UnbeatableSG: Remember when I said I'd be back to normal by Monday?
UnbeatableSG: I am Fate's Fool
SewWithTheFlow: At least you like being a squirrel?
ImHowatrd: imngne bienbg an animla adn sitlk thkinggng yuo can be a suprerhwro
SewWithTheFlow: You're literally a duck
ImHowatrd: adn im a drtexctive. npt a suyprhreo. I cna solkve asny mysdrey
UnbeatableSG: Wish me luck in class today everyone!
UnbeatableSG: So anyway, apparently students with rodent-phobias are more important than students who are rodents
UnbeatableSG: At least I can go on patrol! It's time to eat nuts and kick butts!
EpicCrimez: Stay tuned for my newest video tonight as I trespass on a construction site!
EpicCrimez: What is this squirrel doing at a construction site?
Doreen was disoriented. Not only had she been grasped by her tail, but she'd been thrown into the dirt. Her current pain answered the question about whether she was invulnerable any more. Answer: she was definitely not. Her front left wrist felt sprained.
She rolled up into all fours (well, all threes plus minimal weight on her injured limb) just in time to see a massive bulldozer wheel coming her way with no time to dodge it. She ignored her pain and ran anyway, figuring that a pointless bid for safety would be better than just accepting her fate.
"Squirrel Girl!" came three frightened gasps and one concerned squeak.
Oh good, Doreen was running in their direction. She'd begun running while still disoriented, and worried that she was only going deeper beneath the heavy vehicle.
The tire reached Doreen, causing sharp pain to bloom. But only in her tail. She was still alive! Her heart was still racing from the adrenaline of nearly getting flattened by a vehicle the size of a skyscraper, but sheer relief caused her to collapse. Not into unconsciousness, thankfully, but moving seemed like a problem for Future-Doreen.
Chipmunk Hunk and Koi Boi immediately ran to her side while Mary confronted the criminal. Mary could be heard shouting about the inefficiency and ineptitude of EpicCrimez's crimes.
Doreen was writhing in pain, and her tail was twitching. But the good news was that she could still feel the appendage, and therefore would probably still be able to use it once it healed. Hopefully.
"Squirrel Girl! Are you okay?" Koi Boi asked.
"I think my tail is broken, and my wrist is hurt," she said. "But everything else seems fine."
Chipmunk Hunk scooped her up in his hands. "I've had to set a chipmunk's tail once before so I know what to do. Be ready, though. This is going to hurt."
He untied Doreen's yellow ribbon and searched for something to bind it to. Koi Boi provided two pencils from his pocket.
"You keep pencils in your superhero costume?" Chipmunk Hunk questioned as he attached the splint to Doreen's tail.
Koi Boi nodded. "And a small notepad. You never know when you'll need to write something down."
"That's what my phone is for," Chipmunk Hunk teased.
Doreen squealed as her tail was pulled, forcing everything back into place. Pain coursed through her spine, then gradually dissipated back to a dull ache. "Thanks, Tomas, I'll get it checked out later. For now, maybe we should stop Mary from turning this bulldozer into a bomb or a tank."
Immediately and simultaneously, all heads turned to watch Mary vs EpicCrimez. To absolutely no one's surprise, Mary was winning the verbal spar.
"What, you can't drive without the key? You call yourself EpicCrimez and can't even hotwire a car?" Mary teased as she tossed the keys out the window.
"I know how to hotwire!" EpicCrimez protested, but made no move to do so.
Mary pushed him into out of the drivers seat and claimed it for herself. "Look, you just reach under here, grab this, and --"
EpicCrimez ignored Mary's instructions in favor of addressing his followers from the passenger seat. "Alright, looks like this crime has been so epic, it attracted super hero attention! So now I'd like to try something that my most loyal followers will probably recognize from my previous videos!"
By this point, Mary had gone from hotwiring the bulldozer to reconfiguring the wires to make the bulldozer faster and ignore the brakes. Or possibly some other unspecified engineering feat of equally concerning proportions, but that was her usual go-to in situations like this.
