*Darkness*
The cave was dark and wet, but the outside noise that had been so overwhelmingly loud on his way up here, only barely reached into the deep corner where Ben laid curled up into a ball, hands pressed against his temples, screaming his angry heart out. He raged against everyone and everything, but most of all he raged against his own weakness, his own fear, his own incompetence. He screamed until his voice was sore, his fists bloody from slamming against the rocky walls, his eyes burning from the unstoppable tears that felt like acid.
It took him a long while to calm down, and the moment of silence that followed was overwhelming his mind and it began to crumble under the pressure of the void he felt now.
"Don't be afraid…" came a soft voice from within the shadows. It was different to the disembodied voice he would usually hear in his head, the voice he somehow could not feel present at this very moment. This new voice was real, or at least it felt real, and did not try to manipulate him. It was just...there, and it was soothing in ways that the other voice had never been. And it was fearless. There seemed to be so much more to it than just the softness and calm it brought as the words washed over him.
"Leave me alone!" Ben tried to be strong, to keep his voice from shaking but he did not succeed. Sobs broke within his chest, shaking his whole body.
"What is done is done. You cannot undo it. There is only little to be gained from clinging to the past. There is only forward from this moment on." A scrawny shape emerged from the shadows and once closer, Ben could discern from underneath the caked grime and dirt that it was Tisea. From what he could tell, she was unharmed. Her clothes were torn and there were bleeding scrapes and bruises on her skin. For an instant, he was relieved to see her alive, but at the same time, her presence turned into a menace by the words she had just said, and he didn't know why he felt the need to defend himself.
"I didn't mean to do all this, he wanted to kill me! He had his saber ready at hand to strike me down. I had to…" His voice was shrill as his heart beat too fast in his chest. It took him a moment to control himself. "I had to…" he whispered.
She didn't say anything but he felt her gaze - disapproving he would interpret it - and heard the deep sigh. He knew that there was no coming back from this - as did she. There was no way he could ever make right what he had made wrong, not in this life nor the next. Yet survival was his utmost desire, survival and leaving behind all those mortal coils of fear and despair. There was only one path he could take now. He sensed that she knew that, too. What was difficult to tell was whether or not the way he was thinking about was the same as hers.
She spoke again, poised, calm and collected - everything that he was not. "Your uncle saw the darkness in you, he sensed it building inside of you, and it was beyond anything he had ever imagined. For him, the realization was so jarring that he could not handle it. Yet, even though it lasted only a fleeting moment, the consequences are...devastating as you can see." She had walked past him, towards the entrance of the cave, without even once looking at him. He watched her look outside the cave, felt how her gaze travelled around the burning temple and surrounding huts, just as he felt her mind growing heavy with sadness. "Yet I truly believe that he was wrong, he failed you by thinking that your choice is already made. All of this is not your doing, you are being manipulated and you cannot even see it."
"My choice is made! It was made for me! All those deaths, all the destruction! I caused it. So I will have to leave. Look around you, how can you not see it?" Ben roared, pointing in the general direction of the burning disaster outside, yet her calm answer and the smile that accompanied it threw him off guard.
"Your truth depends greatly on your very own point of view. So no, I cannot see it." She chuckled a little and it infuriated the boy even more, to a point where he felt he could not control himself any more. How could she not see that he could not possibly ever turn back onto the righteous path of the jedi, of the light side, after having abandoned the ways of the Jedi by killing everybody?
"Enough!" He screamed and pushed out with the force, a shockwave erupting around him, sending everything around him crashing against the stone walls, rocks, branches, and Tisea. He watched in horror, yet absolutely motionless, as she was flung violently across the cave, hitting first the wall and then the ground hard, and immediately withdrew from the energy that had built up around him once he realized what was happening. But it was too late. Silence engulfed him again. Panicking, tears stinging his eyes again, he rushed after her, remembering the effect his powers had had on the pot, when he used the force on it a couple of nights ago. Regret tore through him as he saw what he had done, and reminded him sorely of the mayhem outside he felt responsible for.
