They'd been rehearsing the scene at the Bluebird Café, where Deacon and Rayna would perform No One Will Ever Love You. The only actual interaction between the two of them was while they sang. The rest was the way they looked at each other, the way that changed during the course of the song, and how they reacted afterwards.
"So how do you think she's feeling after the song?" he asked her, as they sat at one of the tables in the recreated Bluebird set.
She thought about that for a second. "I think she probably feels shattered."
"Really?" He looked surprised.
"Well, think about it. She's been married all these years. She's probably worked hard not to cross that line with Deacon. She's kind of settled into a routine where she can compartmentalize all that. But now her husband is going off in a crazy direction and she knows her life's going to be a more open book than it's been before and more than she's comfortable with, for so many reasons. And they're trying to see what this stripped down tour's going to look like, with them singing their old songs. And they sing one that probably says everything about what their relationship was."
He was nodding as she talked. "And now it's all out in the open."
She smiled. "Exactly. But" – She raised her finger as if in warning – "it's not meant to be out in the open. She's not going to do anything with it. At least that's the plan. She's not going to change the 'rules'. She has too much at stake."
"Maddie?" he asked.
"Yeah, but it's more than that. When she had that meeting with the guys who are looking into their backgrounds for Teddy's campaign, they came too close. They asked if she had maintained her romantic relationship with Deacon after she started seeing Teddy. The truth is she had to have, even if only in her heart. I mean, we don't know everything, yet, but remember Teddy said to Rayna that he knew he was her second choice."
He gave her a cheeky smile. "Well, there is that." He shook his head then. "It amazes me the story you've come up with."
She laughed. "I have to. I need to try to understand her motivations. And in this case, she's crafted a life that she sees as the perfect life and now, after all these years, there are forces conspiring to blow it all up. So she's going to try to protect herself. And that life. How she does that remains to be seen."
He shrugged. "But what if she secretly wants it to blow it up, as you say?" The look on his face and in his eyes made her heart start to pound.
She swallowed. "Why would she do that?" she said, hearing the slight shakiness in her voice.
He leaned a little closer and lowered his voice. "Maybe it all brings up the realization that what she has isn't the real thing, that he is. And that she wants that more. Realizes what she gave up."
She frowned. "I don't understand..."
"Even though she's told herself for years that the man she's married to is the one, she realizes that actually it's someone else."
She could read in his eyes what he was saying – at least what she thought he was saying – and it took her breath away. Nearly knocked her off her feet, in a manner of speaking. She stood up. She couldn't look at him. "I, uh, I need a break," she mumbled. Her hands were shaking as she grabbed her script, nearly dropping it. "I need a break," she said again, unnecessarily. Then she turned and practically ran for the exit.
She sat on the top of the steps that led down to the back parking lot, where all the cast's trailers were. She wanted to walk to her own, pick up Yoby and hold him tight, reminding herself that this was not what she wanted, but there wasn't enough time for it. She felt irritated with Chip for saying anything at all, for bringing it all back up. Maybe she misinterpreted, but she was pretty sure she did not. They had agreed they couldn't go down this path again. It was too dangerous, too much chance for heartbreak. She knew she'd said it, but when she thought about it, she wasn't sure he'd said it as much as just acknowledged that she had. She'd have to be firm. She was not going to get in the middle of someone else's marriage. She was just not.
She heard the door open behind her and she held her breath. "Ms. Britton, we're ready for you." The voice was just a random voice, likely one of the production assistants. She turned to see the young woman, looking a bit frazzled and clearly a little intimidated. She smiled, trying to not only relax her own nerves, but this woman's too, likely in over her head doing something she'd never imagined she would.
"Thanks," she said, and then she pushed herself up, heading for the door. She walked through and then she saw the woman scurry past her, heading for the set. She forced herself to walk slowly, giving herself time to breathe, trying to rid herself of the weight she felt on her chest.