Chipmunk Hunk passed Doreen to Koi Boi and joined Mary in the bulldozer. EpicCrimez carefully aimed his phone camera at his two opponents. "I'm going to ask you nicely to leave." The calm words were undercut by his manic grin.
"I'm going to ask the same of you," Chipmunk Hunk retorted.
EpicCrimez squeezed something in his other hand and the bulldozer and everyone inside it went flying.
The vehicle flipped in midair and landed upside down. Chipmunk Hunk fell from the drivers seat and onto the ground below as the bulldozer had reached its apex. Mary held tightly to the steering wheel to stop herself from following Chipmunk Hunk.
EpicCrimez just laughed and crawled from the passenger side shouting, "That was wild! If anyone is able to get their hands on a stolen sonic concussion blaster, I wholeheartedly endorse it!"
Koi Boi ran toward EpicCrimez, Tippy Toe following at his heels. His hands, still holding Doreen, were surprisingly steady. "You've done enough crime for one day! Now it's time to kick your hali-butt!"
"Yeah!" agreed Doreen.
EpicCrimez laughed and held out his hands placatingly. "Alright, alright. I don't want any trouble." His phone was in clear view but his hands were otherwise empty.
Doreen knew he was lying; EpicCrimez lived to cause trouble. So she ignored her aching tail and prepared to pounce. She and Tippy Toe exchanged subtle glances. Tippy was already moving toward the criminal.
EpicCrimez slowly stood, brushing dust off his pants. "I'll go with you. Let me just... ah... there we go!" In a fluid motion, the criminal threw some sort of projectile at Koi Boi, and Doreen jumped.
Oof! Landing was a lot harder without the use of her tail for balance! Her spine vibrated from the impact.
She ran the few remaining paces to EpicCrimez and began to claw at his legs, slowly making her way up toward his waist, then torso. EpicCrimez flinched and squealed. "Whaaaat's going on? What's the deal with this rabid squirrel?"
"There's no such thing as a rabid squirrel!!" Doreen yelled, digging her claws into the side of his stomach. "Squirrels can't get rabies!"
Tippy added her contributions to EpicCrimez's other leg, including a bite, which Doreen was certain was a hopeful attempt to turn this unwitting villain into a squirrel. Unsurprisingly, EpicCrimez did not become SquirrelCrimez.
Koi Boi was just recovering from his impact with the minor explosive. "That's not just a squirrel, EpicCrimez. That's my good chum Squirrel Girl! You know what that means? You're sharkbait!"
EpicCrimez laughed, and then violently flinched again. "Squirrel Girl could barely keep up with me as a human! She can't do anything as a tiny squirrel!" He tried to grab her to prove his point, but she quickly maneuvered herself to his back.
"Don't talk bad about squirrels!" Doreen said before sinking her claws deep into his shoulder.
"Ahhh!" EpicCrimez screamed in surprise. "You little rat! You may have been a superhero, but now you're just an annoyance!" He reached over his shoulder in another attempt to grab her, but again she dodged. His movements toward Tippy were equally fruitless.
"You should change your name from EpicCrimez to EpicFails!" Doreen laughed. "Koi Boi, you should translate that to him! It was definitely a good comeback that I totally thought of just now!"
Koi Boi laughed. "I think he gets the point!"
Mary and Chipmunk Hunk joined Koi Boi in watching Doreen and Tippy reduce EpicCrimez to a squirming wreck. Said supervillain was on his knees, thrashing wildly at the persistent squirrels.
Finally, he yielded. "I'm sorry, followers. I can't go any further with this video until I get rid of these bleeping squirrels! See you next time with more Epic Crimez!" He managed a weak dab before crumbling.
Chipmunk Hunk grabbed EpicCrimez's wrists while Koi Boi held out a hand for Doreen. Chipmunk Hunk said, "Thanks, Squirrel Girl. Now we can get him to the police to atone for his trespassing."
Doreen nodded as she collapsed into Koi Boi's arms. "And get me to a vet. I'm pretty sure my tail is broken and this splint is only a temporary fix."