When he rolled her over, she made no sound. He saw blood trickling from her nose and the corner of her mouth as he now picked her up and cradled her in his arms but her eyes were open, focussed on him and gazing into his in the most serene way like nothing had happened and she was at peace. She seemed full of light, even in the darkness the cave held her whole being radiated empathy and positivity. Ben could not understand. Her arms now came around him without her saying anything. There was warmth in her embrace, numbing the turbulent emotions that had flooded his mind and threatened to wash him away.
Lost in his thoughts, he suddenly felt her trigger the barriers of the walls he had built around his mind when she reached out for him with her mind.
"Don't you dare…" he whispered. When she didn't stop the mental onslaught - however gentle it might have been - he hissed at her, his face red with anger and exhaustion. "Stop!"
Tiseya had always been exceptionally good at entering minds, with her smooth and gentle ways. He had prided himself as being extraordinarily good at keeping everybody's prying minds out of his own, everybody's but hers. She was strong and nimble in her machinations, yet ever so gentle, and he was tired and even though he felt invaded, she slid inside and wrapped herself around him, gently, soothing, calming, cooling and in the smallest of moments, he broke under her.
A funny thing, he had to admit, was that he couldn't feel anything apart from her mind inside his mind. There was no outside noise he could hear, no outside feeling that was able to reach him. It was just her and him, inside of his mind. And he wondered why he had never fought the intruding voice inside his head, why he never had any reservations to letting it in.
"There is good in you, Ben Solo." She whispered and he felt her voice embracing his heart. "It's only you who cannot see it."
He thought about it for a moment as if he really wanted to believe her words, but somehow, all he managed to reply to her was a laugh, hard and hateful. It was directed more towards himself, yet the soothing feeling that she had provided inside of him came to an abrupt halt as she retreated, and his mind was left cold, missing the warmth she had provided, leaving him longing.
Her voice was colder now, yet not without the caring quality it still had from before. "Why do you hate yourself so much?"
His answer was just as cold. "I deserve to be punished. For everything I have done and for everything I will do. You don't understand." With a motion of his hand, Ben wiped the question away, with the intent of wiping her away as well.
"Maybe you do, but I won't be the judge of it. You have so much of your father's heart in you. You are ambitious, dedicated and brave. Yet while you are all that and so many other things, conflicted, ruthless and treacherous, you are incredibly immature. Look at you, right now you're nothing more than a spoiled angry child and you cannot deny it!"
Her remark - snide to his ears - made Ben's irritation grow exponentially and in his rage, he pushed her away. Watching her struggle back into somewhat of a sitting position, his mind lashed out at her, this time directing all his hate and underlying despair towards her, only her.
He watched her limp, lifeless body jerk and twist under his massive mental invasion, feeling how her body was experiencing the pain, yet the voice that was her mind in his mind stayed peaceful, calm. He even felt her genuine little smile when she now continued to speak to him inside his mind, apparently unfazed by what was happening with her body. Or unimpressed, Ben could not tell, and it made him even more infuriated. She had always been too strong-willed to know when the battle was lost. He remembered, or was remembered by her, that she would always go at it again, even though it was more than clear that there was no chance to win. Yet once again, she would not retreat and Ben wondered why until he realized that it was clear that she was already past the point of safe return. Sitting on his haunches a few meters away from her, he stared at the messy heap of the girl that was Tisea.
Yet he could still feel her smile, warm and caring, like a mother calmly observing her child's temper tantrums. "It's all there, plainly in sight. Your childish frustration and that colossal anger you have towards yourself are the result of struggling against yourself and who you really are. You will learn to understand that, sooner or later."
"Ah, damn you, you sound just like Skywalker now." Ben puffed.
"And why wouldn't I? He only spoke the truth."
"He wanted to kill me, he was ready to strike me down." His face grew red under the exertion of trying to control himself.
"And you were not in control. You let your emotions get in the way and it all got blown out of proportions."
"So did he! He attacked first, all out of the sudden, without any warning, without any reason."
"And he was wrong to do so." She replied in a simple, uncomplicated tone. "You felt it, too. He knew he was wrong. Yet that did not stop you."
"Should I have tried to talk to my uncle? Should I have asked him to put his lightsaber down? Should I have pleaded with him not to kill me? He had his mind set to the task already!"
