A/N - So glad to hear that you guys are enjoying this story :) Sending so much love to you always.
I googled to species of flower in Norway, and truly worth looking at. I really think they'd be a favourite for Elsa.
Of all the things that could happen to a person, there's few things that could be worse.
She had grown concerned when the hallways fell silent. Anna's repeated attempts for interaction from the other side of the door were being ignored. Nowadays, Elsa wasn't even telling her to go away. She could feel a slight chill coming from the door every time she walked past. They would be leaving for their trip in just over 2 weeks. She couldn't leave Elsa like this.
It's a horrible feeling that lies in the pit of your stomach. To stare someone in the eyes as they're slipping away, they're right in front of you and yet you can't reach them. Most days she visited, Elsa stayed silent throughout. Soon it became routine, the Queen quickly learning to bring her scarf with her to keep warm. They sat together in the quiet, the two of them would watch the room grow dark, until Iduna would light a candle, to continue as they had been. She had so many questions, but wasn't sure how to ask.
On this night, Elsa's vacant stare had been replaced with intent thinking. Iduna could see the cogs working inside her brain, her brows furrowing every often. She was shifting uncomfortably in the corner she sat, irritable.
"How are you feeling, Elsa?" Iduna broke the silence, slicing through the thick candle lit air.
"Not meant to be feeling, anything. Right?" Elsa murmured indignantly.
"No.." Iduna breathed, edging forward in her seat her eyes grew sadder. She of course had been able to read Elsa ever since she was so young. But hearing it aloud, it made it all so real and much too haunting.
"Conceal, don't feel. Don't let it show." She sneered. "That's exactly what you've been telling me to do all these years!"
"I never wanted this for you, Elsa. If there was another way -" Iduna spoke sincerely, trying to remain as calm as she could be. The room was growing colder, and as a result she was gripping her scarf tighter. Elsa saw the thin sheet of ice seeping from underneath her, growing across the room. Taking a deep breath, and retreating back to her corner, she hugged herself as tightly as she could.
"I know." Rubbing at her temples, Elsa squeezed her eyes shut, bidding the tears to keep at bay. "I know, I'm sorry.". Their relationship had always fluctuated like this, some days she would hold onto Iduna like her life depended on it. Others, she wouldn't answer the door, dragging a dresser in front of it to keep her coming in. Some days - when it was at it's darkest - she hated her. But God, she loved her. Her mother. Out of the options being available - being her two parents - Iduna always visited. She was consistent, she was empathetic. The parent that listened, instead of talked at her. Perhaps it was a coping method for him, but it was as if he looked right through her. His emotional detachment quickly left Elsa feeling like a problem. Which she was, no matter how you looked at it. But with each passing year the line between being kept in her room purely due to her powers, and actively choosing to ignore her was growing cloudy.
For Elsa, that volume was at it's loudest when Anna, showed up at her door probably 3x more than The King. Anna had no reason to, she didn't know why she was left alone on the other side of the door. But she persisted, and it was evident that Elsa was still very much a central part of Anna's life. The same couldn't be said for him. He understood. He had made the choice. He put her there.
"The craft stall will restock soon, I'll buy you more paints." Iduna mentioned, attempting to ease away from the heaviness in the room momentarily.
"Can you find something new? It's a little repetitive." Elsa asked guiltily. "I've drawn the view outside the window so many times. Maybe, sewing?"
She contemplated it, but she and Agnarr had come to the agreement to keep sharp objects away from Elsa. Anna was turning 14, and it hit Elsa particularly hard. How many birthdays they had spent apart. Each landmark being hit with a greeting card handmade with care by Anna. Every year, her handwriting growing neater, with less spelling errors. The cover of each card getting increasingly more complex, more skills that Elsa never got to see her learn.
"Come with me" Iduna headed to the door, opening it and letting the hallway lights flood the room. Squinting, Elsa was puzzled. It was the middle of the night, she most definitely wasn't meant to leave this room, especially not now. "Well do you want to go to the woods or not?" Iduna laughed, as Elsa continued to stare at her as though she were crazy.
"But we're in pyjamas.." Elsa deadpanned, the absurdity of it all taking her mind off what had plagued her mind earlier.
"So? Stick a coat on." Iduna shrugged, heading to Elsa's closet to find something warm. "It'll be a new experience."
