Chapter 2:
I stopped running when I came to a small clearing in the woods. The apple was starting to take it's toll on my stomach and I decided here would be as good a place as any to expel the vile intrusion from my system. I could count on one hand the amount of times that I had consumed human food during my vampire life. It was not a pleasant experience going down, or coming back up. Our kind didn't get sick, but this was definitely the closest we ever came to feeling that way.
When I was done, and the small stint of nausea had passed, I started hunting. I let my senses take over and headed toward a small heard of deer to the northeast. I took down a buck first, and then a smaller doe. Between relieving myself of the apple, and quenching the burn in my throat, I was feeling better than I had in a while. I ran back over to the lifeless buck and cracked off a large portion of one of the antlers to take home with me. Today was the day I decided to take my life into my own hands, and I guess I wanted a token to remind me of that. I'd already spent the last sixty years of my life being constantly watched and monitored, I didn't really want the next sixty to be the same. The real pill I needed to swallow was that maybe I was so used to others watching over me, somewhere along the line I stopped trying to look out for myself. I had to take responsibility for that. It was time for me to have a talk with Edward, Alice, and Carlisle. To find a better way moving forward.
The run home was exhilarating. I almost felt lighter and my determination carried me quicker than usual. I didn't hunt or run alone very often, and I realized how much I liked having the time to think and clear my head. Maybe I would do it more often. I was ready to have this talk with my family, running over what I would say in my head, and forming my counter arguments for when they undoubtedly would disagree. However, my plans changed as I neared our house.
When I got close enough to sense the emotions of my family, I realized something was wrong. I slowed my pace and took a moment to read the situation. The energy was off. The group as a whole was exuding anxiety and generally negative emotions. I stopped to sort each of my family's feelings individually. Edward was projecting his the strongest, anger and frustration leading the emotional parade. Carlisle was concerned, as was Esme, though she was also deeply worried and saddened. Alice was an anxious bundle of tension, and that made it hard to work out the rest of her feelings. Rosalie was mostly bored, which was typical, she was also slightly irritated. Emmett's emotions were actually calm. Slightly amused even. He didn't take most things seriously, so that didn't help me decipher anything. I came inside and noticed that Edward and Alice had their suitcases packed by the front door.
"What's going on?" I said, cautiously. The tension in the air was thick and swirling. Something was bound to pop the bubble soon, and I hoped my ill timed entry wouldn't be the catalyst.
"We're leaving." Edward said through gritted teeth, glaring at me. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides. I was a little stunned to feel that some of his anger was directed at me, though Alice was also receiving her fair share.
"Only for a little while, we'll be back in a week." Alice said, with a sad smile. Everyone else remained silent and statue still. I was starting to feel uncomfortable.
"What… did I miss?" I finally said after a moment or two of hesitation, looking to Edward. Everyone else was looking nervously between us. Alice stepped in front of him and was the first to speak up.
"It's… the new girl, Bella. I had a vision of Edward killing her right after lunch in their biology class." she said, looking away. I could have sworn I felt my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. My ears began to ring.
"Is she okay?" I blurted out , though I knew the answer. We would all be packing our bags if she had become his victim, but I needed to hear it out loud.
"Obviously." Edward scoffed, his ego taking a hit from my insinuation. I relaxed slightly. I knew I shouldn't care, but I felt relieved.
"We left right after you did, before anything could happen. She's, well - her blood will smell very… intense to him. He will hardly be able to resist himself if he has to be around her. Do you remember when Emmett came across that woman in New Orleans? It's like that, but worse. Edward's just… a little bit worked up from having to see himself kill her so violently in my vision. He doesn't want to believe he is capable of that." Alice said, taking Edward's hand. He yanked it away and refused to look at her.
"I'm not! This is ridiculous!" he yelled, throwing his hands up and beginning to pace the floor. I don't think I'd ever saw him in such a state of crisis before. Vampires didn't normally pace the floor. He was coming undone. I had to hold back a smirk. Now I knew where Emmett's amusement was coming from. Alice ignored his outburst and continued.