Tisea was quiet for a moment, he felt her pondering her next words carefully and this moment of heavy peace calmed his once again spiking anger, even if only a little.
"He had not, Ben, and you know it. Search inside yourself, you know that I am speaking the truth. You know that Master Skywalker was speaking the truth."
"Truth…" Ben spit that word out as if it were poison. "Didn't you just say that our truths are fundamentally different as they depend on our individually different point of views?
His sarcastic sneer was painful to both of them yet she did not follow him into his dark thoughts, she just circled through his mind leisurely.
"Your talent is raw but something special is lurking in the shadows." Her voice was serene. You are extremely powerful but yet so very vulnerable, to self doubt, to fear and it makes you weak. And the weak get taken advantage of. I can see the light in you, because only where there's light, there can be shadow. Shadow is balance, the balance of light and dark. Isn't all we've learned about balance? You were always in the shadows of the Skywalkers, and you will always be until you don't allow yourself to live up to that name. A name so mighty, yet so destructive. You are battling dark thoughts, you are full of doubt and constantly second-guess yourself, and Luke wronged you by thinking that you were already set upon your path. I have said it before and I will not be the last one to tell you. Yet you are in charge of picking the path you want to set out on, you - and you alone. No one can make that decision for you."
Suddenly he was a young boy again, scared and tired. "I am afraid…"
She smiled again. "Of course you are. I am, too." Her sincere warmth seeped through his every fiber despite his immediate rejection. "Confronting your fear is the destiny of a Jedi. It is your destiny!"
How he hated those words. His mother had said them too many times, and his uncle as well. It was like a mantra that he had had to listen to over and over again, for many months, a painful memory now. Once again infuriated, leaving behind the fear and youth for good this time, Ben got up abruptly and stomped towards the entrance of the cave, leaving yet again a path of destruction in his wake as his mind lashed out with furious force at whatever it found in its way. The noise was devastating, an explosion of sorts, and the ground underneath his feet shook terribly. He could almost feel the walls of the cave groan and crack under the pressure. Then there was quiet.
Ben stopped dead in his tracks when he suddenly heard the faintest sound, and irritated by it - scared by it -, he jolted back around. he saw her body in the corner of the room where he had left her only moments before, where she had crawled up into a sitting position but now had slumped over, head lolling forward, unmoving. It was then that he realized that he had done the unforgivable. He had killed her - with his power, his own hands.
Lost in his thoughts, he suddenly felt her tugging at his mind again, and unconsciously moved towards her. The pull he felt towards her was strong, yet he moved with hesitation, almost against his will. He knelt down next to her and grabbed her face with both hands. Her eyes were still open and focussed on him, bright with light but he saw blood trickling from the corners of her mouth and her ears. Her mind tangled with his once more, laboured though, but with intent and purpose, while her mouth twisted into a small smile.
"You're not doing this!" he hissed while shaking her. "You cannot be doing this! The effort will kill you!"
"But I am already dying, Ben, it cannot get any worse than this." Inside his mind, he could hear her chuckle, but it was nothing more than a feeble whisper. However, her warmth was back inside of him.
His face twisted under the pain he suddenly felt, the loss, the loneliness which threatened to drown him.
"I am not dead yet, just in case you wonder…" Her voice was teasing, yet once again threatening to fade away. This time it was him who clung to her. "You will have to let me go at one point. But I hope that it will be after you realize how deep you are in this mess already. Or even better, after you find your way out of it. You will not find what you are looking for in that dark place. That's one thing I know for sure…and I truly hope you know that, too." She sighed softly and with that ever so small gesture, she was able to put his raging mind at ease.
"I have seen your future and so have you. Yet, no matter what path you choose, the outcome will always be the same. You will make the right choices when the time comes." She smiled as she faded. "It is your fate, you will understand that sooner or later." Her voice became faint, yet Ben willed her back into his mind with all the strength he could muster. He pulled on her so hard that he felt her body breaking even more, yet he couldn't care less in the heat of the moment.
"I am not letting you off that easily!" he screamed at her in a desperate attempt to undo the past. "No one decides what my future holds for me but me. No one has the right to take that from me!"
