. "You is what happened, Kitten..." I can't fight it, and even if I wanted to I couldn't force my eyes away from his. The depth of his blue is deep enough to drown me. "Get on the bed..." He demanded. His tone made me want to shiver. It was the same tone He always used.
"Why am I here though?" I ask falling back onto the mattress.
Ryan takes out a pack of smokes from his back pocket and flips open the case to take one out. "You are the one who walked in here... So willing to make new friends... Ellie was a test to see how easily persuaded you could be, and I gotta say, Kitten, you fucking failed..." Ryan said.
Leaning up, I snatch one out while scowling at him and put it into my mouth. He watches in fascination as I light the tip and inhale. "I've made a lot of friends since you've been gone, Rye..." I inhale the cigarette before allowing the smoke to exit between my scarlet red lips. "So many..." I said offhandedly.
He blazes the tip and sucks in deeply while remaining passive on me. I watch as the smoke curls around his nose, up past his eyes and over his head. "Hmmm..." He said.
"Hmm? That's it?" I cock my eyebrow. My fingers flex in the palms of my hands. "No, 'Who the fuck are you talking to Faith'?" I asked.
Ryan drags over the chair that's tucked beneath a office desk, taking a seat and resting his elbows on his knees. "Told you, don't give a fuck about you or that bullshit anymore... Do what you want, but don't make waves that will have the same waters spilling into my clubhouse... For years, people thought I was an orphan, with no family... Now you're in my city... You abide by my rules..." Ryan said.
"How tragic..." I dropped the cigarette onto the carpet and squish it with the heel of my shoe. "You stole my life and I stole yours..." I said.
"Stop testing my patience, Faith..." Ryan growled.
I tilt my head. "Is there something you know that I don't? You come back into my life after 4 years..." I'm on my feet walking around the room while touching pointless things. This isn't his room. Well, it is, but he doesn't live here. It's too impersonal for it to be Ryan's full-time room.
"Kitten..." He mumbles my nickname and my fingers momentarily pauses over a stack of motorcycle magazines. "Kit..." He repeats and this time I spin to face him.
"Fucking what, Ryan?" I snapped at him.
He stands to his full height, and takes the 2 steps he needed to reach me. His fingers flex around the tip on my chin, tilting my head up so that my eyes collide with his.
"I'm not the same boy you knew before..." His touch is soft, yet his words are harsh. "For 1..." I hold my breath as his eyes search mine. So, so, blue. His tongue sneaks out and glides over his teeth. "I'm meaner..." He releases me, pushing me so hard that I fall back onto the bed. Before I can say anything else, he's on top of me with his hand covering my mouth.
Leather, cigarettes, cologne. I can't help it when the first tear sneaks out from the side of my eye, because he's right. I don't know who this man is staring down at me. The same vessel, different soul. The man standing in front of me right now haunts me with his resemblance of the boy I knew. He eyes narrow on mine before he pushes off my body and stand back to his feet.
His jaw flexes. "You can fucking leave if you want... Think my point is made..." Ryan said turning away from me.
I've always been able to see when Ryan is lying. His lies hang between the crack that he keeps hidden from everyone. Everyone but me. So I see it. I see everything he hides.
I stand back to my feet. 'Compose yourself...' I internally said. "Well, you've gotten theatrical with your tactics, I'll give you that..." I said crossing my arms over my chest.
There's a knock on the door. "Psycho!" A young voice bellows through the old wood. "Yo, we got a problem!" Ryan studies my facial features, his eyes falling to my lips.
"Don't fucking do anything to piss me off... I'm not a kid anymore... I will fuck you up..." He reaches for the door handle and his face falls passive.
As I make my way back down the wooden stairs, reacquainting myself with the stench of whiskey and cigarettes, I can't stop thinking how much he has changed. I can see both Ryan's in my mind's eye. The one I loved and the one who's here now. One I still care for and the other, well, he terrifies me. Thankfully, I'm able to shake off my thoughts when Jenn finds me through the crowd.
She gestures me toward the leather sofa that's hidden in the corner. The same one Ryan pushed me into. "What are you going to say, Jenn?" I asked already knowing what's coming.
"Ryan is WAY hotter than he was 4 years ago! Okay!" She exhales, tipping her head back to swallow whatever is in her glass. At what point should I cut her off? "I can't even deny it, and I'm sorry..." I ignored her, leaning back against the sofa while blowing out an exhausted breath of air.
"He said he's not keeping us here... It was all some stupid test to see how gullible you were..." It was that exact moment Ellie came up, hiding her face behind a bottle of pre-mixer.
I narrow my eyes. "Why?" I hissed.
"What Psycho wants, Psycho gets... That's how it works around here..." Her focus floats over my shoulder, a smile creeping onto her mouth. "How do you know him anyway?" Ellie asked, her eyes cutting back to me. I'm trying to figure out her next move.
She's probably sleeping with him. He has always had trouble keep his dick dry, and Ellie is pretty. The fact that he's still playing his usual games, only on a different level shouldn't bother me as much as it does.
I glared at her. "Ryan's my brother, you dense bitch!" My face remains frozen, bored.