"Jasper, in order to get things back to normal, and for Edward to come back to school when we're ready, I need a teeny favor from you. He can't stay in that class with her and I had to make up quite an elaborate reason to get him out of it, but I finally landed on one that will work. Carlisle is going to call the school in the morning and work it out. He can fill you in on the details later, in case anyone asks you about it. Long story short, you'll be swapping biology classes with Edward since you only have a study hall that period. There aren't any other openings. It's the only scenario that works when I look ahead. It's that, or we don't come back until the end of the school year." Alice said, looking at me hopefully. Esme was also looking to me for an answer, desperate to keep her family together. I felt Edward's anger spike before I could agree.
"If I can't control myself Alice, what makes you think he can? It was just a vision! I'm perfectly capable of handling myself. If you don't recall, you saw Jasper murdering that girl at lunch today as well but you're not making him run off to Alaska. If you don't thinkIcan handle being around this girl, why would you choose him out of all of us to take my seat? We will be thousands of miles away and he'll have no one around to smack his hand when he gets to close to the candy. You're only ensuring her death." he snapped. His eyes shooting daggers my way as he stormed past me, knocking his shoulder into mine, before making his way upstairs. A low growl escaped my chest, but I quickly calmed myself down and decided to let it go. I was used to him and his stupid superiority complex, it was just never so blatantly directed at me. Alice glanced at me with her big golden eyes and I could feel both sadness and remorse peeking through her anxiety. Edward had most likely been giving her hell too since she told him they needed to leave. Carlisle came to stand beside me.
"I'm sorry Jasper. I'll go have a word with him." he said, resting a hand on my shoulder for a moment before heading upstairs. Edward's words stung, but part of me agreed with him. I certainly wasn't the strongest one when it came to control. He hardly ever seemed to be bothered around humans, but if this was what Alice saw as the best path forward, then I trusted her. I didn't think she would put me or the girl at risk, if she could see it coming. Somewhere deep down, despite the fit he was throwing, Edward knew it too or he wouldn't have agreed to go. For being around over one-hundred years, he still seemed every bit of 17 sometimes.
I just had to keep myself in line at school and not take any more interest in Bella. I would go to class and simply ignore her. It was one class. I was sure Alice would call me on my cell to warn me if she saw anything come up. It was almost amusing to me that Edward was reacting so childishly over the same treatment I received daily. I looked down at the antler I still awkwardly held in my hands. A reminder that I had walked away today on my own. I could do this. I would do this. I would do whatever Alice needed me to.
"Jazz, take a walk with me?" Alice asked, turning and floating towards the back door, already knowing my answer. The rest of the family was still standing quietly in the living room. I gave them a quick nod before setting my antler down on the floor. I followed her outside and we made our way to the tree line in silence. We walked around the edge for a bit before Alice stopped and grabbed my hand in hers. "I'm sorry for how he's acting. He'll come around. He's just feeling a bit defeated right now. It has nothing to do with you, I hope you know that." She said looking up at me apologetically.
"I know the feeling." I said, looking away. The words came out with a bit more edge than I intended, but I let them hang in the air anyway. I could feel her guilt and remorse.
"I know you planned on talking to us tonight. I saw when you decided on your way here. Jasper I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like a child. I'm glad you want to take more responsibility for yourself, it's time, but please don't feel like it's one-hundred percent your fault. I have been overprotective, but I never meant to make you feel like your independence was lost it's just…" She said, pausing nervously. My normally bubbly Alice was riddled with anxiety and struggling with indecision. She wanted to tell me something. She'd been swimming in these emotions around me lately, and I couldn't figure out why. "It's just - It's for your own good. I promise it will all make sense soon. Trust me. More importantly, trust yourself. I'll see you soon, we have to go." she said before quickly kissing me on the cheek and running towards the house at lightening speed, I blinked and she was gone. I knew she was holding something back, but I'd never get it out of her until she deemed it the perfect time. Alice had the irritating habit of waiting for the right moment to tell you what she thinks you need to know. As controlling as she could be when it came to any hint of danger, she was rather tight lipped when it came to letting us experience the rest of life without constantly letting us know what was to come. She loved seeing us surprised, because she rarely could be.
