That was the glorious thing about friends; you could talk for half an hour about feelings you both knew to be a complete fabrication, and they would let you construct the fantasy only to help you dismantle it when you were done. Bianca was trying to convince Casey that she was totally fine with Janet's silence, she'd just been there to help and do her job. But she was fooling no one.

"That's not how you really feel is it? You're besotted with her. I know you're hurting. It's ok, you can tell me." It was disconcerting for Casey to see her so out of sorts, unstable even. In their circle of friends she was the shorthand for steadiness. If you had a problem it was guaranteed Bianca could help you form a measured view of it. And now here she was, pale and agitated, dragging a hand over her face as she wrangled with the competing interpretations of what had happened to her. She took a sip of coffee, sighed as she closed her eyes. Admitted defeat.

"I just haven't felt anything like this for such a long time...I'd forgotten how disorientating it can be." She looked Casey in the eye. "It's awful."

"But you wouldn't change it right? It's the price you pay for the good bits. And I can tell there were good bits. It doesn't matter how long it lasts, what age you are. It never gets easier." She thought about her own marriage and made a confession, "I drove through a red light when Brian and I were dating. I was so obsessed with the thought of him I caused a minor collision. I jump for joy now when I get the house to myself. It's a process."

Bianca opened her mouth to speak, was drawn to her phone when it started to vibrate. The fact it was on the table at all was a tell; Bianca was not the type to split her attention, it was normally in her bag out of sight.

"It's her." Her voice was low, as she continued to stare.

"You going to answer it? I need to go to the ladies anyway..." She watched Casey walk away and braced herself. Answered the call.

"Hey." Bianca said.

"Hey. It's me. Where are you?"

"I'm with a friend. Not back in work until Monday. How are you?" She couldn't not ask. The care was still operational above all else.

"I'm doing fine. The kids are fine. It's good to hear your voice. Can I see you?"

"Yeah. Of course. I can come over whenever - "

"Actually, I'd like to come to your place. I'm free later. If that's ok."

Bianca was unsettled by that request, thought it meant that Janet didn't want the axe to fall in her own house, would rather do it quickly and leave the mess behind. She was so thrown that she fluffed her own address, and had to explain that she hadn't lived there very long.

"When will you be there?" Janet asked.

"An hour or so?"

"Ok. See you there."

Casey returned and found Bianca staring into space, weighed down by unanswered questions. Not relieved at all by the prospect of some answers.

When she arrived at her apartment she was instantly reminded that nothing about it felt like home yet. She imagined Janet taking it in for the first time and wondering if anyone actually lived there. It had the kind of open plan design that lured thirty somethings with a hefty salary behind them, still hell bent on freedom and individuality. When Bianca sat alone on that first evening, she turned to talk to Lisa about how soulless she found the place, forgetting for a moment that she was a single woman sharing a bottle of wine with herself, enjoying the dream of 'urban living'.

When she buzzed Janet in and waited for her to climb the stairs, she felt her work persona arrive on queue. Part of her was looking forward to the completion of the job; Janet was safe and that was all that mattered. This was Sergeant Grieve's chance to say goodbye before signing off. It was the reason why, after Janet smiled sheepishly at the door then made her way in, Bianca simply pulled her in and held her. They stayed like that for a while, until finally Bianca felt absolved of all professional responsibilities. And failed to hide just how terrified she was at the prospect of where this might leave her.

Janet moved back, held on to her arms and tried to get a better look at her. It was only then that she grasped how much her silence had drained Bianca. She felt a pang of guilt that she hadn't appreciated it until now; that protection may well have been her official role, but Bianca's feelings for her meant that she had been through hell too. And it must have been a strain to keep that so well hidden behind the professional veneer.

"I'm sorry this has taken so long." Janet said. She really was. Clearly, for someone used to dealing with violence and unpredictability, waiting had been the real ordeal. Janet also knew that she had been complicit in causing her to suffer unnecessarily by not picking up the phone. Her own recently latent ability to care for someone else was suddenly brought to life. She knew now that they really were in a relationship; because when faced with the other person at their weakest, it enhanced how strong you felt, if only so that someone could take on the burdens of the day. All Janet had ever known was Bianca's strength, and now the tables had turned she felt galvanised.

