Torn

Robert was standing in front of a mirror in Gibbs' bedroom, closely watching his body. He touched Tony's scars and tried to imagine what circumstances had led to the different marks. Most of them must have been very painful and he adored the fearlessness of Tony.

This guy had taken at least two bullets judged by the round marks on his shoulder and shortly over the hipbone. He had multiple lines strewn all over his body. Some small, others long and still Tony ran into an airport to defuse some bombs.

Robert examined a long scar on his right side as Gibbs walked in. He felt blood rushing into his face and yelped unintentionally.

Gibbs stopped on his way to a dresser and looked at him amused.

"Relax, Ton-" He interrupted himself. "Robert. I know every inch of your body."

Gibbs shook his head and started off to the dresser again.

"Why?" Robert stared irritated at Gibbs' back.

"We are colleagues. What do you think, who is patching you up until the ambulance is coming, when you got yourself in trouble once again?" He answered, starting to browse through a drawer.

Robert felt foolish. He should have thought of this.

"Do you have as many scars as Tony?" Robert surveyed Gibbs back from the distance.

"Not as many. As I said, you have the tendency to get into trouble." Gibbs fished a shirt out of the drawer and turned. "I stopped counting the days, I sat next to your hospital bed."

Gibbs pulled off his shirt and Robert flinched a bit. "To be honest, I wouldn't be sorry if you for once would stay intact." Gibbs went on as he shrugged his slags off. Robert suddenly became painfully clear that they both were standing only in boxers in front of each other.

"Why are you doing this?" Robert tried to get his focus shift back to the conversation.

"I told you, you are the only family I have." Gibbs eyed him.

"Actually, I ment the job." Robert felt a mix of guilt and sympathy.

"I know outsiders can't understand but I live for this job. I think I don't know how to be something else." Gibbs' gaze turned soft. "You think of quitting from time to time but you never went through with this plan."

"I just don't understand. Look at this." Robert gestured up and down his torso. "Every single one of those injuries must have been so painful and still Tony ran into an airport dealing with 'some' bombs. Nothing special. Just another day at the office."

Gibbs chuckled, his eyes lingering on Roberts' abs. He blinked a few times then looked Robert directly into his eyes. "Believe it or not, you are as dedicated to this job as I am. And you would never even think twice if you have to give your life to save others."

Robert shivered. Gibbs' eyes pierced his mind and he could clearly see pride and affection in them. "How can you two be so fearless?"

"You don't think about the consequences." Gibbs shrugged and flung the clean shirt over his shoulder. "I'll take a quick shower. You sleep here. I'll take the couch."

Robert was taken aback by the sudden change of topic and watched Gibbs vanishing into the bathroom. He still couldn't understand why they risked their lives thinking of the price they paid so often. He still could be Tony if this guy just would have turned and walked away.

*/*

Robert stared at the picture in his hand. He felt like his chest was narrowing and his breath was ragged. He just couldn't process why Gibbs had a picture of the exact same cherry tree he saw in his dreams every night. On a silver badge on the lower end of the frame was '31.03.2006' engraved. He didn't know why he was shivering but he nearly let the photo drop to the ground.

"Fujiyoshida. It was a beautiful cherry blossom season." Gibbs' voice sounded hoarse and Robert spun on his heels. He saw a defeated looking Gibbs standing on the last step of the basement.

"Why… have you… a picture… of the tree… I see… in my dreams?" He had trouble breathing and pressed the words out between the fast breaths.

"Calm down, then we talk." Gibbs closed the gap slowly and took the picture out of his hand.

"Tell me!"

"Stop hyperventilating and I will." He grabbed Robert's arm to support him. He tried to calm down but he just couldn't. His body wasn't willing to listen to his brain.

"C'mon, we sit down upstairs." Gibbs softly steered him up the stairs and onto the couch.

He placed the picture carefully on the coffee table and Robert could finally see a whole lot of emotion on his face. There was remorse, hurt and sadness but also… love? A bittersweet smile curled Gibbs' mouth as he sat down. His eyes were fixed on the photo and he let a finger trace along the trunk.

"A case led us to Japan. You got the scar on your right side from this case." Robert unwillingly touched his side. The calm and sorrowful voice of Gibbs lulled him slowly in and he began to calm down.

"You were so fed up this time that you thought about quitting and staying in Japan." Gibbs let out a small laugh, looking like he lost himself in a long gone time. He shook his head and went on.