As she rounded the turn to the set, she could see Chip sitting on the stage, a guitar in his hand. As she approached, he smiled. "Feeling better?" he asked. Despite his smile, she couldn't help but see the sadness in his eyes and, she hoped, his apology.
"Yep," she said, as she sat on the chair beside him, ready to rehearse the song sequence again.
He leaned slightly towards her. "I didn't mean to freak you out," he said.
"You didn't freak me out."
He shrugged. "Seemed like I did. But I understand where things are."
She just looked at him at first. "Okay," she said finally. She clasped her hands tightly in her lap so he wouldn't see they were shaking.
The next day he approached her as she came out of hair and makeup. "Hey," he said, with a smile.
She stopped. "Hey."
"Can we maybe go somewhere where we can talk?"
She forced a smile on her face. "Of course. Sure." He gave a slight nod towards the interior of the production facility and she followed. They ended up on Rayna's kitchen set and both leaned against the island, not standing too far apart, but also not too close.
He nervously ran his tongue across his bottom lip, then looked away. "I don't want things to be awkward," he said finally, still not looking at her.
"I don't either," she said and he turned then to look at her. She felt that sizzle of heat, in spite of herself.
He didn't say anything at first, then laughed a little nervously. "This show is a big deal for me," he said. "I've never gotten this kind of chance before. And I really don't want to mess it up." He looked down at his hands, rubbing them together. "I've obviously had a lot of time to think about what happened while we were here before." He looked at her. "For the pilot," he said unnecessarily. She just nodded. "I can only speak for myself here."
He paused again and she thought about the fact that she had thought a lot about what happened too. She had told herself more than once that it couldn't turn into something, couldn't be a thing. She'd talked to Carla about it, when she'd gone to Mexico with her girlfriends, before she had headed to Nashville. They had wandered down the beach together, letting the ocean water run up over their feet as they walked.
"So have you thought about what happens when you go back to Nashville?" Carla asked. "With the guy?"
She sighed. "Some." She looked over at her friend. "Okay, a lot."
Carla smiled. "And?"
"Well, I don't know just what I was thinking. It was so unlike me to do that. And it really can't happen again. It could be dangerous, for both of us."
"Okay, so that's the philosophical side of you, the do the right thing side of you. What about Connie, though? Connie, the woman, who wants to be loved?"
She gave Carla the side eye, then laughed. "Connie, the woman, acted foolishly. And totally out of character. And Connie, the woman, needs to think more with her head than with her vagina."
Carla laughed heartily. "How long has it been since you've thought with your vagina?"
She had to laugh too. "That's not usually my MO, you know. I mean, it matters, don't get me wrong, but I don't just want to just think about sleeping with men and then act on it. I try to be level headed about it. Besides, I'm a mom now. I have to think about what that means for my son. Falling for a married man isn't the best in that situation."
Carla shrugged. "You don't know. I mean, it could be perfect. Someone nice to dally around with, no strings attached. For a year."
"You know, if that was all it was, maybe. But you seem to forget he's got a wife. And a family." She sighed. "It's not like I couldn't lose my heart in a year. That doesn't seem quite fair. To me or to Yoby." She looked at Carla sharply. "I'm kind of surprised you're encouraging it."
"Oh, I'm not encouraging it. I just know you. And he's already under your skin."
She turned away, her face feeling hot.
She looked at him. "So tell me," she said softly.
He turned slightly, his back against the island, looking away from her. "I'd like to be able to say that when I came here my life was miserable and I was happy to get away and that I just felt something between us and acted on it. But that isn't exactly true."
As much as she didn't want to, she felt a pang in her heart. "What is true?"
He sighed. "I've been married a long time. To a wonderful woman. We have a great family. We've been through a lot together and she's always been there for me. And me for her." He looked at her then. "Our youngest daughter – Addie – had leukemia when she was about 2 ½ or so. It was a long road to get her to remission and she's been fine ever since. But we had to be strong – for her, for our other kids and for ourselves. I would never want to intentionally hurt her. I do love her. I can't lie and say that's not true." She suddenly wanted to turn and run, not listen to the rest of this. Listen to him tell her it was all a mistake and he wished he could take it all back. Even though that was exactly what she needed him to do. He looked at her very earnestly. "That very first day, when we met, I felt something else that I knew was true too. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew it. And I still know it, which makes it all so complicated and hard." She held her breath. "When I met you, I knew you were the person I was meant to be with, the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. And yet, there were all these complications and I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I'm going to end up hurting someone."