"I'll text Nancy to meet us there," Mary offered, already on her phone.
Doreen woke from surgery to an irritable Nancy. "You miss class and the next thing I hear from you is that you're in surgery? Are you okay?" Ken and Tomas were absent, leaving Doreen to wonder how long she'd been there. Only Mary and Tippy Toe remained.
Doreen smiled weakly. "Well I definitely feel better, but I think that might be whatever the vet used to numb my tail."
Nancy stroked Doreen's head. "You should've let me go on patrol with you."
Doreen chuckled. "Yeah, definitely agree with that now!"
"Do you think you still heal super fast?" Nancy asked.
"I don't think I have any of my normal powers right now. Normally all my squirrel powers are scaled up to human size; but since I'm scaled down to squirrel size, my powers are, too. I'm a regular squirrel."
The vet, who had been silent until now, spoke. "Not gonna lie, normally my guests and patients don't have full conversations like this. It's a little weird."
Mary said, "You'd think more animal themed superheroes would need a vet."
Squirrel Girl considered that. "Well, statistically, most superheroes -- even animal themed ones -- can't actually talk to animals. (I learned that lesson over and over again the hard way). And considering the number of veterinarians in New York City alone, I'm not actually surprised this isn't a common occurrence. Although there is a definite non-zero chance of any vet meeting a hero who can talk to animals, not every vet will have the experience since there's more vets than superheroes."
The vet looked back and forth at the two humans in the room for an explanation. Finally Nancy said, "She's just calculating the probability of a vet meeting someone who can talk to animals."
The vet nodded. "Ah. I'm sure that's a common thought process in most squirrels." As hesitant laughter bubbled in the room, the vet added, "Anyway, your squirrel is free to go. It could have definitely been worse, but she'll need to stay out of trouble for a little while. I'd recommend coming back to check on her in a week."
"A whole week?" Doreen exclaimed.
Nancy rolled her eyes. "A week is nothing, Squirrel Girl. I broke my leg in middle school and had to stay in a cast for a month and a half."
"So, er, do you have a carrier for your squirrel?" the vet asked.
Doreen shook her head, and Nancy answered, "Well, she's not normally a squirrel. Um, I was planning to just carry her out myself."
"Just be sure to keep her tail elevated, and try not to jostle her," the vet said. He gently picked up Doreen and set her into Nancy's arms. Doreen had to admit she liked the way Nancy cradled her. Her arms felt so safe and comforting.
As they walked home, Doreen craned her neck to watch the passersby and enjoy the scenery. "Where'd everyone else go, anyway?"
Mary answered before Nancy could, "Tomas had a meeting with the school counselor, and Ken had to deal with some sort of underwater emergency. I couldn't quite tell what parts of his explanations were puns and which parts were facts."
Knowing Ken, that sounded perfectly plausible. His puns were out of control.
"You could've gone, too," Doreen said. "With Nancy here, you wouldn't need to go out of your way to take me home."
"It's the least I could do after getting you hurt in the first place."
Doreen stared at Mary and blinked. Blinked again. "What? My broken tail isn't your fault! If I'd known about you trying to turn Tippy into Super Squirrel, I'd have been there anyway, helping with the calculations! I got hurt cause I was being reckless, not because of anything you did!"
Mary smiled softly. "I already knew you didn't blame me. But I still should have followed proper safety procedures when testing the invention. And that's on me."
"That's fine!" agreed Squirrel Girl. "As long as you only blame yourself for the parts that were actually you, and learn from your mistakes. For example, I've learned it's a bad idea to jump on a person in a bulldozer."
Mary smiled. "You know, if I ever actually follow my dream of becoming a supervillain, I don't think I could associate with you. You'd be too good at keeping me away from the dark side."
Doreen and Nancy both laughed.
"Anyway, my house is that way, so I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" Mary said.
"Definitely!" Doreen said.
"But you'll have to come visit us," Nancy added. "Doreen isn't leaving the house until she's better."
"...Awww, nuts!"