"Reow... You guys don't look similar... Like at all..." Ellie said in wonder.
Jenn scoffs, shaking her head. She turns to face Ellie. "Question, do you and Ryan have a little something going on?" Jenn asked clearly drunk.
Ellie shakes her head. "No, but he does have a little whatever going on with someone else... Pretty sure she thinks she's going to marry him or some shit..." Ellie said waving her hand dismissively.
My muscles seize. Just as Jenn whips her head to where I'm sitting. "Really? I can assure you, that is most likely about to change..." Jenn said eyeing me carefully.
I can feel recklessness seep into my bones, my head pounding as quickly as my heart. He still sleeps around. He may still be like that, but he has another thing coming if he thinks I'm the same girl who will tolerate the same shit. I'll lay another man flat on his back on the very same ground I used to worship Ryan on.
"Well, you can tell his little side-piece that she's deluding herself... Ryan Cater or Psycho or whatever the fuck he's calling himself these days is not the marrying kind... Even if he were, he still wouldn't be able to keep his dick out of stray cunt..." I was fuming.
Jenn give a low whistle, but Nellie looks genuinely taken back by my words. She stares at me as though she's not sure how to feel. "I mean... You don't know that... Doesn't seem like you and Psycho are very close anymore..." Ellie tries to reason.
"We don't have to be... I grew up with him... I know his deepest nature... I'm under his skin and I always will be... No matter how much he changes..." I scan the area looking around. Looking for trouble.
I don't know where Ryan has gone, but there's one thing that I do know and that's no matter what he says, I don't think he would let anyone hurt me. He may be a cruel god, but he'd never let his disciples hurt me. At the very least, I'm willing to test that theory.
Ellie hands me a shot of vodka, for liquid courage and points around the room. "That's Lion... He's the president and best friend of Psycho... They're so tight it turns me on..." She paused, pointing to another. "That's Gypsy... He's a total fucking idiot who manages to sleep with Victoria's Secret models on the weekends... And that's no lie... Before dealing with club business right after..." She said.
"I've met him..." I said brushing him to the side.
"Oh... Okay... Uh and the guy beside Gypsy is Wicked..." As soon as the name leaves her lips, I find myself watching his move.
Wicked.
Oh.
His features hold me captive for a moment. He's definitely beautiful, but it's more than that. I can't look away because I'm trying to figure out why he looks so familiar to me. He stares right back, checking me out. And to be honest, I don't mind the attention. But I can't seem to place him. It leaves a nagging feeling at the back of my mind.
"Hmm... Interesting... Tell me about Wicked..." I practically purred.
Something that doesn't involve how I know him. As I take in Wicked's hard features and the stone cold eyes, my stomach flips. As if sensing my gawking, he turns his head, his dark hair glossing against the lightning. He's wearing a black hoodie and black jeans. His combat boots are tied loosely at his feet, the dried mud over the rubber edges displaying how dirty he obviously gets.
"Wicked doesn't really talk... He addressed people with his movements, unless you're one of the holy ones that he speaks to, which is usually only the brothers... The disrespect is real with that one, so I wouldn't even try..." Ellie said.
Even more interesting. "You don't say..." I purred. The corner of my lips twitched.
Wicked's eyes are on mine and my stomach hits the floor as he directs his bleak orbs down my body, right to the tips of my toes. I feel the tingles fizzle through my veins as he slowly brings his ice blues back up, thick lashes fanning over his high cheekbones. Wicked is probably by far one of the most beautiful looking male specimens I have ever seen. Ryan is a nightmare wrapped in a dream but Wicked is the devil's pet.
Tipping my head back to swallow my shot, I bring my eyes to Ellie and away from Wicked. "Interesting..." I said.
"Wicked? No. Nope. He's pretty to look at but Psycho is more my speed..." Ellie said.
I can't help it and with all the alcohol pulsing through my veins, I can't stop it. Laughter rolls out of my mouth.
"Something funny?" Ellie asked as if insulted. She should be. I'm straight up laughing at her.
"No..." I look to Jenn, ignoring Ellie. "Ready to go?" I asked.
She watches me with careful eyes, aware of my sudden shift in attitude. "Okay..." Jenn answered.
After sneaking out of the clubhouse and catching an Uber, I'm once again back in the safety of my covers in my dorm. I feel as though I'm finally able to catch up with everything that happened tonight. From thinking of how Ryan had kidnapped me, to seeing Wicked.
My phone vibrates on top of my dresser, and I grab at it to see I have a missed couple of text messages. Seeing an unknown number, I open that one first.
"We're not done" ~?
I chew on my bottom lip, the light from my phone is killing my vision. I move away from his to one from John.
"Be ready by 6 tomorrow. Expect a parcel." ~John
I exhale, my fingers hovering over Ryan's text. Before I can stop myself, my fingers are flying over my screen furiously.
"We were done the day you abandoned me." ~Faith
I think about waiting for his reply, with a belly for of anxiety, but before I can drop my phone back onto my bedside table and get some much needed sleep. He texts back.
"Yeah?" ~Ryan
I ignore his vague text, shoving my phone under my pillow and finally resting my eyes.