She felt like she'd had her feet knocked out from underneath her. It was not at all what she'd expected to hear. She stared at him. "I don't understand," she murmured. Lust wouldn't have surprised her. Opportunity presenting itself would have made sense. But this... intensity of feeling, that wasn't what she thought he would say.
He ran a hand over his face and laughed a little, then turned back to look at her, his face serious. "I know that sounds crazy. It is crazy. I went back home and I thought I'd just go back to normal life, and maybe we won't get picked up and then I don't have to make any decisions, any choices. But you know what? It wouldn't have left me. The knowledge wouldn't have left me." He breathed in deeply. "Plus I was pretty sure you felt it too."
She looked away. She had felt it, but she wasn't going to tell him that. She needed to let him go, she knew that. "I can't," she said finally. "There's too much at stake. Especially for you."
"I thought that's what you'd say." She looked back at him and his head was bowed. "I wanted you to be able to make the call. And I promise, I won't ever do anything like that again. I won't put you in that position."
She could do nothing but just nod. Then she watched him walk away and wondered how she was going to do this. Because he was right – she had known, at that very first touch, that he was her soul mate, even though she'd never really thought that kind of thing was true. This was impossible.
They were waiting under a tent for the crew to get the scene set up. It was a bright sunny day in Nashville. "How many times do you guess they had this conversation?" she asked.
He turned to look at her. "This particular one? Maybe not a lot. Maybe not in a long time."
"You don't think so?"
He looked thoughtful and then shrugged. "Maybe in the beginning, I guess. But he seems like the type who would just wait and bide his time."
"Maybe." They called the stand ins over to check lighting and location. Considering it was such a sunny day, it always surprised her when there were still lights on an outdoor set, but she understood more that there could still be shadows that weren't desirable and sunlight wasn't always the perfect shade of light. She glanced back at him, as he watched what was going on. "I don't want things to be awkward either," she said. It had felt like that, since the day they'd talked about what had happened between them. It wasn't that she was saying she'd changed her mind, just that she wanted them to be able to channel that chemistry into a friendship.
He looked over at her and smiled. "I know," he said.
"I like being able to talk through scenes with you. Talk through motivations. You know?"
He nodded. "I do." He breathed in. "I'm lucky to be able to work with you. I know that. I don't want anything to mess that up." He shifted his weight a bit, hooking his thumb in his back pocket. "I want things to work with us. As coworkers."
She felt a sense of relief. "So do I. I don't see why we can't."
He smiled at her warmly. "Then that's what we'll do."
Just then she was called over to the set. As they got her situated on the stone wall, she watched him, under the tent. He was watching her too, she could tell. He smiled and she smiled back, feeling a warm sensation inside. They were both grown ups, both understood that anything other than being professional with each other was dangerous. I would never want to hurt her. I do love her. I can't lie and say that's not true. It had hurt to hear him say those words, but she'd needed to hear them. Despite whatever else they might have felt for each other, those words were his truth. She wanted to respect that. Needed to respect that. And it was okay, because she didn't need the complication either.
They got the signal to start the scene and she watched as he walked towards her.
It would be the opening scene for the episode. She'd sort of been dreading it, although it would not be filmed under bright lights. Then again, that wasn't the only reason it made her nervous. It wasn't even the biggest reason it made her nervous. Even though they wouldn't truly be naked under those sheets, it was a scene that came too close to reality. In fact, after they had rehearsed it the first time, Chip had whispered in her ear, "You okay?" She hadn't trusted herself to speak and had just nodded.