Tisea only laughed, right at his face but her resolve ran thin. "Yet you're here...letting them screw with your mind. You keep me here, yet you don't let my feelings in. You don't even know what you want. You can keep me here as long as you want, but then again, will you be ready to face the consequences?" Her words haunted him, and he tried to shut her out yet her mind clung on to his like a drowning person.
"You have to promise me one thing, Ben. Please I beg of you…" Ben felt tears welling up in his eyes at her pleading words. And before he could actually say anything - he wanted to dismiss her plea just like he would dismiss anything that would make him look weak - his mind, as strange as it was, bent before her: "I promise…" It was nothing more than a whisper but it was out before he could stop himself.
Tisea smiled. "There is light in you, Ben Solo. A light that shines so brightly that it blinds all around you. It even blinds you. When the time comes, you will need to let the past die. Kill it if you have to. It will be the only way to become what you were meant to be."
A painful sob broke through Ben's chest as he cradled her broken body in his arms but her mind wrapped itself around his pain like a cooling balm, trying to take the edge away but this time, she did not have the strength.
"You will know what you have to do once the moment comes, and you will have the strength to do it. I know you, Ben, I can see it in your very core."
"You know nothing, you don't know the slightest thing about me!" His voice was as brittle as ice, threatening to fail and show weakness.
"Oh but I know. And I know that you know. I will always be there, screaming at you that your pain - and my pain as it is - will never find release if you don't come back. You will remember my words when the moment comes. And I truly hope that you will listen then and know that you have to come back from wherever it is you feel you need to go, because I know you are not listening right now."
"You're just a memory…" Ben whispered.
She smiled and broke away from his eyes, closing hers for a moment. When she raised her gaze again and met his, she whispered back: "Yes, but I am your memory."
It was the last thing he heard from her, even though he could still feel her mind lingering in his. Her last words echoed in his head for a long time, while little by little, he felt her less and less. Her body grew cold under his cradling hands.
It wasn't long before Ben finally cut the thin thread that connected their minds, that last thread of life that was left of her. Ben had closed himself off from her completely now. For the first time since his powers had grown strong enough for him to realize they actually existed, he couldn't feel anything at all. Even now, when the anguish of her dying mind would have called him to her, there was nothing. His heart was cold, cold but sad. He knew what he had lost here, he knew that he should feel the loss so much more than he allowed himself to, but what was done was done.
He watched how the severed end retreated back into her mind and when it disappeared, one last trembling breath from her indicated that she had finally passed.
It was then when he felt something new within himself. It was not her, or anything provoked by her, that he was sure of. She was almost gone, whatever it was that was left of her were only traces of what used to be there. It was something from within himself that was reaching out for her, without his own doing. It confused him, it scared him as he had no idea what it was. Though, whatever it was, it made him weak and dizzy and he realized that it was his life-force reaching out for her. The more of it that left his body, the stronger he could feel her again inside his mind. Panicking again, he pushed away from her and willed the energy back inside his own body.
He straightened his back and lifted his head while casting his gaze around the cave, as if answers might lie in the shadows. But there was nothing. Just aching emptiness and a sense of loss so sharp and terrible it was like a vise around his gut. And then the voice in his head was back, but it was not Tiseya's. "Look what you've done. You can never go back now. But take that worry from your mind and come to me, child, and we will forge your future together."
With a deep sigh and one long glance back at her broken body, Ben Solo stepped out of the cave with his head held high, promising himself to never look back at anything again. He slowly walked across the campground, carefully stepping around the debris. Maybe she was right, the past needed to be killed, and he had done just that.
Yet it was not Ben Solo but Kylo Ren who emerged from the ruins of what used to be the Jedi Temple to board the ship that so conveniently was already waiting for him. He did not question it at all, but while he walked towards it, he remembered the accounts of his grandfather Anakin Skywalker had slaughtered all the young padawan learners in the old temple so many years ago without being able to make an actual connection with the events that had taken place just before, with his own actions that unleashed hell upon his friends and peers. All he saw was that they both were tormented and confused, yet so dangerous and deadly.
*~* end of part 1 *~*