A new experience. The sentence made her heart giddy. On so many occasions she could only watch as Anna was given opportunity after opportunity to try something new. Although they were both mostly limited to the castle - upon the King's request. Closing the gates landed them with questioning looks if they spent too much time in the town. -Anna most definitely got the better end of this whole deal. Her parents seemed so much more relaxed on any outings with Anna. She would watch from her window as Anna skipped and danced around the courtyard en route to the exit. She wouldn't have been able to do the same, constantly under the watchful eye of her parents for every small movement. Their constant searching for indicators of the secret being spilled put her on edge. It became easier to opt out of any outings, using them solely for the days she needed to breathe new air. rather than recycling what was in her room.
The gentle breeze of cool air on her skin was most welcoming, a clear reminder that she wasn't in her stuffy bedroom. If not just for a heartbeat, she would make sure to hold these experiences in a mental log book, something to look back on for particularly difficult days. The light emitted from the candle Iduna had taken with her was very limited. It left the two of them staggering across the woodland, with most of their focus on each step ahead. It looked drastically different from her previous visits, there were new sounds, new smells, and added mystery. She found herself narrowing her eyes as though trying hard enough would somehow improve her vision and allow her to see further. It didn't work, but that was exciting.
Not knowing where to place her next step, not being able to see beyond as usual. It was a new experience. And it was invigorating, Elsa was sure she could walk around her bedroom with her eyes closed (she had actually, it was poor attempt of alleviating the boredom). She knew every millimetre of her bedroom, she had memorised every marking on the walls. Every squeaky floorboard.
"Elsa" Iduna motioned. The mothers heart swelled as she watched Elsa come closer to her, until she was standing right beside her. Something she had missed. The awe that grew over Elsa's face as her eyes sparkled was something she missed seeing. The way her eyes lit up. The small smile that inadvertedly came on Elsa's face before she would try to not let it show.
In her hands lay one of Elsa's favourite flowers. The Blåveis. The white stamens contrasting the blue. It reminded her of snowflakes. Signifying the end of winter, the first flowers of spring was another reminder that the sun will rise tomorrow, it is guaranteed.
"I love these." Elsa smiled.
"I know." Iduna watched as Elsa examined it.
"I wish they were around all year." Elsa said nocholantly, her eyes falling to the collection of blue petals that scattered the grass.
Pursing her lips, Iduna wondered if she was going to seriously suggest it. It seemed contradictory to everything she and Agnarr had taught her for the last few years. But the blue eyes that were fixated on her instead of the flowers told her she had probably already said it in thought.
"What?" Elsa asked "You said something." She twiddled the flower in her fingers, spinning in her hand as she waited for Iduna to clarify.
She could tell Elsa she hadn't said anything. But now, her heart was pulling her towards the latter option. The nights of sadness had all too long ago outweighed the good days.
"Freeze it." Iduna said. It felt right to say it aloud, in fact she felt more confident that this was the right thing. "That way you can keep it forever, freeze it." She smiled.
Elsa tentatively stared at the flower, then back at her mother. Iduna was silently encouraging her, eagerly awaiting for it to happen.
"I.. I don't know how." Elsa blinked, still holding the delicate flower in her hands.
"Yes you do, Elsa. It's a part of you." Iduna said warmly, tugging at her scarf as the cool breeze continued through the trees surrounding them. Elsa stayed unmoved, she still looked unsure about the whole thing. "Feel, Elsa." Iduna said sincerely.
"I'm not allowed, you know that.." Confusion flooded her face, now the world was upside down. Why was she being told this? Now nothing made sense. Flawed, Elsa continued to examine the flower nervously, intricately looking at all the details on it.
"I don't ever want you to hold your feelings inside you, Elsa. Not ever." Iduna said seriously, furrowing her brows. "Feelings are as natural as sunlight and rain. You can't just turn them off."
"But you do- you gave me gloves. Don't feel." Confused, Elsa continued, shaking her head. "and I've got really good at it, actually." Elsa shrugged. It was true, she had created a whole chest accompanied by lock and key to store away her feelings. Burying them was the one thing she was good at.