When it came time to shoot the scene, it had taken multiple takes. At the beginning it was getting the movements and hand placements right. Some of the issues were one or the other of them, one was the lighting. When the director had called out 'cut!' again, she sat up, hugging the sheet around her. He was still laying on his side, not looking at her. "I think we just need to stop thinking about...everything else," she said, her voice low. He looked up at her then. "I know it feels like too real, I guess, but we can't think like that."
He sighed and then nodded. "You're right. I guess I'm trying hard to be sure it isn't too, I don't know, weird."
She smiled then. "We've got sheets between us and we're not really kissing. And there's all these people around, even though we can't see them all. We just need to relax, I guess."
So she felt better about it all when they started the scene again. It started off fine, the cameras focusing on first one and then the other. She kept reminding herself there were people everywhere on the set. Then he put his hand along her waist, covered with the sheet, and rolled her on her back. He lowered his head and pressed his lips against hers. She didn't know quite how it happened, but the kiss turned real. It was just a split second, because the scene progressed with Teddy calling out Rayna's name and Chip rose up and turned to face the unseen voice.
She felt like she was in a fog bank. She vaguely heard the director's voice saying they'd got it. Chip's hand was still on her waist and she knew they weren't moving fast enough to separate from each other. He turned his head and looked back at her. She felt sure her panic showed in her eyes, because he abruptly moved off of her. He was sitting next to her, breathing heavily. She sat up, the sheets pulled close, her mouth feeling like the Sahara desert.
Someone from wardrobe came over then, with a robe, and she untangled herself from the sheets and felt the robe drape around her. She felt like she was moving through mud as she pushed her arms through the sleeves and someone else tied the belt around her. Then she was being led off the stage and back to a dressing room.
She waved off the person who led her back and then collapsed on the small couch. Her skin was still on fire, where it had touched his. She could still feel his fingers on her back and his lips on hers, his tongue quickly flicking hers. She closed her eyes. She really didn't know what she was going to do. She suddenly couldn't catch her breath, feeling like she was going to hyperventilate, but she forced herself to breathe out slowly. She staggered to her feet, her legs feeling a little wobbly, and just stood, one hand over her heart, and breathed in and out several times. She was grateful that it was her last scene for the day and she could go home and try to figure out what had just happened.
She walked across the pavement to the trailer area. Yoby wasn't with her that day – he'd been cranky with a cold – but out of habit, she'd still parked there. It was late summer and still fairly hot. There hadn't been rain for days and there was a little mugginess in the air. The sky was bright blue, almost painfully bright, with a few puffy clouds floating past. There was a slight breeze in the air that felt good against her warm skin. One thing she liked about Nashville – or was it Tennessee in general – was that there was almost always some sort of breeze. The air usually wasn't still.
As she rounded the corner, she stopped. Chip was sitting on the top step leading up to her trailer. When he saw her, he stood up and walked down to the ground, his hands in his pockets. "It was my fault," he said, projecting his voice just slightly the cover the space between them.
She wanted to agree with him, let him take the blame, but she couldn't. She shook her head. "I think it was mutual," she said, as she closed the gap between them. She came to a stop about a foot and a half away from him. She wanted to be angry with him, angry at herself. This was insanity. It was dangerous, foolish. They were playing with fire. There was a lot that was unknown about all this, but the one thing she did know was that she was having a difficult time overruling her heart. "I just don't know what to do about it."
He looked at her with that puppy dog look Deacon used with Rayna. Or was it that puppy dog look Chip let Deacon use. She didn't know for sure, but she was feeling a primal pull towards him, one she couldn't stop. "I think we don't know how to not do what we want to do about it," he murmured. She silently begged him to tell her what to do next. "Just get in your car and follow me. I'll pull over at some point." She understood what he was saying. It gave her an out. She could just drive on by. She breathed in and then she nodded.