I walked back to the house at a human pace so I could avoid their departure. Edward needed time to cool down, and I wasn't in the mood for anymore of his hostility. I could hear his Volvo pulling off as I came in through the back door. The chaos seemed to have settled, though everyone was still feeling a little worried. Esme was the most upset, but she was starting to calm down. We all trusted Alice and knew it was best to just ride the wave. Carlisle took her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently to comfort her.
"It's going to be fine dear, they'll be back soon and everything will work out. It was very lucky that Alice was able to stop this from becoming a much worse situation." He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and came over to stand in front of me. "And you're okay with your new Schedule Jasper?" He asked, slightly unsure. I nodded.
"If that's what Alice says, then yeah. I'm fine." I said. He nodded back and gave me a reserved smile. It almost felt like he was holding something back as well, I wondered then if he knew what Alice was hiding. Out of everyone in the family, he was probably the best at masking his emotions when he wanted to. "Carlisle, actually - could I talk to you for a moment?" I asked, looking over at the antler on the floor.
"Of course son, let's go to my study." he said. I grabbed the antler and followed him. His study was one of my favorite places in the house. It was a beautiful grand library, full of old medical books, his favorite novels, and pieces from various eras of history.
He closed the door and went to sit in his chair behind his desk. I stood nervously for a moment. Stalling, I started looking at the dozens of paintings hung perfectly on the wall, though I was already familiar with all of them. He'd told me all the stories that corresponded with each work of art not too long after Alice and I found the Cullen's, telling me the stories of his past. He hung them the same careful way no matter what house we were in. I had always been in awe of everything Carlisle went through to become the man he is now. We were all lucky to have him, his influence had changed all of our lives for the better. What I'd came in here to say got completely derailed, and a much more honest question came out.
"Do you ever wish Alice wouldn't have brought me with her?" the words falling out before I could stop them. I didn't turn to face him. I couldn't. Shock, remorse, love, and sadness filled him. He got up in a flash and came to stand beside me. I still couldn't make myself look away from the paintings and meet his eyes.
"Jasper, why would you ever think that?" He asked. I stayed silent for a moment, it felt like there was a lump in my throat. I tried to swallow it down, my eyes glossed with venom. "Son, I'm so sorry that you would even feel the need to ask. I had always believed you would know better than anyone, just how much we love you." he said, sincerely. The truth is no matter how much I could feel the love and acceptance of my family, I still always felt like the outcast. I was the odd one out. The weak link. The one they had to remind themselves to include. I knew they didn't do it intentionally, it was just easier for all of them to fall into sync. Everyone had their perfect match and I was just kind of floating off in left field.
I'd had a less than desirable relationship in my early years with the woman who turned me. She manipulated me into thinking what we had was love, so that I would do whatever she asked, and I did for many years. I did many things that I'm not proud of while I was under Maria's spell. Escaping from her was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I never looked back. I didn't seek love out, nor did I think about it very often, though decades of being alone still left me feeling isolated at times. Alice had told me soon after we met that my perfect match would come along one day, and I just always trusted her.
"Sometimes I just feel like I don't fit in, and I don't want to be a burden to you all. Everyone's constantly watching me. Waiting for me to slip up, like I'm incapable of being as good as the rest of you. I guess I sometimes wonder if I'm worth all the hassle. If I deserve it." I said, nervously turning to face Carlisle. He let out a long sigh and pulled me into an embrace.
"Jasper, that's just absolutely not true. It's never a hassle or a burden to look after you. You are my family. You and Alice showing up on our doorstep that day was a welcome surprise. I wouldn't want it any other way. You are just as good as any of us because you made the choice to be, like we all have. Even if you've needed a bit more help in the past, you've still done a wonderful job." he said. I hugged him back with my free arm, my other hand still clutching the antler. He smiled at me for a moment before going back to take his seat behind his desk. I followed and sat in the chair on the opposite side. I sat the antler on the desk in front of me with a thud. Carlisle looked at me with curiosity, raising one eyebrow.