"This time, I really had trouble convincing you to stay. My last attempt was to suggest a vacation, to stay a few weeks in this beautiful country. We both haven't had something like this in years." His smile became bigger.

"I still can see your unbelieving face, eyes wide and mouth open as I said 'we'. You were so happy." Robert watched him with a strange feeling. It was a mix of fear and affection. He could see Gibbs was suffering. Haunted by obviously dear memories turned into hurtful shreds of the past.

"We stayed for 3 weeks. The best three weeks in decades." Gibbs gulped and he fumbled at his bracelet. "The cherry blossom season just started and one day we went to the Chureito Pagoda. We sat down under this tree and watched the sun rise." The side glance of Gibbs let him shiver.

"That might be the reason you see the tree." He stood up and placed the picture on the mantle. Gibbs took a deep breath and suddenly vanished into the kitchen.

Robert stared at the picture and anger rose within him. He got to his feet and followed the other man into the kitchen.

Gibbs had braced himself on the counter, his head hung low and it seemed as if every muscle in his back was tense.

"That's all?" Robert growled.

"All you need to know." Gibbs didn't bother to turn around.

"Damn, Gibbs! That doesn't explain anything." Robert was nearly yelling. "It doesn't explain why I'm sitting under this tree fumbling fingers interlaced with mine. It doesn't explain why I only feel content when there's an arm placed around my shoulders, pulling me closer to a torso I can't identify."

"Tony, please." Gibbs' voice was choked. "Stop."

"No! Tell me, for god sake! What happened in Japan?"

"Just stop!" Gibbs spun around, Robert could see tears in his eyes. "You really don't want to know!"

"Oh sure. You always know what is best for everyone. You might try to let the people decide by themselves." Robert made a few steps towards his counterpart.

"You think so, Robert?" The spoken name was filled with disgust. Gibbs invaded his personal space, forcing him to back away until he felt the nearby wall in his back.

"Fine." His voice was threateningly low now and his gaze pierced Robert's mind. "You think you can handle it? You really want to know what happened? I'll show you but don't complain afterwards!"

And suddenly Gibbs cupped his cheek. He let his thumb carres Robert's skin and slowly closed the gap between them. Gibbs let his lips softly brush over his. It was a tender kiss filled with love and affection.

As Gibbs backed away, he rested his forehead on his and Robert noticed his own eyes had closed of their own accord.

A sudden flood of emotion overwhelmed him and he felt an urgent need to flee. He pushed Gibbs away and tried to storm off.

"Tony." Gibbs grabbed his wrist and something inside him snapped. He turned and placed a punch directly on Gibbs' face. "I'm Robert."

"Fine." He saw Gibbs moving his jaw, his eyes dark with anger. Robert turned and left the house in a hurry.

*/*

~He was spinning right in front of the tree while a warm spring rain slowly soaked him. He felt so elated, so happy, nothing could ruin this.

"Tony." Gibbs was leaning at the trunk watching him with a half smile and shook his head. "Come here. You shouldn't let your wound get wet."

"Oh c'mon, Boss. You surely won't deny me a little enjoyment during our vacation." He was laughing and could see the smile on Gibbs' face brighten.

"Stop fooling around, DiNozzo!" He grabbed the hem of Tony's jacket and pulled him under the tree.

Somehow Tony found himself pressed to the front of his boss. His laughter died down as he studied the features of the man mere inches away. Gibbs was leaning against the trunk again, one hand still solid on Tony's hem the other on his side. Tony felt as if he saw him for the first time. The blue eyes, the lines on his face. The lips.

He slowly closed the gap between them and let his lips brush softly over the other man's. A longing buried deep down inside him forcefully creeped to the surface. He felt Gibbs hand coming to his face cupping it tenderly.

As Tony backed away he rested his forehead on Gibbs', whispering low "I guess you convinced me again."

He rather felt a light chuckle than heard it, while Gibbs stroked his cheek. "Good."~

Robert woke up with a start. He still could feel the touch on his lips and the longing inside him. He needed a few moments to adjust in his situation. It was dark outside. He was in his bed, in his apartment, alone.

He sighed deeply and let himself fall back into the cushions. He didn't know how to cope with all this. He still couldn't remember a thing. All he got was his dreams and his disturbing emotional state.

It had truly shocked him as Gibbs had kissed him and he regretted his reaction deeply but he just couldn't bring himself to face Gibbs again. What was he supposed to do? How should he believe all this?