It was a well-traveled area but where he had pulled off was relatively secluded. She had watched as he'd turned left, two vehicles in front of her. She breathed in deeply. This was it. She hesitated only a micro-second and then followed. She parked next to him, her driver's side next to his passenger's side. She sat for a moment, breathing in and out, then grabbed her purse and quickly exited and slid into his car. She breathed in, then looked over at him. He looked at her, a question in his eyes. She knew he wanted her to be sure. She wasn't completely, but it was inevitable. It was either now or it would come later, but it would come. She pressed on her key fob to lock her car and dropped the keys in her purse. His fingers gently touched the top of her hand. She gave him a tentative smile, turned her hand over and they linked fingers. He squeezed gently and then let go. He backed out of the space and then headed out.
She stared straight ahead as he drove. She felt her nipples tighten. She wanted to see if they were visible, but she didn't want to look down. She felt a slow throbbing between her legs and she wanted to shift in her seat, but she didn't dare. Without moving her head, she glanced over as much as she could, focused on his crotch. She was pretty sure she could see a bulge, but she couldn't be positive because she couldn't move her head enough. We're doing this. Even though we shouldn't. Even though we said we wouldn't. We're doing this. It was like a litany playing over and over in her head, until he pulled into an apartment garage.
As they wound their way up the various levels, she noticed fewer and fewer cars. He finally parked on the fifth level, in a space that was far from other cars. He sat for a moment, then looked over at her. "We're doing this?" he asked, his voice soft and sensuous. She smiled a little. It was as though he'd read her mind. She nodded. He opened his door and got out. After a moment, she did the same.
He took her in through a side door next to where he'd parked. He stopped in front of an apartment door just three doors down. He stood behind her, one hand on her waist, the other holding the key fob against the lock. The light flashed green and he turned the knob, opening the door. She walked in. He was right behind her and he dropped his keys onto an entryway table as the door closed behind them. She had a brief glance at the apartment, darkened from the closed blinds, before he locked the door and then pushed her against the wall, sliding his arms around her waist, pressing his lips to hers. She slid her hands up his shoulders and then threaded her fingers into the hair on the back of his neck. She opened her mouth and he practically devoured her, his kiss insistent, his tongue wrapping around hers, as he sucked on her lips. He pulled her against him and she could feel how hard he was, straining against his jeans, and she groaned deep in her throat. He moved his hands up her back and she felt his thumbs rub over her painfully hard nipples. She groaned again.
"I can't wait," he whispered against her mouth. She pulled her lips from his and looked up at him through her lashes, then bit down on her lower lip. He turned her against the wall and pushed up the dress she was wearing. She felt herself tingling all over. He slid one hand down the back side of her panties and then between her legs, lightly touching her before he plunged one finger inside her. She pressed herself against the wall and then arched her back, opening herself to let him slide in all the way. She could hear the little whimpers she was making, wanting to hold on for the real thing, but afraid she couldn't wait. She felt his breath, hot against her neck, and then his lips brushed against her skin. She was so close.
Then he withdrew his finger and she could hear the sound of his zipper. As she waited, she was panting heavily. It felt like forever, but she knew it was merely seconds before he shoved aside her panties and she felt him pushing his way inside her. She pushed back, grinding her hips. The feel of him, as he continued thrusting himself inside her, felt familiar, even though the last time they'd done this had been months ago. She moved herself again, practically weeping as she felt herself being filled up. When he was fully inside her, they began to move together, the pace quickening with their hunger for each other. She let out a sharp cry as her orgasm took her almost by surprise, with a force that radiated all through her body. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists against the wall and then she felt him let go, hearing him say her name over and over.
She slowly unclenched her fists. She couldn't feel herself breathe because her heart was pounding so hard. She did feel his hands slide around her waist and his hard breathing against her neck. Then he kissed her, right above her ear. She put one hand over his and leaned back against him. She didn't know how long they stood that way, but at some point, he let her go, taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom.
He undressed her and she undressed him and then they tumbled down onto the unmade bed, wrapping themselves up in the sheets and each other. Holding her in his arms, he kissed her, slowly and deliberately this time, as she wrapped her arms around him. He finally pulled away and looked down at her, smoothing her hair back, then tracing the side of her face, from her ear to just under her chin. Then he sighed. "I'm not sure what to say," he said.