"It was only for your magic, sweetheart. Never for your heart." Iduna frowned. She had journaled about it as much as she could, keeping track of Elsa's powers and the results that came with each method of supressing it. It was no secret that the current arrangement wasn't working. But soon, she would fix it. She would fix it all and find another way. Soon, the sisters would be back together, Anna would help Elsa, as she always had been, only better this time. "I just wish you'd talk to me. You've been shutting me out too, recently." Iduna said.
"There's not much to say." Elsa turned, closing her fingers with the flower still lying in her palms. She would take it home. She'd paint it, the next few days she'd watch it decay but that was okay. That was additional 5 paintings as she tracked it. Good things never last anyway.
"There is so much you want to say. I see it every time your powers slip." Iduna emphasised. "I'm worried about you." If sadness was a sentence, it was that. Soon guilt was plummeting onto Elsa, stabbing at her chest.
"What do you want me to say? That I'm angry? That I'm pissed off that you and dad chucked me into a room and told me to keep quiet?" Elsa spat. Hot blood coursing through her. She sees Iduna stiffen but she needs to hear it. That this all-loving, kind-hearted Queen had thrown her life away. Her good intentions, for the first time in the most catastrophic way, had amounted to nothing. For so long, she watched Iduna extend her hand to strangers, and help them in ways Elsa could only dream of. She had to stay in her room whilst Iduna and Anna danced around the halls, because if she joined then she they would both be in danger.
"Having even an ounce of joy puts the people around me at risk." Her voice cuts Iduna. The Queen knows, she could retort and tell Elsa everything she was working on; the journal in which she tracked every change and development in Elsa's powers, the history she had studied to find the source, every single pathway she had explored. But it would be no use. It would be teasing her with something she didn't have an answer for yet. And so she took each blow, bracing for each and every harsh - but deserved- word that flew out of Elsa's mouth.
"Do you know how difficult that is? To feel happy, and then there's ice. Ice that could hurt you. Ice that nearly killed Anna" This was against everything Iduna ever hoped for in her daughter. In the aftermath of the incident, she made a vow to Agnarr to ensure that neither child would lose their spirit. It was a silent checklist that they went through daily. "But I kept it in. From day one, I've done as you asked. Because that's what being good was. It was what I had to be."
Has Anna does something silly (or dangerous) recently?
Has Elsa creates something today?
Has Anna checked in with Elsa at her bedroom door? (Are they still close?)
Years ago, she got rid of the list, she stopped checking. She was holding out hope that life could continue as normal at a distance. But it couldn't. Her expectations lessened, especially for Elsa. They would have to adapt to a new normal. Some days, the list not being met was necessary. Sometimes, she found herself waiting for her daughters to cry, and worried the days they didn't. She waited for them to ask if they would see each other again. As painful as the question was, it was a gentle reminder that their daughters hadn't given up and were still looking to the future.
"I can't imagine." Iduna chokes. There aren't any adequate words.
"You always avoid my questions." Elsa said matter-of-factly. "I kept asking if I'd see Anna again." The pain in her chest is overwhelming her, and tears are spilling all over her pale cheeks. "You never said yes." Breathing heavily, Elsa brings her hands to her chest. The ice crawling under her skin itching to be free. In a strange way, it burns. Staggering backwards, Elsa gestures for Iduna to stay where she's stood. She is losing control.
"It's okay, Elsa." Iduna assured, her heart is shattering at it all.
Breaking through her, she watches as the thin sheet of ice flushes a circle of woodland around her. Catching under Iduna's feet, she loses her footing. The daughters eyes grow wide in terror. Only exasperating Elsa's fear, urging sharp blades of ice to rise from the ground in her immediate vicinity. "I'm okay. You're okay." Seeing Iduna leaning against a tree, arms outstretched in assurance. Some of her emotion is relieved. "Deep breaths." Iduna calls, exaggerating every breath of her own for Elsa to follow.
Slowly the ice dissipates, and Iduna carefully makes her way back to her. "How are you feeling?" She asks gently.
"Better." Elsa admits. It was a release she wasn't aware she needed. It hadn't changed anything. Nothing ever could. But it was better than hiding it.
"Then we'll make this a weekly thing. You can practise your powers, out here with me." Iduna nods. And for once, Elsa is smiling at her. The tiniest of smiles, one of appreciation. For the first time, Iduna truly feels in her heart that she's done something right. "Hey, look. You froze the flower." She grins. It wasn't how she had intended, but it worked nonetheless. They had come full circle.