He rubbed his face. It was all a fucking mess.

~He was sitting at the trunk breathing in the fresh air, watching Gibbs standing a few feet away. He was observing the Fuji in the distance. Tony smiled to himself. Gibbs looked like a kind of superhero in the light of the rising sun.

"Hey, care to join me here, Batman?" Tony watched him walk over with a sloppy little grin on his face. He seated himself next to him and took Tony's hand.

"Does this mean you are my Joker?" Gibbs chuckled and Tony took their joint hands up to kiss his'.

"I could get worse, I guess." Gibbs added, placing a kiss on his temple.

They sat there, watching the sun gradually light up the Fuji in front of them.~

This time he woke slowly. The light of the day lit up his bedroom and offended his eyes. He wearily got up and dragged himself into the kitchen. As he saw something sitting on his kitchen counter he stopped dead in his tracks.

On the smooth surface was a note on top of a photo album. Insecure he inched towards the intruding things lying on the counter.

"Gosh, what's this now?" He took the note and unfolded it. A key and two silver bracelets slipped out of it.

'Tony, Robert, however you are called now…,

I guess it is time to give you back your key.

Keep the rest or dump it. I don't need it any more.

I'm sorry.

Gibbs'

Robert watched the items on the counter. He recognised the bracelet Gibbs had worn and an identical other. On a small panel between the chain links was a japanese inscription, Robert couldn't translate.

Hesitantly, he took the album in hand. He flicked through the pages.

It seemed as if they had spent nearly every year a few weeks in a town called Fujiyoshida, mostly in spring. He noticed annual figures in his own handwriting on a few pages. It started in 2004 and ended in 2007, last year.

It really looked like he was happy in the past. There was not even one picture he was not smiling brightly at the camera.

A lot of ordinary holiday photos of beautiful landscapes and national sights mixed with different photos of the tree rushed by until he saw the picture Gibbs had on his mantelpiece. A big 2006 was written above. He had seen a few pictures of the tree, mostly one or both sitting at its foot but the next he saw let him shiver lightly.

Both of them were dressed in black Kimonos, holding hands and beaming at each other right under the rose roof of the cherry blossoms. He caught himself caressing the picture. He couldn't remember the circumstances but felt a warmth deep down inside him.

Hours passed while he was sitting on his couch, browsing through the pictures again and again. Wished he could at least remember a tiny little thing, wished he could just let go of his anger and return to the guy he had been.

He didn't know why but one photo always caught his attention the most.

It was a selfie of them with the Fuji in the back. Gibbs was looking mighty annoyed while Tony smilingly kissed his cheek.

Somehow it felt as if it was important, at least as important as the one in Kimonos.

~"Tony, are you done, now?" Gibbs growled impatiently as Tony took another selfie of them.

"Just one more. It is just the perfect light right now." He had to smile as he saw the annoyed look on Gibbs' face and on an impulse he kissed his cheek the moment he took the picture. "I love you!" He whispered into Gibbs' ear and he kissed him in reward.

Gibbs turned towards the mountain, gazing into the distance. Tony cuddled to his back, bringing his arms around him and felt Gibbs' hand move to cover his. He sighed as he rested his chin on Gibbs' shoulder, enjoying the moment deeply.

"Let's get married." Gibbs stated.

'Let's... get… married.' The words just slowly sunk in. Tony rapidly blinked as his mind tried to process these words.

"Are you… proposing to me?" Tony didn't even recognise his own voice.

"Maybe. Might depend on the answer." Gibbs returned, still watching something far away.

"But we can't. We can't even tell someone we are together. We… how… what? I..." Gibbs turned and cupped his face. "Tony. Yes or no?"

Tony was searchingly looking in the blue eyes for answers to all the questions he got in mind. But all he found was honest love.

"Maybe if you would do it right." Tony smiled, challenging. Gibbs rolled his eyes and caressed Tony's cheek.

"Anthony D. DiNozzo, I love you, will you marry me?" He let his annoyed half smile show but his eyes only displayed endless affection.

"I do." Tony smiled into the kiss.~

Robert opened his eyes. He still was on his couch with the album in his lap. He gulped. Was he really married to Gibbs? Robert shook his head to get rid of the nagging feelings.

He felt guilt rising in his chest. If his dreams really were memories of the past, he didn't want to know how Gibbs was feeling right now.

He stared out into the night trying to find any solution.