She wasn't sure what she wanted him to say. One part of her wanted him to say they could never do this again, that this was another one of those lapses that they couldn't afford. But the other part of her felt gutted by that, because that part of her needed him and needed what he gave to her. She wanted to believe she'd be okay either way, but she knew that probably wasn't true. "Just say the truth," she said softly. She let her eyes wander over his face, wondering what he was really thinking.
He kissed her on the forehead, then ran his hand over her shoulder. "I feel like I should say something like this is crazy or are we stupid or something." She looked down. "But I can't." She looked back at him. He leaned in and brushed his lips over hers. "I thought about this while I was waiting for you, while you were following me." He sighed again. "God help me but I don't want to pretend we're just friends. If all we have is this season, to be together the way we want to be, then I don't want to miss a minute of that. I know it means we have to be careful. I know it could still mean heartbreak in the future, but I need this." He kissed her again, his lips a little firmer against her this time. "Not just the sex, although it is great." He smiled at her a little rakishly and she could feel the burn between her legs. Then he looked serious again. "I mean, the companionship. Being together, talking and getting to really know each other. Sharing things."
She nodded. "I want that too."
"I don't know how we do it, but I want to be able to go to bed with you at night. At least sometimes. Wake up with you in the morning and have coffee. Just start and end our days together, like people who are meant to be together do." He ran his finger down her cheek. "We have this season, at least. Let's see what happens."
She put her palm on his cheek. "I want that too." She bit her lip. "I feel like it's wrong, though, to want this. To plan for this. I don't want to hurt anyone." She saw the hurt in his eyes and all she wanted to do was take that away. "I don't know that I can pretend this doesn't matter, though." She saw the sadness leave his eyes. "I don't think I can pretend I don't want this. Want you."
He leaned down and took her lips with his, kissing her deeply, thoroughly. He moved his hand to pull the sheet away from her breast and he fondled it, kneading and pressing, strumming her nipple, and then back to stroking and fondling. Desire shot down to her core, like white hot arrows, and she began to move her hips. He pushed her back slightly and moved his hand so that he could kiss her there. He stroked her with his tongue, sucked on her with his lips, until she moaned with her need.
He reached under the sheets and deftly pushed them aside, exploring her naked flesh with his hand, all the while still continuing to suck on her breast. Without realizing what she was doing, she had drawn her knees up slightly, opening herself up, and his hand moved to her abdomen. He teased her, palming her skin as he slowly let his hand drift lower. Not all the way, though. He just stroked her abdomen as the heat rose inside her. Finally she reached under the sheets and pushed his hand all the way down, where she needed it to be. He lifted his head and gave her a lazy smile and then, as his tongue slid again into her mouth, he pushed two fingers inside of her.
He teased, not letting her get all the way over the edge, and she was practically oblivious to anything but the way he was making her feel. She moaned, and that's when he withdrew his fingers and, moving his body over hers, entered her. He was still somehow able to keep her right there on the edge, not quite able to let herself go. The exquisiteness of it was blissful torture. She arched her back, lifting her pelvis, seeking release. "Oh, God," he cried, burying his face against her shoulder, as he came, and at the same time, she came as well, holding him tightly against her.
When he finally rolled away from her, he took her hand in his. "I wish you could stay," he said.
"I wish I could too," she replied. "Actually I need to get home before Olivia wonders where I am." He nodded. She hesitated, then ran the back of her hand over his cheek. "Can you come to my house? Later?"
He smiled. "I would love to."
"Let me give you the address before I go. Wait until after 8:30, so Yoby will be asleep."
"Are you sure?"
She nodded. "Yes. I want to go to bed with you tonight and wake up with you in the morning. Just like you said."
Before she got out of his car, she handed him a piece of paper with the address. "I'll see you soon," she said. Then she got into her car and headed for the interstate, still wondering if she was doing the right thing, but not willing to give him up just yet.