"Hey." Janet raised her chin, forced her to look up. "Thank you. For looking after us, for everything you did. I wouldn't have got through it without you."

Bianca pulled back, moved herself free and went over to the kettle. "I was just dong my job Janet. I'm glad you and the kids are ok." Her voice was robotic, as she put together drinks on autopilot. Janet watched her, more concerned with each passing moment. Knew something wasn't right.

"How have you been?" Janet asked, and thanked her as she accepted the coffee.

"I need to get back to work. I think that'll make things easier. It always does. You know what it's like." She sat down at the kitchen bench. Janet remained standing, kept an eye on her, tried to understand what was going on.

"I've decided to take some real time off, a couple of months at least. Get away with the kids."

"Good. You deserve that."

"Bianca, what's wrong..."

She looked at her tea. "Why are you here Janet?"

"To see you. To try and explain. This is really hard..."

"Look. I know. We were something that happened in a particular moment, and now you're no longer in that moment. I get it."

Janet made her way over to her, took the cup from her hands and put it down.

"It's true, I don't think either of us is any fit state to pick up from where we left off. But I think if we could back up a bit, get to know each other properly, it might help us in the long run. I don't even know if that's something you want. For us to try...for a long run."

Bianca looked her in the eye for the first time since she'd arrived. "Of course I do. How can you not know that?"

Janet felt herself move to a new stage of her recovery. She was finally ready to put someone else's needs before her own. Her only urgent purpose was to revive the woman she so enjoyed and wanted from this depleted state.

"You look exhausted." Janet said. She kissed her cheek and held her head steady in her hands so she could look at her properly. "Bianca, I need you to understand, that you don't have to take care of me anymore..." She tried to pull away from Janet's gaze, "Look at me...Here's what's going to happen. You are going to go and have a lie down. I'll still be here when you get up. I'll order dinner and ask you inane questions so that we feel we've covered some ground. And then we'll see each other every week for the next few months, fill in more gaps. So that when I tell you...that I love you...we both feel ok about that, like we've earned the right to say that to each other."

It took a long time for Bianca to fully take in what Janet had said. Not for the first time, she was left bewildered by the disparity between her actions and the words. She felt elation and relief course through her as Janet pushed her hair from her face and eventually leaned in for a gentle kiss. Soon after, she did as instructed. Made her way to bed. Lay in a haze of tiredness and disbelief. Remembered that it was customary to tell someone you loved them after they had told you. But thought that Janet already knew anyway, because it had been shining out of her since their time in the motel.

Janet called Tony and asked him to sit with the kids until she was home, explained that something important had come up. She sat on the sofa and thought about her apparent inability to back up their relationship. It was the truth anyway, what difference did a few weeks make. And really, there was nothing she loved more than well timed rebellion. She looked around the room, sensed that Bianca was somehow in transit in her own life. Noticed an old picture in a simple wooden frame sitting in the corner; a woman in her sixties whose smile was identical to Bianca's. Looked forward to hearing about who it was, to the things they would tell each other soon.

It was the smell of food that woke her up. She was ravenous. Had not eaten properly in days. As she padded through to the living room in old pyjamas she watched Janet pile food onto a plate and then motion for her to go to the sofa, a big smile on her face.

"You're very cute when you're sleepy. Hope Indian curry is ok." Janet said.

"Love it." Bianca sat down on the sofa and waited for Janet to join her. No longer commissioner and bodyguard; just girlfriends eating take out and watching crap tv.

When they finished, Janet lifted an arm and Bianca cuddled in. Apologised for how she was earlier.

"No. I'm sorry. I should have called sooner." Janet said. "Anyway. Inane question number one. Why did you want to join the police?"

Bianca laughed. "Usual cliche. I wanted to help people. But really, I needed the structure."