"Well that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. Today I left school on my own and hunted." I said proudly, though I knew I probably sounded childish. I shouldn't have to run to dad proudly every time I didn't kill someone at school, but I didn't care. I was still proud of myself, and this felt different somehow. Like the start of something good for me.
"Son, that's wonderful but - please tell me you're not going to start bringing home dead animal bits like Emmett used to. I can't take the bickering that will ensue with your mother." he said seriously, yet slightly amused. Both of our minds were no doubt revisiting memories of the many hunting trophies that Emmett had brought home over the years. There was the bear skin rug that he handcrafted years ago and displayed proudly before Esme accidentally dumped a bucket of paint on it during a renovation. Then there was the racoon skin hat he made and wore every hunt for most of the eighty's, declaring each time that he was Davy Crockett. That bit the dust one day when Edward got annoyed with him and ripped the tail off. There was also the mounted buck head he preserved himself and insisted on hanging in the last house, Rose had actually been the one to put her foot down on that one, though there was no doubt that Esme would have if she didn't. We both had a chuckle at the thought.
"No, I won't be making a habit of it, I don't know what his weird obsession is, but this is important to me. I've just been feeling like I'm losing myself. Between Alice watching my future and Edward reading my mind I just want the chance to be a little more independent. I've been feeling some… resentment over the whole thing but today I realized I needed to take some responsibility. I think I got used to having a babysitter, and I stopped relying on myself to handle my own control around humans. Instead, I just waited to be told what to do, when to hunt, when there was a close call. They weren't trying to take away my freedom, they were actually picking up my slack. Today I left on my own when I felt overwhelmed. No one told me to go, and it felt good. This is from a buck I took down when I left. I wanted it to remind myself that I'm capable. It was the first time in a long time that I can say I took things into my own hands." I said, letting go of the pent up stress this had been causing me. It felt good to finally get to say this out loud to someone.
"That's wonderful Jasper, though I'm sorry you've been feeling this way. Does Alice know how you've been feeling? We can all have a talk when they get back if you'd like. You must always trust yourself son." he said. His words were similar to what Alice had said to me before she left. The coincidence didn't go unnoticed.
"Yeah she saw when I decided I wanted to talk to you guys. By the way, wasn't there something I needed to know about the schedules?" I asked him.
"Ah, yes. Alice had to essentially rearrange Edward's entire schedule to be able to remove him from the class. It will be under the farce that he'll be doing a special internship at the hospital. I just have to get a document together he can use for college applications, and the school will accept. Do you think you could call J. Jenks and get it taken care of before they return?" he asked. J. Jenks was my lawyer, and probably the only human I knew that had some idea of what I was. We never talked about it, he didn't dare upset the steady stream of cash he's earned from us over the course of our business relationship. I've worked with him for the last 20 years, and his old boss 15 years before that. He was good at what he did, and at being discreet. Passports, ID's, birth certificates, you name it and he'd made it for us over the years. Probably several versions.
"Sure, it shouldn't be a problem, I'll get in touch with him. I'm gonna head up to my room. Thanks for everything Carlisle." I said before heading upstairs. I made the phone call on my way up, and told Mr. Jenks I'd pay whatever it took to get the documents made tonight. They would be faxed over in the morning before Carlisle had to call the school. Tomorrow I'd be in class with Bella Swan. I swallowed down the nervousness that thought brought up and hung the antler above my bed.
I decided to take a shower since I was a little messy from hunting. I stood under the steaming water and let it wash away the chaos of the day. I wondered how much of the day Alice had been able to anticipate and how much had caught her off guard as well. When I got out of the shower I ran the towel through my hair then wrapped it around my waist, and then I went back to my room and flopped down on the bed. I lost track of time staring up at the ceiling. It was nights like this that I wished I could sleep. That I could empty the contents of my mind for just a little while and reset for the next day. Tomorrow would be easier though. I was freshly fed and I would be on my own to test out my control. I chuckled thinking of how many calls and texts I would receive from Alice. I guessed it would be at least ten times before I even stepped foot into the school. Alice or not, I would not let my pride get in the way. I would leave if I felt overwhelmed. I would go to school, ignore Bella Swan, and everyone else. It was going to be a perfectly boring day.