"Favourite Movie?"

"Silence of the Lambs. Though I'm not a big movie goer. I prefer live music."

"Ok. Noted. Any siblings?"

"Yes. An older brother overseas. He moves around a lot so I hardly get to see him, or my eight year old niece. That can get me down sometimes. What about you?"

"Yeah, I have a sister. We get on fine but we don't see each other much. We're just...different." Janet stroked her hair. She thought about the photo. Wanted to ask but left if for another time. She sensed there was a sadness there and she would have to get going soon.

"I should help you clear up this mess before I go."

"No, leave it. It's nice to see it lived in for a change." Bianca was still tired, and slurred the words a little. She would be glad to be tidy up this mess and not the one she was expecting earlier in the day. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Last question. What did you think of me the first time we met? That day in court?"

Janet felt Bianca's body gently shake against her as she chuckled.

"I thought you were incredible. I wanted to make you laugh, lighten you up." Janet smiled, enjoyed the idea that there was something between them even then.

"If I hadn't been with someone, would you have asked me out?"

"Absolutely. I thought about you for weeks. I felt so guilty. I had a partner too."

Janet started to say something then held off. She tried gain.

"Do you you think we can...start from there? From how exciting that would have been? Instead of this nightmare we got through."

Bianca sat up and considered what Janet was saying. "Honestly? I don't. I know you've lived through something I'll never understand Janet, but that's not what I see when I look at you. I don't think about that when we're together. These past few weeks...all I'm going to remember is how wonderful it was to be near you. And I'd rather keep those memories than lose them. Even if it means keeping the awful ones too."

Janet was moved by her words. By her honesty. When she smiled sadly, accepting the truth that she could never forget some of the things that had happened to her, Bianca seemed to pick up on her need to at least try.

"Having said that, I would do just about anything for you. Because I love you too...And if you really want to try and reframe it, I can help with that."

What happens next is one of the oddest experiences Janet has ever had. Bianca morphs somehow, stands up, has a confidence about her, like she's holding the secrets of the universe and only she will ever know all the answers. She embodies the flirtatious, cocky person that she was that day long ago on the court steps. Janet is reminded that she is in fact a highly skilled undercover cop. Is turned on by the persona, even in the pyjamas. Lights up when Bianca sticks out her hand.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Bianca by the way."

Janet stands up, takes it, giggles shyly before introducing herself. Then her face becomes serious, fills with lust. "You have no idea how good you make me feel."

"Jesus Janet, you'd make a terrible undercover cop. You couldn't even manage two sentences."

Janet draws her in for a kiss, lets herself fall a little more in love. She lets her hands feel around her waist, enjoy the touch of her warm skin. Wants her just as she did before, but knows she should hold off. She can't wait to see her again, and tells her that just before she goes.

When Janet arrived home and told Tony where she had been he made his approval clear. They shared a Scotch and she asked him to put the feelers out for opportunities when her two month sabbatical was up. She wasn't keen on going back to the DPP. Something about the regularity of it, the long and demanding rhythms of those days, didn't appeal just yet. She didn't really know what she wanted to do, but she was open to all possibilities, and told him that she would consider anything. Even something further afield. The important thing was that it had to suit the kids; she wanted her antenna finely tuned to their needs. And she wanted time to herself, to settle back into life without the shadows of the past crawling over everything she did, including her time with Bianca. More than anything, she wanted the simple pleasures of a normal life.

Later, when the phone buzzed on her bedside table, she recognised the fizz of excitement that only a new relationship can bring.

"Nice to meet you today. Up for that first date when you are. x"

She smiled, quickly replied. "How about Friday? Dinner at my place. Stay over. x"

"Not sure what kind of a girl you think I am. First date remember? x"

Across the city, Bianca smirked.

"I don't think we need to back up on that front. If that's ok with you...x"

"If we're going to do this we should do it properly. Night. x"

She smirked some more.

"You are joking? Right? x"

She laughed out loud, chose not to respond. Made her wait. Fell into a deep and restful sleep.